I read the headline "Pope visits Africa" as "Elderly cross-dressing virgin lectures AIDS-stricken continent about dangers of condoms." Huh.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 131
Just once, I'd like to see someone change it up and be a ghost for St. Patty's Day, and retarded for Halloween.
@Remiel (Gabriel) – 60
The thing about Texas is it's so easy to forget you're in Texas because they're so bad about reminding you every damn where you go.
@lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 60
There is no ill that great sex can't cure. Except nymphomania. Then, I guess you're fucked.
@mayjah (mayjah) – 60
Wife: "This IQ test says I'm a genius!"
Me: "I don't think it counts if I helped you."
Wife: "It does! A genius knows when to delegate!"
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
Is it too early in the day to puke on your friend? I'm asking for Ireland.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46
Every St. Patrick's Day, Da would get drunk and make us search for the potato hidden in his pants. But there never was a potato, was there.
@fireland (Joshua Allen) – 46
I bet Pacman having sex with Ms Pacman would totally be all WOCCA WOCCA WOCCA WOCCA FRUIT NOISE.
@secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 45
In the Mind of White People, #9:
"Look! It's an Asian guy! Is it the Asian guy I know? It's not! I don't know this Asian guy! Asia's big!"
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44
Oh, MAN... Twitter's ALL messed up. Along with MY tweets, It's been posting tweets as me that aren't breathtakingly hilarious. For WEEKS.
@luckyshirt (Luckyshirt) – 43
I was flattered when he said he'd like to fix me up with his friend. Until he followed it up with "I mean, assuming you're into guys".
@gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 41
"Abortion doesn't make you unpregnant. It makes you the mother of a dead baby." By that logic, I'm the mother of 2 dead wisdom teeth. Twins!
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 40
This meeting is so boring I'm reading my spam.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 39
The 1st rule of White Flight Club is do not talk about White Flight Club. The 2nd rule of White Flight Club is OH NO MINORITIES TIME TO MOVE
@tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 39
Why don't we have St. Patrick's day off? Scarfing down a bowl of Lucky Charms while rushing out the door is no way to honor a great people.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37
Show me a social media expert who had friends in high school and I'll show you a lying sack of shit.
@indefensible (Indefensible) – 37
I love how people from the UK and Australia always sign their emails "cheers". Makes me think they're always drinking. Which they are.
@Moltz (Moltz) – 37
We waited over an hour for Isaiah's haircut. Stylist: Your hair's gotten so long! Isaiah: While I was waiting for a haircut, it got longer.
@emilybrianna (Emily) – 36
"Is the Question Mark a Fast Way to Know Whether a Blog Post is Bullshit? Our 20-page 'Gallery' of Guesses [after the jump]"
@hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 35
We probably don't have a holiday for Marie Curie because "Pinch me, I'm irradiated!" scans poorly.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 35