tw: sexual trauma, mentions of sexual acts, mentions of sex work and sexual abuse.
more money — that’s what makes it worthwhile.
sometimes i can't set limits,
and that hurts for a while.
but anyway, it's just a shame, and i can't blame him for that.
(you should blame him for that.)
i didn’t speak, i didn’t say — it’s not his fault he didn’t understand.
(you spoke, in your own way — it’s his fault he insisted.)
i kept making noises, i was feeling pain —
but i guess the message got lost in translation...
(or it was simply exactly what he wished...)
now, at least, i don't hate myself —
because i’m forced to care for myself,
or did i willingly accept this job?
i forget what used to be...
i forget everything that led me here—
first client, boring — but at least he didn’t hurt me.
second, lovely — maybe i had misjudged all of this?
third, normal — fast, done, gone.
fourth, dumbass — but he made me feel intensely.
fifth, just wanted to look and touch — simple.
sixth, intelligent — i saw in his eyes all he wanted was to please.
seventh... my error. i should have said. i should have spoken. i should have—
(my error? wake up — what he did was abuse. you told him to stop, and he didn’t. WAKE UP!)
autistic? the sites block me from saying i’m different.
"neurodivergent" — a word none of them have ever heard.
legs in constant, screaming pain — whatever! as long as it pays...
that’s why i don’t speak. but i can’t blame me, or blame them when they don’t get it.
(you’re not at blame. you spoke, even when it hurt. you were ignored. you’re not at fault. you’re a victim, not a product.)
so why does it still hurt —
(because someone is at fault.)
for not screaming i’m not normal?
another victim of necessity...?
(neither. you are a victim of someone — a victim of an abuser. how are you so dumb?)
(not enough to be worth it.)
as long as we don’t sleep on the streets...
(as long as we don't sleep on the streets.)
we’ll endure. we’ll survive.
i’ll endure. i’ll survive.