Summary: A breakup is always hard. No matter if you are the one breaking up or if you are the one who someone else is breaking up with. To make the decision to break someone's heart you loved will always break your own. The best comfort you have, either way, is love.
Warnings: Angst, Break-up letter, Watch out for the feelings, insecurities, guilty conscience.
A/N: This is for you, @brassknucklespeirs! I hope it will cheer you up a little!
Tagging: @brassknucklespeirs, @lieutenant-speirs, @softguarnere, @liebgotts-lovergirl, @hxad-ovxr-hxart
(Some of you told me that you want to be tagged in these kinds of things, so... here you go! If you want me to stop, just tell me ;) )
February 12, 1945 - Haguenau, France
Thinking, you sit in front of the blank paper on the table in front of you. For what feels like an eternity, you have been sitting there trying to put down on paper the words that have been haunting your mind since Nuenen. Probably even longer, if you're honest.
Since your company has lost so many men, you've become increasingly aware. More aware that it could hit you at any moment.
At home, your fiancé is waiting for you. He didn't have to serve in the war because he helped build warships in New York before the war. You were just in your last year of medical school when the U.S. entered the war.
That was also why they quickly brought you to one of the military camps to help train Combat Medics. Most recently, you were at Camp Toccoa with the paratroopers, where Colonel Sink took notice of you. Seeing the best company to date already in front of him, he immediately wanted to recruit you for Easy.
Your fiancé, of course, at first was far from enthusiastic about the idea of you going to war, but eventually, he took your wish into account. As he always has.
If he didn't read your wishes from your lip, then all you had to do was say the word, and he did what was in his power to make you happy.
And now you're sitting here. In front of the blank paper, somehow trying to come up with a phrase to break the heart of the kindest, sweetest man in the world.
Sighing, you take the pen in your hand and start writing.
My dearest love,
As I write, I already feel that I will regret this letter forever. You brought me joy like no man ever could when I needed it most. You brought out the best in me by simply being you. Your love has lifted me to the most incredible heights imaginable.
Nothing in life is predictable - not even love. What you feel for someone today may not be the same tomorrow. I am saying this as I think my feelings for you have gone through something similar. I don't feel the same for you as I did when we started dating. I don't know why this has happened, but I think I should be frank and honest with you.
I can't stay in a relationship where there is no love. I hope you're able to move on and meet someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
It would be unfair to you if I let it continue this way. You certainly deserve someone who loves you wholeheartedly. Hence, I feel I need to be honest with myself and you and let go of our relationship.
I am deeply hurt, and my heart will undoubtedly be scarred because we can't be together. I am willing to suffer this pain because I know you will be happy in your new life. But I have to let you go and end this relationship even though doing so feels like stabbing my own heart. I have to let you go so we are both free to move on with our lives.
It is a heartbreaking decision I am making. I hope we can remain friends, and I hope you agree that this is the best decision for both of us.
Thank you for coming into my life and filling it with so much love. I hope, someday, in another universe, we meet sooner and in favorable circumstances.
With all the love,
Y/N
As you write the last words, tears run down your cheeks. You quickly wipe them away before leaning back in your chair and rubbing your face. It almost tears your heart, but you can't help it. Your feelings are not the same as they once were.
With a heavy heart, you make your way to Vest to bring him the letter. Your hands holding the envelope are shaking, and your eyes are still burning.
"Corporal!" you hear someone call out before you turn around. "Sir?" you ask back, and Speirs approaches you. Your heart begins to beat faster. However, you can't tell if it's because the captain is getting closer to you or because you're nervous that he'll notice you're not doing well.
Quickly, you wipe your eyes again with your sleeve.
"Is everything all right, Y/L/N?" asks Speirs, and you nod. Maybe a little too quickly because he raises an eyebrow. "I - I just wanted to take this letter to - um Vest." Speirs eyes you. Your eyes glaze over, and your hands shake more violently again.
"For your folks?" he asks before you press your lips together. "In - in a way, yeah."
You stand there for another moment, neither of you saying anything. "Well, come on, then. I'll walk with you." Surprised, you look at him. "Sir?" Speirs says nothing but starts to leave, and you quickly follow him.
When you arrive at Vest, he smiles at you as he always does. "Y/N, good to see you. Do you have something for me?"
You just stand there, letter in hand, staring at it. "Y/N?" Vest picks up again, exchanging a questioning look with Speirs, who is also eyeing you. But you are still nervously kneading the letter in your hands. Suddenly you feel a hand on your shoulder and jerk your head up. "Y/N?" now Speirs asks, looking you in the eyes and then at the letter in your hands.
You meet his gaze as he carefully takes the letter from your hands and hands it to Vest without breaking eye contact with you. Then he grabs your upper arm. "Come," he whispers, pulling you along with him.
You ask no questions as Speirs leads you out of the house, into another, then up two flights of stairs and into an abandoned apartment. At the top, he lets go of you, and you take a quick look around the room.
"What's going on with you?" Speirs then asks, looking at you as you walk over to the window and stare out. At first, you say nothing.
"I just did something that - wasn't easy." You turn to Speirs and look at him. "I - I ended it. With my fiancé," you add. Speirs still says nothing but looks at you.
Tears well up in your eyes. "I - I couldn't go on. Not like that. That - that wouldn't be fair to him, and he's so -" your words break off, and you sob.
"Hey, hey," Speirs says softly, coming over to you and taking you in his arms. "It's okay, you hear?" He gently strokes your back. You rest your head on his shoulder. "It's not," you whisper, "He's too good, and I..." You push away from him. "I've fallen in love with someone else."
You take a few steps away from Ron. "Y/N, we can't always help our feelings. How long has it been since you've seen your fiancé? Two years?" Now you look at him again. "It doesn't matter, Ron. I promised him I would. I promised him I'd come home to him and marry him; instead, here I am, breaking his heart. Jesus!" You ruffle your hair in despair.
"You have a guilty conscience," Ron says, stepping up to you again. You feel his breath on your face. "That's understandable, but you need to know that two years is a long time, and a lot can happen, Y/N. And no matter what you do, it always hurts." You look into his blue eyes.
Then you lean in and kiss Ron. It only takes a few milliseconds for his hands to be on your neck, and he deepens the kiss. As you pull away from each other, Ron rests his forehead against yours.
"It was never my intention to put you in this situation, Y/N. I hope you know that" he whispers, and you close your eyes briefly. Then you nod slightly. "Like I said, we can't control our feelings. You had feelings for me even though you were engaged, and I had feelings for you even though it's forbidden, let alone since I'm your superior. And yet, I believe that love is a beautiful thing, Y/N. And we should embrace it. In these dark times anyway."
Ron takes your hand in his. "You don't know how much I love you, Y/N. And it hurts me to see you like this." He takes your hands in his. "You know," you say softly. "In the beginning - in the beginning, I thought it would go away. That I'd get a handle on my feelings. But I realized more and more that that probably wasn't true."
You look Ron in the eye. "You've shown me what I need and what I'm missing, Ron." Then you put a hand to his cheek. "I need you, and I love you." You lean in again and kiss Ron. "Thank you for being there for me."
"I'll always be here for you. Even if you would have chosen differently, my love. I would have accepted it, but you are too important to me not to have you in my life anymore. I love you more than anything in this world."
Tears come to your eyes again. Ron wipes them away with his thumb. "Don't cry, darling. It all gets easier with time, believe me. He'll get over it, too, Y/N, and find someone who loves him just as much. Don't worry too much, okay?"
He strokes my arms comfortingly. A smile creeps onto your face, even though you're still crying. "Thank you, Ron. That's what I needed to hear." "Sometimes you just need the right person, with the right words."
One more time, you put your lips to his. "I love you." He tenderly caresses your cheek. "And I love you."
There was a gentle, almost timid, knock on the door and it silenced all the women instantly. They were all in their nightgowns, some with curlers they had pilfered from the Austrian homes, and all of them passing around the most delectable red wine they’d ever been in the presence of. It felt like what they were used to. Giggles and blushing and whispering about the men that were in the houses around them.
masterlist is my url/writing
accepting requests for this pairing
this is dedicated to @softspeirs for showing me the first twenty times i watch BoB i didn’t pay enough attention to ron
There was a gentle, almost timid, knock on the door and it silenced all the women instantly. They were all in their nightgowns, some with curlers they had pilfered from the Austrian homes, and all of them passing around the most delectable red wine they’d ever been in the presence of. It felt like what they were used to. Giggles and blushing and whispering about the men that were in the houses around them. It was in the middle of Barbara’s story about the Sergeant in Able Company that the knock sounded.
“Maybe it’s him!” They all huddled together as Barbara stood and opened the door, the sly smirk on her face faltering once she did.
“Sir! Did someone get hurt?” They all craned their necks to try and catch a glimpse of the officer that was standing there.
“No, I was wondering if Violet was around.”
“One moment. I’ll check.” Barbara shut the door carefully and turned to face the group. “It’s Captain Spiers,” she whispered. They all turned to look at Violet, giddy smiles spreading across their faces. Her own followed suit.
“How do I look?” She stood quickly and spun as the women came closer to inspect her.
“Beautiful! But you need a robe!” It would be quite the scandal for a man to see her skin in the way the nightgown exposed it. On the other side of the door, Ron was wondering if he had come at a bad time. If he had interrupted...well whatever it was that a group of women would be during right now. Talking? Casting spells? Just as he was opening his mouth to announce he’d come back another time, the door creaked open.
“Hi.” Well, everything felt better just like that.
“Hi,” he whispered back. Just her face was showing through the crack of the door, a robe haphazardly thrown around her shoulders was slipping just enough that his mouth ran dry with the possibilities of touching her skin where he shouldn’t.
“Everyone is fleeing into their rooms, then I can let you in.” His eyes flickered above her head where the blurry shapes of bodies were flying past.
“Fleeing?”
“To give us our privacy,” she teased. Privacy. That was something neither had truly had since before Pearl Harbor. Since before enlisting. Since before basic and Normandy and Holland and all the other hell holes they had marched into.
“I don’t know what that is anymore,” he mused. Violet found it hard to stay standing anytime he looked at her. The way his eyes zeroed in like she was an oasis in the desert. She turned to see a thumbs up from the last nurse slipping into her room, the door finally opening up to Ron fully.
“Well, me having my own room is as close as we can get.” He stepped into the apartment that had been given to the women for their time in Austria. Everyone had agreed keeping them sequestered was the appropriate move. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t go if he was invited to. She led him down the hall and into a room that looked like he imagined it would. In the back of his mind on the cold nights in his foxhole when he told himself deliriousness really was sinking in if he was thinking about the future. Thinking about a future with her in it. Why would he be deserving of such a thing? Why would he be selfish enough to drag her down with him?
“What’s this?” he inquired pointing towards the rifle that was propped against her nightstand.
“If the men are getting drunk enough to run over each other, imagine what they’d do to us. To me.” There had been plenty of comments and looks thrown her way over the years that made her skin crawl. That almost made her quit and return home. No matter how tired and cold they all were, no matter how many of them she had stitched back together, she would always be lesser than them. A girl playing dress up. A girl who’d get put in her place if she tried to find a spot in this world.
“I’d kill them before they got the chance to even think about it.” There was nothing playful in his tone nor his eyes. And she knew he was right.
“I know,” she whispered as she closed the distance between them and cupped the back of his head. Ron was already reserving himself to standing outside her door every night to make sure of it. “Don’t let those thoughts ruin tonight.” Throughout the entire war, since the moment they met even before it turned into what it was, they had sought each other for comfort. The moment they locked eyes the world stopped and stilled. It grew peaceful and content and warm and safe. She didn’t want anything to ruin that. Ruin the sacred place between them that they had built.
“It gets harder everyday to compartmentalize. Gets harder everyday to pretend I’m not screaming inside. That you aren’t the only thing that can soothe my soul.” Everyone knew about them but no one spoke about it. The boys of Easy, who she had been with since the beginning, wanted nothing for her but happiness. And if that came in the form of Speirs, then so be it. If anyone deserved a smile on their face, it was Violet.
“Then talk to me about happy things. Like Boston.” He huffed out a laugh.
“Like Boston.”
“Yeah. I’ve only been once. Tell me how it looks through your eyes.” Unconsciously, they had begun swaying like they were at a dance. It was a beat only the two of them could hear. A beat they had created with their hearts.
“Well, I used to love when it snowed. Not sure if I will anymore. Me and some other boys used to play hockey on the pond. I remember, even though it was so cold, I couldn’t feel it. I was so excited to be with them and playing and…” She let his words sit between them without a response. She knew what he was going through. The danger of remembering a simpler time. The danger of letting oneself be happy and let their guard down.
“You’ll learn to love snow again, Ron. I promise.” He didn’t respond, instead leaning down to kiss her. It had always been easier for him to get his emotions across through actions. Whether it was anger through killing Germans or love by touching her softly and kissing her hungrily. She sighed into his lips and relaxed against him, letting him absorb her fully.
“Did you like Boston? The one time you went?”
“I did. We stayed right by the harbor. And ate the most delicious food. If only I had known there were such handsome men…”
“And none of them are worthy of you. Never will be.” There was complete sincerity in his tone. And she knew he was referring to himself as well. She didn’t need to ask.
“Is that where you’re going to go once this is all over? Back to Boston?”
“Where are you going to go?” She thinks he was deflecting but she didn’t push.
“I got a letter that the theater is willing to accept me back when I get home. I’ll be back in New York.” Her mother would no doubt be thrilled to hear it. That her daughter, tarnishing the society image by covering herself in blood and mud and associating with foul-mouthed men, would return home and be welcomed back as a ballerina. One people paid good money to see.
“That’s where you belong,” he said quietly. And Ron knew what he said was true. People didn’t shine the way she did just to retreat to the background. They didn’t change every life they touched just to have their names resigned. They weren’t born to live in foxholes and never know stability. She deserved the prosperous, golden life that New York could give her. That he couldn’t. Not in Boston, not anywhere. He was abrasive and temperamental and didn’t know how to be careful with anything let alone something so beautiful in it’s delicacy.
“You’re staying with the men?” She figured Ron was never going to have the courage to break her heart. She would do it for him.
“Easy, they’re a special group. I wouldn’t want someone ruining them. Getting them killed over in Japan.”
“Of course,” she nodded as if she agreed. As if she understood. As if she expected Ron to change who he was for her.
“Otherwise I’d…I’d…” He wanted to say he’d be in New York. That if he wasn’t so good at being a monster he’d be with her. He’d try to fit in. For her. Only for her.
“I know,” she whispered with tears shining in her eyes. “We have to leave a lot of things behind.” But she knew she wouldn’t. Couldn’t leave him behind.
“I didn’t come here tonight to do this, Violet, I promise.” Ron stepped back from her embrace and ran his hand roughly down his face trying to wake himself up from this nightmare.
“You don’t owe me anything, Ron. You’ve given me more than I ever hoped for.” He looked away from her. All of a sudden he couldn’t breathe. His chest was heaving and the world was spinning. She was crying and it was his fault and he was committing to a life without her. The only thing Ron Speirs had been afraid of since the aid station in Carentan.
“I love you. I love you so much and it paralyzes me sometimes. I love you and I don’t know how to be in love. I don’t know how to be someone you can rely on. I don’t know how to be a stabilizing presence in anyone’s life and I sure as hell don’t know what to do with peace.”
“So stay. Stay with Easy and jump into Tokyo. I’ll go to New York and I’ll wait for you. I’ll go wherever Ike tells you to go afterwards. I don’t know how to be in love either, Ron, but I know it’s not something you’re meant to figure out on your own. It’s not supposed to be easy if it’s worth it. You may not think so but you’re fucking worth it. You’re worth it.” In two strides he was wrapped around her again. He crushed her against him with a ferocity that could only be described as carnal. Ronald Speirs prided himself in never behaving like a fool but he felt like trying to live a life without her and her love would have been the most foolish act of all.
“I can’t live without you,” he gasped as the robe slipped off her frame completely. As more of her was exposed to him than ever before. “I can’t be a good leader, a good man, without you.”
“You have me, you have me, you have me,” she chanted as she held him against her like she would a life raft in the ocean. He kissed down her neck and across her collarbone, his hands moving to grip under her thighs. They didn’t need words, her little jump just enough for him to lift her and her legs to come around his waist. Her back landed on the bed, their lips never breaking as he settled over her.
“I want you so bad,” he whispered as he body took over, trailing kisses over her nightgown and down her stomach. “But not like this.” The first time they were intimate together was not going to be in a boarding house in Austria on the eve of the Japanese invasion. She deserved better. He would give her better. Violet whined and he chuckled.
“You’ve gotten me all worked up for nothing.”
“You’re not used to it by now?” She slapped his arm playfully.
“I’m going to miss it. You and all the others not tiptoeing around me. Not judging me when I make a crude joke.” He chuckled around the cigarette he had just put into his mouth. “I’m worried I won’t fit in back home anymore. That high society won’t have me. That my mother’s opinion of me is damaged beyond repair.”
“Fuck her.”
“Ronald!”
“I mean it. Fuck her, fuck high society. Fuck all of it. No one should make you feel ashamed for what you’ve done over here. For having the courage to do it in the first place. They should consider themselves lucky to know you.” He knows he did.
“You know, if you say all that to her it won’t make a good first impression.” She rolled over so she was on top of him now. Her smile was devious but also pure happiness. Ron and her would be together even after this place. They’d always be.
“What if you go home and have a ring on your finger?” She froze. He thinks the whole world did. “Marry me, Violet. It’s going to happen one day so why not now? Why not go our separate ways tied to each other?” If Ron was going to die in Japan, he wanted to die belonging to her. Maybe that way he’d see her again once it was all over. She just giggled.
“You mean that?”
“I don’t say things I don’t mean.”
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes!” she screamed as he snuffed out the cigarette and wiggled his fingers into her side, her laughter waking the whole house if they weren’t up eavesdropping already. “Stop! Stop that tickles!” He relented with a final kiss, her breathlessness and flushed cheeks making her look like her life had not been touched by the tragedy it had.
“Mrs. Speirs,” he whispered as he smoothed her hair back from her face.
“Sounds like it’s meant to be,” she replied just as softly and with as much conviction as she had ever said anything. Life was good. But like anything in Europe, it never was for long.
Matthew did an outstanding job with Speirs. I haven't seen him in any other films maybe that's just his vibe, but if it is not then holy shit. There's something so subtly unsettling about his Speirs at times. He's downright terrifying at moments and you can't even pinpoint why. I hope someone told Matt how amazing his portrayal was. He goes from creepy to breathtaking like it's nothing and it's not accidental. He's always beautiful when he shows his humanity.
And it had to be difficult because I think Matt could be described as cute right after handsome. He doesn't have a terrifying face by default. Or maybe he does. Idk. All I can think about is that bit in video diaries when him and Ron got in trouble at the airport and he honest to god looked like a lost puppy.
I agree! It’s a very good role, especially considering that Matt is nothing like Speirs, and his usual roles are nothing like it either. He’s on Gossip Girl, for example.
He’s done some horror, and in my opinion he should use that range he has and exercise those feverishly focused and cold eyes of his more. He has a way of being uncannily calm and stare unblinkingly, which is great.
Imo Speirs is at his scariest in D-Day and Carentan. He’s so unshaken but radiates willingness to do just about anything at any given moment.
