It had been nigh on a full week. A full week since my relationship with Clyde had progressed in a way that I could not have foreseen, and I’ve still yet to gather my thoughts. It is ridiculous, almost pitiful in all honesty-- never before has something jumbled my thoughts so horribly as the moment he vaulted over the counter and kissed me. And yet here I am, barely able to formulate the words for a single journal entry, despite the fact that I’d been hoping writing this journal entry would help to clear my mind. The memory’s already distracting me from my work as is...
The truth is... I am frightened. I trust Clyde immensely, probably more so than what the Captain and Quartermaster expected me to. He’s confided in me so many times, and I him; we’ve a bond that I’m certain cannot be severed by simple means, if at all. I know this, and yet part of me is frightened by what this relationship has in store for my future. A dark voice in my head tells me that he is using me, that he hardly even cares for me, that the tender look he gives me every time we kiss is an act. I know better than to believe that voice, but when I think of the last person that I cared for unconditionally...
I’d much rather not think on that.
At any rate, I cannot let these thoughts plague me. We’ve a mission coming up, one that is of great import to the company, and I’ll need to be at my best to ensure we are all prepared for it. Admittedly I worry about how it will go, with two of our own injured -- one of them being our doctor -- and the traitor being nowhere to be found. There is still time before we make our assault on Drake, though, and I will use every second I can muster to ensure there are no hitches in our raid. Drake must fall, for our company’s sake.
...I tell myself I should focus, and yet all I can think of is his warmth. Gods take me, when did I become as lovesick as a prepubescent girl?
~
Blessed be the lovers, Menphina and Oschon.
Lead my heart not astray, and let our love triumph over all.❞
"I've just realized literally everyone is behind me..."
“You... ...You insufferable oaf.”
--
*CACKLES*
as it turns out, clyde ended up making his move on lhei’li over the weekend. they are now lovers. (shamelessly pings @clydewalker-ffxiv )
i’m sorry if it looks awkward, i’m still getting over a cold/flu/sinus infection/i have no fucking idea and i’ve been wanting to draw this sINCE SUNDAY!!!!!
Amidst the chaos surrounding him, the roar of flames and the screaming of fear and agony, those words rung true in his half-conscious state.
“Leave him!! If he cannot move, he is worthless to me!”
Five years after the Calamity, and those words still haunted him. He told himself time and time again to ignore them, to move past them for he’s surely not the first child to have been thrown away by their own mother, nor would he be the last.
Leave him. He’s worthless to her. How ready his own mother was able to say those words, putting her daughters and other tribeswomen above her own son. It’s always been that way, hasn’t it? She always had a stigma against male Keepers, placing them beneath her; after that day, Lhei’li was all but certain Lhei cursed the days she birthed three sons. He already accepted that he was disposable to her, and closed her off as readily as she closed him off. He’d chosen to move on, to denounce her as his mother as she had her son, but no matter what he wished, those words would always come back to haunt him at the worst times.
Like now, he silently noted through a haze of pain and heat.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he noticed the lack of familiar weight from his braid. The side of his head was in pure agony and it was a struggle to stay awake. There were injuries he didn’t recognize, though: his nose was burning in pain, as was his wrist and chest. There were cuts and bruises and burns, and he was certain his shoulder was dislocated. It took all his strength for him to open his eyes, and he did so while regarding his surroundings with confusion.
He wasn’t in the Twelveswood anymore. There were no trees surrounding him, but the ruins of a hamlet. He wasn’t surrounded by the debris of Dalamud, but of the Ishgardian merchant’s ship that exploded a ways away. The scent of burning flesh wasn’t from his fellow Keepers, but from the crewmen that were too stubborn to leave their own ship.
And amongst the chaos, stood his crew. Staring down at him. Sneering at him.
“What a sorry sight.”
Captain…?
“A damned right shame. ‘is brains and looks were all ‘e ‘ad…”
Quartermaster…?
“Can’t do much at this point, can he?”
No…
“Might as well toss him overboard for all he’s worth now.”
He started awake, sitting up in a cold sweat and gasping for air. He held a vicegrip on the blanket covering him – or, at least, as much of a grip as he could muster while in a splint. It took his brain a moment to catch up to reality, that the feeling of fire burning around him and the smell of singed flesh was only a hallucination conjured by a dazed mind. Lhei’li curled into himself, frowning. He was safe and sound and still a member of the Skytrade, sleeping in the men’s quarters if only because he’d gotten tired of the sterile scent of the infirmary.
The men’s quarters was dark and silent. The fire in the hearth was low, enveloping the room in a dim, orange glow. He could hear Clyde and Ren softly snoring in the bunks on either side of him, and he could hear the gurgle of the bath in the room beside him. It took him another moment to convince himself that he was still in the Den, that he was still part of the crew despite his indisposed state, that he’s still as needed as he was the day he’d signed the Articles. Why would they save his life otherwise? He was still needed. He was still worth something.
‘Or maybe they just pity you.’
He snarled softly, throwing the blanket off of him and kicking his feet over the edge. Taking care to not disturb his sleeping crewmen, Lhei’li slipped on his spectacles and boots and moved to the door, his steps still uneasy without additional support. He had to stop at the door to gather his bearings, a small voice in his mind telling him: ‘Go back to bed, you worthless sack of shite. It’s all in vain. No matter how hard you work, it’ll only be a matter of time before the Captain finds someone more able and throws you away– just like everyone else. Just like your own mother. Admit it: you’re wasting your time. There’s no use for you here.’
He opted to ignore it. Concussions and doctor’s orders be damned, Lhei’li had work to do. He had to take inventory, calculate the Den’s earnings, tend to the comatose woman – he made a mental note to pass that duty onto Beruht’a – organize the company leves, as well as a number of other duties he usually tended to in silence.
“Worthless.”
He’s not worthless.
“Worthless.”
Twelve be damned, he is not worthless.
“Worthless.”
He’s… Not…
—
@manticorexiv
People mentioned:
@tristanaud
@wickedcrow
@simplyspook
@clydewalker-ffxiv
@docberu
My hands, my eyes, my very soul are all unbelievably exhausted. I haven't been this tired in years... And yet I feel fulfilled in a way I thought I'd lost. I feared I'd never be this useful again! Far be it from me to hope for injury but... well, unfortunately in this business it is an inevitability. I am only thankful I was here and not... off tending a black eye at the Bobbing Cork. This company has been such a blessing.
Nyx, Tohk and Lhei'li are all stable, I've updated their medical records, and bless him... Zevet is asleep in a chair. I find every day that he does so much more than what I pay him for... I can't fathom why. He is such a strange man. Thankfully everyone else had no reason to stay the night in the infirmary aside from RC- she felt the need to stay with Tohk and I could not bring myself to object. I've made sure she has eaten and is comfortable.
As for myself-- I suppose it's my watch, but the brief nap I had doesn't feel like enough. I may have overreached my physical limits again. I fear I won't be able to monitor my patients much longer... though they are stable...
We shall see. Writing helps.
Earlier, when we were on foot with the Captain, I was in what I suppose was a treasure recovery party- I'm still not certain of the significance of these Allagan artifacts. I can only assume they tend to yield a fair amount of gil. It's always the same with these pirates- for that's what they are. "Privateers," my tail. Still, I can't help but have a measure of respect for their tenacious pursuit of happiness. It is refreshing.
Respect- to most, a Keeper of my tribe especially, respect is earned and not given. I can say easily that several of my colleagues have earned my respect without a shadow of a doubt. That Sneak... like Lhei'li, he behaves as most expect a Keeper to behave, despite being a Seeker. I am surprised, to be frank. Strong, silent, sensible- again, qualities I have often envied in my kin. He allowed me to treat him, despite his pride. I appreciate that in a patient. I'd like to get to know him better.
The Captain is something of a mystery. Just when I think he will do something foolish, just when I think he may waver, he proves me wrong. I guess that's what makes him a good captain. I can't help but suspect there is far more to him below the surface.
The other two who accompanied us- The Au ri girl and the hyur- perhaps surprised me most of all but...
I just dozed off. Should my charges wake in a few bells, I will need to be rested.
