#mhasarah

[mental-health-advice]

Ive always been insecure about my appearance, but lately it's gotten awful. I dont want to leave my house bc Im thinking about my looks. My main insecurities are my nose + my weight. I think this comes from my mum moaning at me about my weight from 5 y/o to present (but she says it in a nicer way the last yearish) + bullying. I'm beginning to think I have body dysmorphia because I avoid people looking at me and I'm constantly thinking about the way I look. What can I do?!?? Tag as jeannie

Hi Jeannie,

I’m sorry to hear that this is such a struggle for you! Ifit’s any consolation, I think this is a really common problem and you’redefinitely not alone.

My first question for you would be, are you in therapy atthe moment? If not, that might be a good thing to look into. It might seemscary, but it’s also really helpful and it can help you figure out how to undosome of your fears that may be unfounded. If you’re truly in a state where youcan’t leave your house, then I can imagine that this issue has a profoundimpact on your life, and you deserve to get help for it. And the good news itthat when it comes to therapy, there are ways to find people who specialize inhelping people with certain issues, so you can factor that into your search.Anyway, you can read more about getting help here.

The truth is, everyone you meet when you leave the house isgoing to be worrying more about themselves than about what you’re doing. I knowthat can be hard to believe, especially in the moment, and if you’ve struggledwith this for a long time then it may be something you’ve heard before. But itis true, and I still think it’s still worth putting out there.

In the meantime, is there anyone in your life right now thatyou feel like you trust enough to reach out to? Maybe you might be more willingto be outside your house if you know you’re with someone who won’t judge you;sometimes just having someone like that around can help reduce your anxiety.You could also try rewarding yourself in some way whenever you do manage to getout of the house—that could be with Netflix, a new dessert, a fun activity—whateverworks for you, really. But based on what you’ve said here, I think you shouldtry therapy first.

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

[mental-health-advice]

hi! i took a couple of bipolar tests online ( may i add that it clearly stated that these results should not be taken as a diagnosis or a recommendation for therapy ) and i scored moderately to severe. i was wondering if that means i should at least take these results into consideration and talk to my parents about it?

Hi there,

Thanks for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m gladyou already realize that taking online tests like that should not be used as adiagnostic tool, though I’m still gonna link you to our page explaining theproblems with self-diagnosis just so you can look it over.

Anyway, my main question for you is, why did you take thesetests? Sometimes people do that kind of thing just because they’re bored, andthat’s totally fine, but if that’s the only reason you were looking this stuffup then you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

However, more often than not I think that people take thosetests because certain symptoms have been troubling them lately, and they wantto figure out if there’s something going on. If you think that may be a reasonwhy you took the tests, then yeah, I’d say it’s worth speaking up about.

As for how this conversation will go, there are things youcan do to make it go more smoothly. For one thing, you might try to talk toyour parents one-on-one if you think that might be less intimidating. You alsodon’t necessarily have to present it as this big, dramatic presentation; justslip it in casually. Make sure it’s at a time when both parties have energy andwon’t be distracted or interrupted by other things.

If you know that your parents have a tendency to beinsensitive or not understanding when it comes to issues of mental health, itmight help to have the conversation in the presence of someone you trust who isunderstanding and can back you up, or maybe to enter the conversation preparedwith resources on bipolar disorder. But no matter what, remember that yourproblems are valid and you deserve to get help.

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

[mental-health-advice]

I've got bpd but it's mostly self diagnosed. It's a pretty awesome guess, really. But I dunno, I've tried to live like it doesn't exists but it certainly does, and I'm wondering if I should start you know, like telling people close to me what I have and how to be around me so I don't lose my shit, or how to handle me when I do, but I don't want to seem crazy??? Is there a gray between the two?

Hi there,

So before anything else, I think the first thing I’m goingto recommend that you do is get a professional diagnosis. We don’t supportself-diagnosis for the reasons outlined here, and even though getting adiagnosis can be a complicated process, it’s really important that you do that,and it will hopefully make it easier to get treatment!

To be clear, the fact that you don’t have a diagnosisdoesn’t mean you don’t have real problems in your relationships. Whateveryou’re going through is valid, and you’re right that telling people what’sgoing on before it happens might make it easier for them to understand ifthings do go wrong.

In order to have this conversation, it might be best to talkto your friends one at a time. Pick a time when both of you are calm and in agood mood, and just explain that you’ve been going through a lot lately andthat you just want to give them a heads up (this might be another good reasonto get a diagnosis, because you can frame the diagnosis as a piece of news). Explainto the best of your ability what happens when you get in these states, and whatyou need from your friends when you get like this.

As for how to tell people without sounding crazy (and, moregenerally, deciding who to tell), it might help you to first do a type ofscreening test, if you will, by casually dropping mental illness intoconversation and seeing how your friends react. If they seem to have asupportive and understanding view, then that’s great, and you can considertelling them. But if they seem a bit more disdainful, then it’s okay to decideto keep that part of yourself hidden from them, at least for the time being. Whatmatters most is that you surround yourself with people who support you.

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

[mental-health-advice]

I fought with and lost a friend from 2016 into the first day of 2017. I feel awful. What do I do? - Brie

Hi Brie, 

I’m really sorry to hear that this happened to you! Losingfriends is always really painful, especially when it ends in a fight.

Do you still see your former friend on a regular basis(e.g., because you go to school together and/or live near each other)? If not,then that certainly makes things easier, because I think one of the mostimportant things you need right now is distraction. Stay busy. Devote your timeto not only the friends you do have, but also the things that excite you,especially things that help go towards your future goals. The more you find you’reable to look forward, the less pain you’ll feel overall.

If you do have to see this person all the time, try to makethe most of it. Smile and nod at them in passing, and the moment they’re out ofyour sight go back to distracting yourself. This might be easier if you’rewalking with other friends of yours at the time; I think it’s okay to make sureyou have other friends around when you know you’ll probably run into yourformer friend.

As for the fight itself, is there any way you can reflect onit? Of course, I have no idea what happened, and for all I know maybe it wastotally her fault. But I think statistically speaking, personal conflicts arealways at least partly the fault of both parties. I say this because while shemay not accept an apology from you, that doesn’t have to stop you from looking backon what happened and maybe taking something from the situation that you canremember for the future. Personally I find doing so to be really empowering,but it’s up to you whether or not you want to do that.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think any friendships are awaste of time, even if they’re temporary and end badly. Over time you mightfind yourself able to look back on the more positive moments you had with thisperson and feel genuinely happy—because the bad doesn’t erase the good. But youcan cross that bridge when you get to it.

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

[mental-health-advice]

Hiii, I have severe emetephobia (fear of vomiting) which causes high amounts of anxiety... do you have any help or advice? It's really ruining and taking over my life :(

Hi there,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with this!Phobias are definitely no fun, but there are lots of ways to work through them!

First, have you considered seeing a professional aboutdealing with your phobia? There are lots of therapists out there who specializein helping people deal with phobias, and I’m sure they would be happy to helpyou. You can find more information about getting help here.

If you do decide to go, there’s a good chance that yourtherapist will suggest a method called exposure and response prevention. DuringERP, you will be gradually exposed to your fear in increasingly more directways (for example, you may begin with just thinking about it, then hearing it,then seeing a picture of it, and so on). This form of therapy can be verytaxing, but it’s important to remember that an important aspect of ERP is thatyou’ll be taught to do relaxation techniques while being exposed to what you’reafraid of. This works because your brain won’t be able to be scared and relaxedat the same time, and eventually your overall fear response lowers. It’s beenshown to be a really successful therapy if you decide to stick with it.

Anyway, sometimes phobias can be caused by a lack ofinformation. Do you think that might be the case? I don’t know the details so I’mjust throwing that out there, but if you think that might apply to you, you maywant to consider looking up information. Again, don’t forget that you can dothis in the context of a therapist’s office where you’ll be completely safe.

Finally, if people are making fun of you or trying toprovoke you by setting off your phobia, don’t hesitate to stick up foryourself. Do your best to stay calm (which means both not getting scared andnot getting angry), and leave the situation if at all possible. Just know thatit’s not okay for them to do that, and you should be with people who respectyou. (I realize that you didn’t mention this in your message, but as a generalpoint I still want to make sure you know that.)

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

[mental-health-advice]

I just overheard my mom say "what she is going through is just some stupid teenage stuff", and im sitting listening to that with self harm scars down my thighs... I tell them that im depressed and that i want help for it.. i have even told them i want to kill myself because im so unhappy, but they obviously see it as something minor, like If a kid says "I'll run away from home". That's how they see it, something insignifigent. I dont know what to do... Am i just being stupid? #Noa

Hi Noa,

I’m sorry you had to overhear that conversation! It’sreally, really hard when it feels like your own family doesn’t support you, butit helps to remember that that doesn’t mean you’re alone!

Now, this doesn’t justify your mother’s behavior at all, butit might help to remember that sometimes parents minimize their childrens’ mentalhealth issues because it’s scary to think that someone you love might have aserious problem. So she might be putting your statement that you want to killyourself on the same level as a kid saying they want to run away because doingso is a defense mechanism that keeps her from feeling too scared and helpless.She might also (subconsciously) worry that it’s her fault you’re acting likethis or that she did something wrong. That doesn’t make what you’re goingthrough any easier though! Either way, I also want to say that it was kind ofinsensitive of her to say that kind of thing in a context where you could hearit, even if she didn’t know you were around at the time. You’re not beingstupid for feeling upset about this.

It’s hard to know how to proceed without knowing whom yourmom was talking to. Was this a conversation she had over the phone, or withsomeone else in the house? Was it a friend, or a family member? Why was shetalking about you in the first place? I ask this because it’s possible that shemade that comment in response to someone who said they were worried about you,and if you felt comfortable enough, do you think you could reach out to thatperson? If anything, it’s evidence that there’s someone on your side.

Anyway, I’m really sorry to hear that you already tried toask for help and it backfired. Can you try getting a GP on your side? If youmake an appointment to see them and explain how you’re feeling, and they agreethat you need an evaluation, then that might shake your parents out of the ideathat this isn’t a big deal. If you can’t do that, I still recommend trying toget someone else to back you up on this, preferably another family member thatyour mom is really close to. It’s unfortunate that your word isn’t enough toget her to listen to you, but you deserve to get help, and right now it’simportant that you do whatever you can to get it.

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

[mental-health-advice]

kinda urgent ish: so i HATE presentations (weird cause i'm a theater kid lmao) i usually can only get through one or two sentences before freaking out and leaving the room having a panic attack. i have a major one on monday and my teacher is kinda an idiot when it comes to this kinda thing. i get anxious just thinking about it. im so scared that i will freak out and fail, bc it's finals week and stress is high. any advice?- blue

Hi blue,

Thanks for getting in touch with us here at MHA! I’m sorrywe weren’t able to answer this before your presentation; unfortunately, we’renot able to prioritize time-sensitive questions. But I hope your presentationwent well, and I hope the advice I give can help you in the future!

It’s unfortunate that your teacher isn’t very supportive. Iwonder, though, do you have friends in your class? Are they friends that youfeel like you could open up to about this? If so, then it might help you tomention that you’re a little nervous, if only in passing. I say this becausethere have been presentations that I was nervous about and it would help me toglance over at whichever friend of mine was there, because they would smile atme and that helped me keep going.

Friends who aren’t in your class can help you too though!Again, if you feel comfortable enough, you could ask a friend if they wouldlisten to your presentation, just so you can get used to presenting in front ofpeople. The more times you practice it, the more comfortable you’ll feel whenyou actually have the presentation because you’ll know what you’re doing.

Even if you don’t have anyone in your life you can reach outto though, there are still things you can do to make it easier! Most of thathas to do with taking time to get ready the morning of the presentation. Makesure you get up early enough so that you’re not rushed and have time to gathereverything you need (not to mention, y’know, have a good breakfast). If yourpresentation involves electronics, it might be a good idea to get to class alittle early to make sure that everything’s working properly. Just keepbreathing slowly throughout the presentation (and feel free to use more methodsfor calming anxiety and panic here). Overall, it might help to realize thatgetting through this doesn’t mean that you can’t get scared; it just means thatyou’re going to do it anyway.

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

[mental-health-advice]

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Despite it being generally good, I find myself feeling trapped. He lives with my family, and due to his circumstances, he relies on me for many of his needs. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I want out of the relationship, but I also still love him. I also don't want him to feel as though he needs to find a new place to live. Every time I try to think of a solution, I find myself feeling really guilty. --Seven

Hi Seven, 

Wow, that sounds like a really tough situation! That’s a lotof responsibility on your shoulders, and it’s okay to ask for help to take someof it off.

This ask isn’t terribly detailed so I don’t know what yourboyfriend’s circumstances are, but I think this is something you should bringup with your parents or guardians.* Do they have any ideas for how yourboyfriend can be more self-sufficient? I don’t think it’s wrong to take stepsto help him get to that point, even if it’s something as simple as finding ajob or getting his license. It is important that he figure out how to do thosethings at some point, and I don’t think you should feel guilty about helpinghim get to that point.

What I will say is that it has nothing to do with how muchyou love him—in fact, I think helping him help himself is very much an act oflove in and of itself. And even if your romantic relationship becomes poisonedin the process, that doesn’t mean you love him any less, either. There are manydifferent types of love, and they can be expressed in many different ways.

I hope all of this helps you. Best of luck!

Sarah

*Note that I’m interpreting the term ‘family’ as you andyour parents (and possible siblings), but I also realize that it could mean youand your kids. If that’s the case, then maybe talking to a counselor would beyour best option. Perhaps a family therapist?