#madd rant

[bee-cried]

[chasing-girlhood]

An unstoppable force (madd taking up all of my waking and sometimes half-awake! hours) meets an immovable object (the urge to post about madd on my tumblr blog)

i swear i want to relate to my fellow tumblr madders but to do that i would have to Stop Daydreaming and i am not yet strong enough for that (different madd criteria/madd questions) "how many hours a day do you daydream?" bitch all of them?!?!? except for sleeping but i have chronic insomnia not related to madd but guess what my brain does to fill the insomnia gap? daydream and so i lose time before bed too and the first thing I do when I wake up? daydream i've gotten so good at it too - daydreaming all of the time about anything whatsoever without it showing to other people and that doesn't mean it doesn't impact my life (or else it wouldn't really be madd) but i can hide my struggling so well and even snap out of the daydreaming for just enough time to talk to people/function somewhat normally before being sucked right back in the second its possible im a functioning addict but not for alcohol or other drugs Its Just Madd (and its driving me mad[d]) "avoid your triggers" everythings a trigger. everything. anything could spark a daydream or daydream scenario. I have over 10 different AUs for my current main paracosm bc of shit like this (and yes I can keep track of them. who needs brain function for normal human activities when you have daydreams!). and if there are no triggers around? i'll replay a scene just to watch it again or to go through and make little changes to improve the scene. or create another au. there's no escape and the hard part is: i don't want it to go away. at least not right now. i love my paras and paracosms (well, most of them). but i hope one day my life will get to a point where i don't need to daydream all of the time to escape reality and i can just be an immersive daydreamer and a functional human. but right now? that's not gonna happen. and i'm okay with it. and the worst part: i don't control my daydreams. they're set off by random triggers or boredom and i can't control what i daydream about or when, or for how long. usually its fine, but sometimes i'll daydream something disturbing. or gory/graphic. or generally unpleasant. and these scenes are always extra vivid. and when that happens? i want to stop daydreaming. just for a few hours. a little bit of time. but no. its somehow even harder to snap out of it for a little bit and i have to ride it through. and just for a moment, i hate it. i hate madd. and then it provides an enticing, not horrific escape a while later, and i don't hate it anymore. this wasn't supposed to turn into a rant. for anyone who read it, thanks for listening. may your daydreams (madd or otherwise) be pleasant.