#megancd

[ambivalentlyloving]

On any normal night, I'd be talking to you, our faces inches away from each other and yet so many miles apart. Life hands you lemons, make lemonade; or at least that's what they say. I got my lemons. I made my lemonade. Sure, the lemonade was sour as hell, but I still drank it. Gulped it down because my heart told me it was worth it. He is worth it. I ruined my lemonade. I let my fears, my needs, take my lemonade away. Now I have no lemons, and no lemonade. I had him. I had promises. I had love. And I threw it away. Some people kill for what I had, and I let it slip through my fingers. And I miss him. More than ever. I want to run to him and fix it all. Fix all the things I did wrong, learn who I am through the lenses of another. Let me run. Let me learn. Let me fix this all. Give me back my lemonade. My sour, terrible, long-distance lemonade.

[ambivalentlyloving]

Thanksgiving is for actual thanks.

I think I've spent way to many Thanksgivings in the past few years pining over the things I've lost, the things I miss, the things I can't get back to... I guess this is pretty ironic, as it is called THANKSgiving, specifically because we are supposed to give thanks for what we have, and not spend our day contemplating what we so desperately would like to have. Today, I wish I had snow. Today I wish I could be with family. I wish I could be with him. But enough about what I WANT, right now, I'm going to forget about all that. Forget the miles, forget the tears, forget everything that's wrong (or everything I THINK is wrong.) I'm going to forget all that as best I can, and maybe, just maybe, for one moment, be thankful. 

Things I am thankful for:

the roof over my head

great friends

books

being an MK (even though I hate it at times) 

Brazil

America

Family

good food

Relient K 

Taylor Swift

Switchfoot 

John Mayer

Ed Sheeran

good education

music

mint flavored gum

pumpkin pie. 

mint-chocolate ice cream

coffee

rooibos tea

açai

pão de queijo

goiabada com queijo minas

Skype

Tumblr

Sweaters

Coxinha

Guarana

Coca Cola

Good TV Shows

Enough Clothes

iPhone

Memories

Good Health

A home all over the world

Travel

Culture. 

.............

You see,  there may be so much to pine over, and be depressed about. But I've also got so much to be thankful about. I wish I could remind myself of that more often.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 

[ambivalentlyloving]

Fly Home.

Save me. I’ve been lost for so long.

Heal me. I’ve been hurting all along.

Bring me. Take me home.

Cause in this life, all I’ve felt is alone.

So fly me. Take me away.

Out of this place.

Out of this pain.

Out of this misery.

But how can I expect you to save me,

When you’ve barely been able to save yourself all these years.

So love me.

Cause that’s all I can expect.

Listen.

Cause I know you won’t reject.

Understand.

Together we can overcome.

Together we can fly away.

Fly home.

[ambivalentlyloving]

Puzzles.

So I guess for me, home has never really been a place; it couldn't. Home has always been the crooks and crannies within places; puzzle pieces that don't always fit together. No matter how hard I tried throughout the years, no matter how hard I searched, no matter how hard I pretended, my puzzle of "home" was never quite like the ones that everyone else had. Everyone else had their perfect puzzle, with all the tiny little pieces that perfectly fit. It seemed, my puzzle, was scattered. All the pieces miles away from each other; making it ever so impossible for me to ever have what everyone else had. My home, takes a lifetime to put together. Everyone else has their perfect puzzle, perfectly completed and framed in the prettiest of frames. Everyone else has a black and white puzzle, a black and white life; simple. My puzzle, however, is covered, filled with bright colors, shapes and languages. Mountains and rivers and deep oceans. People of all different kinds. My puzzle takes so much longer to complete, oh yes. But in the end, mine will always be the most extravagant.

[ambivalentlyloving]

Chemistry.

She'd learned about chemistry in school. All those elements and particles combining to form mixtures and compounds and explosions of all sorts. But now she knew for certain, that the real chemistry, wasn't hidden within all those textbooks and presentations and labs. No, the real chemistry was him touching her arm, and setting her on fire. The real chemistry was them, combining, perfectly. A perfect balance. The real chemistry was him, making her feel so alive she felt like she would blow up at any given moment.

[ambivalentlyloving]

So she sits in her room, ever so imperfectly, with her huge blue sweater and chipped pink nail polish and her hair a tangled mess. Contemplating how on earth this perfect human being could possibly think she is this perfect when everything around her and everything she was screamed against it.

[ambivalentlyloving]

I guess it's just the little things then, that make life, well, happy. Little things like finding out there's no school on Friday. And someone telling you they love you. Or someone telling you you're wonderful. Or being allowed to read the book you want during class. Little. Seemingly insignificant. I am seemingly insignificant to everyone. But apparently, for some wonderfully inexplicable reason, he doesn't seem to think I'm so terribly seemingly insignificant.

[ambivalentlyloving]

You.

My phone keeps buzzing and I keep hoping it’s you. I’m sitting here, in my room, listening to stupid Taylor Swift songs to calm my thoughts. But my mind is raging with recollections and ramblings. I’m lost. It’s days like these, the lonely ones, that create a hole within my heart. It’s not even like I had a terrible day today. In fact, it was quite nice. It’s just that it hits me every once in a while how long 7 months is. And then it hits me that it’s that amount of time and more until I’m able to actually see you, be with you. These days are too long, and some days I just need you, your touch to calm my ever-worrying mind and tame my raging thoughts. But the miles seem to only get longer. And time seems to only pass slower when I’m waiting for you.