So, my younger brother wanted to give FFVII a try.....
@itscalledequivalentexchange has never played the game before. He knows a little bit about it because I yell about the game and characters a lot, but he doesn’t know shit other than what he saw in Advent Children.
So this is how his first round of gameplay went. (anything i said will be in bold)
- "It's not every day you see one in a group chat like AVALANCHE. Wait fuck, I mean group."
- "This is too much work."
"Do you want ME to play?"
- -random battle- "Noooooo, fuck you, I didn't want this!"
- "I'm using my boyfriend's sword. Stabbing people in his memory."
- "I wanna hear the fucking victory music."
- -Barret joins the party- "Did he just come inside me?"
- I had to yell at him for a whole minute JUST to help him find the first item box. Then he goes "Oh, I see a shiny box!"
- -gets a phoenix down- "What's Phoenix Down? Is my Phoenix Down? Whose Phoenix is down?"
- -Barret shakes his fist- "Is he trying to flex?"
"No, he's shaking his fist at ShinRa."
"It looks like he's trying to flex."
- He hit the elevator button at least five extra times and got mixed up. Then he accidentally went back INTO the elevator when he was on the right floor.
- "Cloud you fucking-- you have great hair but--" -random battle- "FUCK!"
- "Oh I forgot Barret was here."
- -doots along to the victory fanfare-
- -gets jumpscared by a random battle transition-
- -Barret gets shot- "Oh you don't mess with bear!"
- "How is he not bleeding?"
- -sees Jessie- "Oh, I thought that was a parrot."
- "Which one is the OK button?"
"The circle button. 'O' for Okay."
"But. I don't want it to be okay."
- -criticizes the ladder mechanics for being "dangerous"-
- -sees save point- "A question mark? They must still be in the closet."
-i blink a million times-
"Oh, it's the save point!"
- -sees my save file- "Daddy?"
"THAT'S WHAT I NAMED BARRET"
- "Okay, new save file. I don't wanna save on Daddy."
- "I can shoot and stab. That's two different people."
- "I hope I don't push Sephiroth's buttons."
- -sees materia- "Is that an emerald?"
- Barret: -tells him to set the bomb-
"WHY WOULD YOU TRUST ME WITH A BOMB???? I'M CLOUD!"
- "ANYWAYS, BACK TO THE CLOUD"
- -cloud has his bad brain times-
"WHAT THE FUCK?! OW MY EARS! I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"
- "I think I’m an old guy now."
- "Go easy on me! This is my first day on the bomb squad!"
- "Is that a crab? I'm so confused."
- "What did you do to Barret?"
- "Is he legally satisfied?"
- "That looks like an infinity sign, are you making him (Barret) immortal?"
- "Stabby McStabberson, look out for the butt."
- "Bigshot? More like Big HOT"
- "Should I be focusing on what I'm doing?" -dies-
- "Game over. My first dead of the game."
- "This is a true victory."
- "New Game? Fuck that shit. Continue."
- "Daddy? No. I'm not in the mood for Daddy." -picks HIS save file-
- "Okay this is NOT my first day on the bomb squad."
- "Run, baby run. Look out for a gun."
- -sees the magic option for the first time- "I can do magic now? I'm gonna be the best wizard of oz."
- "No, don't hurt the bear! He's a big softie on the inside. But you're not supposed to know that. Oh, sorry Barret."
- "Since Barret did a good job, he gets a gold star sticker."
- "Barret is best boy. Cloud is a good boy, but it's his second day on the bomb squad."
- "I don't know how long Barret's been here, but he's been here."
- "Don't worry Cloud, maybe you'll be best boy if you beat his bestness."
"Wait, are you saying they need to fight to see who's best?"
"No, they need to earn good boy points."
- -burps- "Excuse my language."
- -limit break lights up-
"Cloud's ready to be gay!"
- "Let's break the ice between us."
"You're literally making ice."
"No, I'm breaking ice with ice."
"There wasn't ice to begin with!"
- -I save his ass by grabbing the controller and using a phoenix down on Cloud, then potions on him and Barret-
"Oh, what do potions do?"
"They. Fucking. Heal. You."
"Oh. I thought Phoenix Downs did that."
-I put my face in my hands-
"Like, I thought there were different kinds of potions. Like a stabbing potion, and other potions…"
Me, sobbing into my hands, "He's so fucking stupid…"
- "I'm going to use my hair to lightning you."
- "You interrupted my bonding moment with Barret! I was ready to ask him for a hug!"
- "Go faster! You gotta be Sonic! But you're not Sonic, so I guess I can't judge you."
- "There's no fucking time for the victory dance!"
- "This is called stress! And it's not fun!"
"Yes. That would make me less stressed."
- -enemy uses Beam Gun- "No, I don't want Bean Gum!"
- "Cloud's marrying the Buster Sword because that's the closest thing to Zack."
"Well he's not facing him, is he?"
- "I'm tired, and I'm stressed, and I did not ask to be on the Bomb Squad."
- -forgot Jessie downstairs- "Where the hell is she?!"
"You left her downstairs!"
"BECAUSE HER FOOT IS STUCK"
- He has a minute and twenty seconds left and he's going after Jessie
- "Hi stairs, I'm back. You're gonna explode, but it's not my fault."
"You're probably gonna explode too."
- I've never seen the game when you run out of time so this is exciting
- Me, laughing my ass off, "You're fucking dead, oh my god."
- "Who knew being a Cloud would be so stressful?"
- "Okay we gotta do this! We're smart this time!"
- "Oh, I see her foot being stuck now. Ohhhhh."
- "You fucking left without me, you fick! ….What's a fick?"
- "I ask for SO much, and this is what I get."
- -Cloud jumps across gap-
"You got some good jumps. I wish I was in gymnastics."
- "We got 7 minutes! We can't lose this! I'm gonna burp, and I don't wanna do that."
- "Third day on the bomb squad, or was it the fourth? Fuck, I don't remember."
- "Stab me in my nugget."
- "How much things are we gonna blow upppppppp?"
- "Oh that was a nice somersault, you got good gymnastics."
- "Do you see the fire on your butt? There is no fire on your butt."
- "Toot toot gotta get the snoop snoop."
- "Could never came-- Oh he said Cloud, not could. Could never came."
- Barret: I'm takin' it out of your pay, hotstuff!
"Yeah, Cloud and Barret are boyfriends."
