It broke Schlatt when he had to let Y/N go, But he would go through hell a thousand times if it meant he got to hold her again.
“If I could hold you for a minute… I’d go through it again.”
TW: Mental Illness, angst, ocd, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, break up, pining, feelings of worthlessness, basically a self insert without a physical description, Based in Texas… because so am I
A/N: I’m totally ok, and definitely not scared of my mental illness… 👀
My bags are packed before Jay gets home. I don’t want to make this any harder than it has to be. I should probably leave before he gets here, but he deserves an explanation. I’m not really sure what to say when he gets here, but he doesn’t deserve to be ghosted…
When the door opens I regret my decision to stay. He’s holding an H-E-B bag with frozen pizzas and ranch.
The second he locks eyes with me I break down. The bag falls from his hand as he rushes to pull me into a hug.
“What’s wrong pumpkin? What happened?” His voice is filled love and tenderness, very different from his online persona. It makes me cry harder.
“I can’t do this Jay… I-” He pulls me impossibly closer, mumbling a quiet ‘don’t do this’. “I already packed everything into my car. I can’t ask you to stay, I wouldn’t do that to you…”
He knows that I’ve been struggling lately, but I would never ask him to understand the extent of my anguish. I could never tell him about my hours spent researching. The notes. The fear of being alone with myself.
All I’ve ever wanted is to marry the man of my dreams, and have a big family. My mind constantly tells me that I can’t have it…
Nobody would want to deal with you, he’d get tired of it eventually. What if your kids are crazy like you? You don’t want to run the risk that he has to find you dea-
“You aren’t doing anything to me, you don’t have to do this… we can get through this, we can get you whatever help you need… please…”
I’m doing this because I love him. I can tell when he sees the look in my eyes, he mumbles a quick okay before leaving to put the pizzas in the freezer.
I run to lock myself in the bathroom… I feel like I’m going to throw up.
When I finally get myself together, I leave the bathroom on a mission to get out quickly. It takes me a while before I realize what’s happening.
“where the hell did you put my keys Jay?” I see him sitting at our table, set with two plates of pizza and two glasses of wine.
“You’re not driving right now… I just heard you have a twenty minute panic attack, you’re in no headspace to drive.” I know he won’t give me the keys, no matter how much I try to convince him. “Do you even have anywhere to go?” I just shake my head. He gets up and walks into our bedroom.
I can hear him on the phone with Ted, he’s asking if I can stay in LA with him. When he returns, we sit down to eat the now cold pizza.
“What did he say?” I didn’t necessarily want to move across the country, but we both know I wouldn’t be able to actually leave well enough alone if I stayed.
I can tell that he’s been crying, but I know that this is what’s truly best for him in the long run. “He said yes, obviously. I’ll drive you to his place, and catch a flight back.” I knew that there was no convincing him to leave me alone for extended periods of time… I wonder if Ted told him not to let me out of his sight.
After dinner Jay offers to sleep on the couch, but I tell him that I don’t want our last night to be spent in different parts of the house.
He holds me as I cry myself to sleep.
This is what’s best for him.
The nearly twenty hour drive was silent, stopping whenever the gas gauge lit up. Jay always knew what to get me from the gas station, while I stayed in the car reading. About halfway through the ride he finally decided to play some music, our shared playlist flowing through the tense atmosphere.
I decided to take a nap at some point, and was awoken by Jay gently shaking my shoulder while handing me some food that he had gotten. “We’ve only got about an hour left… you need to eat, and I think we should talk about it.”
No. You can’t handle this, the car ride is hell as is… and now he wants you to talk about why you’re breaking his heart?
“There’s not much to talk about Jay… there isn’t any way to convince me that it was a mistake.” I can see the hurt look in his eyes when I say it, and I really didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh. “I love you so much… and I promise, this is for you.”
He starts to try and argue, before settling on asking about publicity. My only response is that we can deal with it separately. I finish my food, and finish the last few chapters of my book.
It takes less than an hour to move all of my stuff into Ted’s guest room.
Ted is my best friend, and we’ve known each other for years. He introduced me to the job prospects of the internet. He introduced me to all of his colleagues when I was first starting on YouTube…
After helping move everything in, Jay got ready to fly out. He said a quick goodbye to me, before going outside to talk to Ted.
They were out there for a really long time.
What if he’s convincing Ted that you are a horrible person?
What if they’re working together to get you put away?
What if you opened the window?
My phone is in my hand immediately, looking up the likelihood of injury/death from a second story jump. Very unlikely. Shit.
All of the sudden, the walls feel too close. The window is too far. I hear Jay’s Uber leaving, and everything starts to collapse.
This was a mistake. I just ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s too late. He hates me. I should have just left a note and Jumped off the congress avenue bridge.
I hear a soft knock at my door, and hear it creak open. Ted sits down in front of me, placing my hand on his chest. We work on breathing exercises that he taught me years ago. When I finally feel slightly normal, he pulls me into a tight hug.
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