the dilemma of the 2 deadpools
[story collection] <-more stories here
🧬 X-Mansion, War Room — Night 🕯️
The tension in the air was thick. Jean Grey frowned. Cyclops had his hand practically glued to his visor trigger. Logan stood with arms crossed, sniffing suspiciously.
In front of them stood two Deadpools. Identical red-and-black suits. Identical swords. Identical swagger that screamed “this is as serious as beer pong at a truck stop.”
“This is a joke, right?” Logan growled. “One of you is a clone. Or a Skrull. Or an android. Or some messed-up future crap Cable dragged in again.”
“Or past crap, Wolvie. Or should I say: Hairy Ginsu Knife with abandonment issues?” quipped Deadpool #1, doing an exaggerated hip swivel.
“LIES!” shouted Deadpool #2. “The original already made that joke in 2012! Issue #38 of his solo run! You’re recycling, faker! Just like your one-liners in ‘X-Men Origins’!”
“Oh, hell no,” Jean muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. “We’re not doing this. Let’s make it simple. One of you is Wade Wilson. The other is… whatever. So prove it.”
She stepped closer and folded her arms.
“Tell me something only the real Deadpool would want. Something so specific, so absurdly you, no one could fake it.”
Silence fell. The X-Men watched, tense.
Deadpool #1, the one on the left, cleared his throat dramatically:
“I… I want world peace. I want to eat breakfast without my healing factor making me puke every three minutes. I want to know what it feels like to kiss someone without the mask. Without them saying, ‘Oh… sorry, I didn’t realize your face was… that.’”
The room wavered. The X-Men shared uncertain glances. Scott looked mildly touched. Jean softened. Logan made a noise like a chainsaw gagging on sentiment.
Deadpool #2 raised an eyebrow.
“World peace? Kissing without the mask? What are you, an A24 drama with a sad indie soundtrack?”
He straightened up, hands on hips, and proudly declared:
“I want one thing. To bend Spidey over and serenade him with ‘Kiss From a Rose’ by Seal. With echo. In Avengers Tower. While Tony Stark records it.”
Silence.
Jean covered her face with both hands.
Logan let out a dry, barking laugh.
“Okay,” Scott sighed. “That’s the real one.”
“Thank you!” shouted Deadpool #2, throwing his arms in the air. “I knew my Spider-kink would save me someday!”
Deadpool #1 made a run for it—Logan tackled him with a single swipe.
“Skrull,” he growled. “Knew you smelled like rotten guac.”
“Wait, wasn’t it an android?” Jean asked, still traumatized.
“Nah. Androids don’t have kinks. I think. Let’s not dig too deep.”
As Logan dragged the imposter away by the ankle, the real Wade turned to the group.
“So. What now? Pizza and mutually suppressed trauma?”
Jean groaned. Scott shook his head.
Logan, without turning around, called back:
“Only if you don’t say the words ‘Spidey’s ass’ again.”
Deadpool placed a hand over his heart.
“I solemnly swear… for at least the next five minutes.”
🧠💥 If this post made you laugh, cry, or question your loyalty to Deadpool’s sense of romance, do me a solid:
💖 Like it 🔁 Reblog it (because chaos is better when shared) 🗨️ Drop a comment or tag rant (I live for unhinged takes)
(I promise to spend it on coffee and not on trying to clone Spidey. Probably.)