#ma james

[theangrypokemaniac]

I've had a look round:

[theangrypokemaniac]

Whenever fans invent children for Jessie and James, they tend to come up with two.

Two?

You think I've waited 20+ years for Rocketshipping to reach fruition only to have it resolve in a mere brace of offspring?!

As if!

This is love that could burn holes in the cosmos! It can't help but create more life than that!

Have you no concern for equal representation of combinations? For all that is righteous, it has to go like this:

• Boy just like James.

• Girl just like James.

• Boy just like Jessie.

• Girl just like Jessie.

• Boy with James's hair and Jessie's eyes.

• Girl with James's hair and Jessie's eyes.

• Boy with James's eyes and Jessie's hair.

• Girl with James's eyes and Jessie's hair.

That makes eight. Eight in eight years thank you.

Being of a generous disposition, I'll let Jessie have the next twelve-month period off, but after that:

• Boy just like Pa James.

• Girl just like Pa James.

• Boy just like Ma James.

• Girl just like Ma James.

• Boy with Pa's hair and Ma's eyes.

• Girl with Pa's hair and Ma's eyes.

• Boy with Pa's eyes and Ma's hair.

• Girl with Pa's eyes and Ma's hair.

Ah, sixteen, that's a nice round number.

Hey, they'll be paying for these kids you know!

Yes, as James's parents the grandchildren would take after them anyway, but specifically, the Ma ones would have her purple and her face, and the Pa sort his blue and the dangly piece of which he is justly proud.

James inherited it but Pa's is a thicker example.

I can hear you now:

Ooh, what about Ma Jess?

I wish there were more pictures available to offer some variety.

Ma Jess?!

You people make me sick. Jessie ain't some breed mare built to fulfil your fantasies.

She's having the necessary sixteen, but oh no, that's not enough, you've got to to push her to the edge.

Besides:

1. If Ma Jess wanted to be properly represented genetically she should've stayed and brought her daughter up, rather than fannying about on a suicide mission. Think of Ma and Pa's fine example.

I told yer, Mew lives in the jungle. She only goes up mountains in the skiing season. Even then it's off piste.

2. Jessie looks mostly like Ma Jess anyway so that'll do.

Considering that Jessie and Jessibelle are so similar, and Jessie is the image of her mother, any connection between the girls, should one exist, must come from Ma Jess's side, not any supposed father.

3. There are many folk out there who keep Ma Jess in mind when writing their stories and creating the upcoming generation, for all that she is a borderline mythological character who is canon only in the dub, ironically enough, and probably isn't anymore, until she is again.

If you want the output of those for whom her non-existent existence presses like a ten-ton weight on their conscience, they are all around you, but, who I ask, speaks for Ma and Pa's input? You know, The Best Parents In Pokémon, who stayed together and didn't abandon their son?

Come on, they've only got three fans, and that's including the one Ma holds! Someone's got to champion their half of the bloodline!

If more Ma and Pa followers read this, then show thyself!

4. We don't have a single iota of information on that bastard Pa Jess. The only thing I ever heard, back in the day, was him serving as Pokémon's version of Windy Miller, i.e. quite the alky.

Who's Windy Miller? I've been dying to give myself an an excuse to mention him.

Windy Miller was a main character in Camberwick Green, Trumpton and the other one, the name of which escapes me. These were searing documentaries of bleak rural poverty, the existential pain of living and one man's eternal struggle with the dæmon drink.

This was that man:

I've now convinced myself that's Pa Jess.

Look at him, swanning about his felt smock, his red bow, his shiny shoes and his Puritan hat: he's a menace to society.

Ah, and who shined those shoes? You can bet it wasn't him.

Windy Miller owned a windmill (shocked, aren't you?) and was always getting him into amusing scrapes thanks to his bibulous ways

See?

It got so bad they had call to the British Army from the the Napoleonic Wars to sort 'im out, as if they haven't got enough problems.

Windy was such a commited imbiber he didn't sup bottles of cider like lightweight teenage hooligans. He knocked back pots of the stuff.

Hardcore brother, hardcore.

The local children therefore learnt the harsh realities of life at an early age. The above picture is probably a fair encapsulation of Jessie's childhood.

You've never seen Pa Jess and Windy Miller side by side, have you?

It's because they're the same person. Where Windy originated we know not, and whither Pa went is a mystery, but no longer.

Thus concludes the history of Pa Jess.

Where was I? Oh yes, apparently when Ma Jess perished, Pa scraped together all the money not pissed up the wall and sent Jessie off to Pokémon Tech., after which he promptly died, of cirrhosis presumably. Or he went home more like.

Despite the clear evidence provided on Pa's identity, I'm sure some killjoy will quibble over the details. I suppose we have to humour such people.

Consequently, we can't legally claim to have knowledge of Pa Jess's appearance, barring the brood from inheriting it, meaning only a couple of options are open to us:

• Boy just like Ma Jess.

• Girl just like Ma Jess.

Alright! That's eighteen kids! Are you happy now?

Ooh, what about overpopulation?

Correction: the world's overpopulated with scum. We need more good 'uns to prevent being outnumbered.

If you're a husband and wife determined to spend eternity together, you might as well have  as many babies as possible.

I'm looking at you there, Ma and Pa James!

Compare Brock's lot: ten kids, Pa effed off, Ma died of exhaustion!

If that's what faithless marriages produce, rock-solid unions ought to contribute to the nation's wellbeing by bringing up decent children.

She is ethereally beautiful.

I can forgive a lot from a pretty face.

I've never seen this picture elsewhere, so if you use it, I will know it's from me.

Take it! Spread it across the internet! But I claim to be the originator.

As for Rumishippers (I know you're about, I've seen the art) I'm sure they also approve of these dynastic plans, as long as a slight tweak in the mother's name is allowed.

The fecundity will be as forthcoming, for we may conclude that Jessibelle is one to never utter the passion-thwarting line to James:

'Not tonight dear, I've got an headache.'

Not many men can say that whatever girl they choose to marry, the children will be same.

[theangrypokemaniac]

I'll state from the beginning that the images below display the sort of sweet synchronicity to which only love can give life:

MaAndPaShipping is the best ship, and here are five reasons why:

1. It Made James

Like the boy do yer? Ever felt the slightest tingle of warmth at the mention of his name?

Well get down on yer knees and give thanks to his mother and father for gifting him to the world!

Where would we be without their remarkable commitment? Could James have grown into the dandified dream boat of your desires if deprived of the safety provided by his parents?

Had they not brought him up, he'd be dead, The Dog of Flanders fantasy made reality. If miraculously he survived, foraging in the wild is not conducive to a foppish personality.

Is that to yer fancy? No? Then let's have a little respect. The luxury Ma and Pa gave enabled his macaroni tendencies to reach such heights.

Their love created him! How can it not be celebrated?

You lot would ship Jessie's parents but you can't, because she has no dad, and I don't suppose you'll ever assent to his obvious identity of Windy Miller, although 'Jessie Miller' has a wonderful ring to it, so what can be done?

Should a Pa Jess be conjured for the purpose, he still buggered off, didn't he? Where's the allure in a faithless git?

I can't comprehend the obsession with Ma Jess. As soon as here she's stiff, and what is there to remember but coercing her daughter into eating snow?

Hey, I named her. What more do you want from me?

I'd rather have the living, visible ancestors, if you don't mind.

Yeah, says the history fanatic.

Why not make the most of the chances offered, and follow a devoted couple whose love made a difference to your existence?

2. Canon!

There are many ships which I find repulsive for involving depravity, or absurd as the subjects haven't met, or don't inhabit the same fictional universe.

Video et taceo: I see and I say nothing.

Neither does anyone. Forcing decent folk in to incest, bestiality etc. is quite alright.

Perverted ideas are left alone, but woe betide a Rocketshipper, because that's offensive.

It may be the only original ship left standing, with proper evidence and sanctioned by Nintendo, but no, it's fair game for undermining. People pick at your arguments, quibble constantly and NEED to register their objections NOW. You MUST be made aware of opposition. You're not to be permitted your views the way those with twisted tastes are indulged.

Why, out of tens of thousands of combinations, does making Jessie and James an item provoke hostility?

The strength of negativity actually serves as validation, for why be so concerned if it's an impossible relationship?

However sick they are, I'm not anti any ship. I can't muster sufficient interest to do it, and if I scroll on, I forget. I certainly don't attack those responsible.

Anti-Shipping is inherently nihilistic for promoting loneliness. They aren't against Rocketshipping through wanting Jessie and James to be with someone else, as an alternative is not readily available, so the outcome of it is neither finding a companion.

MaAndPaShipping attracts no sourpuss silliness, for 'tis canon beyond question. There's nothing about being 'just friends' when married with a son.

How's the state of your O.T.P.? Not looking too clever I expect, and what's your contribution: wishing, and hoping, and thinking, and praying?

Cast it off! None of that longing is necessary in these quarters, as MaAndPaShipping is a fait accompli.

Hallelujah! Wallow in that Love!

Don't you yearn for at least one ship that all of us accept by default, to the extent these aristocrats are spoken of as a single unit?

Across the internet, Ma and Pa are bracketed as 'James's parents', never 'he' and 'she', always 'they', barely counting as distinct characters. That's how undeniable the love is between them. Sheer indifference has awarded it a blessing from everyone.

MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Of course, now I've drawn attention to it the moaning will start, but we all know a spoilsport when we see one.

If they had any legitimate complaints they ought to have mentioned 'em before this piece highlighted the marriage!

Except it won't have occurred to 'em previously, proving the eternal, indissoluble quality of MaAndPaShipping.

You get good value with this one.

Find a post referring to Ma and Pa as individuals and I'll have written it, for that's what you call ironic.

3. It's a Fine Rocketshipping Proxy

I was at primary school when Pokémon hit the West like the bright, bearded meteor it is, atomizing all competition for a child's attention.

I have shipped Jessie and James before I knew anyone else did it, unaware shipping was even a thing.

There are other pairs where I think: 'That seems to fit', but it's incomparable to what I feel for them.

It is part of me. I bleed it.

I have shipped it longer than most Tumblerries have dwelt upon the earth.

I used to believe, what with the hints and manga finale, that this resolution was  inevitable, and all I had to do was wait.

Well I've been patient for two decades now, thus when I look at the modern incarnation, and realise it's no nearer to that goal, and instead is further away, waiting starts to wear a bit thin.

I resent the lack of appreciation shown to the fans by the cretins in charge, how any meagre shippy inclusion is done not with an interest in deepening bonds, but with the blatant cynicism of moulding us into performing monkeys dancing to their manipulative tune.

I dislike being treated like a sea lion, expected to clap me flippers at the wave of a fish, or as a panting dog begging at top table, where, because they're desperate to maintain the status quo, every scrap flung down from above now comes with an Anti-Ship kick in the teeth, just to be sure nothing progresses. Not whilst the franchise can still be milked for all it's worth.

I have lost faith Rocketshipping will happen. What passes for Pokémon today carries not the remotest indication of any intention on the so-called writers' part to finish it that way.

Even if it did, it's not my Team Rocket, it's those skeletal, gargoyle bastardisations. My Jessie and James never got the reward they deserved.

I'm somewhat in the market for a replacement. Beneath this loathsome carapace of acid and ice beats the tender heart of a true romantic, and it must have an outlet!

Shipping Ma and Pa provides a certain spurious relief, because it's as close as you can get to Jessie and James without it being them, both biologically as his parents, but they're so similar to the duo it counts as proof in itself.

Holy Matrimony! is prime Rocketshipping territory, not merely the balloon lift, but many slight additions are as important, like the haircuts matching.

Ma and Pa are therefore Jessie and James in the past, present and future:

The past for representing Jess 'n' Jamie gone Victorian, and we've all wondered how that'd turn out.

The present as it's there right now, absent of suffering the shameless whims of morons to get what you want. 'Tis yours to savour.

The future as a glimpse of Jessie and James once married with children, and they agree:

That's how they play it given the opportunity!

What, James in blue, for his and Pa's hair, and Jessie wearing purple, like Ma's, with a red shawl for her own, and Ma Jess's orange earrings to copy the beads?

• Money!

• Bun!

• 'Tache!

• Classy pad!

• Fancy gear!

• Pampered pet!

• Identical cups of Earl Grey!

4. Original Blend

Ma and Pa have only got two fans! We care more than the entire fandom has in twenty years!

Rocketshipping art is ten a penny, so why not display a pioneering spirit, sharpen up those pencils and be inspired?

Let your mind expand and marvel at the possibilities of these unchartered territories, and I'll reblog it if it's nice.

Pay attention to the condition of it being nice. I'm not putting up with any old toss.

Real Ma and Pa is what I want too, not those Sinnoh coffin-dodgers.

It's never been done! Every drawing breaks new ground!

I don't like fan fiction, but I wouldn't say 'no' to that either. Recall the 'nice' stipulation again.

Come on, be the first amongst your friends and get ship shape!

5. It Gives Us All Hope

Suppose your favourite amour one day became canon: you imagine that's the end of the matter?

Well it ain't.

Between Ash, Misty, Brock, Jessie, James, Gary and Tracey, there are three-and-a-half out of fourteen parents (Flint doesn't count as a complete man) and one out of twenty-eight grandparents, and that's not enough!

If the series drew to a close with your beloved couple apparently walking into the happily-ever-after, there's no guarantee it'll endure. In fact, the odds are they'll split up within a few years and leave another generation to fend for themselves or starve.

That's right, so don't presume the final episode is all you need to worry about. Can you rest easy knowing it'll go pear-shaped once the camera stops rolling?

It's futile soothing one's worries with:

Oh, but they know what it's like to be alone. They'd never inflict such stress on their children.

Oh really?

Look at that poor showing of grandparents. Either Pokémon has a system reminiscent of the sci-fi film Logan's Run, where everyone over thirty is vapourized, or these disappearing maters and paters were themselves victims of abandonment.

I bet when they settled down, they thought it'd be different for their kids, they'd make sure of it, but no, off they went down that same route of feckless self-indulgence, and that's being kind assuming they intended not to repeat history.

Depressing eh? What's the good in any of us surrendering to romance, real or otherwise, if love is but a mayfly of emotion, and all dreams are doomed to die?

Then Ma and Pa arrive, and suddenly the storm clouds part for a ray of heavenly light.

It's not only that they made the effort in what was probably an arranged marriage and have stayed together from youth, it's that they've stayed together when no one else has, which augments its value.

When separation is commonplace, sticking it out becomes rarer and rarer as any belief in the sanctity of wedlock erodes with every failure.

If they didn't bother, why should I? What's the use when it won't work?

Once that idea enters your head, it's over, and your gloom-laden attitude fulfils itself.

Society is collapsing about Ma and Pa's ears, but they persevere nevertheless, refusing to buckle under the turgid malaise engulfing the arrogant and weak.

It's bloody beautiful, man!

You may suggest an environment of supreme wealth erases normality, and to their class and time period divorce is still taboo, so they don't really have much of choice but to remain wedded.

Ah, but it's not as if they simply tolerate one another for appearances, or carried on for the sake of their son (which is more than anyone else did besides), not when he walked out on them.

They've been married longer than James has lived, so at least eighteen years (don't all squeal at once), and they're still blissfully contented!

They hold hands!

They use terms of endearment like 'dear' and 'my precious'!

They were made for one another!

They work as a team!

They want the same thing for James!

It could bring a stone angel to tears it's so beautiful!

See what success can be achieved when you try? When you endeavour to love the one you're with and make yourself worth loving in return?

Better that than chucking 'em at the first sign of trouble.

Ma and Pa is such an irrevocable union even the despair of losing their only child failed to tear 'em asunder, and that'd defeat many, but not this husband and wife.

Be grateful, for it means all is not in vain.

It doesn't have to be misery and pain: love can last despite the pressure of a wretched, hollow culture bent on self-destruction. Your ship might just succeed too.

God bless 'em for keeping the magic alive!

...

Why do I have the presentiment that I'm going to regret encouraging support?

[theangrypokemaniac]

Comparing Holy Matrimony! to The Treasure Is All Mine!:

At least effort was made to show Little James and Little Jessibelle as believably children, with round faces and softer, sloping tsurime eyes.

Yet Sinnoh Little James and Sinnoh Little Jessibelle have the same heads as Sinnoh James and Sinnoh Jessibelle, ensuring their younger selves are reminiscent of midgets rather than kids.

Not one of the scenes featuring Sinnoh Ma and Sinnoh Pa are new. The bone-idle animators took stills from Holy Matrimony!, flipped 'em, aged the pair about three hundred million years (give or take) and drew 'em a lot smaller in the hope we wouldn't notice.

Well I do!

In the following, the Holy Matrimony! images are as they come, but I had to zoom in to capture the copies.

Sinnoh Ma can't put the fan down! It's superglued to her hand!

[theangrypokemaniac]

I am not imagining it, we did have pictorial evidence:

Ma and Pa James: The Wonder Years

They are near-enough identical to their older selves. The slight indication of a more callow demeanour is in Ma's girlish attire and Pa's shorter moustache.

That stick will be for the recent injury sustained in the cataclysmic war Lieutenant Surge used to mention, where Electric Pokémon saved him.

Brave Pa, going over the top!

Ma could be anywhere from her teens to her twenties, and comparable to Jessie and Jessibelle. If travelling, she'd provoke Brock's hormonal hysterics.

Whereas if you shave Pa he's a contemporary of his son.

It's interesting that the foundational style of Ma and Pa is youthful, then superficially aged, tying back Ma's hair and giving Pa a devilish 'tache, but both of these additions are easily reversible. Underneath, they remain the same.

Compared to every other notable adult:

They're younger than Oakie-Dokie.

They're younger than Giovanni.

They're younger than Flint.

Perhaps they started a family sooner than him, or he's experienced a much harsher life (all self-inflicted and which he entirely deserves) but as Ma and Pa weren't designed with any permanant facial lines the implication is they aren't so old.

In conclusion, that's how Ma and Pa looked when James was a boy.

Not this!

How the bloody hell did that happen?

He's too fat and she's too thin!

His nose was pointed, now it's bulbous. Hers is joined to her eyebrow!

Pa looked built, but Sinnoh Pa is nursing middle-aged spread. He's both hefty and frail, simultaneously overfed and malnourished.

How can he have gone grey in his son's childhood if he's blue then and in the future?

What, so they once had James early on, but now he wasn't born until Sinnoh Pa was over the hill?

Ma was his beautiful wife, not a weary maiden aunt he keeps out of generosity.

A rich man ain't gonna put up with such nonsense! What's money for but to pull the cream of the crop, bird wise?

She wore her hair down in them days! It's the wrong dress!

Stop squinting, Sinnoh Ma! Put those specs on!

Presumably, had Sinnoh Ma and Sinnoh Pa properly appeared, rather than in flashback, this is how they would be, not withered even further, meaning they were drawn for a situation that didn't happen.

These two are therefore starting off ancient as an average, with no attempt at rejuvenation. Rather than passing through years remarkably unscathed, they've been pensioners since birth!

And why is it so flat? What happened to the gleam on Pa's tie pin, Ma's beads and her brooch?

And why was the house drawn with mid-90s P.C. graphics with its owners cut out of cardboard?

And is there no roof or is the ceiling painted to resemble an albino Mickey Mouse deity peering and leering?

And where does the Wendy house window look to that's so blue, dab la de, dab la di?

I wonder if the horrible ageing wasn't to retroactively enforce similarity with Nanny and and Pop-Pop.

Every site says it's paternal grandparents, but they're Southern, so I don't know.

Nanny and Pop-Pop fail to resonate with me because I don't accept these antecedents for either Ma or Pa.

The head shapes are different, as are the skintones, the codgers are sporting low-slung ears, pencil necks, and the noses are off: Pop's got too much hooter, Nan's not got enough.

How can a couple, both with black tareme peepers, produce a child with green or brown tsurime eyes?

If you told me they were Ash's nan and grandad I'll believe it quicker.

Why, if it's inherited wealth, have they stunted growth, or have the ravages of time sucked the marrow from their bones?

If they run a lax establishment with no rules and aren't bothered about James joining Team Rocket, from where did Ma or Pa get their insistence on propriety and formality, which is handed down?

What do you mean, you don't mind James stealing from children? What kind of amoral commune is this?

Yet Sinnoh Ma and Sinnoh Pa do resemble them, which must've been the intention.

What a bloody mess made of geneology, giving Nanny both hair contour lines and a cow-lick, which I expect is meant to be the predecessor of The Family Fringe.

Yeah, but I'd like it to be patrilineal, as it always is in the Gothic Romances.

She can't have features of both of them!

We don't want those 'quaint' Alola customs round here, where the swimming pools are bigger than the gene pools.

You know where that leads:

The Melemele Hills Have Eyes.

[theangrypokemaniac]

Found this picture of Sinnoh Ma and Sinnoh Pa:

This is painful for me.

Sinnoh Pa has morphed into the grey-haired, old-timer Gentleman Trainers you meet on the Saint Anne, and what about the wife?

Countless outrages are being committed!

When I look at that, I don't see Sinnoh Ma's nose hidden by the fan, it's hanging over the top like a beak.

Oh Ma, what have they done to you?

How she reminds me of so many things at once:

Jellicent

Piedmon

Puppetmon

Half of the Four Dark Masters in one go.

Does that make Sinnoh Pa MetalSeadramon and Machinedramon?

Ah, why not?

Same hair colour.

Same shaped head.

Obscure references to little-known but underrated animations coming up:

Aunt Messina (Anne of Cleves) from Freddie as F.R.07

Madame Hecuba from Jack and the Beanstalk

Speaking of which, the flatness of this drawing style reminds me of Madame Hecuba's Paper Wraiths:

The wedding of Sinnoh James and Sinnoh Jessibelle would've had this congregation:

Fifty percent of Ma and Pa's fanbase vows never to forgive this!

[theangrypokemaniac]

Sex dungeon? Pfft. That's all I ever hear!

That's just a nice, normal, entirely respectable torture chamber partly converted into Pa James's home gym.

Only partly converted you understand, as more would ruin the period detail, and Ma and Pa are very keen on period detail.

What's the matter with you lot? Don't the mansions where you live have rooms ringing with the screams of ages past?

And you call yerselves a civilisation.

If I visited an estate and it didn't have a similar subterranean spot, then that's when I'd worry. Obviously the owner must be up to something.

Where's the sex in that dungeon? Which object supplies the sex and, if removed, would cleanse it of the sex?

It's time for T.A.P.'s Tour:

1. Applicable Dartboard

Yeah, you could have separate targets for different projectiles, but why waste the space when one will do the job of many?

Darts, arrows, axes, spears, knives, bullets, severed heads, this baby takes 'em.

I suppose you want you know why the figure is so big. Well there are many theories.

A. What's the use in it being life size? There's no fun there. It'd barely cover the bullseye.

B. It's a dungeon! It's got to at least have an imposing atmosphere.

You don't want prisoners pointing and laughing at your stuff when it's intended to be a place of terror.

C. Pa was getting sick to the back teeth of poachers pilfering his coy 'Karp, so he set about shooting the chancers.

He wanted James to be as vigilant, so started passing on his skills once the boy progressed from 'skeet', and you need a large target for a beginner.

That arrow to the kidneys was James's final shot before he was off.

Pa looks on it with pride frequently, wiping away a manly tear.

D. When you buy a photo frame there will sometimes be a staged picture inside, to give you an idea of your own images on display.

It'll be a glamorous beach scene of a laughing family, because they ain't selling you the frame, they're selling you the dream.

It's the same with massive dartboards. Helping you imagine victims affixed to it adds to its appeal.

Pa leaving it there is the equivalent of not unwrapping the cellophane. He wants it in mint condition for when James comes home.

Conversely, rumour has it that it's no mannequin, but rather a preserved corpse.

Not dummy, but mummy.

A. I'll have you know that's not any old mummy. That's the brother of the King of France, A.K.A. The Man In The Iron Mask.

When he died of 'natural causes' (no polyester to an arrow) they couldn't just sling him in a pauper's grave. He's a prince, man!

Nor could he be admitted to the royal crypt, not when he does not officially exist.

Obviously the only alternative was to strap him to a target, bandaged excessively for fear any ghoulish snooper may learn the truth.

This came into Pa's hands via auction, and he didn't like to ask questions.

B. People who hunt mount their prey on the walls, and Pa is no exception.

Ma wouldn't have it in the drawing room, and it can't go in the attic as that's where the servants live.

Pa don't shoot animals, only woodwosies.

C. It was handed down from Pa Pa James, and his pa before him, and his pa before that.

Who it actually is therefore lost to the mists of time.

Maybe Pa ought to have dumped it by now, but passing it to the heir is tradition.

And tradition is what separates us from the monkeys.

D. Ma was a very desirable maiden, and back when Pa was a-courting, he had a rival, worryingly preferred by Ma Ma James and Pa Ma James, but not Ma, thank God.

She knew he was a wrong 'un. Wonky eye you see.

Luckily he disappeared in... mysterious circumstances, leaving the path to True Love uncluttered.

That's what you get if you try to snatch Ma's hand in marriage!

2. Viewing Gallery

The outer building is eighteenth century, but the bones of the abode date back far further, hence the somewhat mediæval millieu.

From the Good Old Days when the Norman baron looked down cackling as impudent Saxon serfs were taught a thing or two.

3. Bench

Pa is broader than his son, and he owes it all to his daily weight-lifting routine on this rather Spartan apparatus.

4. Crate

You can't have weights piled up in view. It makes the place look untidy.

Also: stubbed toes.

This is where Pa keeps his neatly stacked, alongside dartboard ammunition and his silky boxing gear.

5. Punch Bag

Ever since those quivering ninnies in Westminster banned the perfectly harmless past time of duelling to the death, gentlemen have needed to find other solutions to disagreements.

Boxing is the ideal replacement. It's a proud day when a lad is first asked to 'step outside' for he and his opponent to 'settle things like men'.

Care of course must be taken that ladies are not present, for they will become overexcited by the spectacle, and may even join the frey.

This is to be discouraged, for blunt objects will then be introduced, as that's how it is with them.

This explains why girly sports (rounders, hockey and lacrosse) feature implements, because girls like to get hold of something, and girls fight dirtily.

6. Thing

7. Wide Viewing Gallery

You couldn't see much action from that angle, so I expect this is a storage region, to where certain features such as the iron maiden were moved to accommodate Pa's gym equipment.

8. Mighty Flail

Inheritance: it's not all glamour.

Along with the Old Bastard's Old Masters and the tax bill, you'll end up with sweet pieces of warfare from your long bloodline of warriors.

I'm sure there's a very humorous story about the skulls this cracked during the Hundred Years War.

9. Other Punch Bags

They're not small, they're just far away.

Hey, you'd be soft, saggy and misshapen if you got whacked in the face every day.

A boxing man needs replacements at hand when his old bag is worn out from all that hard lovin'.

10. Pendulum Axe

Another proud weapon from the Glory Days. Can also be utilised to sway menacingly over shackled inmates for a classic lingering death.

Portable variants are also available.

11. Ramp

Pa can't be seen running outside by his inferiors, as he'd lose their trembling respect.

He thus confines his cross-country pursuits to racing up, down and across this metal contraption.

Not sure why it has teeth.

12. Vault

The bane of every childhood. Who hasn't been forced to scale it's suede dome at one point?

Those spare parts aren't big enough to fit the base, but number one is already in place.

It's driving me mad with confusion!

A jumping man awakens primæval twinges in Woman.

He shall father the children.

Tackling a stile demeans every fool who tries. Were you instead to leap over its devilish design, you would gain the admiration of all dwelling within fifteen miles.

Pa has mastered the skill, and having honed it through dedicated practice, can now back flip on to the mantlepiece.

13. Kitchen Roll

Paper towels are invaluable to a household for their way with spillages.

Pa wipes his hot brow before his post-workout bath, and lays a few sheets across his lap when enjoying a ploughman's lunch to avoid grease on his trousers.

14. Wipe-Clean Chaise Longue

A rest between exercises is vital to prevent strain.

I note there appears to be an inbuilt lamp, so unusually for furniture it's plugged in to the mains, even if it shines on the feet part.

Its presence gives me the idea that Pa may also use this unlikely space as a study.

Not his main study, but it's good to have everything at hand.

When he wishes to get away from it all, a working-class man of a certain vintage goes to The Shed.

Pa can't do that, for 'tis beneath him.

Not only does his shed contain the head gardener, but it resembles Brighton Pavilion.

A true hermit's shed must be a depressing, dilapidated sight to evoke the nobly pathetic state of the fella within.

When he wishes to get away from it all, a younger, richer, gadget-fixated, rather emasculated man goes to the 'man cave'.

Pa can't do that either, because he's not a berk.

Ma and Pa always planned that once James and Jessibelle were wed, they'd come over on certain evenings.

After puddings the Ladies would fall into chatter about Ladies' Things such as lace doilies, kittens in bonnets and various models of corsetry.

The Men meanwhile would withdraw for billiards and discussion of Men's Things such as the stock market, Stevenson's Rocket and Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

Well that didn't come to pass. Jessibelle still visits, but you can't make a four for bridge with only three.

With whom is Pa meant to converse in that situation?

No billiards!

Being around the girls just reminds him of James's absence, so he goes for a lie down, with all amenities on tap.

Top bombing!

15. Another Crate

Proximity to the aforesaid suggests to me that this is where Pa keeps his tastiest treats for when he's confined down here, such as Wagon Wheels, Jammy Dodgers, Party Rings and Milky Ways.

How about Cream Eggs?

Oh no. Cream Eggs are forbidden.

16. Don't Know

No. Still don't know.

Is it meant to be that way up?

What are the ridges for, and the raised part, and the control panel?

Hang on, wasn't there a treadmill? What happened to that?

Is it evil, so becomes an inanimate purple werewolf treadmill when exposed to people?

It's the only explanation.

17. Oil Barrels

Specifically paraffin. It's not going to be crude oil is it now?

I'm judging by the chandelier that it's been converted to take candle-shaped light bulbs, so electricity runs through most of the house.

Not the dungeon. They don't want it all lit and cosy when enemies require intimidating. What kind of wet, touchy-feely behaviour do you expect?

Dark is the only language they understand.

However, some light is necessary for gloaters and employed torturers to go about their business, as well as in case of power cuts, and here is the fuel for antique lamps.

18. Wrecking Ball

Public school boys are infamous for their mischievous ways, and Pa was no exception.

There was nothing he liked better than sticking a bobble hat on a statue or frightening his housemaster with a rubber spider.

This he stole from a builder's yard. Ma feels it doesn't really fit the setting, but Pa wanted to make his mark on the family torture chamber.

As he told her, you can never have too many tools of pain, just in case.

19. Fold-Up Ping-Pong Table

Not been full length much since Pa lost James as a competitor.

He tries to persuade Ma to have a game, but she only glares at him, asking if that's the best thing he can think for them to do together.

Pa consequently forgets about ping pong.

Works every time.

20. Climbing Frame

Women also love a climbing man. If you can scale a wall, you'll never want in that department.

There's no scrape that can't be improved or even completely conquered with a bit of climbing.

I mean, just consider:

How else are yer gonna re-adjust the satellite dish for bloody Cup Final?

...

I trust I have now cleared Ma and Pa of these foul calumnies.

The real question is what's illuminating the room.

Remember the candlestick on the table upstairs?

It's the same one Jessibelle's got.

They thought of everything!

Yet when they arrive she hasn't got it anymore!

What happened to the candlestick?

She must've left on an unseen shelf, knowing the torture chamber would provide sufficiently.

Oh no, you've left the lights on! You'll kick yourself when the bill arrives!

Sure enough, the dungeon is so bright it blinds Jessie and Meowth to what awaits.

But there's no bloody light source in there!

[theangrypokemaniac]

Ma adopts the classic pose of a Lady by gathering her hands together, for that speaks of breeding. Look at Renaissance portraiture and you'll find many a predecessor doing alike.

When at ease, Pa puts his hands behind him, as they teach a gentleman to behave. Prince Philip also follows the rule in part thanks to the hard discipline of a naval career.

On Ma her waist is a deeper red, as that's the shadow cast by her...blessings.

In a similar fashion, the ideal build of a man is a flat stomach and broad chest, and Pa's pecs extend so much the rest of him is thrown into darkness.

I told yer it was gym in the dungeon!

Let me make a comparison with Sinnoh's version of this scene.

Original picture:

You're too far away. I can't see properly.

Instead of staring out of the French window, maybe more concern ought to paid to the demonic apparitions in the background.

What's this, a party for the Beings Between Dimensions?

I kept thinking the second one is Angela Lansbury, busy blending in to solve another society murder.

This explains why James is confined to the immediate outside: well within observing distance but not too close, in case one of the guests consumes his soul.

How bloody evil is Sinnoh Ma there?

Look at her nasty face: she's like a furious mint imperial.

Her head is imploding under its own gravitational pull.

Even Sinnoh Pa's trousers are an affront to me. Gone is the proud protuberance and in comes a material arrangement implying he's trying not to soil himself whilst also hiding the truth, both in stance and spillage, hence turning his back to the crowd.

Worry not, Sinnoh Pa, you're wearing those special pads aren't you? Very absorbant.

I know the berks who wrote Sinnoh held Team Rocket in contempt but does that extend to their relatives too? Is there any reason why Sinnoh Ma and Sinnoh Pa have suffered the Palsied Touch Of Death wiping 'em down with its slimy appendage?

Perhaps it befell the pair on this very evening, so the boy was locked out for his own good.

Too late, his head's already had the sniff of it, that's why he resembles a midget version of his older self.

As I've commented previously, every single scene of The Treasure Is All Mine! featuring James's parents was lifted straight from Holy Matrimony! because the 'artists' are too busy picking their own arses to come up with anything new.

Why not? The plot's a copy, so might as well do the same with the animation. Flaunt those recycling credentials!

Some are exactly the same pose, albeit in poorer quality, but many are reversed, as if that disguises it, and when a picture is flipped, it seems twisted and misaligned, as shown above.

Yet even that wasn't enough, as their rendering of it is even worse, and given a scowling expression.

What are they trying to say? You think a wizened old dog like that could ever entice Pa's lust?

As if! Sinnoh Ma is blatantly older than him! Why would he put up with that?

He's rich! He can pull underwear models!

Sinnoh Pa would, because he's desperate. Appearances don't matter so much when you're in dire need of a bed bath.

I tremble with the fear that one day the writers might recall Ma and Pa's existence, and reintroduce 'em, as going by this progression the third showing will be even more shrivelled:

Next thing you know we'll be dealing with Link's nan from The Wind Waker!

What is this thing in anime when anyone over forty suddenly resembles a friendly walnut?

What colour is Sinnoh Ma's hair meant to be there? Mauve?

Mauve?!

Since when was she bloody mauve?

Her actual shade somewhat depends on where you get the image.

Google:

Serebii:

Both of these match the old cassette copy I cherish.

What's up with yer screen shots, Serebii? Did you take 'em through one of those blurring toilet windows?

Pokémon T.V. Crapp:

I can't trust it. Each update produces a slightly different version of the same scene. I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

What is it, claret? Maroon? Aubergine?

Hey, T.A.P. isn't on intimate terms with exact hues and all their airy-fairy appellations. In my day reciting the contents of a rainbow was impressive. Doing it in order ranked one as a genius.

It certainly isn't mauve. Apparently Sinnoh Ma wasn't withered enough, and required something to really wash out her complexion, implying greyness but not quite.

I'll tell you of what this reminds me:

Hey Arnold!

If I remember it correctly (and that's not guaranteed) there was an episode featuring a go-kart race, though I don't believe they really exist, as I've never seen such a spectacle.

Sid (the one with a penis for a nose and a nose for a penis) called his The Dark Avenger, whereas Eugene (the grinning one with ginger frizz) had The Mauve Storm.

After a mishap they were obliged to share an makeshift vehicle, but rather than combining names to form The Dark Storm, Knobnose got well annoyed as Pubehead insisted on christening it The Mauve Avenger.

You could call Sinnoh Ma that.

Well there's some bloody mauve avenging taking place tonight, though I don't deserve this insult.

Fun fact: mauve is entirely synthetic, invented by accident during the Industrial Revolution.

Well there you are then.

God is so opposed to the concept of Sinnoh Ma's barnet He refused to even make it possible, because God hates mauve, refusing to allow it in nature. 'Twas forged from the diabolical furnaces within those Dark Satanic Mills instead, emphasis on the Satanic.

But I thought you liked purple and all it's many varieties.

Quiet you. It's the principle.

Where was I?

The reason why Sinnoh Ma has the fan surgically grafted to her person is it makes an easy flat surface to draw, rather than having to bother with her beads, brooch and folded neckline.

Her bony exterior evokes female slebs who foolishly imagine being as thin as possible adds youth, when in fact it's deeply ageing.

As for Pa, none of his colours have been followed, and that waistcoat on Sinnoh Pa has a most angry cut.

His general dodderiness gives the impression his pockets are peppered with furry Werther's Originals, as pensioners love sucking a Werther. Everyone knows that.

But they break yer teeth!

S'okay. Sinnoh Pa has none.

Now what about the physiques?

Notice on Pa little red is visible, with his blazer hanging straight down for meeting no impediment, even drawing inwards at the end of chest.

You can see a lot more red on Sinnoh Pa, and the blazer has to part the further down it goes to accommodate the belly. The shadow is absent because this area exceeds the top.

They've warped Pa from being a fella who cared about his body enough to keep it trim, to one who let himself go.

How people deal with weight tells you about their personality. He can't be busy sweating it off and also not give a toss!

What, is Ma gonna tolerate the possibility of a conjugal crushing as it rolls over?

No way, she's got standards!

Why would she touch that when there's plenty of sexy beasts ready to snap 'er up?

Sinnoh Ma would. She needs a big container to store her favourite tipple of blood.

Bear in mind that Pa is the character when James is grown up, and Sinnoh Pa a recollection from childhood, meaning the old, fat, grey, decrepit vision is the younger incarnation. Make sense to me.

Sinnoh Pa ate all the pies, man!