#malivent

[xladymalice]

Mhmm

Everyone who doesn't want to see vent, skip or unfollow pls.

-----------

Sometimes I just wonder, if people of this fandom would miss the stuff I create (without including the r18 shit).

I know I've been pretty much silent for the last months but it feels like I'm left out already, since you get forgotten so fast when you don't post actively with high quality things.

Maybe it's just me feeling frustrated at the moment.

Slowly don't know anymore what I want. I used to love the UT fandom lots but like, the flame is dying and that is due to the mass of followers that I look at but do not interact. I receive less feedback than before... (but k, I wasn't active. My bad) Still I kinda miss the days when I had around 1k follower who were all hyped and talked to me.

I really appreciate the people who approached me in here. I gotta say thanks to the fandom that I became so much better at what I do and say thanks for the awesome people I met and enjoy to talk to.

Not to mention the heavy support in hard times I've received. You made me make some dreams come true!!

However, I've had some real bad experiences in here too. I guess it's impossible to go without that, especially with the kind of personality I have. I am still hurting from some blows, that's the soft and weak person I am.

I don't feel like doing much Undertale stuff, it's a chore and seems to get zero to little notice. I only know it's worth trying and posting for the 100 people who actually deal with me and seem to be interested in what I am doing.

They wait for art and my stuff, not for high rated stuff or any explicit ships. This is relieving to know... it does pressure if you have to keep producing for one content purpose only.

I am a bit sorry about the negativity I seem to spread lately. It seems like taking a break and having to work fulltime at a very exhausting job was too much for this blog.

Which shows me that I spent a shitton of time building it up and putting effort into it which is now lost due to some reason? It is scary to see how much you lose after putting your heartbleed into it and building up something so huge. No one can tell me I didn't put thought into my images and comics. They have a deeper reason most of the time...

I know many can see exactly that, but these people became so little and rare too. It's just no fun anymore.

I am really stubborn and I need to finish some important facts about the projects I have here. I worry about the future of SFD if I happened not to finish it. I stated many times that I have troubles finishing things. RL issues included as a hindrance. Motivation as a hindrance. Feedback.

I don't want random people to ruin it or even worse state that its origin is in a noncon enviroment. Disgusting, no, I don't want that. But if I look at how much I have to explain... It's hard. I gotta think up of some solution.

Stating that, I will most likely try to complete Blue's Heat with the 3rd or 4th. There most likely wouldn't be more in that kind of scenario because the story ends there.

Also, I am very much seduced to delete all of my Sympathy content. I do not know if I do, but I can't stand it. I prefer to look at Blue's heat that seems to be liked more anyways.

*sighs*

I have too many random thoughts in my head and the main one is why I keep trying to stay positive in here and think up of something, when it seems barely worth it.

If it wouldn't be for my friends and the followers who chatted with me for a long time, I would've just dropped it all and start anew as a newbie who isn't feared or attacked for every mistake they do.

Let's say I am mad about getting lectured right after posting my last commission. It's nothing personally against the user, I know them a bit. But this shows me how toxic my enviroment became here.

I am positive I show too much of myself and give people things to aim at. But I thought it would make me more believable and easier to approach, there that I am human too.

Huh, I need to get my shit together. Gotta see what I'll do about this feeling.

Very unpleasant.

[xladymalice]

Sometimes I wonder...

Sorry if this sounds depressing yet again but....

I keep wondering why I am trying so hard on this and my other blog so much? When I had too much free time because of shit in life (and not the good kind) I dedicated my life to upload as much as possible, to quickly reach people and become something in this fandom.

Sure, there were a lot of things I drew for myself but it was mainly for you, my follower, fans and friends.

After being unable to be as productive as before and my interest slowly shifting towards new horizons I noticed once again that fandom fans will always stay fandom fans. (I read about so many excuses why they ignore other arts that it disgusts me. I am okay with people being not interested in other fandoms but if you tell me, that you love my art... how about taking a look and like something if it's well done?)

There are only a few who actually like for art and story (of every kind and topic) and not the content itself. Like... back then I proved myself that I could reach 3000 people without a tad of r18 content. After that I openly changed my blog and turned this to a nsfw blog.... why? Because the topics I work with are mature content and the audience I aim for are adults.

Now, I know a lot of these few people who like me, my art and my storytelling. They don't differ what I draw and for whatever fandom I draw. They are always with me and they are the only reason I am still sharing my stuff.

Especially it's for the people who actively support me with comments, chats and real money. These people deserve my gratitude and I am trying to produce something nice for them. It's a sort of motivation for me to draw for others... since my own drawings don't please me as much as other artists do with their works. However I noticed I must draw for myself and only myself at times.

It drains my creativity to create content for followers, especially the silent kind who is even too greedy to leave a like.

Maybe you all think now: what is the point of this talk? Why do I talk about the obvious?

I feel like I need to share this.

It pisses me off that there seem to be a lot of people who tell me they love my art but cannot even look at other things I do. I know I have to do a lot more to make you hype my original stuff and the like but is it that hard to look at the bit of art i am creating there?

Is there something so bad about the art I do for myself or other fandoms that you don't like or comment? I just would like to know why complex art maybe gets 100 likes if I reblog it here (or 50 if it stays on my sfw blog) but a shitty doodle of fandom stuff that took me 5 minutes and I really disliked uploading gets easily 200+ and more within a day? But my actual hard work art pieces have to be reblogged a lot by myself to get sth?

I know there are people who follow for fandom stuff only. It's okay, I did that too.

But if you like someone's art why is it so hard for you to show or say sth? Or reblog or whatever.

His also counts for people who read fanfictions, love a story but don't comment???

I'll tell you something: as a creator with issues (leading back to my past n shit) I know the struggle to create, upload and wait for some kind of feedback and approval a lot. This is something that gives strenght and fuels the motivaton to create more.

There is an audience but this audience kills by being silent as hell.

So I've been actively diving into MHA ffs and I admit I have a hard time commenting stories that are finished because I basically breathe in the entire story in one go. That's when I leave one huge comment on a story on the last chapter. I try to stay everything that was on my mind and it's dumb.... I should comment on almost every chapter, to tell what I liked about it.

A dumbass *kyaaa* with something else would do.

So following ongoing stories I've decided to leave as many stupid comments as possible. Even with me being a bit insecure with my expression and english, I did comment whatever I had on my mind after reading something.

Wanna know a sad fact?

The authors were almost crying out of joy that at least one fucking person had the guts to write something. Almost all of them were starving for some kind of love through comments.

I was happy that I could make them happy by returning a bit of the joy they gave me. They need that... being a writer is even harder than being an artist in my point of view. Not because writing is harder, it isn't.

Getting noticed as a writer is harder. That's why I respect every author who builds up an amazing, complex world with deep complex characters and write out a 15+ chapter story for nothing but love in return. I bow twice as much if their writing matches my taste. (Naturally they are differences in amazing writers and people who aren't that well with worse but still produce great content.)

I don't comment on everything, like my beloved friend happysushi does. I really love that woman, she is amazing. She knows she can't support everyone with money, so she does with comments and reblogs... she is the most precious bean I've met in this fandom and I wish her the best of the best in her life. She moved to a new home and I hope everything will be fucking perfect for them because this is a kind of human you will meet once or twice on your life.

To sum it up:

What the heck is wrong with some of you people?

You take, you consume nonstop and you don't even think about giving anything in return.

That's one of the reasons I hate humans so much. Selfish bastards.

Why do I bother to upload and share what mysterious shit is going on in my head when I know there actually are only at max 50 to 100 (which could count to amazing but I know it better) from around 6,4k people following?

These few people are worth it for me. So I still try to upload and create for them and now for myself again (like I've done before, not uploading anything. My time before tumblr.)

Still... my need for some feedback is there and is so depressing to see that some crap doodle that I can't stand myself gets easily likes while some worked out artwork doesn't.

I am not out of UT. I intend on finishing what I've started but I will do it a lot slower than before. No more forced content for me. I won't work out my ass for nothing and nothing again. People still didn't learn to appreciate hard work and take ot for granted.

I watched many people grow, I had fights with some... yet in the end I've enjoyed looking at what they created and tried to tell them what I think. Artists like Supermuuh deserve even more attention than I do. They can create wonders out of nothing. Original wonderful content, yet often ignored.

This ignorance or laziness will make creators starve sooner or later.

I fucking know that I have ways to go to be an amazing artist.

... to become as great as real mangaka.

... to color images like I want to.

... to be looked up to and being told: "you know what? This artist has some cool characters and man, that story is breathtaking!"

This doesn't stop me from thinking:

You went long ways to get where you are. You've improved so much and you get better with every artwork you do. There is some talent hidden behind those messy lines, hugeass eyss, deformed faces, weird noses and that awful mix of semi-realism dot on shonen/shojo style.

I am proud of my work even if it doesn't appeal to everyone.

I won't change my style for anyone.

I will continue to get better and impress.

But will I always share what I do with the work?

I wonder about that.

Because I can't complain that I was unhappy not sharing. I drew for myself and for my friends. I drew comics about scenes we talked about... our rolesplays.... movies... and it was all fine. I didn't need more. Exchanging arts with my close ftiends has been enough.

It's just I really wanted to prove myself that I got this good to actually do commissions. It's always been my dream.

And I realized that dream.

I will aim to actually do a printed manga and I will practise as much as needed to get it done.

If this means to stop uploading stuff and work on myself again, I will do. Even if I will lack the money I gained from being active in this fandom.

I will be accepted somewhere else again.

And I hope my true fans, followers and friends will be my company on my hard, edgy way to fufil my next dream.

I will try not to disappoint you and keep you updated. The rest can go to hell. Since this proves numbers don't mean anything.

It is just real hard to ignore the numbers below images since comments are a rare thing in general.

I'm Mali,

hobby artist, gamer, nerd and a very salty, sassy and aggressive hedgehog.

Thank for your time reading this.

[xladymalice]

That’s what I’m talking about.

It’s not only me who feels discouraged about posting OWN stuff. OTHER stuff. Not the fandom-related “shit” (even if its good shit) that we usually do.

I know other artists have the same troubles. That’s why I am always open to see new stuff of people whose art really attracts me. Of course you can’t like everthing you see or it’s not your taste. I am super picky with art I like too. But I wouldn’t ever minimize my likings to only fandom stuff. I easily could name more artists where I’m dying to see more of their art. Any of it.

I don’t think my ramble will reach many but maybe people will try to think about their  behaviour a bit.

Especially about “Taking but not giving anything in return”

[xladymalice]

I wonder if they will ever learn.

Now they tried to excuse themselves with “my english is bad”

Uhm, that’s one more reason not to be here? Since you aren’t “good enough to understand” what I am writing in my stories?

Sorry for the hyper vent today morning, but wtf. People will never learn.

Also, if you consider me a bitch or anything the like, feel free to unfollow or block me.

Thank you, I highly appreciate my piece and safe space here :)

[xladymalice]

Thanks for coming up and talking to me when I feel down. This little bit and this asks do help me to feel better. I just miss receiving random asks here and there. I used to get more.. even if I do not reply all the time (since I dislike spamming the dash of the people.) I still love them. I feel like it’s a chore anyways. I love drawing for others. Yet I am in the need of some feedback and acceptence then. I feel a bit pathethic for being like that but that’s just the way I am. I got taught that I gotta try hard and work hard, so I will get love and appreciation. Q3Q

Nothing is invalid you think or say. But I know it’s hard to approach someone you kind of admire? Or look up to? This is one reason I never close my Anon-option. :) Thank you for coming out to me after my little vent... and being with me for so long. Like dayum, that’s a fucking long time you’ve been following me. O,o

Heya. Yeah, I can only agree. I don’t know how many other fandoms suffered through hate and ignorance, but I learned UT is heavily toxic and many dislike OCs in here. There are counter examples too but ... I just saw a lot. Especially the hate towards AUs and creator issues. This is hardcore. I can’t blame you for being a quiet follower, even if it sounds like I blame you in particular. However... sending an ask like this is enough. Once in a while, a small happy Anon tells you what they like and there’s that. I don’t need more, tbh. If I cant expect comments, then the anon messages will do. This is the reason why I didn’t block the Anon option despite the hate-trains I had to go through. This is why I allow this option. So I’m glad you actually used it and came to tell me not to lose my spirit. I am thankful for that. I appreciate your words and will treasure them.

I am still a bit weak to need this form of love for my work. Maybe it’s just darn time I give up to try to please everyone and just do the shit I want to instead of forcing myself to work on stuff that became a burden. *sigh*

[xladymalice]

How have you been as of late?

Not that well, to be honest. That’s the reason I’ve been kind of on hiatus partly.

I have still problems with my current job search and my father (even tho he seems to be less of a burden for the moment). I don’t feel too well either, a bit of health issues connected to my eating and sleeping habits. (Insomnia sucks ballz). This leads to my depression getting worse and anxiety comes it and slaps me at times. I have so many stupid worries...

Also my mom’s health does worry me a lot. She’s like the only person on earth I could ALWAYS rely on. I don’t want her to be worse than she already is. She deserves more happiness than anybody else including me. And that’s why I am taking care of her and trying to find a good job soon, so I can move out and make sure we’re both happy and healthy.

Apart from that... I had some lack of confidence in my stuff for a bit and no motivation to work much on it. (Time was also an issue, since I do work on a minijob atm, but they gave me more hours to work)I am working a bit more active on commissions, because I can really make good use of the earned money. If I make people happy with my work, it’s just double-jackpot. (Also chrismas time. I want to make some people happy and say thank you to them for their support and love)

Since things are slowly settling down and getting a bit better, I started to work on the Blue’s Heat comic and the continuation of Dawn (preparing pages etc).

Sorry for not being all that much there. It’d be a shame to lose you guys just because I lack power and motivation to keep working straigt at stuff I usually enjoy.Creating stories will stay my passion, but I am rarely very, very active for longterm if I have issues in rl. That’s just life.

I’ve decided to publish this one in public especially for those anons who kept asking if I would make more comics of my bros. Yes, I will. Especially, if my future doesn’t look like a black abyss anymore.

Just have some patience with me. And thanks for being with me, even tho I don’t always have the content you look for.

Mali status- out

[xladymalice]

You are responsible for yourself. No one has to pay attention nor contribute to your safety from traumas and your bad experiences. It's your own duty. You can say to your closer friends that they should avoid certain things and topics but you cannot expect them to meet your expectations.

From a very strong friend whom I admire, respect and love

[xladymalice]

I have no words for this

From here.

Btw, I blocked the person. I’m tired of people who cannot inform themselves properly and start, tag policiting.

Oh yeah, for every new person who thinks I am overreacting. Here is the explicit info that I posted right when this shit started.