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What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising and fading out into an indifferent middle age

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Why are human interactions so hard for me?

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chapter 2 - it came from the west (my drug addiction and the friends that came with it): my friends now. (7.10.12)

sorry its been so long people, the last week and a bit has been pretty tough for me. realizing truths and fighting demons takes it out of you, lately ive felt like im guna explode from all the thoughts that keep being brutally kicked into my head, from things that have happened and what people have done and said, and what people said along time ago. it always starts off as nothing really, then snowballs and snowballs for days, each time with more hard hitting and tormenting thoughts of how sad my life is and how and why its gotten this bad. till finially i wake up one day with all this on my mind and sink into a depression for 1-2 days of sleep and weed and silence, and it truly tears at every piece of me. BUT luckily im a resilient young lad and i always manage to pick myself up after these mini breakdowns and start shaping my future and hope things will pick up (i have NO ONE to talk to or help me with these battles with myself, and once again i feel like ill be that much stronger at the end if i dont get much or any help). its all i can do, because really i cant do anything else but move backwards and ive come too far now to even think of that. uhk so if you havnt guessed today is one of those "gather the broken pieces and buy a new stronger bottle of glue so you wont fall apart next time" days, and i always feel abit better when i write these things anyway; uhk so for the last 4-5 weeks ive realised some ugly truths that ive always known about my 2 bestfriends, jon and roy. they've been probably my bestfriends ive ever had from school and we didnt become friends till the last year and a half of high school (once again everyones friend all through high school, but never belonged to a group of people). its probably easiest if i just give you a bio of them to understand who they are; (WARNING: i understand the things i will say will be a general and slightly raist view of arab people. i understand that not all lebanese and arabic people are like this, but i DARE you to spend as much time and learn as many things through these people as i have and not come to the same conclusion. arab men and there lives are under strict laws of living, handed down to them from there parents at a young age, which eventually becomes their black and white reality that they grow into believing far beyond any doubt as they get older. they are taught to;

obey their parents above all else

obey and respect elder male siblings (female siblings must obey to male siblings, ether younger or older)

take HUGE pride in your background and country (even if it doesnt exist anymore)

remain loyal only to what and how other arabs do anything

MUST marry into their own race

condemn anyone who disputes or threatens these laws

must grow up have 3 children minimum

dispute any views from people that reject these laws or are from a different race or religion.

have strong and stay true to fundamentalist religous beliefs (be it christian or muslim).

now because these basic rules are drilled into there head from birth, they mature with only these rules to dictate how they interact with people and see the world for the rest of their lives, and they see nothing much else outside of the sheltered life they have been brought up in. they call it culture, i call it egotistical, narrow minded, self centered, grooming from a young age. i know this sounds abit strong but ill try and explain the extent to which theses laws are exercised and how fucked up these rules can make you turn out. through only seeing the black and white of life that their parents have told them only exists, they live seeing only through those eyes. instead of the endless supply of colour, understanding learning you can absorb from the world and different people. examples explain better, so heres a couple of how close minded some arab (mainly my 2 best friends) can be;

uhk so in the west (or pretty much anywhere in sydney), if you want to dismiss something or ridicule something in the quickest way, is to call it 'gay'. this is the loosest term probably ever used, it doesnt AT ALL have to mean something homosexual, merely just a general derogatory term for anything.

neither roy or jon has never seen a live performance of a band, nor has ever been to a music festival. (they're for fags apparently)

basically any music that isnt 90's gangster rap (or rap in general), doesnt have a techno beat, or can be played live with instuments, is also "gay".

riding skate boards or being at a skatepark in general is "gay".

art and design is "gay"

reading novels is for "fags"

poetry that is not rap is "gay"

being a male and having female friends that your not trying to fuck is "gay"

feelings and talking about them is "gay"

uhk if you cant tell their lives is surrounded by being sheltered and staying macho. that in a very accurate nutshell is what being a arab man is all about, its taken awhile and ive missed out on alot but i think people who dont know any arabic men should have a good understanding of what my 2 best friends are. lol dont worry it gets worse, ill try to be as breif and accurate as possible but this is jon and roy; Jon; being the youngest and only male of his siblings (three older sisters), jon is reguarded (as with all first male children in a arab family) as the prodigy child. this means he is reguarded by the whole family as the only other ruling male of the family besides his father. his father owns a multi million dollar construction company, called 'Jonathan homes' (he was named after a company before he was even born) which of course jon will inherit. ok so money, power, and basically his own future successful life was handed to him from birth, as well as being the only male child, his self absorption knows no limits. money, gym, and girls are the only things that runs through his mind, and he will never hesitate to remind be that its "always hoes before bros" i remember once i had a big assignment due for uni, i didnt have a scanner at home so i needed a lift to office works to get my work scanned and put onto a usb, it was due the next day and i had only just finished it. i was hanging out with jon after i had finished at my house. i asked him if he could give me a lift to officeworks to finish my assignment coz i had no other way of getting there. HE SAID NO, but heres the fucked part; he turned down really helping his supposed bestfriend with is furture career, because he had already taken his pre-workout gym supplement (i gave him the water to have with it at my house) and needed to get to the gym ASAP before it wore off. each bottle of supplement has about 30-40 servings of powder, and he turned down helping his best friend getting a assignment in on time for a training session at the gym. there are alot more example but hopfully this shows you the extent of how self absored and narcissistic he is. roy;

roy is alot more down to earth and a much better friend than jon, although he as well is the oldest male child in a arabic family therefore another prodigy child. this means he is very opinionated, stubborn and narrow minded. theres not much else i can say about roy, cept we both argue alot and i usually submit due to boredom or the obvious fact that he will not stop arguing or listen to anything i have to say (this is 100% normal for me, although ive realized not for many others with normal friends). roy is a loyal friend but lacks understanding of other cultures and people (which you cant really blame him for because of how he and all arab males are brought up).

roy doesnt have much respect for anyone from any other culture or religion, than means even hating his own race soulely because they are muslim instead of christian. i once asked him why he hated his own race just because of their religion, (thinking he had a personal reason because they had wronged him). he said he didnt know and its mainly because his parents hate them because of the tension in lebanon between the two religions. (jon also shares the same belief and reasoning but for a different country). i hope this fully exposes the ONLY regular friends i have, i didnt get into the drugs side of things but itll be in part 2 of this chapter these people (arabs/lebos) are the only type of friends ive ever had, not even by chance or choice but because its really the only place ive felt any real sense of belonging in this world, and the funny part is; i dont belong there. most of the ideals they share i dont agree with, (i learnt to live and let live with my lebo neighbors) i keep my mouth shut and try to understand that its not my place to say anything. im pretty easy going like that, i tend to take people for who they are instead of where their from (lol probably coz i spent most of my life in the most multicultural place in australia). everyones a product of their parents, and with such a tightly knit system of how to raise a arab male/family its no real wonder why most lebo/arabs are the same. ive learnt alot from being around these people constantly in my life, they are very proud, honest, and secluded people. i understand their culture through and through but its not my own and i dont belong here. id love to find friends that listen to the same music i did, enjoyed art or understood how beautiful can be sometimes. sadly they dont, most of them dont. but i do and i think its time i stopped letting there narrow minded beliefs dictate how i live and who i wana become. im sorry roy and jon but ive out grown you. x

#meinwords

the girls + her; pamela (feat; me at my finest and lowest) (24.9.12)

APOLOGIES: uhk so ive been trying to get back into tumblr for 3 days now, coz i never sign out and after years of this i forgot my password. after emailing tumblr 4 times i finally cracked it and im here again. also i would really love it if people asked me questions or like these spiels coz until a few days ago i was typing these thinking no one was reading them. ive been close to just not doing this anymore but if anyone (even anonymous) showed support it would be greatly appreciated and will support my efforts as i accomplish them.

uhk so im 17 still hurting from georgia and living in fairfield (where i had my whole life). a big part of why we moved was my mum wanting to get out of there was because my three best friends were 3 Lebanese muslim brothers (all a year apart from each other). these were my neighbors, and i had spent nearly my whole life growing up with them. mum was worried i was spending too much time with them and were adopting there values (which i kinda was in a way). (there is a many whole other stories to go with those boys and the friends i have now but i wont go into it now).

so im 17 just got out of a relationship with a girl called laura which i never really had strong feelings for, she was a slighty chubby aussie boys girl, really funny and good natured person that loved sex as much as i did (she was my first). she was too full on in the relationship so i called it quits and we hung out, had fun and had sex on the regular anyway and probably had more fun doing that than being a relationship.

after we got the house sold i was told we'd be moving to cecil hills, now there was a girl that went to my high school that left in year 9 that was a notorious pretty face, and her name was pamela. A small petite girl with fair skin, huge bright blue eyes and brown hair (a tick in every box for me). no one from my school had kept in contact with her since she left and we were all in year 12 now. while skipping school to get KFC i was walking with a friend who wasnt a part of my group. he was in with gnarly bmx, skate park, motocross, boys (every schools' got a group like that). he was telling me that one of the boys in his group was getting naked pictures from pamela coz he was talking to her (now i dont wana sound up myself but the kid talking to her wasnt the best looking kid in the world). i already knew pam lived in cecil hills where i was moving to, and this news was the nail in the coffin and i decided to pull the snake. over the next few weeks of moving house i found pam on fb and started talking to her. turned out the house i was about to move into was 3 houses down from her by pure coincidence. weeks went by and we grew closer and closer by talking everyday through messages and msn. it was really easy to talk to her because we shared interests of music, art, movies, and ideas of beauty (something i was not expecting, she was just supposed to be a regular fuck in my new area). i was still goin to treat her like the aim i was going to achieve, but i knew that because it was so easy to talk and share things, she was dangerous.

while unloading stuff from the moving truck into the new house i noticed i was catching the attention of a few neighbors in the street (as anyone does wen new neighbors come into the street). one person though, was a young stunning tanned blonde girl, who lived directly across from my new house. "delicate" was her name (at the time i started naming each one of my lovers and, i think its better if i dont mention them by name). she was gorguz, half dutch and half thai background she had seemed to pick up every favorable trait from ether race. long flowing blonde hair, bright blue eyes, tanned skin and strikingly pretty face. few days after moving in i got a fb add asking if i lived in cecil hills, i reply yes and thats how i met delicate. so within the first few weeks of living in cecil hills area, i was tuning 2 girls who were each above a 7/10, and living within 3 houses distance of each other.

but wait there's a 4th, after i lost my job at civic i started having sex with a co-worker. a green eyed latino with a amazing arse and nymphomaniac drive sex drive. all me and "diamond" would ever do would be smoke weed and have constant sex. i loved every second of it and it always got better each time we did it. truely amazing sex, because she was so easy to make cum, which is about 75% of why i love sex, even to this day. OK! SO! i can honestly say at one point when i was 17 i was fucking all 4 of these girls for a solid 5-6 months. ME AT MY FINEST AND LOWEST.

ok so me and pamela were together wen this was all happening but still had no idea. yeh of course it sounds like i wasn't taking our relationship seriously. all the sex with all these girls was in the first few months with her (being that it was my goal that i set out to acheive), then i started to fall for her. pam was the sort of girl you meet that likes nothing more than to stay independent, and i loved this. i loved finding a girl that is compeltley independent and worry free, then slowly build up a need to have me in there life for everything, especially sex. its kinda sick but i saw it as trophy in my books, and thats what i wanted from pamela. weeks turned into months, and about 6-7 into it, i feel for her.

i can remember it too, it was a breesey summer night the sun had just gone down and me and pam were out the back and i was smoking. she was playing with my dogs and being really cute by just being herself. she was in a blue tight cotton short dress that made her figure look spectacular on such a small frame. she had fiery short red hair that set off her bright blue eyes and fare skin. she looked up at me nd smiled, and asked why i was smiling back. i told her dw and to come and kiss me, that was the moment i fell for pamela. for the next 3 months i sank deeper and deeper for that girl, and loved every second of it. i meet her parents and become friends with hers, (marko & co), it was fantastic point in my life, then she dumped me. after 4 days for not talk beacuase of a fight she came over and broke it off. we had a break but still wen out, which gave me alot of hope, that i didnt need at all. a week later she went to wollongong with marko & co and managed to get a bf overnight. he lived there and i till this day ive never heard from her since. it was crazy how id live three houses down from her and we would not say a word. this utterly crushed me, again for months on end i would be completely submerged with my own thoughts regrets and depression. i would loose 8 kilos through being too mentally and emotional worn to eat. i took it so hard, it was worse than georgia and i knew i let myself fall but i wasnt caught, again. i wont lie it was one of the best summer/autums ive ever had, certain songs remind me of that time in my life wen i was so young and adventurous. ill admit i saw myself as a big of a bad arse, and still kinda carry it as a achievement of whats possible and how well i could play girls. but i was torn apart at what pam did to me, i know most girls who read this will think i deserve it, but to honestly understand you have to be a guy. GIRLS I PROMISE YOU pretty much all decent looking guys has cheated on a girl or wouldnt turn it down if it was offered and knew they could get away with it, i was just abit more bold in what i could get away with. to have a penis at 17 and being asked to use it is what almost every teenage male seeks from a young age. like i said before i belive that love can still exist even if you are with others. for me most simply is; that person is the most amazing being on earth, inside and out, every moment of your day is spent thinking about them and how much you want them around, the passion in your self is spectacular to say the least, you want for anything to do with them is always dormant and thats what love is. once again gone on abit but i hope someone reads this, oh and; >my hairs getting alot longer >this is my first week at the gym and im DEFINATLY feeling the pain >hope to finish my tatt design soon then off to get a quote

#meinwords

chapter 1 - the girls + her: georgia (feat; snake move and what love is.) (6.9.12)

uhk so dont really know where to start with this whole thing, so ill start with the thing that fucking me most at the moment; her, and the 2 before her. personally im a sentimental and loving person, (when i get the chance to be) and when it comes to relationships with me its kinda all or nothing. i know everyone goes through some heart breaks in there life, but honestly the crushing torment of giving up on someone that you actually LOVED is a pain i wouldnt wish one the worst of my enemies.

i wrote this awhile ago but i still find it a very good summary of what love is: "love is a beautiful part of life, it makes people feel like they've got there life together. Someone who's shares mutual love has a content feeling knowing that someone loves them for who they are, and that all other inhibitions of physical apprearance or holes in there own personality (that you yourself understand) are covered and patched by the warm fact that those same holes are what make the other person want you. i think that comforting feeling and knowledge that a person needs you in there life for happiness is what makes up about half of what love is. the other half is the physical part; the sex, the cuddles after sex, smiling and kissing each other, the hugs and the secret world you escape to wen your alone with them along with all the excitement and mental pleasure you experience around them, that you slowly become addicted to." ok coz ive already gone on abit ill try to sum up georgia and pam as short as i can. (WARNING: i wana just say i truely loved these girls, being a very sentimental guy, i belive you can still keep such deeply rooted emotion and love for someone even if you cheat on them. after the 1st stab in the heart (georgia) i saw that passing up phisical affection from other girls (from where ever itd come) would only leave me with regret when they the gf left. i saw and still see it as a insurance part of the relationship, these are cards you keep to your heart incase something goes wrong and you dont have to remeber all the times you turned down offers for something thats down the drain wen it ends. ive always found comfort in it and its paid off to play dirty.) georgia: >i was 16 wen we met, she had a bf at the time and i knew i could manipulate the system to be top dog and take her off him.

the snake in the grass move; ok so i'd learnt by the time i was 16 that basically its pretty easy to have a girl even if she has a bf at the time. all you have to do is become her friend and grow closer with her constantly, (its a very fine line to fucking it up with the 'friendzone', so you have to play it smart and preferably be better than her current bf, in looks, body, personailty, more fun when you go out than with him, anything like that. if you dont have the charm or a edge over her bf you'll usally be put in the friendzone, then your HER bitch.) so basically you abuse this edge constantly but subtly, you manipulate her into thinking shes wasting her time with what shes with. coz every time he fucks up, you'll be there to cash in with cheering her up and having fun with her nd making her feel better, and make your value in her life alot more apprent than his that makes her sad. if you wana be really dirty you can say things like "if you were mine i wouldnt do that to you" and "no offense but your bf's a dick for doing that!" (subtle mind plays that will kick her off thinking how you want her to). and heres the most fucked up part; the more you do this the easier it gets to tear them apart. remember SUBTLE you dont want her to know your doing this on purpose (that way your the nice guy), these subtle hints mite take about 2 weeks to hit home in her mind so play it cool. soon shell bring you up in convosations wen shes with him talking about how much fun she has wen she around you. this will disturb the bf into thinking shes cheating on him with you, hell get jelious and acuse her or say something and she thwart it off coz nothing ACTUALLY happend, yet and she knows it). in her mind your just the nice guy that kinda better than her current bf lately. this is when shit starts to grow in her mind like what itd be like if she was with YOU, instead of the guy thats always nagging not to go out with you and is becoming too controlling coz he can sense they're difting apart and they're not the way they used to be wen you werent in the picture. theyll fight more and more, and you be there to pick up the pieces EVERY TIME. long story short shell finally give up on him "coz its all too hard to be with right now, and we're not the same anymore'. shell come to you when she needs comfort to get over him, AND BOOM youve got her wrapped round your finger coz shes jumped ship FOR YOU left something stable for the excitement of the future with you. she knows now theres no going back because of this shes spat in his face and drove off with you. so not only have you got the girl, youve got her wrapped round you finger AND the x isnt a danger anymore, snake complete. like i sed i'd learnt all this before i was 16 coz id had it done to me and done it myself. a truly horbile thing to do, fuck up someones happiness for your own ego or lust. wasnt the first time id done it and wasnt the last, so i pulled the snake on her, and we had a really sweet mushy puppy love going for about 5 months. my first ever genuie love for someone (not gona bore you with the details but it was a beautiful time in my life). i loved her so much coz she was stunning to look at (body, face, hair) and this was my first every hot gf that i could show of to my mates (a huge thing for me at the time). we'd only see each other once a week and we'd watch a movie and hang out for a whole day and love every second of it. eventually the distance between where we lived became cumbersome. she dumped me over msn and i was shattered totally (first time id properly be broken, which always hurts the most.) a week later i was still dumb enough to be still talking to her, while shed tell me she'd fucked a 22 year old (remember shes 16) to 'escape' the pain of me. got the snake moved pulled on me basically. honeslty i was shattered coz i had loved that girl so much even though wen never got past 1st base coz we where always in a public place like a shopping mall. but yeh first taste on deep pain and i hated every second of it. once again the snake move is called that for a reason, i never wanted it done to me but i would do it as a way of buying my karma back coz i felt i deserved it, to go through that and i was just getting 'mine'. the pain mainly came from her fucking the basically random guy, and then me keep in contact with her thinking i would win her back. this torment went on for about 4 months until i finally stopped caring, but kept hurting for another 4 months after that. that was my first truely low point in living and i took it really really hard coz i didnt have any experience in getting torn apart like that or what to do next. written way too much tonight, kinda got on a roll "the girls + her" to be continued.... x

#meinwords

first day of the rest of my life - turning 21 (2.9.12)

uhk so i dont really know where to start. this blog is basically guna be my life, from where it started, what its been so far and what i will achieive in the kinda near future. im starting this blog as a way of putting my thoughts goals and progress infont of me. ive found that (and kinda always known) that ive never really had someone to talk to about the stuff i go through in my own mind, what drives me, and how i see myself and who i wana become. and i kinda dont want to ethier. ive always found streagth in pain, i feel like if i take all the shit on my own, i would have served my time of darkness alone and not brought anyone else into it, and would come out of the torment of my own head and darkness stronger as a person. its how ive always felt about mental pain, i wasnt sure if it was normal or if im just winging coz it hurts so bad. so i dont tell anyone, so they dont know how bad i can think and they dont have to worry if its too much and i be swollowed by my own darkness in my head, and give in, completely. so im 20 and in 6 months and 20 days i will be 21. i see it as a HUGE milestone and what will most probably be how the rest of my life will be played. it honeslty scares me to death, actually having to grow up and be a proper man. leaving behind all the carelessness and wild aimless activities of being a teenager, smoking bongs weekly, smoking cigarettes, binge drinking/eating, sleeping in till mid day, all the fun stuff. im not saying im going to give up this shit forever, as i said before ive always felt you have to suffer to be proud of something, and i wana be truely proud of me, by the time i turn 21. theres a WHOLE lot more explaining to go along with this speshly to do with my past and where ive come from to even get here. ok so this is the list of things i WILL have done before i turn 21: >graduate my advanced dipolma of product design (final year this year and ive never given myself wholely to the career im half arseing) >quit smoking (smoking since i was 17, and honeslty where the fuck is it guna get me) >quit smoking weed (smoking since i was 16 and all though my own HSC) >quit relying on engry drinks to function (up to 2 redbulls a daily) >find a real sense of belonging with a group of people (never EVER had that) >have my own chest peice tattoo in my skin >find a friend to read this blog and understand who i am and like it >have my goal body achieved and have good foundation to look even better in the future >long hair (basically be a indie girls wet dream) ok ive gone on abit, ill try to keep post short and sweet but theres so much more to say. once again this blog will be my kinda diary thing for the progress of the goals i WILL achieve before im 21. and once again i just wana say i consider myself a very emotionally deep person, and becase i t sont have anyone to talk to about my life and the shit i go through everyday, ive started this blog as a esape fromt he people i talk to and see everyday who dont know who i am (even sometimes me). i also think that keeping this blog will help understand who i myself am and where ive come from and what ive suffered to acheive greatness from. ALSO to show to someone one day when i feel comfortable showing them so i dont have to explain who i really am, they can just read this and know. you people who follow my are now my invisible rocks that im guna rely on for strength (even though im sure no ones ever guna read this). its 3:40am on september 2nd and ive been on a long drive and have had a epitome of my life tonight. i want to grow into something glorious. x

#meinwords