keeping up with kron

A mix of college hacks, life guidance tips, & personal stories (anxiety, mental health, strict Asian parents, love/dating, etc). Follow along as I blog about my life!

[myberkeleyadventure]

Life Update: Hi, I'm back! | Love, School, Work, and Home

I stumbled upon my tumblr and took a nostalgic step down memory lane as I reread some of my posts. It's been three years since my last post and things have been great. I've since graduated from graduate school, have been working full-time for nearly 3 years, and have been full-on "adulting". While I may not be a regular blogger anymore, I thought I might as well provide another "Love, School, Work, and Home" update while I'm here. :)

LOVE: I've hit the 1 year mark with my boyfriend. He's silly, the absolute cutest, makes me feel safe and secure, and everything I've wanted and then some. It's kinda crazy to think of how much I was settling before or how some of my exes and I were (both! mutually!) so unsuited for each other.

SCHOOL: No longer applicable anymore :)

WORK: I'm nearing my three year mark at this current company and honestly, I have no real complaints! I love the company, the people I work with, and the projects I get to work on. The commute is killer but I only go in a couple times a week.

HOME: Not really applicable either, since I live on my own (no more roommates!!!!). So I can say in the most absolute terms: I love my home life.

I think I'll end this post with this: Not everything is "forever." As I grow older, I realize that a lot of things have "seasons". Some friendships are meant to last for a specific period or phase of life (or "seasons"), while others are more long-lasting and don't need as much maintenance. There's a time and a place for most things and as I get older, I realize how perfect the timing of it all was. Even if I couldn't see it at the moment, I can realize how it's affected me positively in hindsight. Of course, it's easier said than done to appreciate all the timings and to say this now as nothing horrible in my life is going on, lol. But I guess I'm always trying to stay optimistic and to trust the process. I also know that, like everything else that's happened, I got through it and I will continue to get through it all.

[myberkeleyadventure]

Relationship Be Gone!

I'm out of a relationship. Poof! When I'm ready (if I'm ready), I'll share more details here. But the tldr is I'm at peace with breakup, it's for the best, and we are still on good terms.

You know when sometimes all you want to do is VENT? For the past few days, I've vented to a lot of my trustworthy and loyal friends. With each friend I vented to, I got to a new little insight or gem of how they viewed the situation and it was all insightful. But at this point, I'm exhausted and it feels good not to share it anymore because I don't think I need that talk therapy anymore.

When you are single from a breakup, that's when you realize who your TRUE network is. I've connected with friends that I haven't spoken to in months (one of them, years) and it was like nothing changed since the last time we spoke.

Birthday, breakup, and badass accomplishments (new job, relocation, acceptance into school, etc): the three unifiers that make it easy to reach out to people.

[myberkeleyadventure]

Grad School Life Update: GRADUATED!

I officially graduated last Friday and I'm so thrilled to be done. It felt like a great way to finally close that chapter of my life. Sometimes during graduate school, you go through different stages: being super passionate in the field, realizing how disillusioned you were, trying to do the bare minimum to graduate, etc. All of this came to an end on Friday, when I walked the stage and got the degree.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel proud of myself for receiving the degree. I'm proud that I secured a job and that I'm in a position where I can afford to travel or have free time before my job starts.

With that being said, let's do another quick update:

LOVE: Relationship is still going steady. We've had our ups and downs and moments where I've wondered about the status of our relationship. But overall, I think the relationship is becoming more "real" and we're leaving the honeymoon phase, which is not a bad thing at all.

SCHOOL: Officially done!!!!

WORK: I got my start date postponed to August which gives me more time to destress and figure out my travel plans. :)

HOME: My roommate has moved out as of a few weeks ago and has sublet her room. This subletter and I get along GREAT. He's literally just like me. We're both clean, respectful, and courteous. I'm very grateful that I get to end my "roommate" journey on a positive note. I'm signing my lease for my new apartment and will NOT be having any roommates.

All in all, I'm very happy with how my graduate school journey has turned out. I may write a more fleshed out post later, once my feelings settle. But upwards and onwards!

[myberkeleyadventure]

Grad School Life Update: 1.9 years in. | Love, School, Work, and Home

Okay I graduate next month so I'm calling this my 1.9 years in update, haha.

LOVE: Relationship is steady! Though I am still a little worried about life after graduation when we will be in different locations but ultimately through therapy, I've come to a place where I can genuinely say I'm taking it day by day and not overthinking.

SCHOOL: One *MONTH* left! Is that crazy?! These past few weeks have been crazy hectic with assignment deadlines and capstone requirements. I recently took my graduation photos and it made graduation feel so real. Overall, I'm very excited to graduate and leave this chapter for a new one!

WORK: I have had my full-time job offer secured since the Fall and I'm very grateful that I haven't had to stress about job hunting on top of finals, etc. I'm trying to enjoy my last couple of months of "freedom" before I have to work full-time until I'm 65. I'm also TAing this quarter (as I have most quarters while in grad school) and I am getting a little burnt out with everything. But the end is near!

HOME: Similar update to before. My roommate has not really changed: she's still messier and not as courteous as I'd like (or that I am to her) but the lease is almost up at this point. Living with her and just overall looking back at my experiences living with others has reaffirmed that I want to live solo. I also think it's important to live by yourself (if you're able to) and see how that experience goes.

All in all, I'm enjoying my last month as a graduate student. Life is good! 😎

[myberkeleyadventure]

Five Things I Learned from Therapy

I recently started therapy and although I've only had a few sessions so far, I wanted to recap some lessons I've learned.

Your feelings are always valid. Sometimes in my therapy sessions, I preface by saying "I don't know if I should feel this way, but ..." and my therapist will always reply that my feelings are my feelings, and that my feelings are always valid. She recommended I take a brief moment to try to understand why I'm feeling this way, but not to linger too much on negative thoughts and feelings.

Thoughts aren't facts. This is connected to the first point. Just because I feel a certain way about something, or I'm thinking about something through a certain perspective, it doesn't mean that it's a fact.

Things are not always connected, nor are they always about you. For example, my roommate has been closing her doors (even bathroom) all the way when she leaves the house. It might sound weird, but it wasn't something she used to do. So I thought maybe she was being passive-aggressive towards me. Then I realized that it's to literally hide her room because inside was a complete mess: trash everywhere, clothes on the floor, etc. It's very easy to attempt a logical rational behind why people behave certain ways or why something has happened to you, but sometimes it's literally not about you.

Learn to let the little things go. Be chill. This is something I've realized internally before, but I can have a tendency to overthink things or to be fixated on certain things. But it honestly does no good to be like this. I'm better about this now but need to still work on learning to let the little things go. Like my therapist said, I need to pick my battles and if I'm fixating on every little single thing that's bothering me, I'm not using my resources wisely.

You don't need a reason to go to therapy. I know many people go because they're experiencing a lot of stress or anxiety. Or after a major event. But for me personally, I find it soothing to talk to a non-biased source about what's been going on during my week. It's nice to see her perspective but also to feel like I'm prioritizing my mental health. I know people may have friends and family members to talk about issues but there's something about talking to a third-party who truly doesn't judge and who won't gossip that I really enjoy!

[myberkeleyadventure]

Life Advice: Trying to Live One Day at a Time

Something I've realized is that I tend to get really worried about the future. It isn't good for my mental health and it's not so good to be focused on something you can't change as much as you can the present.

I've been working on just focusing on one day at a time and not worrying incessantly about the future. This includes things like:

My boyfriend and I will be long distance after graduation. What's going to happen to our relationship? I'm still trying to decide for myself but I'm not putting pressure on it. The way I see it: even if we break up due to the distance, I would rather be with him until we aren't together, instead of trying to find another relationship or be single. And I think our relationship will solidify in the next few months as well. But I know we also have to have the discussion.

My roommate has anxiety and isn't the best roommate. But because I know she has bigger things she's worrying about (her mental health), I try to let some of her behavior slide. That's not to say I'm not annoyed by it still, though-- I definitely am.

Life after graduation: I've been browsing apartments and I do have a little bit of anxiety trying to find a cheap enough apartment so that I have more spending money.

But for now, instead of thinking about the future and worrying myself too much, I will just enjoy the present!

[myberkeleyadventure]

2022: Speaking Up & No More People Pleasing | Apartment Living Rant

One of the things I've come to learn is that I can be quite non-communicative when living with housemates. There will be an issue and instead of me communicating with the person, I'll kinda stew on it and rant to my friends because I don't want to be dramatic and make a big deal out of nothing. After all, it can be awkward living with someone who you're at odds with and you're locked in a lease for a year! But I'm learning that my feelings are valid and as long as I have good intentions and appropriately air out my grievances, it should be ok.

With 2022 starting, I especially didn't want to continue living with my roommate in this non-communicative, stewing-silently mode. Shortly after I came back from winter break, I asked for two things:

Food in the fridge/freezer is no longer communal. My roommate ate my tofu and used up all of my wine, and I was just fed up. I felt disrespected: I didn't even have any of the wine! And this is the second time she's used all of my tofu! Obviously, she agreed to the rule because it's not like she can't. She did use my ketchup without asking but I'm okay with spices, sauces, and condiments being communal. Anything more, I will speak up against.

We take turns taking out the trash now. Previously, I felt like I was always the one taking out the trash. Even if she made a meal and the trash was 80% hers and was overflowing, she wouldn't automatically take out the trash. I HATED looking at an overflowing trash can and having flies swarm around it, so I would take it out myself. I think I enabled her. Now at least things are more balanced. I printed out a trash schedule calendar so it's totally clear who has what week.

These rules were enacted recently so I hope they stick. Remember when I told her my meat, eggs, and produce weren't communal and she still ate my tofu and broccoli? Remember when we agreed that no dirty dishes to be laying around and to wash dishes the same day you use them? Sigh.

I really think living with housemates/roommates can be such a toss-up.

I don't want to end this post on a negative note so I'll try to say something positive. My roommate recently got a new boyfriend and so far (fingers crossed), he has not slept over at the apartment or overstayed his visit. He comes for dinner about once a week or other small stays. This is something I really appreciate because I absolutely despise it when boyfriends become an informal "third roommate". I feel uncomfortable going outside my room when there are guests in the house.

Can't wait to live on my own after graduation!

[myberkeleyadventure]

Budgeting as a College Student: Comparing My Undergrad vs Graduate Spending Habits + Tips

My budgeting as an undergraduate and as a graduate student is very different.

As an undergraduate, I didn't really know much about budgeting, finance, credit cards, or anything. Quite honestly, I was just... broke. My parents did not give me a monthly allowance (they couldn't afford to!) and I had a part-time work-study job that gave me some income, but I always limited myself on buying things. Truthfully, I didn't really need to buy things: I had a meal plan for half my undergraduate time, and living in the college dorms meant that the university would fix my light bulbs and have vacuums for us, etc. During my junior and senior years (when I lived off-campus), that's when I started to spend a bit more money: on groceries, eating out, and random things like batteries. Overall though, I look back and I'm grateful for how strict I was with my spending. I think I'd only spend $100-$300 a month maximum on my credit card.

As a graduate student, this is much different. Although, COVID is a big factor here as well: my first year of graduate school was 100% virtual so I stayed with my parents and did not need to pay rent. And at the height of the pandemic (AKA all of 2020), everyone, including myself, stayed inside and as a result, I hardly spent any $. I saved a SHIT TON of money during my first year of graduate school. My second year of graduate school is in-person but because of my scholarships/funding, I'm very humbled to admit that budgeting isn't a super necessary thing for me.

But still, I compare my spending habits from undergrad to graduate, and I'm shocked at the differences. I know I'm older now, and there's COVID, and etc. But I spend a LOT more as a graduate student. I think it may be because I used to work full-time for a couple years so I got used to a standard of living.

This post doesn't really have much substance except to conclude with:

Make sure you keep track of your spending habits! At the bare minimum, I'd recommend using the Mint Mobile app for finances. I've used it since undergrad and it's nice to have all of my accounts linked and for me to easily see where I stand.

Consider investing. I have another post here that talks more about financial tips. There are three rules to investing: start early, make regular contributions (literally could be $20 a month... better than nothing!), and don't touch the money.

Spend wisely. Who cares about clothes, material possessions, etc when you can spend it on EXPERIENCES? That's my recommendation. And if you DO buy clothes/etc, buy QUALITY items and shop during sales. Shop smartly.

That's all for now!

[myberkeleyadventure]

Grad School Life Update: 1.5 years in. | Love, School, Work, and Home

Alright, my fall quarter is officially done! I just have two quarters left to go before I graduate this upcoming June. Here are my thoughts of where I stand:

LOVE: Relationship is still going strong! No complaints at all.

SCHOOL: One quarter done, two quarters left! These upcoming two quarters will be more intense, especially since I'll be working on my capstone but I'm excited. I'm thrilled and grateful to be living in Los Angeles, to have a great friend group, and to be able to have time to balance both work, school, and friends.

WORK: I quit my internship that had a long commute (45 minutes to one hour ONE WAY). I felt like I gained enough from it and it wasn't worth the commute. I stayed on technically for 8 months total (virtual office), although it was just 3 months of commuting. I'm grateful to have secured a full-time job after graduation so I don't feel like I need to continually bolster my resume.

HOME: Not much to update here! My roommate is still the same ol' roommate: messier, disorganized, and ditzy. But my mentality is more now "well, I'm halfway done with the lease at this point!"

[myberkeleyadventure]

Rant: Roommate

I've been trying very hard not to write down a list of things I dislike about my roommate because then it will make it seem very... concrete and final. But I have to let it out.

She often has her meetings and phone calls on speakerphone. When this is in the common spaces of the apartment, I find it to be quite rude. I generally don't mind when she has her calls on speakerphone/loud music in her room because that's her personal space. Even when she has her music at maximum volume in her room, I try not to say anything. Instead, I just close my door all the way and use my noise-cancelling headphones and I think she gets the message.

She's not good about washing her dishes and cleaning up after herself. Early on, we established two rules: wash dishes the same day you use them & do not have dirty dishes laying around the house. She followed this rule initially but started breaking it a few weeks ago.

She eats my food, even when I told her not to. When we first moved into the apartment, we said food was communal. After a while of her eating my food and me not eating hers (I don't like her food and I buy what I like to personally eat), I told her I didn't want my meat, produce, and eggs to be communal anymore (I was too scared to give a blanket statement but I should have) and if she needed to use something, please ask. She agreed. But lo and behold, she continued to use my food. Now, when I grocery shop, I meal prep the same day. I guess it's been helpful in making me be intentional about my meals.

She's ditzy and disorganized. I typically wouldn't care if someone's personality was ditzy... until it starts affecting me. She's locked herself out on the balcony, forgotten her apartment keys, came late to our dinners and/or cancelled last minute, forgotten about the no-communal-food policy, etc.

The thing is, it's difficult to "hate" her because I know she has good intentions and I genuinely do think she is just very ... ditzy. However, ditzy or not, the result is the same: I don't feel respected or comfortable in my living space. I try not to let her occupy too much of my mental energy though so hopefully this is the last post I have about her on my blog.

What I've learned during this process is that:

Communication is important. This should be the first step in trying to resolve things.

... However, when you communicate to your housemate your requests, and she ignores it/is too ditzy to remember.... the only thing you can do now is to change your own behavior. I now use noise-cancelling headphones to reduce the noise I hear from her, encourage the use of dishwasher so that we don't have dirty dishes for days, meal prep the same day I buy groceries so she can't use up my groceries, and generally try to let things go and not hold a grudge...

Sigh.

[myberkeleyadventure]

Grad School Life Update: 1.25 years in. | Love, School, Work, and Home

Alright, so it's halfway through my Fall quarter of my second/last year of this Master's program. I am graduating next June. Thought I'd do a little update of how life has been going!

LOVE: I have a boyfriend! Remember all of my mopey, pessimistic posts from years ago? Haha! So far, this relationship is awesome! Very fresh but very much loving it. For those of you who are (jokingly) complaining about being perpetually single, my three quick tips for you are:

1. Get out more. Go to more social events, classes, etc. The more you go to more events, the more likely you'll meet cool people. (Doesn't even have to be a partner, but you can meet friends!)

2. When you're at the events... socialize! Mingle! Grab their social media accounts! There's no point in going to events if you're not going to socialize and/or grab the cool people's social media accounts.

3. Keep your personality attractive. This is a big one, but what I mean is: stay humble, keep up your good work ethic, don't take things too seriously (don't be petty and keep grudges), and be confident. Haven't you ever come across a SUPER attractive person and realize their personality was absolute shit? Yeah, exactly. Work on yourself before you jump into a relationship. This is 💯% true.

SCHOOL: Classes are going well! Just trying to hammer out all of my Master's program requirements. I'm basically trying to do the bare minimum because I want all of my free time to be spent exploring the city and enjoying life before I have to work until I'm 65.... 👀

WORK: Got a full-time job offer! This is the same company I interned at but surprisingly, I actually had to go through two additional rounds of interviews because I wanted to work at a different office that I was interning at. I'm relieved I got this offer (which I accepted) because this means I don't have to worry about this anymore.

HOME: Apartment living is overall going well! Truthfully, my housemate eats my groceries more than I'd like, she's clingier than I'd want, and she's messier than I'd prefer... but compared to my last roommate situation, this is a waaaay better living situation. I also know I have the tendency to overthink and OVERBLOW situations so I'm trying to keep my cool here. If I'm being 100% honest, I think the main reason I find her "annoying" (this is much too strong of a word) is because I'm trying to have very separate boundaries with her because of my last housemate experience. BUT my housemate seems to want to be 100% besties with me, which I'm not down for. So there's a bit of weirdness where she always wants to hang out and talk about her day and asks me about mine, and I'm more like "Welp, I just want to relax at home. I have other friends I can talk to about this stuff." She is definitely more extroverted than me.

OVERALL: Life is going awesome for me and I'm so grateful.

[myberkeleyadventure]

Apartment Living: My Experience | Tips to Make Dorm Life/Co-Habitating Successful

I recently moved to a new apartment and my housemate is my classmate/friend. As someone who had a very, very bad roommate experience in college (mainly because that roommate constantly brought her boyfriend over), I was very apprehensive this time around. So far though, it's generally been going pretty well. Here are my tips to successfully cohabitate with others:

Communicate often and clearly. It's important to set a mutually-agreed standard of how you and your housemate(s) want to live. As someone who doesn't like confrontation, this has been the hardest for me. My housemate would always leave half-eaten dishes in the common spaces and wouldn't wash her dishes until days later. After noticing this was a problem, I gently asked if we could propose some rules for common spaces: wash our dishes the same day we use them, and make sure there weren't any unoccupied dishes in the common spaces. I structured it as a conversation, instead of me demanding it to happen, and brought up the larger picture: we didn't want bugs in our house and this was an easy way to prevent that. I then asked if she thought these rules were fair and if she had anything to add. She apologized for her behavior, said it was fair, and everything generally has been smooth on this front now!

Bring up any concerns gently. I think tone is a big factor in how something might go over. If I go yelling at my roommate that she made a mess, she's instantly on the defensive, right? Approaching it in a kind and open manner will elicit a (hopefully) similar response back. Back when we were apartment hunting, I shared with her my concern of having boyfriends over the apartment too much. I told her my previous roommate would bring her boyfriend over constantly-- his 6am alarm would wake me up daily, he snored, he acted like he lived in the apartment, etc.-- and that I was very apprehensive about the topics of boyfriends being in the apartment. I think that conversation let her know very early on that she needs to be mindful of how often her boyfriend is over. Except for this weekend (his birthday weekend), he's been over very minimally (not only for my sake but because she is a law student who needs to study!).

Try not to make a big deal out of one thing. This is another thing I have to work on. My housemate's boyfriend has been over since Thursday night, worked from our apartment Friday (even when my housemate was out of the house, at her law courses) and looks like he's leaving Saturday morning. He was also here very briefly on Sunday evening to say hi, since he was in the area. Honestly, I got a little bit annoyed because I don't think boyfriends should be over this much (2 visits a week is my hard max) and boyfriends shouldn't be alone in the apartment (my housemate should always be present). BUT I want to be considerate and give more leeway just this time because it was his birthday weekend. If he comes over this often when it's not a milestone event, then I will talk with my housemate.

Realize that rules will apply to you too. I'm currently single and am not seeing anyone right now. I'm trying to be cognizant of the fact that when I do get a boyfriend, how would I feel about these rules? I can't demand new rules, get a boyfriend, and go back on my word. A lot of the times, housemates might not all be in the same exact shoes so take careful consideration when making universal rules.

That's all I have for now! Happy moving into dorms!

[myberkeleyadventure]

Life Advice: You gotta be a little “fake” in life.

My sister often tells me I am “fake” when I’m on phone calls or in class or work, and this has always rubbed me the wrong way. After thinking about it for awhile, I think it’s because it’s obviously implies that I am not being my authentic self and only portraying a certain side in order to “get what I want” (her words). 

But I think you gotta be a little “fake” in life to get to where you need to be. 

And first, a disclaimer: I don’t think this is being “fake” at all. I think a person can have multiple sides of them. 

For example, when you’re out with your close friends, you may feel at ease and unfiltered. You can gossip, catch up, talk about your favorite TV shows/dating stories/family annoyances, etc. When you’re at work, you have a more polished side of you that shows: you talk courteously, you’re respectful to your coworkers and patient, you only talk about related and professional topics. Obviously, you are not going to act completely the same in all environments: with friends, with work colleagues, in class, etc.

When I talk with my professors, I have a more polished side. I’m not that close to them yet so it’s almost like a casual interview vibe with them, when I go in for office hours. These professors are going to write me letter of recommendations in the future, so obviously they don’t need to know me on a PERSONAL level the way my best friends do. Sure, they can know about my hobbies and things like that. But I’m not going to rant to them about how my sister used up all of my facial moisturizer, and it was expensive, and I was really upset. 

Obviously, there’s a line. Don’t be COMPLETELY different from your “work” side and your “personal” side, and have contrasting personalities. I think your personality would show through in both cases (if you’re bubbly and social, that should be portrayed either way), but you’re just restricting yourself on what you’ll share. 

I don’t know, maybe I’m not writing about this topic eloquently enough but tldr; be cognizant of what “you” you’re presenting in what environment!

[myberkeleyadventure]

What I Would Tell My Younger, College Self

Being a few years out of undergraduate, and currently in graduate school, has made me reflect back at what I used to think were the hardest years of my life. Now, because I'm older and hopefully wiser, I laugh but if I could go back in time, this is what I would tell my younger 18-22 year old self.

Grades don't matter... to an extent. Sure, if you have great grades, you have wider options: scholarships, employment, funding, grad school, etc. But truthfully, most scholarships and internship offers are based on a 3.0 GPA. Some of the stricter ones have a 3.5 GPA requirement. Unless you're set on going to graduate school (in which case, definitely try to get a high GPA), you will likely be fine with a 3.0 GPA (this is the case especially if your major is STEM; if your major is non-STEM, maybe shoot for a 3.5 GPA). When I graduated undergrad and got my first "real" full-time job, they never even asked me what my GPA was or required a transcript. I say this to hopefully relieve some pressure off you. A few "Bs" (or "C"s tbh) won't kill you.

Make memories. Hang out with your friends. Go outside and go hiking. Go camping. Go on retreats. Get involved in extracurriculars. You don't want to always be in your dorm, watching Netflix, when you're not in class. Sure, sometimes you need to wind down but you don't want your entire undergraduate experience to be summed up with "netflix." I promise you: you will not remember the shows you binged your sophomore year of college, but you WILL remember that awesome overnight camping trip you took at Yosemite.

Network. I used to cringe when people would network in undergrad because I thought they were being so "extra" and so "fake." And now I'm understanding that the mantra "fake it til you make it" is really accurate... It doesn't matter how you personally feel about networking, but the reality is that most people get their jobs through networking (and those who network tend to have a "leg up"). If you want to be successful, I'd argue that networking is a key strategy you should implement, to some extent. The more professional experiences you have earlier on, the easier it is to get better opportunities later on: your success builds upon itself. And you don't have to be super fake about it either; the people who are the best networkers tend to be the most genuine.

Have a small group of close, quality friends and work on strengthening those friendships. It's better to have 3 quality best friends, instead of 10 friends that you're not really all that close to. Quality over quantity, for sure. Although you should focus on quality, I still think it's good to be socially connected with your classmates and acquaintances/friends through Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, etc: after all, this is just good networking + who knows who may become your next close friend when you move to a new state! In college, it's easy to hang out with friends but after college, it's much more difficult to keep these friendships up.

Lastly, treat your body well. This means both mentally (most college campuses offer free, or reduced cost, therapy sessions! take advantage of this! once you're in the "real world", these sessions are $$$) and physically (eat the right type of food! exercise!).

Ultimately, college is what you make of it. It's a period where you can explore your passions and find who you are. But also at the same time, it's also meant to help advance your (future) career. You can definitely find the right balance between your professional and personal goals.

[myberkeleyadventure]

Moving out of my parents' home in a few days | My Thoughts

In just a few days, I'll be moving out of my parents' home and into my own apartment! While I'm very excited for this change, as the move-out day inches closer and closer, I've been experiencing a weird mix of emotions.

First, the usual emotions: joy, happiness, relief. I look back at the years I spent at my parents' home and become even more grateful of the fact that I'm moving out on my own terms. Soon, I will become free of their prying eyes, their demanding expectations, and their strict household. (My dad had said, "You think you're going to be free of us when you move out? Ha!" I know he's trying to show he'll still have 'control' of me when I move out, but let's be real... If I'm not under their roof and am financially independent, their source of control is extremely limited, if that. My mom believes I am only moving out for one year and will move back in once I graduate with my Master's degree. Ha! I plan to never move back in with my parents, if I can help it. Good riddance!)

But also, weirdly, I've also experienced "sadness". I say "sad" in quotes because I know deep down, I'm not actually sad. I know that these are normal feelings, because it's the start of a new chapter. While I'm sad to leave behind familiarity and comfort, I am much more eager to leave behind the unforgiving and, imho, unrealistic Asian traditions/expectations held by my parents.

This is what I felt when I left to go to college: I knew it was a good move for me but I was still nervous because it wasn't familiar: it was a new path I was trekking on. Of course, I'm older and wiser than I was when I was only 18. Which gives me the confidence to know that I'll definitely be ok for this chapter!

Plus, my relationship with my parents was at its best when we were separated by distance. I'm fairly confident that me moving out will ultimately improve our relationship.

[myberkeleyadventure]

I can breathe.

I'm excited to share that I've officially signed an apartment lease and plan to move out of my parents' home next month! Graduate school is going to be in-person for the next academic year (and my last year!) and I'm so so so excited for this move. Although great for my wallet, living with strict, Asian, narcissistic parents was not the best for my mental health. It's been 3 years of me living with them after graduating from undergrad, and I am 1000% ready for this.

No more of my parents demanding where I'm going.

No more of my parents criticizing my spending habits when I get packages delivered.

No more of my parents judging when or how often I hang out with my friends.

No more of my parents trying to control my life.

No more of my parents trying to pry into my life.

No more of my parents restricting my freedom or giving me no privacy.

...

I can finally breathe. This truly is the start of a new chapter for me, and I'm so excited. :')

[myberkeleyadventure]

Three Tips for Living with Strict, Asian Narcissistic Parents

1. Lower your expectations.

The reality is, my family is broken. Both of my parents have their Asian ideals and standards hard-wired into them, and I have more Western ideals. My mom is narcissistic and is prone to mood swings. My dad is unambitious and an enabler. My parents used to be physically abusive and verbally abusive (they've "grown" out of it as we aged; I think it's harder to hit a 20-something year old versus a 10 year old, but hey). Unfortunately, it's unrealistic to expect them to just "grow" out of the rest of their personality/being. I've lowered my expectations of what my parents should be, because otherwise they'll never reach them and so I don't constantly get disappointed.

2. Emotionally distance yourself and stone wall

What I've done this past few years (honestly, without thinking) is just keep things to myself, and not engage my parents in anything. Keep conversations light, short, and surface-level. The less they know about your life, the better! You better believe they'd use information as a weapon against you later!

3. Become financially independent

If they're funding your lifestyle, I'm sorry -- because it's hard to detangle yourself out of that. Parents like mine like to hold over the fact that they have money and can control you. Once you become financially independent, you take away a HUUUUGGEEEE source of their "power."