Pregnant
Pregnant
It originally started as an accident. Hiccup, wanting to avoid any more accidents in regards to dragon training, decided to have all current and prospective dragon trainers fill in a form that listed all their disabilities, issues and petty grievances. Of course, since he drafted and helped his dad and Gobber finalise the document, he knew what all the boxes were going to say.
His only excuse was that his ‘pampered princess’ of a dragon, as Snotlout called Toothless, didn’t like to be kept from his morning flight. So, Hiccup, in his distraction, hadn’t filled his form in with the right attention to detail. It didn’t help that Gobber came in with the other riders after Hiccup had left and picked up the ‘completed’ form.
“Has anyone seen Hiccup today?” Asked Gobber, frowning at the form his was holding.
“No, why?” Answered Fishlegs, looking up from his own half-complete form.
“Because he ticked a box he shouldn't have.” Answered Gobber, making Astrid pause as she washed Stormfly.
“What did he put?” Asked Snotlout, looking for a reason to throw his form away.
“It's probably something stupid.” Dismissed Astrid, going back to Stormfly as her dragon started grumbling, “You’re getting as bad as Toothless.”
“He's ticked the box saying that he's pregnant.” Said Gobber, making Astrid freeze, and Snotlout and the twins burst into laughter.
“Hiccup's having a baby?” Laughed Tuffnut, “How?”
“Astrid's been spending a lot of time with him.” Suggested Ruffnut, waggling her eyebrows at Astrid.
“Shut up.” Snapped Astrid, giving Ruffnut a glare.
“Astrid, why weren't you using protection?” Demanded Snotlout in mock outrage.
“Protection from what?”
The twins and Snotlout’s laughter died down, for the total of five seconds, as they looked at Hiccup and burst into harder laughter.
Hiccup blinked, before looking at Fishlegs, who was trying not to laugh, Astrid, who was glaring at Ruffnut, and Gobber, who was holding a form.
“Is… everything okay?” Asked Hiccup, as Gobber looked at the form and at Hiccup.
“How long have ye been expecting?” Asked Gobber, getting fresh laughter from Snotlout and the twins.
“Expecting what?” Asked Hiccup, “Guys?”
Sighing, Astrid left Stormfly, the Nadder complaining as she walked away, and took the form from Gobber and showed it to Hiccup, “Apparently, you’re pregnant.”
Frowning, Hiccup took the form and looked at it, quickly locating the pregnant tick box, right next to the ‘amputee’ tick box, “O-oh! Right, sorry.” Hiccup licked a finger and quickly rubbed out the mark and quickly ticked the correct box, “Toothless was creating, so I just…rushed it.”
“So, you’re not pregnant?” Asked Snotlout, getting a sigh from Hiccup.
“No, Snotlout.” Answered Hiccup, as Astrid went back over to Stormfly to finish her bath.
That should’ve been the end of the discussion, and most of them thought it was, except the whole situation had tickled the combined half-braincell that the Thorston Twins shared.
P
The next time it was brought up, they were on the brink of war with the Lava Louts, a tribe of Vikings to the south of Berk. The Hairy Hooligans had been discussing their options, when Ruffnut and Tuffnut proposed a plan, which they said wasn’t going to take long.
“-Step number 879--” Continued Tuffnut, as the Tribe tried not to fall asleep.
“The most important step.” Interrupted Ruffnut, getting a sigh from Stoick and a groan from Hiccup.
“-Astrid gets Hiccup pregnant.” Finished Tuffnut, getting a stunned silence from the rest of the tribe.
“I’m sorry?” Asked Stoick, frowning at the twins, “What was that last one?”
“Astrid gets Hiccup pregnant.” Said Tuffnut, looking up at the chief.
“You mean Hiccup gets Astrid pregnant, right?” Asked Alvid, frowning at them.
“No, Astrid gets Hiccup pregnant and he gives birth.” Answered Tuffnut, as Astrid opened her mouth.
“No,” Hiccup stopped her from talking, “no, let them think it through, I want to see how long it takes them.”
Astrid didn’t look very happy about it, but did as Hiccup said, before everyone watched the twins leave the mead hall.
“They… they were serious.” Said Phlegma, incredulously, “Those mad sheep thieves were actually serious.”
“They’ll lose interest and find something new to poke fun at soon enough.” Dismissed Stoick, “Hiccup, I want you, Astrid, Snotlout and Fishlegs to go to the other tribes, see if they are either willing to aid us or, at least, stay neutral.”
Hiccup nodded, “Okay, Astrid, go to Berserker Island, Mala and Dagur should be willing to hear us out. Fishlegs, I want you to go to the Bog Islands, Camicazi’s not going to want to listen to anything I, or Astrid, say.”
The pair nodded, before leaving.
“Snotlout, we’re going to hit multiple tribes, I want you to go to the Meathead, Uglithugs, and the Glums, you have the best relationship with them.” Ordered Hiccup, “I’ll go to the Outcasts, Murderous and Hysterics.”
“What about the other tribes?” Asked Hoark, getting Hiccup’s attention, “We have other riders that can go to them.”
“They’ll be needed here,” Said Stoick, “we’ll need them close if the Lava Louts decide to attack us while Hiccup and his riders are gone.”
Hoark didn’t look happy, but he nodded, prompting Hiccup to grab Snotlout’s shoulder and leave the hall.
P
The meetings with the other tribes hadn’t gone well, the Berserkers, Outcasts, Bog Burglars and Meatheads stood with Berk, while the rest stood with the Lava Louts, with three other tribes remaining neutral.
Hiccup thought the fact that they were at war would make the twins take things seriously, but he soon found himself mistaken, since Ruffnut proposed a plan to get the war to end quickly, which was somewhat plausible, until Ruffnut finished.
“-and, to cap it all off, Astrid gets Hiccup pregnant.” Said Ruffnut, making the gathered Tribes go silent.
“I'm sorry?” Asked Heather, who was standing in for Dagur, who was trying to get the Hysterics to switch sides.
“Astrid gets Hiccup pregnant,” Clarified Tuffnut, as if Heather was stupid, “Astrid puts a baby in Hiccup, what's so difficult to understand?”
“I...” Heather tried to find the words, “don't think that's gonna happen.”
“Oh, Heather,” Scoffed Ruffnut, “you're so innocent.”
“No, I mean—” Heather tried to explain, only for Hiccup to cut her off.
“Ignore them, Heather,” Sighed Hiccup, “we're pretty sure they’re stupid and don't know how reproduction works.”
“It’s a wonder that they survived this long.” Agreed Thuggory, leaning against a table, “Odin knows we would’ve thrown them into the sea.”
Heather gave a hesitant nod, deciding to drop the subject. Of course, that didn’t stop Hiccup from stumbling across Tuffnut and Dagur a couple of hours later.
“-and once Hiccup has had Astrid's baby—” Said Tuffnut, completely oblivious to Hiccup standing in the doorway.
“I'm sorry, once Hiccup has had Astrid's what?” Interrupted Dagur, looking up from his knife.
“Astrid's baby,” Answered Tuffnut, “well, he's not pregnant yet, but he will be.”
“O...kay?” Said Dagur, before spotting Hiccup, “Brother! You are a ‘brother’, right?”
“Yes, I’m a guy, Dagur.” Sighed Hiccup, deciding to walk further into the room, “Gothi, Dad, Gobber and my Aunt can attest to that. How’d it go with you?”
“Uncle Nutjob agreed to switch sides,” Said Dagur, “apparently you, Snotlout and Astrid burning that pirate fleet shocked some sense into him.”
“I’m just glad I didn’t have to fight him or Baldur.” Confessed Hiccup, his eyes going to a bandage on his right arm, “Like I did Viktor.”
“Viktor was an ass, I’m pretty sure Vicious is glad he’s dead.” Said Dagur, waving a hand, “Besides, there’re hundreds more left.”
Hiccup sighed and gave Dagur a nod.
P
“Do you think we should pretend I am pregnant?” Asked Hiccup, glancing down at Astrid a few months later, “See if it gets the twins to stop.”
“It won't.” Sighed Astrid, as she stopped tracing invisible patterns on Hiccup’s chest, “I’m pretty sure it’ll just encourage them.”
“Okay,” Said Hiccup, adjusting himself so he could look at her properly, “what would you suggest?”
“I break the barriers of biology and get you pregnant?” Joked Astrid, before sighing, “You never explained why Camicazi didn’t like us.”
“There was a betrothal agreement,” Said Hiccup, his thoughts turning to his friend, “Dad and Spitelout hammered it out with Bertha, then the Dragon war ended, and the Tribe was suddenly less willing to lose me, and the agreement was broken.”
“And Camicazi didn’t take it well.” Said Astrid, as the conclusion appeared in her mind.
“Yeah, she… she thought that I suddenly decided that she wasn’t good enough or that I didn’t want to go through with it.” Said Hiccup, staring at the ceiling of their tent.
“Would you?” Asked Astrid, sitting up, “Gone through with it?”
“If I hadn’t shot Toothless down, probably.” Confessed Hiccup, “Gods, things would’ve been so different.”
“We wouldn’t be a thing.” Said Astrid, hollowly, “And Camicazi wouldn’t be a prisoner of the Lava Louts.”
“Yeah.” Hummed Hiccup, before lying down on the bed.
“We might not even be at war.” Said Astrid, lying back down and resting her head on Hiccup’s chest.
Hiccup chose not to dwell on that thought.
P
“Okay, how do I look?” Asked Hiccup, adjusting the two pillows he’d shoved under his shirt.
“I don't know,” Said Astrid, tilting her head, “it's not really giving pregnant vibes, just... fat.”
“Lassie,” Said Gobber, from his spot at a table, “there's a fine line between pregnant and fat.”
“How the heck do you know?” Asked Astrid, getting a small smirk from Hiccup, who knew Astrid really hated swearing.
“Gobber asked Valka if she was finally putting on some 'winter bulk' when she was carrying Hiccup.” Said Stoick, “I honestly thought that she was going to kill him, especially since she knocked Gordon’s teeth out.”
“Gordon,” Said Hiccup, “as in Gordon the Gummy?”
“He was originally Gordon the Grievous.” Supplied Gobber, “Let it be said, that woman threw quite the punch.”
“Oh, so that’s where you get it from.” Said Astrid, looking at Hiccup, “Since you knock three of Snotlout’s teeth out when you punched him.”
“Of course he’s got a decent punch on him,” Scoffed Gobber, “half of his struggles in the forge are just theatrics, he capable to lifting a Warhammer with one hand.”
“And the first thing he did after losing a leg and waking up from a month-long coma was ride the fastest dragon in the world,” Added Stoick, “and what you told us about that brief war with the Dragon Hunters, he was more like a force of nature than a person.”
“And he practically ended our most recent war.” Said Gobber, “Facing and killing both Logan the Cruel, and Lincon the Kin-slayer in single combat.”
Hiccup’s thoughts went to how the Hooligan/Lava Lout war ended, they’d torn though the Burning Ilses defences, sacking and burning the garrisons and taking the villagers away from the fighting. Hiccup, after all his previous feats in the war, had been named as a sword master, and fought Logan during the sacking, taking his hand and then his head. Lincon had arrived just as Hiccup removed his son’s head.
Lincon had killed his brothers and their children in order to claim the chiefdom of the Burning Ilses. Defeating him had been fairly easy, with Hiccup using Inferno to take the top half of his head, leaving him with just his lower jaw and tongue.
“Maybe you should lose a pillow,” Suggested Astrid, jerking Hiccup from his thoughts, “make it look like you’re in the early stages.”
“That…” Hiccup thought it over, “could work.”
P
A week later Hiccup was sitting in the mead hall, in full view of the doors, with a pillow shoved up his shirt. Part of him wondered if it would work, then he saw Ruffnut and Tuffnut in the doorway from the corner of his eye, who, upon seeing Hiccup with a 'baby' belly, ran off.
Hiccup quickly removed the pillow and stuffed it under his seat, twenty minutes later, Ruffnut and Tuffnut returned with half the tribe, and a significant number of their allies.
“See?!” Cried Ruffnut, pointing at an obviously not pregnant Hiccup.
“What?” Asked Hiccup, looking at the crowd.
“Where is it?” Demanded Tuffnut, looking around Hiccup.
“Where is what?” Asked Hiccup, feigning innocence.
“The baby bump!” Yelled Ruffnut, joining Tuffnut in looking for the ‘missing’ bump.
“What baby bump?” Questioned Hiccup, raising an eyebrow.
“Your baby bump!” Snapped Tuffnut, looking at Hiccup.
“My…” Hiccup did his best to look confused, “I don't have a baby bump.”
“Yes, you did!” Cried Ruffnut, as the crowd left, grumbling, “Where is it?”
“B-b-b-but- he- there—” Stammered Tuffnut, looking after the crowd, as Hiccup discreetly shoved the pillow back up his shirt after everyone left.
“Oh, you mean this bump?” Asked Hiccup, making Ruffnut and Tuffnut’s attention, with them staring at the bump, “Me and Astrid got careless.”
“Why are you telling us?” Asked Ruffnut, looking at Hiccup suspiciously, while Tuffnut look awed.
“Because...” Said Hiccup, removing the pillow and held it up to them, “no one will ever believe you.”
Tuffnut looked between Hiccup and the pillow in a shocked silence, while Ruffnut glared at Hiccup and sneered, “You sick bastard.”
“Bold words, coming from the two idiots who think born men can get pregnant.” Deadpanned Hiccup, giving them a flat look.
“Our uncle Pregnut got pregnant!” Snapped Ruffnut, crossing her arms.
“Because, believe it or not, you’re Uncle was born a woman.” Said Hiccup, “I would ask if you actually paid attention to Gothi’s healing lessons, but obviously you didn’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Demanded Ruffnut, as Tuffnut looked confused.
“Men’s pelvises can’t accommodate giving birth,” Explained Hiccup, know this was just going to go in one ear and out the other, “they’re too narrow, women’s pelvises are shallower and wider so they can accommodate giving birth.”
“What?” Asked the twin, looking dumbfounded.
Sighing, Hiccup rolled his eyes, “You know what, never mind.”
Without waiting for a response from the twins, Hiccup left the mead hall, leaving the twins in a stunned silence.
“He’s right.” Said Tuffnut, after a moment, “No one is going to believe us.”
The pair watched Hiccup walk to the docks, grabbing a torch as he went. Silently, they followed the rest of the tribe to the sea of longboats that carried their dead, Big-Boobied Bertha, Chieftess of the Bog Burglar Tribe, Mogadon the Meathead, Chief of the Meatheads, Phlegma the Fierce, Starkard, and several other warriors had been lost throughout the three year long war. They’d been unable to hold funerals for them because the Lava Louts always made sure to keep a garrison of warriors behind to collect the bodies.
The dead were all wrapped in canvas salvaged from the sails of sunken ships, and had been doused in some flammable liquid Hiccup had accidentally made while trying to make whiskey, a drink from the south.
Dragons pulled the boats out of the docks, with Stoick, Hiccup, and the other leaders and Chiefs fired burning arrows into the boats, followed by the rest of the warriors. Hiccup sighed as they all watched the burning sea, he felt Astrid appear next to him.
“How’d the prank go?”
“They fell for it.” Answered Hiccup, “But, they did keep morale up, even if we were the butt end of the joke.”
“Yeah.” Murmured Astrid, before glancing at the twins, “Looks like Fishlegs and Snotlout are trying to get close to Ruff.”
Hiccup let out a quiet snort, “Really? With what happened to Snotlout?” When he got a nod from Astrid, he sighed, “Well, I wish them luck, Ruffnut is as dense as a boulder.”
Feeling Astrid sigh, Hiccup wrapped an arm around her.
“We should probably help Fishlegs.” Said Astrid, getting a chuckle from Hiccup, “I’m pretty sure everyone would listen to Hiccup the Heartless.”
“I really don’t like that name.” Muttered Hiccup, before sighing, “That can wait. Let’s just…”
“Relax?” Asked Astrid, getting a nod from Hiccup, “That sounds good.”
A horn being blown drew their attention, where they saw half the crowd heading to the mead hall for the funeral feast.
“You know,” Said Hiccup, after a moment, “we probably should head up there, get some of the good food before Gobber eats it all.”
“Especially since one of us is walking for two.” Quipped Astrid, getting a laugh out of Hiccup as they started heading up the docks.