maxvanclenburg replied to your post: holnnes replied to your post: ok but i...
the inevitable thranduil/kili dad joke contest can u imagine
There was not a dwarf nor elf alive that does not fear when relations between their kind become so severe that Thranduil has to visit the Lonely Mountain in person.
Not that they had to fear an uproar among the Elf King and Thorin Oakenshield. No, what had happened between them was more or less water under the bridge, since the Battle of the Five Armies. Not to say that they were buddy-buddy enough to go drinking in Laketown and taking part in local gossip, or anything (it happened once, okay? And he was not at fault after he got black-out drunk after negotiations. And you can't prove they snogged in an alcove, how dare you suggest that among the leaders of elf- and dwarfkind. He could have you arrested for such treasonous statements.), but they got along quite well. No, while he started off by giving him the cold shoulder, Thorin warmed up to the elf about as much as anyone could hope for, perhaps even moreso. And thus, Thranduil was never in fear of being thrown out or locked in a dungeon when he came for a visit and would be welcomed with open arms, and for that he was thankful.
No, the real problem was the third-in-line, cross-breeding, good-for-nothing prince.
~
It started after Legolas came back from the mountain looking significantly happier and less chastised than what he was aiming for when he banished him.
('Banishing' with Legolas was more of a 'go to your room'-type gesture than anything else, if Thranduil was being honest with himself. He had plenty of places to stay with friends within a day's walking distance, both elves knew, and no one closer would be willing to turn away a prince in league with Gandalf who played a part in uniting elves, dwarves, and men in the Battle of the Five Armies, petty banishment or not. And just to be sure, he always sent correspondence to people asking where he had ended up. Never let it be said that Thranduil was an uncaring father.
But on the other hand, that doesn't mean that it usually had no effect. What were the dwarves playing at, messing with his carefully formulated punishments?)
With an inquiring look, Legolas explained. "That dwarf Tauriel is infatuated with, I do not believe him to be as bad as I had once thought."
"What do you mean?"
"He taught me some new jokes.
A creeping sense of dread came over Thranduil. That never meant anything good. "Like what?"
Legolas broke out into a smile, an honest-to-Valar smile, broke out on Legolas' face as he pointed in his father's direction.
"Pull my finger."
This dwarf had to be stopped.
~
Stopping him, though, proved to be harder than he had originally thought. He tried to ban Legolas from visiting the mountain, he simply told him of his pranks in letters. He tried to intercept the letters, he stuffed them in with Tauriel's correspondence. He started checking their correspondence personally, Kili (as his son calls him) inserts erotic dwarf fiction in every few letters to make him uncomfortable.
He simply has no shame.
And, more importantly, it isn't helping anything. In fact, Legolas' pranking habit has simply become more common, especially when visitors are present, which is more often than ever.
After a period of time and no small amount of headaches, he decides he should beat him at his own game.
~
On his next trip to the mountain, Thrandruil announces that he will accompany Legolas. This leaves everyone, bar Legolas, in no small amount of confusion. (Legolas, for his part, remains impassive, but gives off an air of rebelliousness not unlike a girl who wished to date, to borrow a term from the men, the 'bad boy.')
When they arrive at their destination, everyone fears what might blow up between the two respective kings.
Kili and Thranduil, though, both knew better.
~
It started among the feast.
Kili was looking across the table at the Elf King nervously, wondering if he should make the first move. Suddenly, amongst the polite conversation Thorin was having with him, he heard it.
"How was your journey, your highness?"
With a look towards Kili, he said, "It was very nice, indeed. We stopped in the forest to watch some dancing trees. It was lovely ENTertainment."
Thorin blinked and was about to raise his voice in annoyance as he firmly believed that this was no time for jokes, but he saw direction in which Thranduil was looking, Kili's growing smirk, and Legolas trying to slink under the table.
Thorin stopped eating for a moment to rub his face.
He was going to kill his nephew.
~
What transpired over the next few years could only be described as catastrophic. People throughout the land feared what would happen to relations among all species if Thorin and Fili died in some freak accident and Kili ascended to the roll of king.
They hoped (wished, prayed) that when Tauriel fell pregnant with the couple's first child, an end would come to this petty...fight was a strong word.
...Stupidity.
...Petty stupidity.
But it was not to be. Because as soon as Kili uttered his first "Hi hungry, I'm dad!" which Legolas, who was present for it, rolled his eyes at, and immediately sent a message to his father telling about it.
("Legolas, would you like to banish you again or not."
"...Father, I spend about a quarter of my time at the mountain or in Laketown anyway."
"Then you will send me back information on that putrid little elf whether you like it or not!"
Legolas asked Kili if he minded. Kili helped him write the letters and embellished it with things he had done while Legolas was home. It was sort of a bonding exercise.)
When he got the letter, he smirked.
This he could work with.
~
And so it began. The Tradition. Once a year, Thranduil would come with little warning, and battle with Kili. They would keep a record of all of the fatherly jokes they had told over the course of the year, and read them to the population of Laketown. At the end of the readings of the list, Man, Elf, and Dwarf would all vote.
The Readings of the Dad Jokes.
No one was safe.
