Hindi ko alam kung anong magic ang dala ng ganitong oras. Pero madalas, sa pagpatak ng ala-una, pag unti-unting nauubos ang kausap sa Facebook at Twitter, doon na bubuhos ang mga pilosopikal na tanong sa isip ko. Mga tanong na hindi nasasagot ng simpleng oo at hindi, bagkus, ay nangangailangan ng maingat na pagninilay para mahanap ang pinakatama at lohikal na sagot. Sa karaniwang gabing ito, isang tanong ang bumabagabag sa akin–magaling ba talaga ako?
Achiever ako noong elementary. ‘Di ko makakalimutan yung ningning sa mata ng magulang ko tuwing recognition day, kasi paulit-ulit tinatawag ang pangalan ko. Iba yung sense of pride na dala ng pagka-clash ng mga medal na nakasabit sa leeg mo. Ramdam na ramdam ko na proud sa akin ang magulang ko.
Para sa aking hayskul, isinuggest ng Mommy ko na mag-aral ako sa isang Special Science Curriculum. Hindi na ito bagong ideya sa akin, dahil may kakilala akong nagtapos sa Manila Science High School. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko noon na gusto kong makapasok sa eskwelahang ito, gusto ko patunayan ang talino ko sa isang public school.
Nag-review ako nang maigi, at sinuportahan ako ng magulang ko sa tunguhin ko. Sa awa ng Panginoon at ng dalawang daang inaabot ko kay Tita Beth (tutor ko) tuwing matatapos ang aming session, nakapasok ako sa SSC. I was ranked #52, pero kung di mo na bibilangin yung sampung exempted, pang-42 ako sa mga kumuha ng exam. Once again, I remember my parents being proud of me.
Hindi biro ang unang taon sa SSC. Doon ko unang naramdaman na hindi pala ako espesyal. I was far outweighed by other students in my city. In this crowd, I was nothing but ordinary. Pinaiyak ako ng mga asignaturang Math at Earth Science. I even got a grade of 84 with the latter. That was heart-crushing, especially for a student who’s used to see rows of 9′s in her report card. Marunong lang pala ako. At sa unang pagkakataon, hindi ako umakyat ng stage sa recognition day. Mabuti nalang at naintindihan nina Mommy at Daddy.
Bumawi naman ako noong susunod na taon. Top one ako ng aking klase, pero section 2 lang ako noon, kasi lumipat ako sa TMCNHS. Isang medal lang nakasabit sa leeg ko, hindi ganoon ka-satisfying pero, pwede na. Ang mahalaga, mayroon.
Noong grade 9 a.k.a ang pagbabalik ko sa Dasma Main, humagulgol ako sa deliberation. Ang ending ko kasi, Top 11. Hindi ako sapat. Hindi ako kasama sa sampung pinakamagagaling sa batch namin. Ang tanging rason kung bakit ako umakyat sa stage noong taon na yun ay ang award na Researcher of the Year. Napabulong nalang ako na babawi ako sa susunod na school year– and I sure did.
I gave it one hell of a fight. Nagulat ang lahat nang bigla akong bumulusok sa top 10. Hindi lang sa upper, kundi sa lower quartile ng rankings. Feeling smart ang ate mo nung mga time na yun! Maraming benefits ang pagiging top, but above all of it, you earn everybody’s respect. You are not a side-side student anymore. At one fell swoop, I was among my batch’s cream of the crop. In other words, creme de la creme. I was also a star student for being earning the RY award in two consecutive years.In fact, a very good friend of mine even branded me as ‘Rosales Varsity’ (Sir Rosales was our Research teacher). And boy, that felt good. That good friend of mine was a Math quizzer, and somehow, though he will never know this, when said those words, It felt like an official announcement that I was as good as them, just in another field. It was the validation I needed. It was as if the world was saying I was ‘magaling’. And I believed it.
Hindi ko na ikukwento ang Grade 11. Isa itong disaster sa academic at scholastic performance ko. I had line of 8′s as final grades, and I was okay with it, or that’s what I told myself. Honestly, the normalcy scared me. Compromising– that’s what I was doing. I saved myself from the heartbreak by saying everything’s okay, It’s still better than most of the grades people from my batch have had. Hypocritically, I knew my standards were different. It was much higher than what these people I am contrasting myself to have, and it’s superfluous and highly fallacious to make myself feel alright by using them as the baseline. Because they are not; my true and unsaid baseline was in another school, and he’s getting 95 for low marks. Obviously, I was plummeting behind.
The worst part of getting disappointing grades was not the lowness of the numbers itself; I was worried with the scholarship grants. What if ‘good-enough’ is not good enough for these people? The plan was to have stellar grades, and I grossly failed.
Ang hirap sagutin. Kung standards ko ang pagbabasihan, hindi ko naman makukunsidera ang sarili kong magaling sa isang bagay. Ang magaling para sa akin ay sina Joaquin,Arbabr, at Mar sa Math. Ganoon ba ako sa Math? Isang malaking ‘NO’ ang sagot dyan. I had 3/25 on a test in Basic Calculus once. Kasing galing ko ba si JM sa Chem? Hindi. I received an 88 for my last quarter. Magaling ba ako sa ganito, sa ganyan? Hindi ko na kailangang isa-isahin, kasi kagaya lang rin naman ang tugon sa mga naunang tanong: HINDI.
Interestingly enough, there is a phenomena in Psychology called the ‘Dunning-Kruger Effect’, a situation wherein a smart person underestimates himself, meanwhile a stupid one overestimates. Napapabilang ba ako dito? Ina-underestimate ko lang ba ang kakayahan ko?
Pero sa tingin ko, alam ko naman ang sagot; natatakot lang akong harapin ito. Tama na ang paligoy-ligoy, sapat na ang labindalawang talata: alam kong hindi ako magaling. I refuse to accept that I am ,even if my peers insist, because I know that I do not deserve to be called ‘magaling’ yet. It would be an insult to the people I mentioned above.
Pero alam ko rin na hindi ako mananatili sa estadong ito. Hindi ako magiging ‘bare minimum’ habang buhay. Sabi ng aking favorite filipino scientist na si Reina Reyes, greatness takes time. And here I am, taking baby steps towards it. In time, I will be great. Hintay hintay lang kayo, batch mates. Soon, I will be deemed enough for that ‘title’. Sa katunayan, hindi lang ako magiging magaling.
