i know pirates of the caribbean would have never been made today (on-location practical effects film) but if it WAS...
we'd absolutely have another "Introducing Disney's First Ever LGBT Character!!" moment, and of course everyone would be like "oh yeah, jack sparrow is bisexual, we're aware, got it." and then disney would be like "No."
and so we'd be like, "Oh, okay, Pintel and Ragetti are definitely not related and there's something homeoerotic going on there. Cool. We support that." and disney would go "No..."
and then they'd point to this fucking picture
"Maccus, the shark-headed first mate, has unrequited feelings for Davy Jones..." and there'd be an approximately 0.5 second scene where Maccus looks at Davy out of the corner of his 3rd eye and goes "Davy....." and Davy ignores him and disney is like "We're so brave for this."
and it'd be another goddamn gaston/le fou situation where half of y'all would be going "oh my god slayyyy love is reeaaalll" while the other half are pointing out how weirdly homophobic it is to have the cursed, PERPETUALLY DAMNED, ANIMAL-LIKE men be hinted as gay
and the fanart would be vile
