#mentalstruggles

[leonisntontumbl]

Orbiting Reality

I float just outside my skin. A satellite trapped in someone else’s body. I watch myself exist, but I never really land.

[leonisntontumbl]

Glass Breath

I screamed in a glass box. They waved from outside. I smiled with bleeding lungs.

[thejudgementalmom]

Emotional vulnerability is emotional sensitivity, emotional reactivity, and a slow return to emotional baseline. (Linehan study 1993a) An invalidating environment is when people/parents tell you you're wrong for experiencing your emotions. They may even punish you or ignore you when you get emotional. In some cases, people may acknowledge your emotions, but in a case where they are the ones causing them they will not stop, and instead keep doing what they're doing to hurt you. Another example of an invalidating environment, is when you are punished for being defensive or reacting in a defensive or emotional way during a conversation or argument. For example, if someone does or says something and you tell them that's not fair to you or that what they have done has hurt you and their response is 'waah, it's all about you isn't', then in turn you get defensive and upset because they didn't care how you felt, and finally their response is 'i'm not your emotional punching bag'. This will make anyone go crazy. Now put someone like a child a who naturally is emotionally dysregulated and its adults jobs to guide them into regulation. Invalidating children and any adult plants a seed of mental distress and disorders; that over time, without help and WITH persistent unhelpful invalidating environments, blossom into a plethora of mental and emotional struggles. ••• #bpd #mentalstruggles #invalidation #invalidatingenviroments #emotionaldysregulation #emotionallyvulnerable #parenting #relationships #kids #parents #moms #dads #childhood #family #growingup #mentalhealth #mentaldevelopment #attachment #understanding #yourinnerchild #innerchild #honestmomconfessions #honestparenting #embraceparenting #blogger #momblogger #thejudgementalmom https://www.instagram.com/p/B-5uHCSpoUY/?igshid=xcv9as8ttrqc

[thefanfictionguru-blog]

The struggle is real

My smart brain: So, what are we going to do today? We should probably do some reading, get some work done, go to the gym-

My dumb Brain: -Nah, I'm just gonna read this fic

My smart brain: But we've read that already!

my dumb brain: And now I'm going to read it again

My smart brain: What about life?

My dumb brain: fanfiction is life.

[robintheghost]

Last night I dreamt about one of my former friends, who I removed from my life a few months back. A weird thing to happen for sure. Didn’t saw that coming, but let’s say the brain works in mysterious ways

Tho it had given me the idea to reflect back. I have made the right decision in the end. Sometimes it still ain’t easy, however even after removing those four from my life they haven’t shown they consider me their friend. Only one (the same one I had my dream about ironically) has send me a couple of messages, yet hasn’t even tried to show I’m worth something. How shitty that might sound, I’ve done what’s best for me. You always hear a lot about toxic people, but very few seem to realize they too can be toxic in some way. It has made a positive impact on my own mental health, which is what the whole decision making was about Talking about former friends, my reaching out to Sarah has worked out, to some extend. It’s only been a couple of messages, but I take those few over anything else. Not in the least because those messages revealed some much needed info about where it went wrong. And that, after all, is what I’ve been looking for all these years. I hope we have cleared a few issues up. I can’t revert time, however I do wish this small conversation would heal some old wounds. For me at least. Now I’m waiting for her to reply again. A simple question (if we want to have each other back in our lives), yet a significant answer lies ahead. I’m impatient for her reply, tho I cannot spam her demanding an answer. It’s tough for me but I’m finally getting somewhere. I don’t want this to blow up right in my face when I feel I’m close to at last get some things back on track again. It has left me with less rest, palpitations, and a mind in a constant state of anxiety and relief. I have so much more to ask, so much to catch up about, but patience is key. For now it’s hoping she’ll reply ASAP. I am still glad this hasn’t blown up in my face. She has noticed me, and is willing to listen and talk. That’s the good start

[robintheghost]

Update

Nottingham Forrest. Nottingham Lace. Nottingham. All reminders of Nottingham. Haven’t been to the place, yet I still have bad memories connected with that name. Guess getting screwed over does leave some wounds in the end. A shame tho, as Nottingham itself has done nothing wrong to me. 

For a bit of background, for those unaware. Half a year ago, one of my oldest Tumblr mutuals went to Nottingham for an exchange program. A few days before she went to the place, I got the invite to come over once she was settled and used to her new life. Victory at last I thought, as prior plans like that never brought the result we were hoping for. With a six month period, there should’ve been time enough for a meet-up. However, things did change quite a bit. After she met someone a few weeks into her exchange program, I was suddenly not welcome anymore. An odd reason to begin with, especially since it lasted a small amount of time and it never became official. Fastforward a bit, to Christmas and New Years Eve. After the cancellation I never heard of her again. Tumblr posts about a lonely Christmas and New Years Eve were uploaded numerous times, yet I never received a new invitation. The possible reason why didn’t come long after, when she uploaded a new post about her hook-up adventures and her latest hook-up plans with a new lad. I never asked, but I really do feel that’s the reason I was removed from the picture so suddenly. At last she got what she desired, and it didn’t matter from who. It does make me wonder, was this friendship a genuine one from her side, or was I only a means to an end? Whatever the case might be, I just can’t stand being dropped so far in the order. From the first one to get invited over, to seeing everyone else getting invited, even strangers, yet I remain out of sight. Whenever near complete strangers get prefered over you, you’ll have to think twice about the whole ordeal. It’s saddening that treating someone like this seems normal to a few people :/ That’s it for the Nottingham part

I do notice I’m still blocked. Not that I thought otherwise, but since I decided to write about Nottingham I was curious. Oh well, perhaps for the best. If an apology can’t be accepted I can’t do much more. The backlash I got for sharing my opinion is far greater than it should have been. But I guess that’s what happens when you mention your newest catch is a likely fuckboy. Should’ve pushed it a bit less (for which I apologized like I mentioned, btw, and promised I would keep it in mind next time), but to be ignored after that might be too much. Prove me wrong, instead of ignoring me I guess. I only want the best for my friends, and seeing one end up in the hands of a possible fuckboy ain’t something I’d like to see happen. It is what it is, however. Can’t force people to talk to me. At some point, you’ll have to pick yourself over others. And that’s the choice I eventually made. I can’t wait forever until I’m getting un-ignored. I won’t be hold prisoner.

Have to say, it’s a bit funny that I apparently should take all the shit they throw at me without complaining, yet the moment I both unfollow them on Tumblr they’ll notice it in no-time. Followed by their unfollow, of course. No questions, no message, nothing. Does indeed seem I made the right call. If they unfollow me without a second thought like that, it only confirms my suspicion and feeling.

Talking about funny, the only one who did send me a message only confirmed why my decision was just. A particular sentence is still stuck with me. She mentioned that, if I wanted to receive more messages (which I barely received from her despite claiming I was such a good friend), I should ask her. Well, newsflash, I did. Multiple times, various ways. Nothing seemed to work out. And now she’s apparently the victim, now her feelings were hurt. Bit hypocritical. Yes, it’s no fun being unfriended and removed from one’s address book, but if only she had made more time for me, even if it were just a few seconds each day, these actions of mine were not necessary. As the inspirational quotes go, it’s not about those who are too busy to have time for you, but about those who will make time for you. It’s not that I demand a message a day, but a bit more frequent then once every 3 months could be expected for one who claims I’m a good friend of theirs, right?

The last one still hasn’t noticed. Or has, but gave up long ago (as I unfriended this one months ago already on Facebook). Whatever it might be, no messages have been exchanged for quite some time. Another well made decision 

To conclude, still dealing with all the fuckeries I have faced these last few months, the decisions I made despite the pain they’ll initially cause, but slowly realizing that all my decisions considering these four have been the correct ones. The sadness of losing friends this way, while still being present, is fading little by little. The more time passed, the more I feel, and get proven, I made the right calls. And that, after all, is why I made those decisions: To come out of this situation stronger, and happier. And I’m achieving those goals :)

[robintheghost]

Looking at the events from the last few days, I can say I do think I indeed made the right decision. By now all those whose bridges I have burnt 3 weeks ago have noticed. Well, 3 out of 4, but since I burnt a part of the bridge with that 4th person half a year ago it’s no surprise I’m not hearing anything

This is, their reaction (or lack thereof) is telling. An unfollow is all I get. No call, no message. Not even an indirect post. I’m not surprised. This is what I expected. Yet I would’ve liked some more effort. Then again, if I were to get that effort, I wouldn’t have to burn bridges. The situation should be clear enough. I tried, but if others don’t care about me there’s not much more I can possibly do. At some point it has to be enough. It’s only saddening that only via this painful way it’ll become clear who somewhat cares about me and who don’t. If they did, I would expect to hear something. Seeing as that didn’t happen it only proves my gut feeling. It’s gonna be a few tough and rough days, but my reasoning about the whole ordeal has been strengthened 

And for the only one who did send me a message, I’m waiting once again for a reply despite making my point very clear. Some things never change, do they?

Bed time, tchau!

[robintheghost]

The loss was calculated, however it's still sad to see the calculation proving right. Sad to see a friendship go down the drain without even being send a message. Tho I guess that only confirms my initial suspicion. If that friendship were to be saved, I would expect less grudges and more talking. It can be so easy imo. Thing is, I can't wait forever. The whole Sarah situation has caused me enough mental harm already. I don't want to add a new name to that list Compliments where it's due however. That's the first out of four who have noticed. Two weeks, a bit faster and different than expected. Shame the result was the expected outcome