Ever changing
I don't think i stop enough to think about just how much has changed in the last year. I'm single for the first time in my twenties which has been the most soul changing experience, scary on the best of days. We moved family home to a complete new area, after twenty four year of living in the same home, dads home. We started over. I think we almost had to. So much heartbreak had happened in that home, we were tangled in the memories of what was far too often, often enough that we couldn't quite imagine what would be. So we left.
With that, I also decided to move job too. I had dreamt of being a financial analyst for as long as I had picked that finance would be my path. And now, I get to work for a medical devices company doing exactly that, and helping people. Serving people. Saving people.
I started to move my body. Pilates.I had spent the last three years feeling the most unseen I had ever felt on this earth. isn't it crazy how one person has the ability to confine you into such a box that you're afraid to come out even after they dump it in the water to drown. Much rather, I drowned. Somehow, after many months at sea with my thoughts, trying to staying afloat amidst all the questions, the pain and the longing I felt, I survived. An entire 12 months since you left.
Out of everybody I lost, I missed myself the most. Not in a self deprecating way, not even in a "nothing is ok" sort of way. Just in the realisation that there were versions of me that only existed back then. Ways I laughed more easily, ways I spoke without second guessing, ways I felt lighter because someone knew me in that specific season of my life. I miss being my dad's daughter, and not in the heavy, lonely way I carry today. But I miss who I was when I felt safe no matter where or what. I miss having a dad. Feeling loved beyond belief.
So yes, turns out an entire twelve months had passed me by and although I've felt like I've stood entirely stuck, still. So much had evolved and changed about me and guess what, I adapted. I leaned, I'm learning and I'm accepting.
Somehow it's June tomorrow, which means it's 6 months through the year. Another year. Which means I'm 25 next month. Shit.
Anyways, check in complete-
May 31st 2026.
Lots of love,
Dad would be proud of you Anj.
