So.... mental health update, since last week I was having major panic attacks. So, I have come to the serious conclusion that I can not take antidepressants. A lot has happened in the last week actually. I went into psychosis due to extreme sleep deprivation and not eating enough. I was hallucinating and having such a horrible time discerning reality and when my mum finally started taking me to the emergency room, I was hearing things. I also had come to the conclusion that I was the incarnation of Hitler at one point and I was being taken to the hospital to have my soul “cleansed”. Yeah. Lol sounds pretty funny now but trust me, I was scared. I thought that if I fell asleep that I was going to wake up as my twelve year old self passed out in the shower again and have to relive my life from that point. I was seriously psychotic. And I was angry too. I was taken to the hospital where at this point I was in a lot of pain in my stomach from not eating. I deluded myself into thinking I was impregnated by a monster in my attic and I while I kept having diarrhea due to my body dysfunctioning, I had somehow convinced myself that I was pregnant and that it was with some kind of monster baby.... Honestly. You can’t make this shit up. It was the scariest time of my life EVER. I don’t remember a lot of it. I just remember how scared I was. I thought planes were going to start crashing everywhere and I even started to think none of my friends had been real. Before I went to the hospital, my sister had had me take 2 over the counter sleeping pills which had not made me sleep for some reason (every time I started to fall asleep I was jerked awake with a voice in my head telling me to wake up or I was going to die), and then apparently my parents gave me two more of those pills later and I still did not sleep... When I was in the hospital, The doctor took 6 vials of blood and gave me some kind of anti-anxiety pill. I told my mum to leave and she left in tears. Then they gave me a damn tv remote and I lay there watching tv waiting to be admitted to the mental health ward. I just remember putting on Star Trek and laughing a lot for no reason. By that time I guess the anxiety med had kicked in and although I was still confused and out of it and refused to fall asleep, I wasn’t freaking out anymore. They put me in a wheel chair and took me to the mental ward or whatever it’s called. I really really stank and so I begged to have a shower, they gave me some kind of sleeping pill. They let me take a shower and put a “fall risk” on my wrist because I was having dizzy spells. There was a chair in the shower so that was nice. Honestly. I wouldn’t take the experience back. It was frightening but eventually the sleeping meds they gave me knocked my ass out and I slept, woke up frightened again shivering confused. They took my vitals and I had high blood pressure. I can’t remember what they gave me. Probably anti-anxiety meds again or something. But I went back to sleep. Eventually they woke me up. I asked what day it is and I shit you not, it was TUESDAY. lol I laughed pretty hard about that actually once I was alone. After that it was either participate in group and eat, or pretty much be forced to stay there, so. Yeah. Group was great though. I’d never had therapy before. And then when the actual doctor/psychiatrist came to see me he basically interviewed me for my life story. I told him everything. Even the extremely personal and traumatic stuff. And he validated my emotions. I’m not going to go into detail because some of you already know about my past experiences and trauma if you’ve talked to me privately. And I also don’t want to bring it up again. But I’m not living with my parents anymore. My family loves me and things are changing radically with my parents. I think this scared the shit out of them. I moved in with my best friends and I’m super happy about it. I have a therapy session tomorrow. I’m unemployed again cuz I had to quit my job while I was sick. And honestly, I couldn’t go back. It was causing me to have massive panic attacks. I don’t think a desk job is right for me. I need to be active and moving and helping people in person, not over the phone. Plus, most of the people that called in treat you like absolute shit and I’m just too sensitive for that 5 days a week lol. I quit smoking weed cold turkey. In all honesty that may have contributed to that mental breakdown, along with that stupid wellbutrin that drove me up the wall, and then I was also really sick for a week and on cold medicine and had withdrawal from that that gave me the shakes. And then some family shit was getting to me too since I was no longer self medicating like I had been for the last year. And yeah. Then I didn’t get rem sleep for what I think was 6 days..? And I couldn’t eat. Every time I tried to I felt nauseous. I should have known something was wrong when I couldn’t eat my cheeseburger. I had lost 10 pounds when I went in to the hospital.
But yeah. I’m good now. I’m better now than I’ve ever been actually. And I think I’m at a huge turning point in my life. I’m drug free. Pot free mainly lol. I’ve cut out all stimulants, no more coffee. The biggest thing I’m trying to get used to again, is the vivid dreaming. Marijuana is great but I was using it to numb myself. I was using it as a coping mechanism. I feel very strongly that it is something I can only use occasionally and recreationally. Like alcohol.
Anyway. If you read all this, thanks for listening! I’m feeling better and more like myself than I have in a long time. And my parents are being extremely supportive. I had visited them last night and they wanted to watch Supernatural with me. It was.... weird. And great lol. My dad watched the pilot with me and liked it but said, and I quote, “I feel fucked up from this.” lol we also watched the Changing Channels episode because my mum loves Gray’s Anatomy. They both seemed to enjoy it but I know they were really just watching it to be with me and that made me feel really really happy. I’m crying a lot of happy tears lately. I’m really happy. This is such a turning point and I can’t believe it happened. My parents know everything now. And they’re trying to make up for a lot of shit they feel they’re responsible for which they are but hey, they’re actually taking responsibility and working to fix things so what more can I ask for!!? I never in my wildest dreams, imagined that my parents would be so supportive and apologetic and just... They’re being so caring and want to rebuild things. And that’s just... amazing actually lol. I’m thankful for my family. I mean, I’ve never hated my parents or been so angry that I would disown them but I have been holding in soooooo much for years and now, I don’t have to. It’s weird lol... but great.
I plan on finding a part time job by the end of the month after I revamp my resume a little. And my mum even found a technical institute that offers creative writing courses and other 6 to 24 week courses that I can take since I think a university would just stress me out. And my Dad said he’d pay for it so... yeah. It all feels like a dream really. I never thought I could be this happy and on such positive terms with my parents. And I met some really great people in that mental ward. I’m really grateful and thankful that I’m ok.
