#memory.exe

[holograph-tutorial]

“..i, uh... ..mmh.. yeah, i.. i think i’m okay now...”

[bleedingdesert]

We started watching the DMM/D anime thinking that because we already finished the game that this would be a walk in the park.

But um, there was a couple of seconds showing me (this is Sei typing btw) standing next to Toue. Some general surveillance on Aoba was shown too, I mean he had to keep an eye on his possession right?

Just its such a simple part of the episode but it caught me super off guard. Like just everything really hit at once. The years of watching Aoba, the lifetime of my literal slowly being drained and waisted away as a stepping stone for someone else.

I know I'm safe now. But I also know that that lifetime took away so much. Like I'm glad to have everyone here but Toue took away any chance I had to be my own person.

In the game it shows Ren using my body because my fictional counterparts soul had been completely erased. But for me I was still there just really really weak. So Ren and I shared that body for a while. And for now my soul still is working on regaining strength.

Maybe in another life I'll have my own body again. Maybe I'll be my own whole soul. I don't know.

This is a lot of things at once, I know, but I just really needed them out.

[holograph-tutorial]

...benrey, do you not remember what happened in xen? -🕷️

[Benrey goes quiet, staring into space. He seems to be remembering something..]

[bleedingdesert]

We just stumbled across the term “exotraumagenic” due to Tumblr throwing random recommended posts at us (technically it was a blog name but we really like the term). For right now that seems to be the best overarching term for us?

We originally became a system during our life as Kevin. I don’t remember if we have actually explained what happened or not so here goes.

The origins of Desire

For those unfamiliar with this particular source material (W/TN/V) you first find Kevin in the middle of Str/ex co’s reign. A normal broadcast for us at that time interrupted by Cecil and I switching places in our separate radio stations visa vi a portal. Here Cecil finds our station covered in blood and various pieces of gore. During this point our lives “Kevin” wasn’t really at the forefront. Sure it was the name we used in order for things to appear more “normal” to the citizens of D/esert Bl/uffs. But at this time it was Smile (who might have actually used the name Sunshine but I’ll use Smile for now) who was leading the body. I, Kevin, was dormant in the back of the mind. I had been pushed to the back of our mind, or maybe I put myself there? Either way, it was because of what S/trex had done to me. The Bluffs hadn’t always been this dystopia of work and torture. We used to be a “normal” (normal being loose as we still had weird things happen all the time) town. Then Str/ex corp began to take over everything, slowly pushing everyone in our town to become these beings whose only purpose was to be productive. Everyone was completely reprogrammed by them. Smile took over the body when Stre/x reprogrammed us after they cut our eyes open in front of the radio station. I was the last building block to take over, Smile was the media whose message was “things are better with Stre/x”.

So, all of that is to say our current system is very likely caused by the trauma of S/trex’ reprogramming. We later came to become a more functioning system after a Bluffs led revolution (italicized because source has Night / V/ale overthrow Strex. Which wasn’t the case in our timeline. And I’m always bitter towards them for little to no reason.) That whole story can be covered later.

Issues with the Definition

But that said- I don’t know if it was trauma that caused the split. Smile easily could have been purposely created by St/rex and then implanted into our head. But also S/trex could have come into existence due to trauma as a survival tactic. Also at the moment we don’t know where Ren/Restraint’s origins are. Figuring out Desire’s was much easier because we already had an idea before playing D/M/MD. So we may not purely fall under exotraumagenic- but for now its certainly something I (Reason, the others don’t care as much which is entirely fair) need to think about.

[bleedingdesert]

Not to sound like some edgy villain or whatever (but lets face it, that's my whole shtick), but boredom is a powerful motivator.

Boredom is this awful overpowering itch that I absolutely fucking despise. It overwhelms in a way nothing else can. Maybe it's something bigger than what it is, fear of wasting time or whatever. But mostly what it is is this want for /something./

After all, I am Desire.

For me, this pushes me towards destruction. It's the most easily accessible form of entertainment. There's also such a rush that nothing else can replicate, the adrenaline that comes with watching something dissolve away by your hand. It's priceless.

As Smile this was a more hands on approach. Blame Strex or whatever, but I definitely killed more people than what was necessary. Sure I was an absolute product of brainwashing, but it cured boredom. That and Strex themselves programmed me in a way that got bored easily. More productive that way, I guess. So I threw myself into any task they gave me. Experiments, "work motivation", city watch, being the voice of Strex' version of Desert Bluffs, whatever they said was my personal law. When we escaped Strex I was completely lost. But I'll go into that a later date.

As Sly my destruction wasn't as hands on. Immediately after writing that sentence I remembered the fact I'd get in a shit ton of fist fights. But like the point is I didn't straight up murder anyone. I didn't have anyone to tell me how to relieve my boredom, so I launched a lot of spaghetti at the wall. There was the typical teenage shit of sleep around, drugs, alcohol. Then there was the fact I'd also destroy people's minds with my voice as entertainment. It was like I found exactly what I was made for.

And now in this life I'm searching for a new outlet. It feels like fighting my purpose in life to try and find something that isn't harmful to others. But well, Reason wants me to.

Rambling brought to you by: Being forced into front yesterday because Reason was bored. And I'm still out for this long ass car ride.

[bleedingdesert]

[fictionkin asks] 9, 14, 25 for Kevin and/or Smile ~

9. If you could change anything you did in canon / go back and do something you didn’t do, what would it be?  

Kevin: For a while I used to think something along the lines of "don't listen to Cecil". (For those not familiar with source Cecil told me that we wouldn't be taken over by strex.) But really there wasn't much I could do or much I would've changed at the time. So now I don't know what I'd change, maybe I'd sneak into Cecil's town and play a prank on one of their sports teams. Sounds like something petty I'd do in those days.

Smile: At one point I scared our then boyfriend, future husband really bad. Like recovering from Strex programming was a huge ass process. Basically, I was super fucking jealous of his (eventually our) kid Donovan. Basic thought process was like how dare this little shit hog attention from the first person to like us! So at one point I threatened Donovan by holding his fragile little hands too tight- I wanted to feel them break- But Donovan being Donovan diffused the situation by... I don’t remember exactly. Just some adorable child magic or whatever. It scared me into letting go- not because I was afraid of him, but I was afraid of the pang in my chest Donovan gave me. Charles saw and was you know a little fucking terrified of us for a bit, which fair, but hey it worked out in the end. Just, neither of them deserved to have that memory.

14. What was something you loved in your canon?  

Kevin: I'll spare you the cheesy answer of my husband and our son. But I really loved my town. My love for the town might have been for an idealized version that never existed, but I really did want the best for the bluffs. We were very close to one another before strex, and it took a lot to rebuild that closeness. There was this suspicion in the air that someone would revert back to the way they were under Strex' control. That and plenty of people held resentment for things that were done to them or people they knew. All of which was completely understandable. But! We healed the best we could.

Smile: Blood. It was programmed into me by Strex to have this sort of dopamine spike on sight. It drove a lot of my actions during the Strex days, and it became an inedible addiction. I had other addictions like Strex’s drugs they constantly kept us on, but blood was the thing I could still feasibly access afterwards. At first this led to some unethical shit (but lets be honest most of my existence was pretty unethical lmao), but eventually I found ways to satisfy the addiction in a more consensual and safe way. Mostly taking some from our husband~

25. Favourite image of your kintype?  

Kevin: https://www.pimerang.com/p/2332856351624287915 This is my current favorite image! It’s not entirely accurate to what I looked like (scars and smile aren’t quite right) but its pretty close!

Smile: https://bleedingdesert.tumblr.com/post/626275111263240192/fever-party-gold-refinery This isn’t really of me, but I vibe with it hard. Like its a very me image, and eldritch spooky shit is what I viewed myself as in this life. Close second though is the tarot card. That lil smiling shit in the mirror is probably the closest thing to me existing in canon lmao.  https://bonesnail.tumblr.com/post/101453776678/wtnv-tarot-king-of-wands-kevin-energy

[bleedingdesert]

3 and 11 for the ask game thing @ kevin

3. Favourite memory? Its a vague memory of our little family (Us [Kevin & Smile], Charles, and Donovan) sitting in our living room. We’re laying our head on Charles’ shoulder as he brushes his hand through our hair. Donovan is cuddled up next to Charles and I, and I’m weaving a fairy tale esque story for the both of them. The exact details change here and there because this was a fairly common situation for us, but its homely and nice.  11.  Was there someone you wished you had gotten to know better? If so, who? Carlos. We had this intense obsession over him for a while in that life which unfortunately blocked us from actually getting to know him. That and I wish I had gotten to know Cecil more, instead I’m endlessly bitter towards him for little to no reason. We may have more memories to uncover with these two, but for right now they’re these vague blips that just existed parallel to us.

[bleedingdesert]

A.lphys

So, Under.tale gets things with A just slightly enough wrong that I want to do a short memory log about her.

So in canon she does have a crush on me. Which is true. Just a little odd for me. The age difference between us made it to where when she did have a crush it was more like a student crushing on their professor. It happens. Just. Awkward. More so since like in canon she did end up in a long term relationship with Undyn.e. Who was my daughter. All in all it was fine, if not a little awkward between us at times. But hey, who isn’t awkward around people who you know had a crush on you at one point.

Alphy.s did become the head scientist leading the research on necromancy. She was an intern with Gast.er for a while before he passed away in his lab. Then naturally she became the head of the project.