#moltz

[fuckyeahtacoma]

“The Tacoma Massive” http://web.archive.org/web/20091221044217/http://www.zeldman.com/2009/12/06/the-stars-look-down/ RIP, Dean, and thanks.

[humorzo]

iTunes seems like it’s continually making desperate pleas to be relieved from duty.

moltz

Who has always been funny, remember CARS? Where the whole point seemed to be your place on the comment list? One misses that web, before everything was bait.

[disappointednerd]

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 1, 2009

I just met some Twitter people in real life. It freaked me out until I started imagining little squares around their heads when they spoke. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 75

Luckily, my penis pump has airplane mode, so it's approved for in-flight usage. Here comes the flight attendant, I wonder what she wants. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 65

You kids and your tweetups. In my day we tweeted alone from darkened rooms on steampunk keyboards. And for some reason we wore bodices... @Moltz (Moltz) – 59

There is no 'I' in work, but there is an 'Ork.' -Lord Saruman @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Fine. I let the dogs out. Happy now? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

My wife! She say I never want ask for driving direction! And she is woman who is terrible folder of map! Come on, wife! @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 51

This airline can't possibly accommodate all of my personal baggage. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

If someone tells you I'm hungover, they're lying. I'm still drunk. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

Does this Jäger Bomb make me look frat? @Remiel (Gabriel) – 49

I'm tired of my wife not treating me like a sex object. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49

"What are your views on Genesis?" "Are we about to discuss the Bible, the band, or Star Trek?" She's a keeper, this one. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 48

The worst part about spraining my leg masturbating at home? Knowing, had I only done this at work, I'd be collecting worker's comp. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45

If we put some kind of acid into all the cans of axe body spray, we could eliminate 60% of the douche population in one swoop. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 44

CAT!! IT'S 100 DEGREES DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT SITTING ON ME YOU NEEDY LITTLE THERMONUCLEAR REACTOR @blankslate (Alex) – 42

Hell is having a hangover when your wife doesn't. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41

Eat prey, love. @biorhythmist (matt) – 40

Fifth visit this month from the Mormons. "HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T TRY AND CONVERT ME TO YOUR RELIGION AND I WON'T TRY AND FUCK YOU IN THE ASS?" @blankslate (Alex) – 40

While you're at the New York tweetup, I'm breaking into your house to pee up your bed. With your mom. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 39

Queef Latina @biorhythmist (matt) – 37

That vagina is always giving me a sideways smile, I don't trust it. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 36

[thisdayinfavrd]

June 10, 2009

Things you can do 'til the cows come home: Fart in barn. Make long-distance calls on cow phone. Hang out with chickens. Miss the cows. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 99

Day 4: Still no sign of a way out. I have fashioned a crude shelter from buckets of mayonnaise but I fear this Costco will be my tomb. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 90

A toddler in Britain has the same IQ as Stephen Hawking. Which won't help much if they ever meet me on the basketball court. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 84

Coughing after farting accidentally has to be the worst cover-up ever. That's why I'm switching to a wicked guitar solo and pyrotechnics. @Moltz (Moltz) – 75

Black is the new black. But like, *ironically*. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 75

My wife loves it when I deconstruct joke tweets to explain them to her. And by "loves" I mean isn't talking to me right now. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 72

When will science finally give me regrowable Twix candy bar fingers? IT'S 2009 ALREADY! @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

Men of Washington: it's 85 degrees. We're all wearing coats and ties. Now, let's govern this country with good old-fashioned common sense. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 68

Found my old rollerblades and took 'em for a spin! Woke up next to a parking meter. The blood is scaring me. I can't remember where I live. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 67

I taught the boy to say "Boom Shakalaka" today. You call it the Terrible 2's. I call it a beautifully blank canvas. @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 66

This is a great story. I'm totally listening. Oh, I see you're laughing, I'll laugh too. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 64

I would like to find the guy who invented public toilet roll dispensers and tear him to pieces one square at a time. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 63

I remember the days before Gwen Stefani, back when I constantly misspelled the word bananas. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 63

This coffee is so unfair trade, I can still taste the tears from the child who was forced to pick the beans. Hot, delicious tears. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 62

For people who are so certain there's an after-life, they sure are anxious to punish people in this life. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 62

Worried I was eating too much salt. Then I realized I'd be prepared for intestinal snails. Now I'm having intestinal snail nightmares. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62

I prefer to think of it not as "working from home" so much as "masturbating at work". For tax reasons, mostly. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 55

My penis is a pop-up ad that can't be minimized. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 49

OMG I think I just saw Rick Astley in a three wolves shirt. LOL numa numa you've got mail, amirite? Mammy! @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 48

And just like that, my fat jeans have become my skinny jeans. @poeks (Poeks) – 48

[thisdayinfavrd]

May 18, 2009

My car smells like farts. I am alone in my car. I did not fart. And so begins the worst slasher film ever. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 125

Came to the office clean-shaven for the first time in years. People were surprised. Mostly by the chaps, but how else would I show it off? @Moltz (Moltz) – 105

Cheney's been gone nearly 4 months now, but my "flipping off motorcades" habit is proving hard to break. Sorry about that, Mrs. Biden. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 85

Me: You know what I love about you? Husband: Lisa, you're not married and I'm imaginary. Me: Well you don't have to be so mean about it. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 81

Profoundly funny tweet #1837130768 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 77

Nobody believes me when I tell them I'm OCD. Is it my fault I'm only compelled to do things one time in a row? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

Dance Dance Revolution? More like Stomp Stomp Embarrass Your Girlfriend. haha jk that game's for nerds brb lifting really big weights @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 61

Took the family to an animal shelter this weekend. Probably shouldn't have abandoned them, but I'm sure they'll find a good home eventually. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56

Profoundly funny tweet #1838977704 (?) @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 55

With the right standards, most foods pair nicely with grape soda. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 54

Created a new frozen snack product: Flavored Icicles. Just made the first batch. Wanna lick my test Icicles? @MODAT (Modat) – 52

I just ate so many pistachios that the squirrels at my window started clapping. @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 50

I wish my wife would pick on someone her own size, who would be bigger than me. Oh god here she comes. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49

Cirque du Soleil looks like what would happen if Bjork songs came to life. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 49

Finally saw Benjamin Button. I have to say I think they missed a real opportunity in the end for some hot old lady on baby action. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 49

People have been trying to end prostitution for thousands of years. Turns out all they needed to do was get Craigslist to stop running ads. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 45

"Disturbing" is seeing the neighbor's cat eat it's own shit. "Horrifying" is hearing a 7-year-old boy use the phrase "cum slut" accurately. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 43

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to use an exercise machine, and he'll work out for a day. @Remiel (Gabriel) – 42

If you were a piece of gum on the rim of a urinal, would you tolerate being hit with urine all day, or would you eventually get pissed off? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 41

Will whoever gave birth to the 5 lb log in the 2nd floor toilet bowl please claim and/or flush your offspring? Thanks, and congratulations. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 41

[thisdayinfavrd]

May 4, 2009

"Literally EVERYTHING You Know Is WRONG: How Provocative Titles Get You To Read Nonsense By Briefly Making You Wonder If You're An Imbecile" @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 94

It's bad enough Mom told me Big Bird was gay and then filmed me crying about it and then put it on YouTube. But c'mon, only TEN views? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 83

Considering becoming one of those guys who claims not to watch TV. I'm also installing Ubuntu, reading Proust, and doing 800 push-ups a day. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 76

Can't I be happy to see you *and* have a banana in my pants? @Moltz (Moltz) – 70

Bonotrooper: "I stiiiiill... haven't foooound... the droids I was looking for." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67

When the 800 pound gorilla in the room teams up with the elephant in the corner, then we'll really have something to talk about. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 61

To celebrate Star Wars Day, I'll be unemployed, playing with figurines in my parent's basement and wondering what a real vagina feels like. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60

Next on MythBusters: Jamie and Adam find out if Zeus really can transform himself into a swan and seduce the queen of Sparta. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Why has no one come out with a steering wheel mount for my iPhone so I can read Twitter while I--HEY BUDDY LAY OFF THE HORN! I'M TYPING HERE @tj (TJ Luoma) – 57

Somewhere in Portland, a surly waiter in an ironic hat still hasn't served me the beer I ordered last week. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

In this recession, the price people are paying for pandas, grizzlies and kodiaks has plummeted. It's the worst bear market in decades. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

At the cafeteria of a Major Washington Think Tank, watching PhDs try to make sense of a salad bar. It would be amusing, except I want salad. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 53

I did a good job conserving energy and water this weekend. Also, soap and shampoo. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 52

Every consultard who announces "Comments!" are the magic bullet for news sites should publicly read them aloud for one 8-hour day each week. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

The problem with being a very polite person living near drug dealers is that I am endlessly writing No Thank You cards. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 47

Twitter ain't shit but prose and quips. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 47

The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world that he did not exist. The second was descended testicles. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47

My suits are so huge on me now I either need to gain the weight back, spend money to get them altered, or join a Talking Heads cover band. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 46

Who's got two boobs and a beer? Go on, guess. What? Thumbs? It's meant to be THUMBS? Which joyless freak thought that one up? @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 43

Talking to a shrink is usually a positive step towards mental health. Unless of course, as in my case, he's been dead for two years. @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 42

[thisdayinfavrd]

April 26, 2009

Bunch of prom-going kids at this restaurant. Looks like I won't be the only one having awkward, fumbling sex tonight. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 77

There's no hangover that sleep, ibuprofen, coffee, breakfast meats, pajamas, immobility, cats, animated superheroes, and regret can't cure. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 75

When you've seen some of the amazing things Twitter can do, you realize how hard Maureen Dowd can go fuck herself. @Moltz (Moltz) – 72

Five days in, my haircut looks like the business end of a broom who's recently realized she's a lesbian. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 64

Me: "'Everything' is one word, right?" Mom: "No, not everything, some things are two words." @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 63

Because of the flu, professional soccer games in Mexico City will be played without any fans. Just like in the USA. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62

Profoundly funny tweet #1616837505 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 60

I still prefer Maui's leis, but the black hoodie they gave me upon arrival in Portland is pretty sweet. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 59

At the supermarket and all I can think is soon... this will all be poop. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Going to brunch in the same dress I wore to dinner last night. That used to mean something scandalous. Now it means I have to do laundry. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 57

Most urinal wall writing is total crap, but this guy is actually pretty good. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 56

I'm in the middle of an important writing project. Which is why I'm building a functioning C-3PO out of vacuum cleaner parts. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Profoundly funny tweet #1621775137 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 53

There would be a lot less atheists if they offered communion donuts. "Boston-Cream Body of Christ." I'm hungry. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47

Shirtless/flabby/short shorts/butt crack running guy, I can't say I like what I saw, but I sincerely admire your zest for life. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45

A cruise ship thwarted a pirate attack yesterday by firing back. Because you don't get between old people and buffets. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 45

"Anal sex." "I'll take 'Things you never want to hear your mother say' for 500, Alex." @FanEffingTastic (Kara) – 44

Gently down the stream. That's how I row. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 43

This gimmick where the Yankees let "two lucky fans" pitch middle relief is not working out. @gruber (John Gruber) – 40

Back in Bogotá, altitude 9,000 feet. I just carried my bags up 2 flights of stairs. Now I'm panting like Rush Limbaugh in a Pilates class. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 39