#memory stuff

[confidently-conflicting]

Me: I haven’t been not drawing *that* long; it’s been like 2 days

The time passed: 5 days

Me: I haven’t written about therapy for like, a couple days

The time passed: 2 weeks

Me: my grandma’s birthday was a couple days ago! I should reeeally text her about it... I didn’t *forget*, I just haven’t *done it* yet...

The time passed: 1 week

Me @ time:

[anxiousautomaton]

I was clinging to Bro (I can remember the feeling of fabric on my face), and he ruffled my hair and told me, ”It’s alright, kid.”

There was...a storm. A really bad one, worse than I’d ever seen in my, at the time, short life (I was around a 10 or a bit younger, I think Probably younger). That’s why he was telling me it was alright.

I remember how he smelled. Spicy, and sharp. Burned my nose a little but..it’s a good smell.

I ended up falling asleep there on the futon with him and I remember him rubbing my back.

[swan2swan]

sniperct

replied to your

post

:

Can I just delete ALL the dll files on my...

go to start, type cmd, right click the command prompt and choose run as administrator. Type “sfc /scannow” and it should repair and replace any corrupted windows system files. If that doesn’t work it depends on what version of windows you have what the fix could be

Well it’s something...trying it.

Honestly I think one of my issues is that I’m using Screen-Gif and it’s backing up a TON of images in my computer. Problem is that I can’t tell where the images go, so I can’t clear them. I save 3 MB gifs, but each time I run the program I accumulate another 100+MB (from images along, probably).

I need to figure out how to get rid of those. 

[sugar-rxsh]

Once Ganymede came into my room while I was streaming, he sat on the edge of my laptop or on my shoulder and I shared food with him. He was a curious little thing and he flew around the room looking at stuff. It was nice to have him there BC sometimes I forgot I needed company when I was streaming !

[confidently-conflicting]

Therapy was two days ago, and it keeps being hard to think about.

I know we talked about the newest alter at the beginning. I know we switched a lot towards the end, and I know we talked about our relationships with + feelings about our parents a lot.

But it’s like.... we can remember bits and pieces of the conversations, but not the order within the topics. Or remembering it feels like watching someone else talk to her. That never happens for us.

It wasn’t that hard of a session. But it feels hard to think about. Clearly I haven’t accepted that, because I keep trying to write about it.

[confidently-conflicting]

Trauma therapy as a system is so strange. It’ll be like, I’m not even expecting to talk about this thing or have feelings about it, and then by the end of session, my body’s cried 2-3 times? ???

[confidently-conflicting]

Really don’t understand not being a system. Like.... you? talk to yourself? You have childhood memories that you can remember and talk about with people? Even if you get mad or scared or ecstatic, you’re still you? You remember short term things? You almost always know what year it is, and how old you are? Certain music doesn’t make someone else interact with the world instead of you?

This sounds like a shitpost, but it’s..... really genuine the more we think about it. And realizing that, even though obviously we didn’t always know we were a system or that there were alters, mental health has probably never been “normal.” (And due to physical illness(es)).

Writing this out is sad, but also really validating.

[Please don’t reblog if you don’t have OSDD/DID]

[confidently-conflicting]

System thing I/we didn’t really think would happen:

If the parts/alters who are out in a family situation are really scared or angry or something, other alters will come out and front. And they’ll act social, and happy, and overall enthusiastic and able to handle being around and with family.

Just thinking about that is so weird. We’ve noticed ourselves doing that recently— some alters getting sullen or scared around my parents, and some protector is like, “no, you can’t do that right now” and quickly fronts.

And it’s really cool, and obviously protective and a survival mechanism.

It feels weird that we didn’t expect it, and now that we’re noticing it happening. #RealLifeExample

Edit (we forgot to post the other part of this): and family is always like “You look so happy with TKMW!” And it’s true, they do make me/us really happy, and I know they love me and care about me and enjoy being around me. But it’s also that protectors are fronting and totally faking [being happy around family] because it’s “what needs to be done” and it’s “very temporary.”