I was tagged a few times, recently by manontheperiphery to do the five nice things post. I feel rude when I don’t answer something so I’m going to do it but lately I’ve been working pretty hard in therapy and tonight, we’ve entered that time in the program where our heroine sees some pretty serious character flaws need acknowledging. There are certain people and situations that represent some kind of hope for me, hope for something I’ve never had. They trigger something fearful when I think I’m losing them and I sometimes I lash out and say something I regret and don't mean. It’s not a common occurrence but does the frequency matter? I’m hyper-aware of it and slightly afraid of it. In the end, it’s just a lack of integrity and a shitty way of being and I have to change it. So maybe this is timely because I’m digging deep for five tonight. Ugh. OK.
1. I’m funny. I’m smart funny, not mean funny, there’s a difference. I don’t need to be mean-funny because I’m really really funny. The good kind. You’d like it.
2. I’m intuitive, sometimes to the point I wish I weren’t. I have these “knowings”, it’s a word I’ve used since I was little. I knew when a natural disaster was going to happen, I woke up when I was little crying, knowing people had been hurt. It’s a little creepy but that kind of thing has only happened a couple times and it manifests itself much differently now as an adult.
3. I’m fearless when it comes to protecting something or someone vulnerable that needs protecting. I will get into it with you, online or off and I will give you the verbal beat down of your life if you are hurting someone who can’t fight back and I’ll feel zero remorse. I’ve squared off with some serious, dangerous, bigger than me bullies who were screaming at the gays, hurting animals or mocking the homeless. I have a rather magnificent temper that lands exactly what and where it needs to. In those situations? I’ve got enough friends.
4. I’m a risk taker. I jump - move - go. I don’t think about it, I just GO, Like China, I just said “yes” and did it. The house - yes - did it. I jump in fast both personally and professionally. Well more professionally I guess but yeah, sometimes personally too. Professionally it’s always, always been successful. Personally, pretty much disasters but I’ve got a lot of courage mixed in with tons of terror you’ll never see.
5. I love pretty deeply and I’m generous but I’m really shy about both. If I’m angry with you, it’s probably because I was terrified at how much I adored you and got scared of depending upon you too much. But once we can get past that, I’m a good friend, and I’ll own my shit over time. I have no real hold on my possessions, if you need something and I have it, it’s yours. I give pretty well and that brings me a lot of joy. When I can get past the fear of losing you and just love you, I love really well without attachment. It just takes a long time and few people ever get there. I’m working on it. It’s hard.
