Sorry if this sounds depressing yet again but....
I keep wondering why I am trying so hard on this and my other blog so much? When I had too much free time because of shit in life (and not the good kind) I dedicated my life to upload as much as possible, to quickly reach people and become something in this fandom.
Sure, there were a lot of things I drew for myself but it was mainly for you, my follower, fans and friends.
After being unable to be as productive as before and my interest slowly shifting towards new horizons I noticed once again that fandom fans will always stay fandom fans. (I read about so many excuses why they ignore other arts that it disgusts me. I am okay with people being not interested in other fandoms but if you tell me, that you love my art... how about taking a look and like something if it's well done?)
There are only a few who actually like for art and story (of every kind and topic) and not the content itself. Like... back then I proved myself that I could reach 3000 people without a tad of r18 content. After that I openly changed my blog and turned this to a nsfw blog.... why? Because the topics I work with are mature content and the audience I aim for are adults.
Now, I know a lot of these few people who like me, my art and my storytelling. They don't differ what I draw and for whatever fandom I draw. They are always with me and they are the only reason I am still sharing my stuff.
Especially it's for the people who actively support me with comments, chats and real money. These people deserve my gratitude and I am trying to produce something nice for them. It's a sort of motivation for me to draw for others... since my own drawings don't please me as much as other artists do with their works. However I noticed I must draw for myself and only myself at times.
It drains my creativity to create content for followers, especially the silent kind who is even too greedy to leave a like.
Maybe you all think now: what is the point of this talk? Why do I talk about the obvious?
I feel like I need to share this.
It pisses me off that there seem to be a lot of people who tell me they love my art but cannot even look at other things I do. I know I have to do a lot more to make you hype my original stuff and the like but is it that hard to look at the bit of art i am creating there?
Is there something so bad about the art I do for myself or other fandoms that you don't like or comment? I just would like to know why complex art maybe gets 100 likes if I reblog it here (or 50 if it stays on my sfw blog) but a shitty doodle of fandom stuff that took me 5 minutes and I really disliked uploading gets easily 200+ and more within a day? But my actual hard work art pieces have to be reblogged a lot by myself to get sth?
I know there are people who follow for fandom stuff only. It's okay, I did that too.
But if you like someone's art why is it so hard for you to show or say sth? Or reblog or whatever.
His also counts for people who read fanfictions, love a story but don't comment???
I'll tell you something: as a creator with issues (leading back to my past n shit) I know the struggle to create, upload and wait for some kind of feedback and approval a lot. This is something that gives strenght and fuels the motivaton to create more.
There is an audience but this audience kills by being silent as hell.
So I've been actively diving into MHA ffs and I admit I have a hard time commenting stories that are finished because I basically breathe in the entire story in one go. That's when I leave one huge comment on a story on the last chapter. I try to stay everything that was on my mind and it's dumb.... I should comment on almost every chapter, to tell what I liked about it.
A dumbass *kyaaa* with something else would do.
So following ongoing stories I've decided to leave as many stupid comments as possible. Even with me being a bit insecure with my expression and english, I did comment whatever I had on my mind after reading something.
The authors were almost crying out of joy that at least one fucking person had the guts to write something. Almost all of them were starving for some kind of love through comments.
I was happy that I could make them happy by returning a bit of the joy they gave me. They need that... being a writer is even harder than being an artist in my point of view. Not because writing is harder, it isn't.
Getting noticed as a writer is harder. That's why I respect every author who builds up an amazing, complex world with deep complex characters and write out a 15+ chapter story for nothing but love in return. I bow twice as much if their writing matches my taste. (Naturally they are differences in amazing writers and people who aren't that well with worse but still produce great content.)
I don't comment on everything, like my beloved friend happysushi does. I really love that woman, she is amazing. She knows she can't support everyone with money, so she does with comments and reblogs... she is the most precious bean I've met in this fandom and I wish her the best of the best in her life. She moved to a new home and I hope everything will be fucking perfect for them because this is a kind of human you will meet once or twice on your life.
What the heck is wrong with some of you people?
You take, you consume nonstop and you don't even think about giving anything in return.
That's one of the reasons I hate humans so much. Selfish bastards.
Why do I bother to upload and share what mysterious shit is going on in my head when I know there actually are only at max 50 to 100 (which could count to amazing but I know it better) from around 6,4k people following?
These few people are worth it for me. So I still try to upload and create for them and now for myself again (like I've done before, not uploading anything. My time before tumblr.)
Still... my need for some feedback is there and is so depressing to see that some crap doodle that I can't stand myself gets easily likes while some worked out artwork doesn't.
I am not out of UT. I intend on finishing what I've started but I will do it a lot slower than before. No more forced content for me. I won't work out my ass for nothing and nothing again. People still didn't learn to appreciate hard work and take ot for granted.
I watched many people grow, I had fights with some... yet in the end I've enjoyed looking at what they created and tried to tell them what I think. Artists like Supermuuh deserve even more attention than I do. They can create wonders out of nothing. Original wonderful content, yet often ignored.
This ignorance or laziness will make creators starve sooner or later.
I fucking know that I have ways to go to be an amazing artist.
... to become as great as real mangaka.
... to color images like I want to.
... to be looked up to and being told: "you know what? This artist has some cool characters and man, that story is breathtaking!"
This doesn't stop me from thinking:
You went long ways to get where you are. You've improved so much and you get better with every artwork you do. There is some talent hidden behind those messy lines, hugeass eyss, deformed faces, weird noses and that awful mix of semi-realism dot on shonen/shojo style.
I am proud of my work even if it doesn't appeal to everyone.
I won't change my style for anyone.
I will continue to get better and impress.
But will I always share what I do with the work?
Because I can't complain that I was unhappy not sharing. I drew for myself and for my friends. I drew comics about scenes we talked about... our rolesplays.... movies... and it was all fine. I didn't need more. Exchanging arts with my close ftiends has been enough.
It's just I really wanted to prove myself that I got this good to actually do commissions. It's always been my dream.
And I realized that dream.
I will aim to actually do a printed manga and I will practise as much as needed to get it done.
If this means to stop uploading stuff and work on myself again, I will do. Even if I will lack the money I gained from being active in this fandom.
I will be accepted somewhere else again.
And I hope my true fans, followers and friends will be my company on my hard, edgy way to fufil my next dream.
I will try not to disappoint you and keep you updated. The rest can go to hell. Since this proves numbers don't mean anything.
It is just real hard to ignore the numbers below images since comments are a rare thing in general.
hobby artist, gamer, nerd and a very salty, sassy and aggressive hedgehog.
Thank for your time reading this.