Out of all the members of SMH, who do you think you would win in a fight against?
disclaimer: i’m a scrappy one, and all of these are based on the assumption that the member would fistfight me considering i’m 4’11” and relatively feminine, modern attitudes be damned. this one’s been in my inbox for literal years, so (ryan bergara voice) let’s get into it.
b. shitty knight: if he still had his flow and had it pulled back, i could theoretically yank on the ponytail and get him prone and win by pure virtue of simply sitting on his chest. if he stays upright, he’d get me good.
jack zimmermann: i would not win, not only bc he’s a literal nhl player and can beat me simply by being in shape, but i WOULD get distracted by his eyes. i am only human.
adam birkholtz and justin oluransi: do you truly think either of them would get into a fight without the other? 2 vs 1, i’m absolutely fucked. even if it was just one, they are Big and i am Small.
larissa duan: lardo would absolutely obliterate me. i did not want to even consider getting into a fight with her, it is a terrifying idea.
eric bittle: we’re getting somewhere? i’m from the bible belt as well, i could wear him down with southern insults. once it got physical, it’d be a bit harder, esp if we’re considering this senior year bitty. i’d consider this an ugly but well balanced fight. bitty would ultimate prevail, however.
william poindexter: would eat me alive.
derek nurse: would ALSO eat me alive.
christopher chow: first, why would i want to? his goalie face would make me piss my pants and he’s got nearly a foot on me besides. i would not win.
connor whisk: would slice my throat with a side eye.
anthony tangredi: plays mind games. i am weak in that aspect.
denice ford: realistically, the one i may actually win, based on height differential, the fact that we were both stage managers, and that we handle rowdy college students. if i had to pick someone to fight, it would be foxtrot, but i don’t want to, because more than likely we’d be good friends.
river bullard: he’d destroy me, why would you think anything else. in theory i could use my ponytail technique but bully would be a lot harder to tip than shitty.
jonathan hopper: see chowder. plus, i’d have to face his mom after that, and if i’m fresh out of a fight she’d take me out on principle.
lukas landmann: a being of pure chaos. i am powerless against him.
in short: don’t bet on me, i ain’t shit.
