Moving out of my parents' home in a few days | My Thoughts
In just a few days, I'll be moving out of my parents' home and into my own apartment! While I'm very excited for this change, as the move-out day inches closer and closer, I've been experiencing a weird mix of emotions.
First, the usual emotions: joy, happiness, relief. I look back at the years I spent at my parents' home and become even more grateful of the fact that I'm moving out on my own terms. Soon, I will become free of their prying eyes, their demanding expectations, and their strict household. (My dad had said, "You think you're going to be free of us when you move out? Ha!" I know he's trying to show he'll still have 'control' of me when I move out, but let's be real... If I'm not under their roof and am financially independent, their source of control is extremely limited, if that. My mom believes I am only moving out for one year and will move back in once I graduate with my Master's degree. Ha! I plan to never move back in with my parents, if I can help it. Good riddance!)
But also, weirdly, I've also experienced "sadness". I say "sad" in quotes because I know deep down, I'm not actually sad. I know that these are normal feelings, because it's the start of a new chapter. While I'm sad to leave behind familiarity and comfort, I am much more eager to leave behind the unforgiving and, imho, unrealistic Asian traditions/expectations held by my parents.
This is what I felt when I left to go to college: I knew it was a good move for me but I was still nervous because it wasn't familiar: it was a new path I was trekking on. Of course, I'm older and wiser than I was when I was only 18. Which gives me the confidence to know that I'll definitely be ok for this chapter!
Plus, my relationship with my parents was at its best when we were separated by distance. I'm fairly confident that me moving out will ultimately improve our relationship.
Mom: Highly narcissistic, classic asian tiger mom, never satisfied with anything. Always pushes siblings and myself more and more. Has little empathy for others. Has a loud shrieking voice. Very temperamental. Extremely money-oriented to the point that she will throw a tantrum if she sees us buying take-out. Has allowed our dog to escape the backyard multiple times. Manipulative. Does not respect privacy or medicine. Thinks “drinking water” can clear up autoimmune disorders. Verbally and physically abusive.
Dad: Extremely passive and uncommunicative. Slightly sexist attitudes, expecting females to cook, clean, and take care of him, but has improved a lot. Is not handy with repairs or fixes and usually ends up doing a half-assed job of it and makes the home lose value (i.e. our bathroom cabinets have ugly nails seen from the exterior, our shower faucets have broken pressure after he tried to fix the leaky aspect, our sink always floods every week because he won’t admit we need a plumber, etc). Also can be verbally and physically abusive but not nearly to extent of mom. Insecure about money. Very simple-minded.
Older sister: Successful but a mini version of “Mom”. Can be very temperamental, moody, and hot and cold. Currently married and expecting their firstborn this month. Was usually the main recipient of my parent’s abuse growing up and ironically (or for that reason?), tries to forget the harmful past of our parents and family dynamic and selectively remembers the “good” parts only. Trying too hard to “revitalize” our asian traditions without any reciprocity from the family, who is disinterested and tbh should not be kept together for long periods because we’re toxic to each other. Seemingly has little connections/friends and seems lonely, a bit co-dependent on other people’s interactions.
Younger sister: Lazy, unambitious, needs her hand held for everything. Extremely co-dependent. The more artistic, creative sibling of the three of us. Likely has mild depression. Needs to mature more, too sheltered. After my older sister left, my younger sister became the main recipient of my parents’ abuse. Both sisters are fiery and hot-tempered, and clash with parents.
Me: Suffers from anxiety, and as a result often detaches myself from most situations and most people. Commitment-phobic because of parents’ relationship, but once attached to someone, likes the safety and security. Would rather be single than be in the wrong relationship (EXHIBIT A: MY PARENTS’ RELATIONSHIP). Yet ironically would stupidly go back to my exes than starting fresh. Have become more private about my life, which has helped my anxiety a LOT (also see “detached”). Too prideful of accomplishments, like school names and internships, like a dumb work rat in this cog of a machine. Can be petty and hold grudges, which is not great.
So I’ve finally come to terms (well, sorta) that my mom is narcissistic and acts very entitled. I also recognize that there’s a culture clash between her strict Asian culture & the American culture. Being first-generation American is a weird tug of war between the parents’ cultures & the American culture.
The reddit thread r/raisedbynarcissists definitely helped me realize that my mom is a narcissist & I could relate to a LOT of posts there. But I also close out of that page after around 10 minutes because surrounding myself in negativity like that can get exhausting.
I am very grateful and appreciative for all the things my mom has done that have shaped me into where I am today in life, but with that being said, I can’t ignore the bad parts either.
She is very temperamental. Anything can tick her off. And you best believe, if SHE’S in a bad mood, the WHOLE HOUSE is affected.
She acts very fake & is very image-oriented. Seeing my mom switch from yelling at us to sweetly chatting her friend on the phone the next minute is... scary.
She acts entitled. Chalk this up to culture clash maybe, but I absolutely despise how she sees her children as her “retirement plan”
She is never satisfied. It’s just exhausting to be around someone who is never satisfied. Some recognition of all the work I put in would be nice; don’t act like it’s so easy.
She is incredibly money-oriented. I have to hide receipts and take-out boxes the rare times I do spend money or she will throw a *temper tantrum*. And not to toot my horn, but I’m good with money (debt-free, read handful of financial books, got a 401K & IRA, minimal expenses, etc)
She is very childish and lacks maturity. Something about her is just off. She often uses my little sister as the scapegoat, and it’s like “um, mom - you have problems with me, my little sis, my older sis, and my dad. what’s the common denominator here? it’s you”
She constantly insults and puts me down. She constantly says I’m fat, stupid, and ugly. None of which are true - I’m closer to underweight than overweight; I graduated from UC Berkeley & attending UCLA; and honestly, this is a bit full of myself, but I find that I’m good-looking. I have no issues getting attention from guys (though it’s usually my anxiety that stops me). Her constant belittling actually ruined my self-esteemed growing up.
She is too proud to ever apologize. Good luck trying to hear the words “I’m sorry” from her because she will never say them. If she’s wrong, she expects you to move on. If YOU’RE wrong, she’ll constantly remind you of it and belittle you.
I hope this post doesn’t come off as petty. But fuck, does it feel good to write it all down in one list.
Anyone else have a parent that ticks off these too?
It’s not healthy to fight so often. And it’s even worse to bring your children into the fight.
K, thanks. Bye.
But in all seriousness, if two people are continually fighting about the SAME topic, something has got to change. Obviously something’s not working.
I hate when my parents fight because:
It’s not just a fight between them. Oh, no no. The entire house will feel the effects. My mom will act passive aggressive and slam doors. My dad will sulk and roll his eyes at my mom. They are both in bad moods that affect everyone. Everyone is walking on eggshells!
Even worse is when they TRY TO BRING US INTO THEIR FIGHT. Hey man, this is not my fight and I don’t have the energy to be involved in this. I hate when my dad goes, “Ugh do you see what your mom is doing? Why does she think all of this money is hers to spend?” I used to sit politely and squirm, but now that I’m older, I tell my dad, “Look. I’m not involved in this argument. Please do not involve me. I don’t know why she does what she does -- ask her yourself --, and I don’t have time or energy or the mental bandwidth to be involved.”
I sometimes feel bad for saying that -- after all, I think my dad is just trying to vent (especially since it’s COVID right now so he can’t exactly go out with his friends). But um hello, I’m the CHILD. This is not healthy. Do not put me in between this.
I think I’ve gotten better with putting boundaries and prioritizing my mental health. I am not a listening ear to everyone. I am not responsible for taking care of everyone’s issues. Dealing with my OWN issues is already enough as it is.
Sigh. If anything, I guess my parents are perfect examples of what I should NOT do when I have my own kids.
You tell me I’m constantly fat. You say I’m ugly. You say I’m stupid. What kind of mother figure is that?
Guess what?
I’m not fat. I’m the normal BMI and I exercise every day. Which is more than what you can say for yourself. And you’re shorter and you weigh way more than me. Maybe think about yourself before you criticize others.
I’m not ugly. You say I’m ugly but you’re uglier for spewing ugly words. You’re ugly for trying to take down women, females, YOUR OWN DAUGHTER. You think I’m “ugly” because I choose not to date right now and instead am focused on my career and professional growth.
I’m not stupid. You say I’m stupid because your own small mind can’t comprehend big ideas or growth. You say I’m stupid because I won’t bend to your ways of thinking -- your sexist and ancient ways of thinking. You say I’m stupid because you think that by attacking my intellect and intelligence, you become smarter. You say I’m stupid because you secretly feel inferior you barely have a high school education.
You belittle me because you’re projecting your own insecurities. What a fucking unhealthy, toxic person.
My “Glow-Up”/Adulting Tips Post-Graduation + Things That Help With Reducing My Anxiety
This might be a vain post but I wanted to share things I’ve done to “glow up” and make me feel better/confident/help reduce my anxiety post-graduation. List is geared towards females.
Looks/Outer Appearance:
Get a new wardrobe of good quality, well-fitted clothes (no more Forever 21! Get good quality clothes that will last a long time.)
Start working out consistently. Even if it’s just trying to hit 10,000 steps a day, every little thing counts! Seriously, a desk job = no movement and you’ll gain weight (like I did) if you don’t work out. You don’t move nearly as much as you do when you’re in college and walking to classes!
Get LASIK if you are no longer want to wear glasses/contacts. I did this in Dec 2019 and have no regrets over this. Make sure you find a good center to get your eyes done - a place that you feel comfortable with!
Get laser hair removal if you want a hairless/less hairy body. Alright, I’m asian and everyone thinks asians are hairless, but lemme tell you - I’m definitely not “hairless.” I’m only a few sessions in (for various parts of my body, including underarms, upper lip, bikini, etc) but I’m very happy with results. I’d recommend anyone to do their research and see if this would be a good fit for them!
Get your hair done! I’ve always had dark brown/black hair but since getting my hair balayaged, I’m in love with the new look! I feel like it “refreshes” my entire look and it makes me feel really confident. Maintaining the look isn’t too bad - I pretty much just wash my hair twice a week (with special color-safe shampoo/conditioner) & don’t use heat on my hair (which I have never done, anyway). Plus, cool(er) showers.
Drink water!!! You know it’s important. It’s definitely helped my acne and overall health.
Mind/Things that have reduced my anxiety:
No more oversharing or telling too many people everything. One thing that always caused my anxiety was my oversharing, or the fact I’d tell too many people things and then feeling I had to “update” them with things. No more. I only tell things, really, to two of my closest friends and to other friends/coworkers/acquaintances, I keep generally pretty mum. Not to say I won’t share things about my life, but more that I won’t share things from topics that I know tend to stress me out. Such as love life (anything from a first date to relationship stories!) or family issues or etc.
Not overthinking. Alright, easier said than done right? But now I *attempt* to be more go with the flow versus overthinking every single thing. I try not to stress out over things, and in a way, I’ve sort of becoming apathetic? Hahah, I don’t know.
Trying to have something planned each week. Even if it’s something as mundane as a doctor’s appointment to something like lunch with a friend on the weekend, I try to have one item (at least) scheduled each week. That way, I have something to “look forward to” each week and my life doesn’t feel like it is only work, work, work!
Being in control of my finances. I have this giant spreadsheet where I keep track of my finances & I review it monthly, at least. It helps me feel in control of my life and my finances and it feels good to see my goals being accomplished!
No more dating apps (for now). I’ve spoken before about dating apps so I won’t get into it much here, but basically, I had this “AHA!” moment where I realized dating apps weren’t helping my anxiety. It was making it worse! So I deleted all my apps. Sometimes, I admit, I do wonder if I should go back on and maybe I’d meet my “Prince Charming” but for now, it’s a good decision to stay off. Plus, I got into graduate schools so I can meet someone in person!
Working on myself. Such as getting my hair done, laser hair removal, LASIK, etc. It may seem vain but these have improved my confidence and so, naturally has helped my anxiety.
I want to say that when you graduate and enter the workforce, the first YEAR can be harsh as you transition. It definitely was for me (and dating apps/relationships did not make it any easier). Just take your time to explore and discover yourself (CHEESY, I KNOW).
Some of my takeaways that have helped me deal with this:
No one cares. Seriously.
People only care about high-level details only. Name of the college you attended? Sure, fine. Will they care about the organizations you were in, and your GPA? Unless they’re trying to hire you or give you an award, chances are: no, they will not care.
Most people don’t have the bandwidth to remember all the details... ~and~ they don’t care. Don’t overthink it, and just move on.
If all people will remember/care about is what college you graduated from, just let that be and own it. Don’t keep bringing up what you did in college, or how you’re shocked at how you were able to be admitted, or how college was super hard for you, etc. I used to get anxious when people would congratulate me and be in awe that I went to UC Berkeley, because my GPA there was average and I didn’t win any Nobel prizes or anything during my undergraduate time. Now, I just say thank you and move on. No need to be a Debbie Downer, or to overthink it. Just move on. Don’t let things affect you more than they should.
Own it. It’s not imposter syndrome if you earned that right.
If you got in on your own accord, hello?? You earned it! Admissions saw something they liked and you were admitted. I’m still learning to just say “Thank you for the compliment”, instead of trying to say something negative about myself, like “Oh I don’t know how I got in, honestly...” or “College wasn’t what I thought of it...”
There is always someone better than you.
Not to crash your ego, but there will always be someone better at something than you. The opposite of Imposter Syndrome would be... being cocky and overconfident in yourself, which is always such a turn-off and a bad trait. So don’t let your ego get too enormous. It’s ok to be proud of where you graduated from, where you are attending, and the work you’ve achieved. But it’s not ok to put others down, or to have self-inflated ego when colleges are just a small part of who you are.
I’ve learned over the years that the more I spend time thinking/ obsessing /analyzing over an issue, the more inflated it becomes & the more it controls me. By giving these minor things less of my time, I’m taking back control.
I Hate Mother’s Day | growing up with a tiger mom/ narcissist mom #asian-immigrant-family
Soooo I know it’s Father’s Day today - happy father’s day! I’ve celebrated with my family and told my dad.
But this made me kinda think about the holidays my family celebrates and honestly... how awkward they are.
My parents were immigrants who came from Asia to the United States (they are full US citizens now BTW). They have lived a hardened, tough life - even when they were already in the United States. They worked very hard to get to where they are now, and I don’t want to dismiss that at all.
Growing up, my parents were very strict and we had limited financial means. It’s weird to talk about it now because over the years, they have certainly lessened their tiger grip on parenting but growing up, it was very, very tight. I couldn’t go hang out with my friends unless it was related to some extracurricular club activity (Red Cross club, volunteering, etc) and for a purely social hangout, I really had to beg and plead my parents. Even if something didn’t require any money, I’d have to really beg for permission. Looking back on it now, I feel like my parents felt like by controlling us, it showed they cared (something they still do to this day).
Academics were pushed on us heavily. Sports, relationships, free-time activities weren’t. Every second of my life before college was very geared towards academics and succeeding. I established a great work ethic and study schedule, so that was nice. I am thankful and grateful to my parents for working hard, that I always had a solid roof over my head, and that I always had food in my tummy.
You might be able to sense that I have some animosity with my mom through some of my previous posts. It’s true. Even though my parents had limited means and had a strict parenting style when I was growing up, my dad had a very kind and caring personality for the most part. He felt more human. My mom, on the other hand, has a different personality: never satisfied, always complaining, always comparing, easily upset, very temperamental. (As I’m typing this post, she’s screaming right now.) It is something I still can’t justify as being ok and it’s truly toxic behavior. Her personality has been constant from a young age to present times. Maybe she was stressed at how much she was working and so her temperamental behavior was a result of that; but I still don’t believe you should project this onto a small child. Maybe she has some underlying medical condition or personality changes she needs to enforce; but she should be responsible for her health - how can a small child do this?
I have anxiety and it’s managed well now (after some trials & errors with myself, admittedly) and if I try to pinpoint the root of my anxiety, I have to say it was my upbringing. If my mom came home from work in a bad mood, she would make it so EVERYONE would be in a bad mood. She would have yelling matches because our bathroom was not “clean enough” or be upset if I didn’t score high enough on an exam. She is never one to apologize, and always one to complain. She is manipulative and abusive. She is demeaning. She calls me fat, ugly, and stupid constantly. Her personality and my personality are just NOT compatible.
Hopefully that gives some background of my mom and how she raised us (and what she’s like today). Our family is very emotionally stoic (as most asian american immigrant families can be), particularly my parents. When it comes to holidays like Mother’s Days, it can be a little awkward. Yes, American culture dictates we have to celebrate this but internally, I feel awkward and forced: my mom was not a great mom. I understand she was raised in a different culture and had a tough upbringing but that surely can’t be an excuse to her toxic 20+ years of behavior, right?
My dad, on the other hand, has some similarities with my mom (I mean, they both could improve tbh) but on the whole, is much more understanding and at least he doesn’t have mood swings like my mom. He is much more stable and compassionate. (Truly, their marriage isn’t all happy sunshine and smiles; it is more of a roommate situation almost. They don’t celebrate anniversaries or anything, and they’ve talked about divorce seriously a handful of times, including this year -- buuuuuuuut that’s an entirely different post.)
With today being Father’s Day, I feel much more inclined to celebrate Father’s Day versus Mother’s Day (which of course my mom will not like). I think it’s this truly endless cycle: I respect people who respect me. My mom has not done that great of a job raising us and does not respect us so my behavior to her is similar; then she gets upset at this behavior and throws a mood swing.
I think one of us has to be the bigger person somehow and let the whole 20+ years behind us. But I think to me, that is hard to swallow. I’m more inclined to be at tolerable terms with my mom. I don’t know if I can truly let go of 20+ years and pretend it doesn’t exist and move on and be chummy buds with my mom. Being in this mother-daughter relationship is honestly EXHAUSTING and TAXING on me - even at this level where I just try to live on tolerable terms with her. I know my older sister has somewhat let go of the past (largely influenced by her recent marriage & expecting a child early next year) and has a much warmer relationship with my mom, but admits that even then, my mom is a difficult person.
To truly have a better relationship with my mom, I think I either have to let go of 20 years of history and/or live a much more distanced life from my mom, and not let her in too much. I currently do the latter, and since I have, my anxiety is much better.
Anyway, this is just a long rant that I had to get off my chest. These holidays celebrating parents (particularly mothers) are difficult for me and just weird, sometimes.
