#luitalks

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I'm so happy right now. Finally it seems like I will actually be able to do this "life" thing. It's so weird, I've more or less wanted to die for years and now suddenly I don't. I don't expect to kill myself eventually anymore. I plan to go on living.

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So I barely slept last night and was super tired all day and wanted to go to bed early. But now it's almost midnight and I still can't sleep. This sucks.

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Will you join me in a game of "Am physically ill because I'm feeling mentally down or am I feeling mentally down because I'm physically ill?" Just really tired and demotivated and dizzy and when I tried my usual yoga routine to cheer up I couldn't even to the easiest excercises, because my body hurt too much. My joints hurt, suddenly the ground feels way too hard, the simplest stretches feel like tearing.

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Now while I truly enjoy the plant taxonomy course I absolutely hate how it takes up so much of my energy every day my days that I don't have any left for revision or workouts in the evening. Can't do anything but lie in bed and watch videos or scroll through tumblr, even reading is too hard.

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My family has gone to visit my grandparents for Easter, but because of university stuff I couldn't join them. Usually I don't mind it that much and kind of enjoy having the house all for myself, but this time I hate it. Easter always was my favourite holiday. I love our family Easter traditions, building nests in the garden, whistling for the Easter bunny, searching the eggs etc. Thinking of my family doing all this without me while I'm just sitting at home studying makes me feel very lonely.

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I woke up at night and had to go to the bathroom and then I was suddenly lying on the floor and my parents were there, so apperantly I fainted and now my head hurts like hell and I can't stop crying.

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Dreamt one scary thing after another. This was horrible.

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My bag ripped and the hole is too big to simply sew it. I'm quite upset. It's not a pretty bag, guess it's actually rather ugly and dirty and broken. But I've had it for so long already and it's been everywhere with me. It's the bag I've taken on vacations and trips for years, the one I always took to university. But now it ripped. I'm very sad about that.