Hey Stanley, Luciana and Mernel, Did I do something wrong?
This past year, I've only been regularly talking to literally three people. My two best friends, Stanley and Luciana, this girl Mernel. Along a couple people I talk to every once in a while, these three stopped talking to me, the worst part is, it's simultaneously. I understand that they've all got lives... Stanley has his set of friends, has a girlfriend, goes to school AND works two jobs. Luciana has her set of best friends, has a boyfriend and works two jobs as well. I don't really know Mernel too well, since she's half a country away and she's someone I knew from elementary and the last time I saw her was literally ten years ago, and she hasn't really told me much about her. What I do know is she goes to school, a prestigious ass school, one of the hardest universities to get into. So based on that I'm assuming that she's got a huge work load. And one time she told me that she doesn't really feel like talking sometimes. (I think she meant that, in general.) Or maybe that was her hinting at me? I don't know.
I've been friends with Stanley and Luciana for only a year and a half but us three became really good friends, really fast. And as far as I remember, we always just talked together literally every day, every night... So, I don't need to get much into detail about how important talking to them is. 'cause clearly we talked about anything, everything and nothing. And that is infinite happiness. Mernel, being the third person I talked most regularly to... We actually didn't talk that often. Ninety percent of the time, it's just me saying a lot of stuff and she just says a few things in response. I actually feel like she doesn't like talking to me. I'm almost certain that she doesn't like talking to me as much as I like talking to her. But I've told her (other than my two best friends) that talking to her is very sedating for me. (For those of you who don't know me, I've gone through and still go through a lot of shit in life. I've taken a toll from the past shit and the present shit.. So, I'm kinda fucked up sometimes... I'm a constant realistic, self deprecating pessimist who becomes heavily depressed and self harms, using physical pain as a means of escaping other pains.) Now, even though we don't really talk much, too often, just the fact that she's someone I feel comfortable opening up to, is a huge help to me already. 'cause clearly I don't like talking to a lot of people, let alone open up to them. 'cause I've totally opened up to the wrong people before, (which hurt me a lot more than the good talking to them should've done... Fuck.) She's that person I'd message anything just to try and get my mind off things, and that helps so much even if she doesn't even reply at all. Again, most of the time, I'd be sending her essay length messages when I'm in distress, or even when I'm just talkin' about something but I'm just being weird, typing long ass messages 'cause words mean a lot to me and so I try to be as clear as possible... she would reply with like a quarter length of however long my message is and that would make me happy already and provide me some emotional stability. I remember the first time I vented to her. I thanked her just for listening and she said "No worries, any time." A lot of people say that shit, ONLY BECAUSE IT'S THE CONVENTIONAL SOCIAL PROTOCOL, only because it's "The nice thing to do". But my soul hopes that she isn't one of those who just says that shit.
I haven't seen or hung out with Stanley and Luciana in three months... and we haven't really talked much within that time either... I've been messaging them a lot askin' to hang out and what not, texting them too, even just to ask what's up and stuff... but they didn't really do the same. I asked them to hang out like fifteen times and nothing really happened other than this one time they said reschedule, but they didn't even put effort to reschedule after that... they didn't even ask when I was next free... Like come on, how else am I supposed to feel about all of that? I'm not mad at them. I'm not even mad. Missing them just hurts pretty bad. As for Mernel, again, we don't really talk much in the first place, so that's kind of normal... I guess. I actually just think she doesn't like talking to me. Which is totally understandable. And I can accept it if she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore, or well... I can accept it much easier than not knowing if she doesn't like talking to me anymore or not. Again, I acknowledge the fact that everyone's got their own shit going on... But please don't get me wrong here... I'm not asking for reciprocation, 'cause I'm happy to say that Stanley and Luciana are the two people who have definitely reciprocated the way I feel about them. And I'm definitely not looking for reciprocation from Mernel 'cause I am in no position for that, even though I have told her and even shown her, what she's worth to me... and even if she knows a whole lot of stuff about me, as I said earlier, she doesn't actually tell me a lot of stuff about her, so she's practically, borderline, a stranger to me. But what I'm trying to say here is, a response from them would be nice... especially when I'm on the verge of breaking... or when I am breaking... or when I'm already broke. All I'm asking is for them to not forget that this insignificant someone is emotionally dependant on them.
Fuck, I can't take the fact that they all stopped talking to me at the same fucking time. 'cause I've been needing to talk to them since a lot of shit went down recently, which really fucked me up... Now, I'm still not asking for reciprocation... but I will be honest with you here... Them not liking me as a friend any more, has definitely crossed my mind. This is where ask... Did I do something wrong?
I just want you to know that I miss seeing you guys. I miss talking to you guys. I've been going through some shit recently and I've needed to talk to y'all but I don't know why you guys stopped talking to me. I was hurting from some life shit and I was seeking for your comfort. But now it hurts not knowing why you guys don't respond to me any more. Don't take that wrong either, that's just me being me, you know, paranoid and shit... always worried about saying the right thing or accidentally saying something that you may interpret incorrectly or some shit. If you guys don't wanna talk to me any more, please at least let me off easy... and just tell me straight up. 'cause this shit is killing me. Like, the fact that I feel like I said something wrong, feeling like I did something wrong for you guys to not respond is killing me. I'd totally understand, accept and respect it if you guys don't like me as a friend any more and choose to not talk to me any more, due to my constant negative personality and my self harming tendencies 'cause according to fucking society, to be happy and keep yourself happy and to better yourself as a person, you gotta surround yourself with positive people... and I'm the total antonym of that. So... yeah, just let me know what's up... Even if I get the worst case scenario, I'll still continue to admire you guys just the same.
