Examples of invalidation through emotional abuse
When people order you to feel differently
“You need to get over it.”
Telling you how you should feel
“You really shouldn’t let this bother you” “You should feel thankful that…”
When people minimize your feelings
“It’s not that bad.” “You’re being over dramatic”.
Attempting to use “logic” to invalidate you
“Let’s stick with the facts” “There’s no reason to be upset…”
Passing judgement and putting labels on you
Making it your problem/isolating you
“No one else feels this way” “It’s not bothering anyone but you”
Trying to make you feel guilty
“I was only trying to help you…” “You’re bringing everyone else down with your feelings”
None of these things are okay. And while the person saying/doing these things may not intend to be emotionally abusive, that doesn’t change the effects these words have.
(I do want to say that the “using logic” may be okay depending on your relationship. My best friend and I both have BPD, and we often go to each other for a “reality check” to help us figure out if our feelings fit the facts. But the way we word it matters too. And when I do it for her or myself, it isn’t to invalidate but to help sort through the feelings.)
Your feelings are valid. Even if they don’t “make sense”. You deserve the space to feel them. While you should be mindful of how you handle them, you aren’t wrong for having them.
And also… please try not to be one of the people saying these things to you. You don’t deserve to hear them from yourself either.
