Yesterday evening I had a terribly emotional ride home. I’m not sure how it came up, but it did. I listened to some Adele and cried. Here are the honest to goodness reasons why I am still with him even though I’m not mostly happy with our relationship.
1) To save myself the shame and embarrassment of having to tell another person about what happened with my job last year. I’m getting anxiety now just thinking about it. I’m thinking about all those episodes of snapped and law and order that I’ve watched over the years. All the stories you hear about it taking authorities years to get together the facts before they can go after someone and prosecute them. So I’m just thinking. If I left my husband and started a new relationship. What if I finally get called in to testify or give a statement or something like that? And I have a new man? What is that new man going to think of me? What about his friends? His family? My self esteem is far too weak to have to deal with that. My husband was there for me during that time. As he should have been I’m sure a lot of you are saying. I don’t think I can emotionally and mentally relive all of that again.
2) What if I never meet another man that will love me and want to lock me down? Adele has a song on her new album called All I Ask. She says “ If this is my last night with you, hold me like I’m more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use, take me by the hand. Cuz what if I never love again.” I do not currently get hit on. It happens once in a blue moon. The stars in the sky have to be aligned perfectly in order for it happen. I just don’t know if a man that I would want to find me attractive will find me attractive. I’m not sure if they will really see anything in me. Whatever I never meet another man after my husband that wants to date me, and get to know me, and lock me down? What if another man doesn’t want to have children with me? What if I’m just not enough? What if I’m not enough for any man?
3) I’m not sure if the type of relationship I want to be in is possible for me. I don’t know if it would be attainable for me. I don’t know if I’m the exception or the rule. One of my favorite movies to watch is He’s Just Not That Into You. Love that movie. In it, the main character tries to figure out if she and her friends are the exception or the rule when it comes to relationships. Like the rule is a guy will say what he needs to say to get in your pants, once a he’s had you, he may not be that sweet guy anymore. You may be reduced to a booth call. Or worse, no call. That’s the rule. The exception is that you guys have sex and it only makes him wan to continue to get to know you and talk to you and pursue a relationship with you. That’s the exception. I wonder, which am I? I want to be in a relationship where I'm loved unconditionally. Appreciated. I want my partner to tell me how they feel about me and how special I am to them. Not every day, but a couple of times a week would be nice. I want to know that my partner only has eyes for me. I want to be respected and heard when I go and speak to my partner. I want soft kisses and rough kisses and slaps on the ass. I want forehead kisses and lots of tongue anytime my partner sees fit to give it to me. I want a partner. A deep connection and understanding. I want to be protected and defended and made to feel safe. I want to be understood. And I want to be made love to and/or fucked when my partner sees fit. Is that too much to ask for? It maybe. But if it's not too much to ask for, will I ever find it? Not that I don't think this kind of guy exists...But I deserve a guy like that? I don't know. Do I deserve a guy like my husband? Probably.
4) I'm afraid of what people with think. More so my husbands friends and family. I'm not worried about my family. Like I have the best fucking family ever. The family motto is "I fuck with them as long as you fuck with them. Once you stop fucking with them, I stop fucking with them." Which I love. I'm not worried about me, I'm just worried about him. And how the divorce will take a toll on him. Like he doesn't make me happy but I still care for him and I want him to be happy. But does his happiness mean more than mine? I don't know. Which I know that's the wrong answer and it's sad. But it's just my truth.
5) I'm in debt and have hardly any money in my savings account. True story. I'm in about $50k worth of debt from my school loans and $10k worth of person debt, credit cards and shit. My credit score is 575. How pathetic is that? How pathetic am I?
Bottom line is , I don't bring much to the table. Shitty confidence. Shitty money. Shitty body. Shitty person. I don't think i deserve the kinda guy that I read about and love in my smutty books. I stay because I don't think I can do better. There. He doesn't hit me, cheat on me, has no substance abuse problems, has a career, we act well as friends, he doesn't push me off anymore when I try and kiss him. I think he's a good as I can get.
That's the sad honest truth.
