Feeling down, My mind is Haunted Territory.
PSA: Yes. They know. [[who would want this FECKING kind of life???]]
Um... THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WAS "BORN WITH"... These voices are V2K, MKULTRA, MILABS, and they put into my Young, under 8 yrs old, mind, DUNCE PROGRAMMING, and SELF LOATHING, encouraged Self Harm, and so much more, Promising to drive me Insane, threatening as I tried to wake society from it's slumber.... But Im trying to focus on myself, but, ???? I have nothing ??? Im embarrassed of my worn clothes, not having things to eat, an empty wallet, and the cats are mayyybe a little spoiled, okay they are Prince and Princess, I have Princess Programming, and PRINCE actually, they made me like this, and I so bad, wish I had just... I dont want to be dead, exactly, I just.. want to be somewhere, anywhere, with the means to live a happy life.
MY SHRINK KNOWS THROUGH MY EYES & MY VERSION OF LIFE IS FULL OF VERY SUICIDAL IDEATION. Ive watched documentaries on it. Like nothing is wrong, I'd just rather be dead, it appears to be mostly women, and Ive tried, years and years ago, racking up to well I aint gonna say, but a lot okay??, plus, overpartying .. going past limits, I REALLY WANTED TO GO, OKAY. Who wants a life of "being crazy" and on medication forever and ever, and feeling like EVEN G-D betrayed them, to be a SRA / Mkultra / Milabs victim, this FUCKING SUCKS, as well as being a Transgender man. There is no plan. No plan at all, I don't feel like detoxifying or drinking Charcoal or anything, EVER again, or to end up in the psychiatric ward, I swear to god I will throw hands if someone tries again...AND, I'm a witch, so you're warned.
You'd think , you'd get CODDLED by everyone, that you tried to die, no it's the same as every other time, a fecking cold room and hostile staff, CARB PACKED CHEAP FOOD, and ITS JUST SHITTY.. Yah.. THEY SCARE YOU! From trying it again.
I rationionalized with myself, um, You tell your friends life is beautiful, you tell them, that, they can heal thier bodies with the appropriate [herbal] medicine and nutrtition, that it will improve not only their physical health, but their mental disposition.. SIGHHH.. Im just , starting out from , a bad, neglected, feral place.. Umm. Im lacking a lot of resources right now, and not sure what I am supposed to be doing.
Sister (that left when I was 8 to live with our dads parents, her typical theatrics about being hit by the stepdad) : What happened to you, anyway?
A whole lot of lack, and I think that hurts even more.
I DONT GET TO PUT ON A WHOLE DAMN THEATRICAL DRAMATIC SCENE. 2nd born is the Target... And I was thrown out, cold and neglected, for men.. and alcohol.. by the Mum, she's been trying to help, though.. Lately.. she said 'GOD DID GET YOU FOOD. HE TOLD ME TO." I'm sitting here in abandonment, and not so sure, what Brendan is doing here, Uhm, I think he's a handler, making sure my apartment is tidy, and Im eating. Um, anorexia. Like am I okay? Im just, feeling the house is haunted-ish, something, talked to me while I was sleeping, and I am, not sure what it was, it pretended to be my mom, Im talking to her, and waking up, opened my eyes: Nothing is there!!! But..It reminded me to sign papers, that was the deadline, Thurs the 7th... Or "else" it sort of was, and I made it, THANK YOUUU whatever you are!!! ^.^
She's kind of a b*tch, note to self: don't complain about a medicine I want to keep. But she does her job well. I guess. They say all Drs are assholes. It's me, I'm the one with the balloon pic "Im sorry Im such an asshole" wrote on them. Multicolor.
This past visit with the DR.
Every time, they ask me:
[scale of 1-10, 10 being worst ever, and 1 being none or very little]
How's your depression ? (7)
Anxiety level ? (6)
it's all the same to me, or was, the last session with the elusive dr... umm you cant txt your psych, but i got my therapists and vocational therapist, and nurse, and the housing specialist #s.. Thats neat. Now I have like the Secretary number, they txt me of a "reassement" .. I DONT WANT TO GO. ROAR! I will never fit into their mold of "being better"... Schizophrenia is a life long sentence, and it (usually) worsens, as people age, um, I'm noticing ... Invega might've given me early onset Dementia, and Anti psychotics mess with the blood sugar, and high blood pressure, &, &, and so much more!
They know it's really very bad. Sigh. "Suicidal ideation" it's called. Nothing can be wrong, you'd just rather be dead. Normal people don't... understand that.. and *i* FIND it hard to understand that concept, like "you like your life, you're happy here??"; Are they making it up, bullshiting everyone, and themselves, or are they seriously like, okay??! She is asking me if I have a plan, on the "Crisis Line" I call because I just need someone to talk to. At times. Like not about "a crisis" or making a tough decision. I don't mean to be aggro and unreasonable, but I don't want these people in my life, I'm being..micromanaged .. like a celebrity, complete, with guaranteed money, and stealing of my ideas...
Really wish I was into women, lol... They seem to like me, but... Sigh, I guess i'm a gay transguy, or bi or something, I can't get her out of my mind, my energy, and etc.. feels half hers.. Like, The Corpse Bride film, I'm afraid I'm already taken? Idk, I was suffering very badly there, I'm embarrassed of how I was doing, the Anxiety was TREMENDULOUS and very fecking annoying... too.. Things were disjointed and otherworldly, like Illuminati robots had put me in their whacked out dimension.
