Musings, Dreams, Positivity - Sometimes...

This is where I find my voice.

[lizadreams]

I drove today and it was a very awful experience. I nearly had a panic attack. I made it to the car in the garage and drove my husband into town for some errands as he had been drinking and it was just awful. Too many cars out, I didn’t know how to get to our destination and once there I didn’t know how to drive there. By the time we reached a Dairy Queen for some ice cream I was crying. This is why I don’t feel like going out, everything is always awful.

[lizadreams]

I’m so afraid to go outside. I know it’s not rational but I have this phobia of bees for one thing, and for another I’m so scared of being seen. I’m afraid of people judging me, I’m afraid of being near people especially as people in my area are not wearing masks as much. It’s terrifying even the people with masks. I’m just terrified of being outside. So I stay here locked up in my house waiting for the weekend when my husband comes home and I can feel safe again.

[lizadreams]

Inevitably, I find myself stuck in the same pattern of behavior. I've been hurt so much in my life, that I can't seem to find anyone that I can truly be myself with. A real friend. So, I go to the only outlet I have, online games, communities, forums... and I find people that I get a long with, in fact we get along so well that we end up spending tons of time together, and I get wrapped up in their world. I have such a docile nature that I suppose I sort of let these people imprint on me. In doing so, I start to lose the reason I went to those places to begin with, which was to be myself. It's the same type of person too. Strong-willed, charismatic, seemingly genuine. I'm like a magnet for these people and I allow myself to be pushed aside. I made a decision recently to block and unfriend one of these people. It was someone that had lied to me so much, and yet I still tried to rationalize it because I was so lonely. I left certain places open if they wanted to try to reach me, but they never have and I know I made the right decision. I don't know how to stop myself from engaging in that same cycle.

[lizadreams]

I am hurting so much right now, and I just feel so lonely. I don't even know what I can do to fix it.

[lizadreams]

I feel so lonely right now. I used to be so independent, strong. All I feel right now is weak.

[lizadreams]

Idle..

I'm here alone. The silence is deafening. I roll my thoughts all around my head, they're jumbled. Messy. My creativity is monotoned, and I realize there are 4 clocks that I can see in my room. This idleness is a trap, it keeps me in the same minute over and over again and all I want to do is just be with you again. It's only been hours since we parted but I'm so reliant on you, this is the time at night when you come home. Every hour of my day is spent with busy work until you get home and now you'll be gone a whole month. I don't know how to spend a month away from you. I know what other people think, that we rely on each other too much. That it's not healthy to have to spend every second together but we don't spend every second together. Even when we're together we're apart, it's just your presence that is comforting to me and I feel weak for feeling like crying.

[lizadreams]

Family Drama

I love my family, we're pretty close. So, when we fight things to be really bad. I've been thinking a lot about the way of relationships. In my relationship with my mom and sister I often struggle to find my voice. Even though I have a lot to say I am often interrupted and then they take over. I let this happen because they don't really understand that they are doing it. I struggle though because they never seem to be able to understand the way I feel. For instance, I have to travel all the time to see them in a 2 hour trip each way. Sometimes I'll spend the night, sometimes I just drive back. They rarely drive down to see me, and would never spend the night. Stating I don't have the room or one of the beds isn't comfortable. When I have to sleep on an air mattress or couch most of the time and do not complain. I really want to know why I allow myself to be pushed aside, why I don't fight more for myself. Why they can't understand me the way I understand them..

[lizadreams]

Everything is okay.

If you are anything like me then you probably worry, and then worry about worrying too much. Then worry some more about whether your loved ones think you are worrying too much. It's okay to worry, but not to the point that it paralyzes you. I find myself relying on my husband to remind me that everything is fine, that I'm not crazy for worrying. That no, he doesn't think I'm crazy and yes, he loves me no matter what. It doesn't have to be a spouse or partner but if you can find someone that can love you, accept you, and remind you to accept yourself then hold onto that person.

[lizadreams]

Spring Cleaning

Spring Cleaning isn't just for deep cleaning houses its also for deep cleaning our very souls. When you get rid of stuff that you've been holding onto physically it effects you mentally. Suddenly, there's an open space for something more, something better. Not everything has to have a special meaning, and if you're struggling to decide whether to get rid of something try to consider how often you look at it, or think of it. If its something prominent in your life and something you enjoy frequently then of course hold onto it if you want, but if its been sitting collecting dust and you can't remember the last time you even thought of it then its time to let it go.

[lizadreams]

Low-Carb, Keto Reicpe

I wanted to share a recipe for Low-Carb 3 Ingredient Hashbrowns, now, I wouldn't actually say that the recipe is really only 3 ingredients but that's what its called and it does give you a couple of optional ingredients. The recipe can be found here: https://www.ketoconnect.net/recipe/cauliflower-hash-browns/ I would suggest adding a little more cheese, and possibly adding a little bit of real garlic to help mask the cauliflower taste a little. Assuming of course that you don't like the taste of cauliflower! I would also reccomend a different cooking time my oven at 400 degrees started to burn the outside and despite buttering my pan made these stick to the bottom causing the crispy part to come off. Try somewhere around 350 and then flip the hashbrowns halfway through and it might work better!

[lizadreams]

Ahh, Sleep.. My old friend.

It's 4 am and I am awake. I miss the days when I could fall asleep so easily, life was so simple. Now however, I find myself reading pins, and blogs but it only serves to keep my mind engaged. I once read somewhere that you could fall asleep easier if for 15 minutes you remained absolutely still. I'll try it.

[lizadreams]

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law basically says that, "If anything can possibly go wrong, then it will." For me, I know that it seems like a chain reaction, one bad thing happens.. then it seems like every bad thing is happening. I wonder though, if it's not just our perceptions that are heightened. We're attuned to see other bad things happening because something bad as already just happened. That doesn't actually mean that more bad then normal is happening, we just notice it more often. I think the same can be said of good things, but again I think it's all about perception. So if something bad happens try instead to focus on the good in the situation, because there always is, we just have to find it.

[lizadreams]

Another day

Today was another day. Another opportunity to heal, to smile, to be happy.. but it was also another day where I was struggling. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what causes my anxiety but until I can, I'm going to keep doing my best.

[4fitnesssake-deactivated2018120]

[lizadreams]

Just because someone looks "healthy" on the outside, doesn't mean that they actually are. We should strive to be healthy mentally first, everything else will follow after.

[lizadreams]

Music Helps

Sometimes music helps, there are certain songs that I could listen to over and over and everytime the music fills my soul. I feel my spirits rise with every note and the beauty in the voices captivates me. Lately its been this weird, obscure, song that I found on my old Ipod. It's called Lothlorien and is apparently from an old Lord of The Rings Musical. Is there a song that does that for you?

[lizadreams]

Anxiety

On days like today, where anxiety is getting the best of me its hard to stand my ground. Every part of me wants to hide and ignore this anxiety, but there's no where for me to hide. Everytime I try to push back against the anxiety it just grows bigger and the easiest tasks become the hardest. Lately I've seen a lot of people post about invisible illnesses and I get it, on the outside I look normal but on the inside I'm screaming, "Leave me alone!" "Don't talk to me!" "Don't look at me!" and then to myself, "Stop it! You're being stupid!" I just feel like I'm choking, like I can't breathe. If you know people that have anxiety or depression don't assume that they have it under control. Don't assume that the solution is simple or just because they look normal that it isn't a severe or serious problem. Pain looks different for everyone. If anyone asked me what they could do to help I'd probably say nothing, just knowing that I have someone that cares about me helps. I have someone in my life that always tries to fix everything, to fix me. When all I want is for them to awknowledge my pain, and let me deal with it. I'm not a project to fix! Sometimes I just need to feel my pain. Just be there to listen if I talk, be empathetic to my feelings, and remember that I'm not asking you to fix my problems, I'm just asking you to be there.

[lizadreams]

Just move

If you aren't moving then you aren't making progress. It's okay to fall back and to lose momentum but never allow yourself to stop trying. Giving up is defeat. It's so easy to get overwhelmed but you have to remember that it's okay to be overwhelmed, those feelings help you grow. Just never stop moving, whether it's back or forward never stop.