I am sorry it has taken me until tuesday to start this. I’m looking forward to seeing you on thursday. I will be referring to the tarot throughout this letter as my main teacher in nyc has been a tarot reader who I believe is one of two women who was at the head of this whole thing.
In 2006 (the strength card) I had alot happen. My mother’s cousin john messina who i considered my “guardian angel” committed suicide, the czech boy honza who renamed me died of aids, i was ganged up on by a self-described “coven of witches” at work and lost my job, my best friend left me for nyc, an abusive chef moved in as a roommate and psychologically terrorized me, and in this time i met an old astrologer named Random, who was a friend of my friend Brenda and insisted on meeting me based on my birth chart. He said i was “the second coming of Persephone”.
At the time I had no idea what that meant.
We only spent three months together. I was a bad student. I wasn’t ready. Too full of trauma. He died in 2012 before we got the chance to make peace. I was devastated when I found out.
I came to nyc on feb 28 2012 (the star card, 17, new beginnings) to talk to my ex who had left me over six months before. I was very traumatized and nyc was very hard. I had 9 sublets in my first year. On may 19th 2012 i met Jakk( the judgement card, awakening 20). We had a date that lasted 10 hours. He was in an open relationship with his girlfriend Blond. I had chosen to go on a date with him because i wanted to get better at jealousy issues and sharing ( at that time I only wanted to get back together with my ex). But in a short amount of time, jakk became my closest friend and i fell in love with him. He was truly my best friend.
On 8/26/12 we became pregnant. We wouldnt know for quite awhile. That date comes to the world in the tarot. Completion, reward, success, triumph, liberation. It would be the most tender love-making we would ever ever have.
I was pushed, hard, into terminating the pregnancy in my 12th week. We found out in my 9th, and at that point i was smoking marijuana daily just to deal with my anxiety. I had no sense of self intact. I went back and forth, asking others for guidance. No one believed in me except for my mother. I cancelled the first appt. And Jakk yelled at me in such a way that i was shaking. There was a girl who had texted me and said i was creating destruction and practically gave me the steps to make it all happen. I was cracking under the pressure. My mother was in the ER and unreachable when it came down to the final hour when it was still possible and so i let jakk take me. 10/24/12 the hanged man. Life suspended. Transformation of personality. Prophetic powers. It was the most violent experience of my life, more violent than any rape or even being hit by the car, and i always felt like part of me died on that table. The hurricane came mere days after and i went out screaming in it. You lose yourself when you give up a child and when you are already psychically open like i am. I was already open before that.
I never met blond. She yelled insults at me twice on the street but we have never had a verbal conversation.
I wanted to.
I think i started to go a little crazy after the termination. I do. I became less here. But it wasn’t until march that the baby started hanging out around me as the duedate was approaching (5/17/13 19 the sun joy and happiness), and I started to talk to her. At this point I started writing plays to deal with my experience (not very good ones). Right before the duedate was when the TR emailed me for the first time. She was a tarot reader in nyc that “somehow” i came across and she messaged me on 4/5/13 (the devil card #15 discontent, depression, illness, misuse of force, materialism, ignorance, overindulgence, negative magic). I believe the mind control had already started way back then. I had already started working with her “life partner” a jungian astrologer and follower of amma’s and in a state of desperation had reached out to the TR wanting a tarot reading to which she had not replied. “Life partner” does a project based on the astrology and different themes., and I have been working with different energy intuitives since 2002 ( I had a very dysfunctional family)so i needed something to sink myself into. At the time i did not realize that the TR and “life partner” worked together.
5/19/14 (4 the emperor stability/ oppression, depending how you look at it) our anniversary. Blond and Jakk had gotten engaged, and i was informed that he didn’t know what this meant for us. He had found the ring in his blazer pocket and she wanted a special dessert that was only for special occasions, and voila. This event had happened on a “sun” day and he told me that he thought Blond probably knew the ring was there when she brought him the blazer which hadn’t fit him in over a year.
7/16/ 14 saw jakk and he told me he knew we were frustrated because we wanted full-time relationships with each other but because he was promised to Blond we couldn’t.
I started seeing a psychoanalyst. Very established.
7/18/ 14 hit by a car right after midnight that threw me the distance of four cars. (the hierophant: captivity, servitude, fear of being the outsider and accepts conformity without question) i was shaking nonstop for hours in bellevue. My body could not stop. Later it was explained to me that random had created a vortex to pull me up up save my life. i would not walk for 12 weeks. During the day jakk brought me books and videos, including one from blond titled witches nurses and women healers with a burning bush on the cover….which seemed odd.
After the accident jakk disappeared pretty much,(partially preparing for the wedding which would take place in october) and i started to go crazy. I finally started to deal with the baby that i hadn’t had, in therapy, and i would say that i was in dangerous waters that entire fall/winter of 2014.
In january 2015 i did the project based on goddesses that “life partner” and the TR were doing together. Before this i knew nothing really about goddess, wicca or the like.
Jakk and i hadn’t spoken for 4 or 5 months but then during the goddess project we started again. I kept asking for a face to face to talk about the baby. In April 2015 the TR and I did a tarot reading in her apartment and she said we weren’t done. From the moment I did that tarot reading The TR was part of my life. I wrote her my thoughts. Starting the next day. Told her I wished i had known her when i was ten. I’d save my money and do tarot readings about jakk and blond basically every -3 months, or whenever an emergency happened. She was an instagram model and i would save images of her on my phone. I also had pictures of blond on there, partially because i had feelings of love for blond. I would always ask how blond was doing.
I have 10 recorded sessions(many phone or video) with the TR in 2016. 2016 is the year of the hermit. This is one of the most mystical cards of the tarot. I spent pretty much the entire year in seclusion. She was my closest ally and teacher. The hermit is both silent cousel in the positive and vices and foolishness in the negative.
On my bday the TR did a reading at my house that was 4 hours long, and then she took me out to dinner to lanza’s. She explained that I was so sensitive because I was a special kind of healer, a rarity in the world. At this point she told me to start working with the baby by making her candles, and that jakk’s dead mother was in the room, upset at what jakk was doing with his life (at being with blond). She told me blond had cut herself with a mirror when jakk tried to leave her. I started disassociating like crazy at some point( i believe it was at dinner) and felt very sick (the TR is absolutely obsessed with al capone) and got the sense that i never wanted to see the tr ever again. The subway ride home was the most painful ever. I couldn’t quite put it all together.
Shortly thereafter was the tarot project that “life partner” and the TR co-led. It was at this point that i truly started to go off the deep end. I thought it was because the neurologist had finally found damage from the accident and she had me on the wrong combo of meds, but i now have come to find that blond “life partner” and the TR were doing spells together every day to make me go crazy. They stopped on day 21 when i wrote life partner an email saying i realized i had misjudged her the year before.
Jakk and i had a fight on the street on 6/18/16. It was considered our breakup. The hierophant. I was destroyed. I saw him once on the street after that and then i have never seen him since which is strange since he lives around the corner.
On July 14, 2016( the hermit card) the Tr came to my house to do our last in person tarot reading before she was moving to chicago (where i originally was from and where my family still was) and brought me a painting of a tarot reader she was selling me for 300$ (most of her artwork was at least double that). She was pushing me at that point towards a trip to Italy with Life Partner that had been presented. I had just seen Life Partner for the first time in a year and she showed me pictures of where it would be and for the first time in my life I felt compelled to go to Italy (I have Sicilian roots). In this reading she said how the Magician the Hierophant and the Hermit were showing up and how all my magic would happen there.
August 14th(the emperor) ( I have records of this is when I started to get ill. On Aug. 19th (the hermit) I went into ER for 9 hours. My stomach was bloated so I looked 6 months pregnant. They thought I needed my appendix out.
The TR instructed me to do a working for communication between me and Jakk and so I brought all the materials with me on a work trip despite being ill and on aug 23rd i had a fire in my hotel room(the emperor) that could have taken over the whole room. I had had a house fire as a freshman in college in which we lost our dog. I spent the next two days sobbing in my bed, or bath, trying to figure out how i was going to explain this to the manager and also reliving my young memories.
On Sept 5th(hierophant) I found the pendulum that had been in the fire. At that point I only used a pendulum for asking about clients. That night I had a dream about the baby. The baby’s name came to me. Louise Sutton. Sept 8th (the strength card, positive: love over hate/ negative: abuse of power , lack of moral force) I went to my friend Cyrus who is a psycho analyst who said that it came to “i lose you suddenly” or “i lose a ton”. I started to use the I went to the park near my house and had my first vision. It was of Jakk and Blond divorcing, followed by Blond being outside of my house with a gun the following night. In those 36 hours I started to see so much violence, I cannot tell you. I was using the pendulum whenever I wasn’t working to find out what was going on (“hooked on the drama”) and to me, I actually thought all this was happening. For 48 hours. I thought Jakk got shot and was in the hospital, and then that he was in the police station pressing charges, and left him voicemails, and when he finally texted me back to say it was “totally imagined”, I cracked.
To be clear, this was the beginning of what I consider my psychic opening. I never openly heard spirits before then.
This was the first time I remember touching a tree for support. Because i couldn’t stand. Before this I was being told that Jakk wanted to get pregnant asap and that it was possible for Louise to come back to us. I’m telling you all these details because I am fully convinced now that they were trying to drive me crazy or to suicide with the baby or divorce storyline. The TR knew more about me Jakk and blond than anyone.
There was obviously a question as to whether to go to italy or not but my analyst pushed me to go. As did friends. I told my friend joy that i kept seeing myself drowning in ana capri. I left on the chariot day with a completely breaking body (9/16/16) which continued to break down over the next 4 days. Whatever condition i had in late august was intensifying, and I had no idea what was happening. I finally saw a doctor who put me on a super strict diet of chamomile tea and rice. Around this time i started to bond with the tart cards on my own, without the TR and it sort of took me out of that death mentality. I started to fall in love with italy and i started to hear the birds, see the sky, feel like i might survive after all. I was extremely sick but i was starting to feel like there was a morning after. I have since realized this was the moment that Gina came to me.
When I got back to nyc i felt whatever had been giving me information around me once again. Within the hour. The calm had left me and i was overcome with an edgy panic. I picked up the pendulum that i had left at home asked it’s name. It spelled out gina. I asked if she was good or bad. She said good. The next day i found out the other spirit, the one who had been giving me info before, was random, my astrologer who had died in 2012. This was around sept 27th. They started running the story that Jakk was divorcing Blond by Sept 30th. After my return from Italy i started taping my sessions with Random or Gina, bit by bit.
On oct. 5th I did a session with the TR and she explained that Gina was an italian strega who had connected to me to teach me my magic and who was invested in my relationship and the baby.
On Oct. 6th again there was talk of Blond having a gun and her coming after me and Jakk. I was told to warn Jakk who still was not talking to me or responding to me despite the fact that I had been diagnosed with a semi-serious stress-related disease.
On Oct. 7th my niece was killed in a car accident, she was inside the car that her mother was driving. Niece was my kindred spirit. She was 9, and I hadn’t seen her since 2014 because of my accident (I really had nearly died, and coming back into the world was hard, andmy family had issues with me...my brother and I had had a fight the year before when I had been raped and he basically had cut me off from the kids at that point.) My mother called me the morning of the 8th to tell me and I went into complete shock. I told Random to bring her to me, and within the hour I was communicating with her. I cannot explain to you how different her energy felt from Random or Gina’s but I can tell you it was my niece and we were overjoyed to be together. Learning to communicate with a 9 yr old who had just transitioned was so intense, i couldn’t even grieve because i was with her all the time, trying to communicate and ask her questions and let her know i was there for her.
I’ll spare you the details but let’s suffice it to say niece was with me all the time. All the time. We walked to coffee together and i was never without the pendulum in my left hand. I took my job as aunt very seriously. She started playing me songs as ways of communicating her thoughts. The first three were angel, knockin on heaven’s door, and paradise city. She told me these were connected to my brother and that he was suicidal. She liked me to sing to her and do dance routines, and eventually she got me going to the trees.
On 11/16/ 16 (the moon) the TR instructed me to do a “cut and clear “ spell right before thanksgiving and by this point i believed i could read jakk’s responses to my emails through the pendulum. Or to my text messages. Even though he would not respond. The idea is it cuts out what’s in the way so you can “see”.
On 11/23/16 (the chariot, moving forward) i finally saw that my father has sexually abused me. I asked gina about a dream i had had since i was a child. About what truth there was to it. She told me it happened. I did a session with the TR about it and she sent me to do a shamanic journey with her friend Langston.
On dec 18(the hanged man) that is when stuff really started to come into my mind. First it was the accident. All this time i’m being told Jakk is in the process of leaving blond , mind you. On the 18th i was shown that blond did a spell to cause my accident. On solstice i was told the shooting happened again ( i saw the vision of the shooting at least 4-5 times) and that blond too was in the hospital and they convinced me to talk blond into coming into the light which i did for three hours. I even went to the park and lit a candle for her since it was solstice. Shortly thereafter i did another cut and clear specific to blond, instructed by random, and i started to see that blond had done a bunch of spells on me, and that the car one was specific so that jakk would never be able to get me pregnant ever again.
The spirits told me I needed to do a banishing to make blond stop doing spells ( i didn’t even know what a banishing was) and as I was looking through a box for something I found a postcard of Nusch eluard and sonia mosse by man ray that I had bought at age 19. I asked niece if it meant anything to her, and she told me it was us. She proceeded to tell me over the next couple of days that this was one of our past lives, that she was Nusch, that Jakk was her husband, that I was her lover Sonia, and that blond was Pablo Picasso. I sent this to Jakk via text on my birthday 1/3/16.
My last reading w/ the TR was right before New years.
The spirits said on the 15th that Blond was still doing spells, so I messaged that to Jakk and then at the spirits suggestion facebook-messaged Blond’s mother asking to meet the next time she was in NYC. *Immediately* my work started getting attacked. Niece was saying Blond had called the cops on me. The phone had been ringing off the hook.
Niece had already started getting me going to the trees in December in a daily ritual integrating song and touching trees. It calmed me down. We had a special song, and eventually we had a special tree. Eventually i found out her name is sarah. One day i was told to bring a big branch home and now i carry it with me at all times. Niece then got me to CT for work to get me away from Blond’s influence.
*Up there it was introduced to me while doing the tree ritual that Niece had been my child in a past life. She said I had been the Virgin Mary and that she had been Jesus Christ (I am just telling you what I was told). I went into shock. At this point God started talking to me. Whether it was Him or not I do not know. I was told if I started working with the Bible he would protect me from Blond: I was to read the ten commandments at they are in the bible, 3 psalms a day, psalm 91, and do a cord cutting against Blond and my father. I started doing this and before you knew it, the bible started working on me. It started resonating.
Shortly thereafter “nusch”/Niece said to fix things in the past life between me jakk and niece we needed to let the sexual energies merge. I told you a little bit about this on the phone. They would have melook at innocent pictures of Niece & Jakk while I self-pleasured with the pendulum in my mouth. It was explained to me that Niece could “bring” Jakk to me somehow and this is why i am convinced that it was mind control, that someone was either pretending to be Niece or controlling Niece. They would have me put the branch under my feet while i did this. I made unbelievable creature-like sounds. It became unreal, but I never caught on. I thought it was because I was spending so much time with the trees. Meanwhile they were telling me i was becoming daphne and that i could not use the phone or the internet, and that Jakk was now schizophrenic, and that I needed to get him to a hospital. I’m going to send this one and get started on a follow up.”
---- Even as I'm writing this, just the thought of you makes me smile. You make all these things that are supposed to be complicated, things that are supposed to make me nervous, You make them feel so simple. Smiles like this appear before I even realize that I've quirked my lips, It's so genuine that it happens before I even know, and I smile. That's it. For someone like me, there's so much vulnerability that's lying underneath the surface.. That vulnerability makes fear roll like ice in my veins, a dead winter in my soul but you. oh my goodness, you, You make it so easy to smile. My heart warms with the lightest effort, the knot that had tightened in my chest has released its grip and breathing comes easier. It's supposed to be complicated, right? This was supposed to feel just as complicated as it sounded when people explained it to me, but here we are. Letting my heart feel safe within your care as though it was as natural as the wind blowing over the sea Things around us aren't perfect and they won't ever be but I'm so grateful to you, for staying beside me and for helping me breathe. ---
May 17, 2017 - Lea on Instagram | @leamichele went to celebrate her new show "The Major" and she was wearing (we think that is a strapless midi dress) but it could be also a jumpsuit, it's not clear on her videos. As you know Lea always wears items that don't have a photo of the design yet because they're not available yet and this is not the exception this is from the Spring 2017 Collection of @cushnieetochs but you can see that we put an example of one of the designs from the brand and it Spring Collection that also has the cutout detail. We hope to get better details of this look.
