We finally meet Robin. Spoiler: She is the worst. Kell is having a bad time. I am not sure about this one. Please feel free to tell me all your thoughts!
For Day 8 of @amonthofwhump 12 Days of Whumpmas: Poisoned/Drugged
Kell’s hands were sweaty, and the cloth of his gown was too smooth to wipe them off. He couldn’t sing tonight. He couldn’t. This was the theatre of his people. It used to be a place of respectability. Now the Varsennan had taken it and turned it into a place of pomposity and mockery. Turned them into a joke. They over and over took everything they loved, everything that defined them and turned it against them.
They even turned their own people against each other.
If he sang tonight, he would help them. He wasn’t better than they were.
“Drink this”, a voice above him said. Myra had come back and pressed a glass of water in his hand. Next to her was a Tharlian boy. He looked plain between all the performers in their colourful attires. He carried a tray and distributed glasses of water. Kell’s hands trembled as he emptied it in one go. The girl next to him laughed softly. „You seem to be really thirsty, hm?“
Kell had never seen her before. But then again, he had only seen a few Tharlians since he was here.
Kell looked at her warily and shrugged. Was she making fun of him? Had her words another meaning he didn’t get? Thrasher’s words had really gotten into his mind.
The girl rolled her eyes. „Sorry, I didn’t want to make fun of you. We all are more or less nervous. Some get sick“, she bobbed her head in the direction of a girl holding her stomach with a pale face, “and others feel as thirsty as if they just came back from a desert”, she looked at him.
“And what kind of nervous are you?”, Kell asked.
The girl smiled softly. „I am never nervous“, she said and winked.
Kell couldn’t help but smile back.
She was gorgeous. Her dark red-brown hair was long and wavy, her skin a tiny shade lighter than Kell’s. Her red make up gave her the impression of a lit fire. It fit her eyes. There was something wild in them. An indelible will to survive.
“Don’t be nervous”, she said and put a hand on his. Sparks tingled through Kell’s arm.
“Dear god, your hands are so cold!”, she said, putting down her glass and taking his hands between hers, softly rubbing them. She didn’t seem to mind that they were still sweaty.
Kell felt his face getting warm.
“You will do amazing”, she said. “Just do everything like you did in your practice and you’ll be fine.”
She smiled and let go of his hands to reach for her glass. He followed her with his eyes, still trying to process her words.
She raised her glass but then she sighed and hold the glass out for him. “Take it. I think you need it more than me. And I am too weak for your puppy eyes.”
“My what?”, Kell starred at her, fighting his surprise. He didn’t remember when someone had been nice to him the last time.
„Take it before I change my mind.”
They traded their glasses.
„Thank you“, he whispered.
„Yeah yeah“, the girl said, one side of her mouth lifting for a second like a wink. She brushed his hair back even though it was still too short to even fall in his face. “Just drink it before we have to go upstairs.” She gave him an encouraging smile. „Don’t worry too much. You will do fantastic tonight.“
This time Kell drank slowlier. The water was stale, but it was better than nothing.
Then Oryn came back and took him with him.
Someone pushed him into a chair and started to comb his hair. By now Kell’s hair had grown out a little. It still was so short but at least his scalp wasn’t showing anymore. “How about blue?”, the one brushing his hair said and Oryn nodded. „Blue is perfect for him. Like a bluefinch.“
His hand brushed over Kell’s face and Kell had to suppress a shudder. He had the dark feeling his name had just died. He wanted to scream. This is not who I am. Panic rose in his chest. He hated being compared to a bird but he pressed his lips tightly together. There was too much to worry about to start a fight. He let them make his hair and make-up and when he finally saw himself in the mirror, he hardly recognized himself. Panic knotted his chest and his eyes watered.
“Oh, darling, no need to cry”, the stylist coaxed. “From now on we will make you this pretty every day of your life.”
Kell forced himself to look away. He had to get out of here. He had to get some air. It was too warm. To sticky from all the powders and smells. He stood up and the whole room moved around him.
“Slow down, little one”, the stylist said and caught him by his arms.
“I need some …”, Kell started. His view got blurry and now he really panicked. Every movement made everything spin.
“What is going on here”, a new voice asked and Kell recognized Oryn. He started to shake. He had sworn that he wouldn’t screw up his first performance. He had promised.
“I think your little bird isn’t feeling so well”, the stylist said. “Maybe he can’t stomach the sedatives?”
“I will take care of him”, Oryn said. Suddenly there were hands on Kell’s back and knees and then the world was swirling around him. He gasped and tried to find hold with his hands. It took him a moment to realize Oryn had lifted him up in his arms and carried him out of the room.
A door opened and more voices, colours and faces. Kell closed his eyes. Then another door and suddenly cold fresh air. He was sat down onto a soft material. Then Oryn pressed something against his lips. “Drink, Kell”, he said in a voice that didn’t tolerate any protest. Kell opened his mouth and slowly drank whatever Oryn gave him.
“Now I want you to stay here and rest, okay?”, Oryn stroked his hair. “Can you do that for me?”
Kell managed a small nod. “I’m sorry”, he whispered. “I don’t know …”
“Shhh”, Oryn hushed him. “Don’t talk right now. I will get you a blanked.”
He left before Kell could say another word. He was taking deep breaths. His head was pounding, and his knees felt like rubber. He was on a balcony and above him there was the night sky with a thousand stars. Without thinking Kell looked for the twin star. It took him some time to realize it was the wrong season. The twin star wouldn’t be seen again until spring. Suddenly he missed Sabea so badly he had so gasp for air. His heart ached so much that he had to press both of his hands on it like he could hold it together that way. When he inhaled it sounded like it was the first breath for an eternity. There was a sound and it took Kell a moment to realize it were his own sobs. His mind raced.
Then he heard screams. Sabea screaming his name over and over again. Kell desperately put his hands over his ears but that didn’t help. The screaming just got worse.
He knew it wasn’t real. It was all in his head. The General had put it there. He knew he had. He just didn’t know how. But he remembered his cool touch on his head, he remembered his black eyes. He remembered the fog in his mind and the pain.
“It isn’t real!”, he whispered. His words sounding odd until he realized he spoke Tharlian. No, he wasn’t allowed to speak Tharlian! He suddenly didn’t remember any Varsennan. Panic crept through his veins. He lifted his head to watch out for Oryn. Again the world spun around him dangerously. The stars above him started to dance. Angry fireflies trying to revenge his sister. He kept telling himself that he would feel if something was wrong with her. But he wasn’t so sure.
Kell pressed his eyes close, duck his head, curled into himself. His body was sweaty and he shivered in the cold air.
He shouldn’t had drink the water. For a moment he had an important thought but then he got lost in the red colour of her hair. Whose hair? Oh god it was so red. Red like blood. Too much blood. Hands bound over a head and when she lifted her head, her hair was suddenly brown. Sabea.
Her eyes were wide open, pleading, blue like his own. “Please”, she screamed. There was so much blood. “It hurts. Kell. Please tell him everything.”
He had. He had told them everything he knew. He had told them. He had done everything they wanted. He screamed for them to stop. He knew how this would end. He knew she would die. She died every time. It hurt even though it wasn’t real. He knew it wasn’t real. Right? Or maybe it was and everything else was a lie? How would he know?
He started to sob. He screamed for his mom. For his dad. Where were they? Why did they left him here all alone?
Then there was a sharp pain and Kell opened his eyes. The General looked down at him. Kell had known Oryn would give him back eventually. He started to cry. His mouth formed words his mind didn’t know yet.
“Kell. Stop it.” The voice wasn’t the cold and always-hoarse sound of the General’s. “Kell. You are at the theatre, remember?”
He could still hear Sabea’s sobs. There were so many voices in his brain. He wasn’t sure which one was his own.
“What the fuck did they give you?”, Oryn mumbled.
“Please don’t hurt her”, Kell said. “Please. I will do everything. Just let her go.”
Another thought overlaid the first and Kell still couldn’t determine if it was a real memory or not.
“She is dead, isn’t she? I always thought I would feel it. She is dead and I will never see her again.”
There was a shift. Then hands touched his face, his hands.
“Kell, everything is all right. Just take a deep breath”, Oryn said. “Breathe with me.”
Kell obeyed and for a while he just breathed in the same rhythm as Oryn. His mind still not be able to tell what’s real and what was not.
“They are all dead. And it is my fault. Because I told him where he would find them.” Kell couldn’t even cry. He didn’t deserve to cry. “I told him everything. Until there was nothing left.”
He opened his eyes. Oryn looked down at him. His forehead furrowed. Kell wasn’t sure if he was angry or worried. What language did he speak? Kell wasn’t sure if he had spoken at all. He shifted and Kell could feel something cool moving over his face.
“Shhh”, Oryn made softly. “Everything is all right.”
Suddenly he remembered that Oryn had three children. Maybe he was a good father. The thought was bewildering. He couldn’t imagine him coming home after tormenting Tharlian captives to hug his daughters. He couldn’t imagine any Varsennan to feel love and be kind. But there had to be. Children weren’t born scheming and bloodthirsty.
“How do you feel?”, Oryn asked. “Can you perform?”
Kell blinked. The thought of having to perform while the world was fuzzy and spinning was horrifying. “Please don’t make me”, he said. His voice was hoarse and slurred.
“You are going to pay for this”, Oryn said with a soft voice, still stroking his hair.
Kell didn’t answer.
“Rest now. I expect you downstairs after the show.”
Kell wasn’t sure if he was ever able to walk again but he managed a short nod that again made the world spin. He felt like a weight was taken from his chest when Oryn had finally left.
The stars above him still moved but now they were less angry.
He reached for them as if he could touch them. “I am sorry”, he whispered. “Please tell them I am sorry.”
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“How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.”
Heartbeats and Memory Suppression: The New Tools for Controlling Fear
Most of us feel afraid when faced with a threat or danger, but people with phobias and anxiety feel overwhelming levels of fear in situations that are relatively harmless. Scientists want to moderate this response by using drugs to wipe out scary memories or by harnessing the power of heartbeats to improve therapy.
i feel like something bad happened to me but i can't remember what it was or when it happened
i’m sorry you’re feeling this way. i’m here if you want to talk. it may also help to go to a therapist or counselor if you can. they will help you healthy sort through your memories. if you can’t do that, try to find a PTSD workbook (there’s some online i believe) to help you understand what you’re experiencing. i wish you the best
Welp the repressed memories are back. Uh I was sent to a military boot camp for two summers and it was so so bad. I remember so so much and can't function anymore because of it. No wonder trumpets, gunshots and yelling are such a huge trigger for me. That was my everyday life for both those summers. I came home broken. My parental units wanted a soldier. They got one I guess. I might be sent away again this summer due to me being so troubled so I'm just so upset ~C
C I’m so sorry your memories are resurfacing. I hope you have people or at least a person you can trust to help you understand what these memories mean for you. Things can be so hard to process but you are so so strong.
I really hope you don’t have to be sent anywhere you don’t want to go. you should have bodily autonomy. i’m so so sorry
Okay so A repressed memory came forward and I'm very upset :))) It's not a good memory and explains so so much about me To put it short: I was sent to military boot camp from the summer I turned 13 to when I turned 15. two summers of pain and anxiety ™. Fun right? As if things couldn't get worse today is also the day it's been a year since He hurt me when he forcefully outed me *sigh* I've just been having a very tiring day and wanna nap but can't. I have too much to do.~A very tired C
i’m so sorry C. you deserve so much better than to be forced to do things like live with strangers over the summer. it’s also never ever okay to out somebody. i’m sorry these bad people have made you feel unsafe
i've always thought i could remember my childhood rly well and i can mostly but before age ~6 i only remember a few bits and pieces? is that normal for that age? i ask bc the abuse was the worst before age ~6 and if it's not normal maybe it's bc of that? idk how much people usually remember of their childhoods though.
hi! i am so sorry about your abuse. also, i actually asked my therapist this to give you the right answer because i don’t remember my childhood. she said most people have decent memories starting around three or four. not that you would remember everything, but people who aren’t abused should have some memories. it’s completely normal for people who have been abused to not have many memories though, so don’t think something is wrong with you.
