#stanluciaki

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Just Sayin' #53 - I'm real happy for once.

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howtobethugdere replied to your post: Just Sayin' #52

Have you tried reaching out to them?

Yeah, well, I have a handful of awesome friends, I asked two of them a lot, since December, but nothing worked out and at some point they kinda just didn't answer to things on time. So I stopped asking them. Within the 5 months, there were only two times when we were about to hang out but they said we had to reschedule but they didn't make the effort to ask me when I'm free next. (I didn't want to be the one to make the effort for that 'cause I've done everything I could already.) Being the one asking all the time is sickening, you know? I'd like to think they didn't stop liking me as a friend or something. But, that came to my head a bunch of times. The rest of the handful of people that I would do stuff with are good people, but we've definitely just drifted a bit. So that doesn't sadden me as much as not seeing my best friends. If I had to give the number of the only people I need to talk to and see regularly, it would be 3 at least, 5 max. One of them, Charles, is one of my best friends, no questions asked. The dude has a full time job and other people to commit to but he always makes time for me. Even when I'm broke, he asks me to hang out and pay for me just 'cause he wants me to be able to hang out with him and some other guys. Another would be Sasha, I've known her only for about a year, but she's been a really nice friend for the past several months, you know, putting a lot of effort to see me even though we're still new friends, she pays for me sometimes too. Now, two of those would be Stanley and Luciana, we usually hang as a trio. They're my best friends 'cause we just had a really awesome relationship right from the start of our friendship two years ago. It's not seeing these two that pains me the most. And yes, these are the two that I've reached out to a lot, of course, they're my best friends. But they said they were busy, which is true, they've got double jobs, school and relationships. But, five months is almost half a year, it's hard to think that they didn't have free time at some point... and not once did they ask me when I was free. While, I'm asked them weekly (at first), then just every two weeks maybe? And then more time passed and I kind of got sick of asking. I'd love to think that they didn't start disliking me 'cause of that. But again, in my head I was like, Hmm... maybe they don't wanna see me anymore. Then I flipped out. Sorry, I got carried away just now. Back to the point. I can't believe that in the span of the five months they didn't ask me not once, even just to hang out for half an hour. That hurt a lot. Especially when I needed them during a few times I hit rock bottom. *sigh* This response was probably a lot longer than what you were expecting. Sorry man. And as always, thanks.

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Hey Stanley, Luciana and Mernel, Did I do something wrong?

This past year, I've only been regularly talking to literally three people. My two best friends, Stanley and Luciana, this girl Mernel. Along a couple people I talk to every once in a while, these three stopped talking to me, the worst part is, it's simultaneously. I understand that they've all got lives... Stanley has his set of friends, has a girlfriend, goes to school AND works two jobs. Luciana has her set of best friends, has a boyfriend and works two jobs as well. I don't really know Mernel too well, since she's half a country away and she's someone I knew from elementary and the last time I saw her was literally ten years ago, and she hasn't really told me much about her. What I do know is she goes to school, a prestigious ass school, one of the hardest universities to get into. So based on that I'm assuming that she's got a huge work load. And one time she told me that she doesn't really feel like talking sometimes. (I think she meant that, in general.) Or maybe that was her hinting at me? I don't know.

I've been friends with Stanley and Luciana for only a year and a half but us three became really good friends, really fast. And as far as I remember, we always just talked together literally every day, every night... So, I don't need to get much into detail about how important talking to them is. 'cause clearly we talked about anything, everything and nothing. And that is infinite happiness. Mernel, being the third person I talked most regularly to... We actually didn't talk that often. Ninety percent of the time, it's just me saying a lot of stuff and she just says a few things in response. I actually feel like she doesn't like talking to me. I'm almost certain that she doesn't like talking to me as much as I like talking to her. But I've told her (other than my two best friends) that talking to her is very sedating for me. (For those of you who don't know me, I've gone through and still go through a lot of shit in life. I've taken a toll from the past shit and the present shit.. So, I'm kinda fucked up sometimes... I'm a constant realistic, self deprecating pessimist who becomes heavily depressed and self harms, using physical pain as a means of escaping other pains.) Now, even though we don't really talk much, too often, just the fact that she's someone I feel comfortable opening up to, is a huge help to me already. 'cause clearly I don't like talking to a lot of people, let alone open up to them. 'cause I've totally opened up to the wrong people before, (which hurt me a lot more than the good talking to them should've done... Fuck.) She's that person I'd message anything just to try and get my mind off things, and that helps so much even if she doesn't even reply at all. Again, most of the time, I'd be sending her essay length messages when I'm in distress, or even when I'm just talkin' about something but I'm just being weird, typing long ass messages 'cause words mean a lot to me and so I try to be as clear as possible... she would reply with like a quarter length of however long my message is and that would make me happy already and provide me some emotional stability. I remember the first time I vented to her. I thanked her just for listening and she said "No worries, any time." A lot of people say that shit, ONLY BECAUSE IT'S THE CONVENTIONAL SOCIAL PROTOCOL, only because it's "The nice thing to do". But my soul hopes that she isn't one of those who just says that shit.

I haven't seen or hung out with Stanley and Luciana in three months... and we haven't really talked much within that time either... I've been messaging them a lot askin' to hang out and what not, texting them too, even just to ask what's up and stuff... but they didn't really do the same. I asked them to hang out like fifteen times and nothing really happened other than this one time they said reschedule, but they didn't even put effort to reschedule after that... they didn't even ask when I was next free... Like come on, how else am I supposed to feel about all of that? I'm not mad at them. I'm not even mad. Missing them just hurts pretty bad. As for Mernel, again, we don't really talk much in the first place, so that's kind of normal... I guess. I actually just think she doesn't like talking to me. Which is totally understandable. And I can accept it if she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore, or well... I can accept it much easier than not knowing if she doesn't like talking to me anymore or not. Again, I acknowledge the fact that everyone's got their own shit going on... But please don't get me wrong here... I'm not asking for reciprocation, 'cause I'm happy to say that Stanley and Luciana are the two people who have definitely reciprocated the way I feel about them. And I'm definitely not looking for reciprocation from Mernel 'cause I am in no position for that, even though I have told her and even shown her, what she's worth to me... and even if she knows a whole lot of stuff about me, as I said earlier, she doesn't actually tell me a lot of stuff about her, so she's practically, borderline, a stranger to me. But what I'm trying to say here is, a response from them would be nice... especially when I'm on the verge of breaking... or when I am breaking... or when I'm already broke. All I'm asking is for them to not forget that this insignificant someone is emotionally dependant on them.

  Fuck, I can't take the fact that they all stopped talking to me at the same fucking time. 'cause I've been needing to talk to them since a lot of shit went down recently, which really fucked me up... Now, I'm still not asking for reciprocation... but I will be honest with you here... Them not liking me as a friend any more, has definitely crossed my mind. This is where ask... Did I do something wrong?

I just want you to know that I miss seeing you guys. I miss talking to you guys. I've been going through some shit recently and I've needed to talk to y'all but I don't know why you guys stopped talking to me. I was hurting from some life shit and I was seeking for your comfort. But now it hurts not knowing why you guys don't respond to me any more. Don't take that wrong either, that's just me being me, you know, paranoid and shit... always worried about saying the right thing or accidentally saying something that you may interpret incorrectly or some shit. If you guys don't wanna talk to me any more, please at least let me off easy... and just tell me straight up. 'cause this shit is killing me. Like, the fact that I feel like I said something wrong, feeling like I did something wrong for you guys to not respond is killing me. I'd totally understand, accept and respect it if you guys don't like me as a friend any more and choose to not talk to me any more, due to my constant negative personality and my self harming tendencies 'cause according to fucking society, to be happy and keep yourself happy and to better yourself as a person, you gotta surround yourself with positive people... and I'm the total antonym of that. So... yeah, just let me know what's up... Even if I get the worst case scenario, I'll still continue to admire you guys just the same.

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@StanLuci 2

So, Imma get cheesy widdit again. But before that, here's what I wrote about you two last year. What I wrote this year is under it.

"@StanLuci

@StanLuci So, I’ve only actually been friends with you two since August, I can’t believe that’s only four months ago, it feels like I’ve been friends with you two a bit longer than that! Sorry I’m weird, like the bad kind of weird sometimes… or most times… I honestly do believe that those few “practice” days we had before our performances will remain a few of the awesomest times of my life; Jamming under trees, in the middle of a grass field, in my t.v. room, in my basement, at the basketball courts outside… IN THE DARK, Stan touching the rim, Luci not even able to jump higher than two inches. You two singing that one part in that one Michael Buble song “And you know!” in a funny manner! You two coming to the Filipino fiesta at my backyard. Late night real talks. Luci playing jenga for the first time, which happened at my house! Serendipity, tomato soup, crackers with the Romanian dip stuff and that Romanian pasta dessert stuff which were both really amazing. That time I bought you guys a dozen assorted Krispy Kreme doughnuts each! ‘cause you both never had Krispy Kreme before. That one night when you two picked me up from my place after my work to chill with me ‘cause Luci couldn’t come to my birthday dinner so she gave me some Romanian food at her place. Those cabbage rolls, and more amazing Romanian food with names that I can’t even pronounce. The ten year thing that us three joked about (which is going to be real by the way.) The moment when Stan and I made you promise that, no matter what happens, you’ll find/contact us before you get married, to invite us to your wedding and force your future husband to make Stan and I a couple of his best men too. That time you two picked me up from my house to hang out and then we just ended up sitting in Stan’s car… and you two napped… You two made the last quarter of 2011 some kind of wonderful for me. @Stan Steeze, thanks for helpin’ me out and bein’ part of my first performances ever, I know you’re really busy and tired all the time, thanks for makin’ time for Luc and I, thanks for being the one that offered me help when I ran from home, thanks for all the bro talks about girl stuff, life in general and how to try and deal with shitty things, thanks for makin’ me laugh (in my head) every time you cared so freaking much about the pettiest things. That time I said I was really glad that you all came for my birthday and you said “No Aki, we’re all happy that we came.” Thanks for being Stan.

@Luci LuciMane, thanks for helpin’ me out and bein’ part of my first performances ever too! I was so glad when you replied to me, sayin’ you were down to perform with me, ‘cause I figured it was the start of something good, and so far I can say that I was right. Thanks for cookin’ us breakfast that one morning practice at your house, LuciCrepes are awesome. “Are you ready?!” (In cute Luci voice HAHA!), thanks for neutralizing my negativity, sometimes you actually make me stop being the realistic pessimist that I am (just for a little while haha), thanks for teaching me the ways of fighting with niceness (though I hadn’t used it, and don’t know if I’d ever have to). That time I rung the bell at your work. I’m glad that I was the one who introduced Arizona to you, Dropping off Arizona tea drinks for you at work. Don’t get mad at him, but, Stanley told me that you said “I’ll be there, rain or shine!” for my birthday dinner… and you ended up not being able to come, but you had finals that night and the restaurant was far down town SO IT’S OKAY! Haha I just brought it up to say that I’m grateful just for the fact that you really wanted to be there. But you really did put effort to make up for it! Thanks for the awesome green shirt, skittles, maynards and the strawberry pushpop which took for ever to finish and the real talk that night. Thanks for the abundance of Romanian food that I had fortunately been able to stuff my face with. Thanks for setting our little past aside. Thanks for being Luci. We’ll see what happens in Ten Years.

- Aki "

-------- And now for this year... @StanLuci Havin' finally goin' through a full year as StanLuciAki made me realize that you two are and will be my awesomest friends. Period. We had so many good times this year! A lot of 'em were just us sitting and talkin' usually at Luci's or my basement... but damn... those felt good.  The one when I took you two inside the forest. The one with the squirrel! WHEN STAN TOOK US TO THAT AWESOME SPOT WITH ALL THE GRAFFITI!!! The one when you two visited me at like two or three in the morning and you guys were throwing pebbles at my window but I was already asleep... so you guys just went home... haha. The times we ate at that place Luci goes to... I forgot what it's called something something something Prarie? HAHAYO. All the fail jam sessions we had! We didn't even come up with anything new... damn, we gotta get on that. Breakfast with friends! Napping in Stan's car. Us taking turns who gets to pick what we're doing when we hang out... The one when went to Stanley Park and just ate chips... nothing else but chips! HAHAHAHA. Luci's Halloween Party! My birthday! BEST BIRTHDAY EVER SO FAR! <3 Cheesecake. Pizza. Watching Friends. Talkin' 'til 3AM. OWL of the presents you two got me! <3 Stanley's performance! Stanley's birthday! Frickin' missed out on the food making 'cause I got in a fight and shit... but that day ended up being so awesome 'cause of Captain Bearmerica! Then we ended up doin' so much walkin' at Metro like holyyyy, but then we were together so it was kew. CHRISTMAS WAS AWESOME 'cause I was really happy I was able to give you two awesome presents and you guys lurved them. Damn, so many good times but I can't remember all of them! *bad friend sad face* D: So... Onto the bad times... I went through a lot of shit this year... and I'm glad I had you two 'cause you two will actually be there for me. Unlike everyone else who will just tell me "Sorry to hear that Aki." When I got kicked out... I didn't want Luci to worry 'cause I know she's a worrier, but seeing you guys once or twice around that time kept me sane. My potential moving away to Japan and or the States... I got depressed and self inflicting then disappeared from you two, 'cause I thought I was gonna lose people I cared about, lose my family, lose you two... so I was trying to desensitize myself by refraining from seeing or communicating with you two... You guys got really concerned 'cause I was missing for a while. Then you guys came to my house, and it was like an intervention, and you guys asked me what was goin' on and then I had to explain all of that... I almost cried and shit, my eyes were watery and shit... I don't know if you guys noticed that hahayo. Then you guys were giving me advice... and then Luci said "We're not just here for the good times." That hit me in the heart so hard. <3 Ugh. I'm really thankful for you two. Thanks for being StanLuci. @Stan Half of our good times wouldn't have happened as easily if it weren't for you... and your car. Hahayo. Thanks for havin' my back in practically everything br0... all the good advice! Just so you know, I didn't think my first Owl plushie would be from a guy. HAHAHAHA GAYEEEE plz. Thanks for being Stan. @Luci More than half of our good times wouldn't have happened as easily if it weren't for you... letting us chill at your place. Hahayo. YOU FEED US A LOT. SEWWWW GEWWWD. I just wanna tell you that, for most cases, you're like my sedative. When I'm just goin' insane, you calm me down and I needed that a lot this year since I went through quite a bit of shit. You made my birthday this year, the most awesome birthday I've ever had, the best one so far! I can't stress that enough! Stay q, stay q. Thanks for being Luci. Nine Years. - Aki

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Shit My Friends Say #17

"Aki... I don't say 'frick' a lot... but when I do... I mean it." - Luciana 

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Shit My Friends Say #12

"Hey, Luciana! Can I make you an instagram on my phone, so I can have another follower?" - Stanley 

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@StanLuci

@StanLuci So, I've only actually been friends with you two since August, I can't believe that's only four months ago, it feels like I've been friends with you two a bit longer than that! Sorry I'm weird, like the bad kind of weird sometimes... or most times... I honestly do believe that those few "practice" days we had before our performances will remain a few of the awesomest times of my life; Jamming under trees, in the middle of a grass field, in my t.v. room, in my basement, at the basketball courts outside... IN THE DARK, Stan touching the rim, Luci not even able to jump higher than two inches. You two singing that one part in that one Michael Buble song "And you know!" in a funny manner! You two coming to the Filipino fiesta at my backyard. Late night real talks. Luci playing jenga for the first time, which happened at my house! Serendipity, tomato soup, crackers with the Romanian dip stuff and that Romanian pasta dessert stuff which were both really amazing. That time I bought you guys a dozen assorted Krispy Kreme doughnuts each! 'cause you both never had Krispy Kreme before. That one night when you two picked me up from my place after my work to chill with me 'cause Luci couldn't come to my birthday dinner so she gave me some Romanian food at her place. Those cabbage rolls, and more amazing Romanian food with names that I can't even pronounce. The ten year thing that us three joked about (which is going to be real by the way.) The moment when Stan and I made you promise that, no matter what happens, you'll find/contact us before you get married, to invite us to your wedding and force your future husband to make Stan and I a couple of his best men too. That time you two picked me up from my house to hang out and then we just ended up sitting in Stan's car... and you two napped... You two made the last quarter of 2011 some kind of wonderful for me. @Stan Steeze, thanks for helpin' me out and bein' part of my first performances ever, I know you're really busy and tired all the time, thanks for makin' time for Luc and I, thanks for being the one that offered me help when I ran from home, thanks for all the bro talks about girl stuff, life in general and how to try and deal with shitty things, thanks for makin' me laugh (in my head) every time you cared so freaking much about the pettiest things. That time I said I was really glad that you all came for my birthday and you said “No Aki, we’re all happy that we came.” Thanks for being Stan.

@Luci LuciMane, thanks for helpin' me out and bein' part of my first performances ever too! I was so glad when you replied to me, sayin' you were down to perform with me, 'cause I figured it was the start of something good, and so far I can say that I was right. Thanks for cookin' us breakfast that one morning practice at your house, LuciCrepes are awesome. "Are you ready?!" (In cute Luci voice HAHA!), thanks for neutralizing my negativity, sometimes you actually make me stop being the realistic pessimist that I am (just for a little while haha), thanks for teaching me the ways of fighting with niceness (though I hadn't used it, and don't know if I'd ever have to). That time I rung the bell at your work. I'm glad that I was the one who introduced Arizona to you, Dropping off Arizona tea drinks for you at work. Don't get mad at him, but, Stanley told me that you said "I'll be there, rain or shine!" for my birthday dinner... and you ended up not being able to come, but you had finals that night and the restaurant was far down town SO IT'S OKAY! Haha I just brought it up to say that I'm grateful just for the fact that you really wanted to be there. But you really did put effort to make up for it! Thanks for the awesome green shirt, skittles, maynards and the strawberry pushpop which took for ever to finish and the real talk that night. Thanks for the abundance of Romanian food that I had fortunately been able to stuff my face with. Thanks for setting our little past aside. Thanks for being Luci. We'll see what happens in Ten Years. - Aki 

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LARACS: Luciana: Made a wrong turn, once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire Bad decisions, that’s alright Welcome to my silly life Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss, no way it’s all good, it didn’t slow me down Mistaken, always second guessing underestimated, look, I’m still around Aki: What did your parents feed you as a kid to have you turn out as beautiful as you did was it a lot of gerber or a ton of bear brand ‘cause you’re pretty for sure, down to the hair strand you got nice skin, a nice smile, and even nicer eyes you da type of girl, that makes a guy really shy skin like a japanese, make a guy wanna squeeze say onegai senorita, be my lady please you’re smile, it’s the best i’ve seen in a while smile so radiant, you can be seen from a mile looks so innocent, i’m shook’d though, you listenin? eyes so vibrant and i’m hooked, you’re fisherman, yeah your pupils are intense man, they’re deeper than a well and it’s a place that I really wouldn’t mind a bit to dwell in your irises are sexy, like damn on my list yes you’d make it, hands down Luciana: Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel like you’re less than, less than perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me Aki: I like it when you smile ‘cause your eyes squint if pretty was a number, you’re more than a ten judging by the assets you were given I bet it really hurt when you fell from heaven you au naturale, actual no fake shit type of girl, a guy wouldn’t find a replacement wouldn’t be a need for a substitute couldn’t even breathe, yes, you are that cute you’re fine the way you are, but you say you’re not you’re shiny like a star, so please girl stop you’re pretty as it is, no need for make up you’re not fatty,jeez, stop thinking that, yup you’re way concerened with what everyone thinks if they observed, I didn’t even blink you da type of girl, that’s so kind, smart and cute I’m actually surprised that no one’s with you Luciana: Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel Like you’re less than, less than perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me Video taken by my good, good family friend Cassie