I burned out. I've overloaded my head. A short story of sorting it out. #Burnout #mentalhealth #stress
My mind shattered into thousands of tiny pieces on the floor. The senses and motor functions were the only bits left attached to one another. It floated in a blank void before me. I stood there in wonder as I studied each fragment; reading, gardening, hikes, beach walks, family, friends, YouTube, writing, and other random bits of what I thought I enjoyed laid out beneath.
Spring Cleaning isn't just for deep cleaning houses its also for deep cleaning our very souls. When you get rid of stuff that you've been holding onto physically it effects you mentally. Suddenly, there's an open space for something more, something better. Not everything has to have a special meaning, and if you're struggling to decide whether to get rid of something try to consider how often you look at it, or think of it. If its something prominent in your life and something you enjoy frequently then of course hold onto it if you want, but if its been sitting collecting dust and you can't remember the last time you even thought of it then its time to let it go.
I really feel like I am losing myself. I feel like I am in pieces, a fragment of passion here, a sherd of excitement there, a snippet of sass lying somewhere nearby. I do not feel whole right now.
Everything is starting to taste bland, and my clothes feel drab. I feel like any extended energy I have still fades so quickly and fails to reach down into my core. I feel the heat on my skin, but that’s where it rests--I do not feel the burn, the thrill in my bones, the flames licking my soul.
I am feeling cold and quasi-removed from everyone and everything I love. I feel like I have been pushing away my boyfriend and snapping so easily at my parents. When I have a problem, it feels like such a massive blockade, and my synapses are misfiring, causing such strife and utter failure. My critical thinking and problem solving skills are not being tapped; just an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and permanent dread. I know that part of my struggle with this is the anxiety I feel when plans are rearranged in whatever way. I need to work on my life flexibility (My flexibility at work, being torn in different directions and responding with a constant smile, might be expending all my flexibility in other areas.).
This is not something to “snap out of.” I think this time will be a long, arduous crawl on hands and knees through the dark, cutting up my palms and the soles of my uncalloused feet.
I just feel like I am so tired of keeping the same issues and struggles under control, moored at some imaginary bay at which I do not like to look except from a pier far away. Maybe that’s part of my forever problem: thinking that these things need to be buried away when in actuality it might be healthier to revisit with a more critical and distant eye from time to time. I’m even tired of saying the same things, making the same vows, drawing the same conclusions.
The worst part about this state I am in is the loneliness. This time around I really feel like I have no one to talk to about it. My parents and other family members do not understand one iota. My boyfriend tries to help and build me up, but it’s useless and feels so trite. I know he is doing his best to understand, and I cannot blame him for all his effort. At the same time, knowing this makes me feel so awful and draining. It is not fair for him to be sucked into this mental vortex of mine; I feel like I want him to stay away until I’m better. It sounds irrational and maybe even immature, but I have never experienced this while with someone. I cannot burden my friends with my heaviness while the ones who would understand are lugging their own. So I just feel so isolated. And I have been afraid to talk about it, even in written form. I have such an enormous headache from the mental strain and the crying.
I am entering that state of paralysis with which I am so familiar. I am going to spend tomorrow, the first day of spring break, sorting through all of which I have delayed in the last few months. Whether I write a line or an essay about it, I must expel it. Because I cannot move forward mired in a thousand yesterdays and the anxieties of tomorrows yet to be. I need to slow this heart pounding with worry for things that may never be.
I hate being single, especially at night when I'm relaxing for bed, because I hate the feeling of being alone with nobody to talk to until we both drop and someone to look forward to talking to when we wake up and it doesn't help that it seems like everyone around me is happy with someone and I'm still not used to being single after 6 months. I wish there was something to pull me out of this mindset but I don't want to annoy anyone with my complaining. I know in time I will find someone but it that could be years or even longer away and I would like to feel better before then so I can keep moving forward to that point without feeling upset and alone every night
