i keep having these (day)dreams of finding gerard and the others.
they usually start with me just standing around or walking somewhere, doing something so normal and mundane before hearing someone call out "marcus?" which gets my attention every time because i don't go by that name anywhere, besides a couple small corners of the internet. but usually in those (day)dreams, hearing that name, myself and the other person just stare at eachother for a moment with a hopeful uncertainty before i respond simply with "gerard?" and either we just talk, or the other comes closer and pulls me into a hug. and at first it's strange, gerard usually wasn't affectionate in the physical sense in cannon, but in these (day)dreams, after the initial shock, i hug back. sometimes it's just him, other times it turns out gerard is with a handful of others from our cannon and we all talk and catch up. but it's such an overwhelming and relieving feeling that i find my brother again, before i'm ripped back to the reality that i'm just at my desk or in my bed staring at a wall and that it's all just a (day)dream.
and i think i've come to terms with that. the fact that i probably will never find him, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. same goes for those from other cannons i'll never find. i've found some from a different cannon, i know it's not impossible, but sometimes it feels like it is.
i don't know. maybe i'm tired, maybe i'm just in a weird mood seeing as it is late for me, maybe i just hate missing people i can't find.
-marcus keay (magnus archive)