“I should go, Mulder,” she had said. He was brought out of his reverie by her quiet voice as she picked out an imaginary piece of lint on her pants. “It’s late, I’m tired.”“Scully,” he began, choosing his words carefully.“I’m fine, Mulder.” The tried and true. She stood up and placed her hand on the arm of the couch for balance. It didn’t go unnoticed. Mulder grasped her hand as she swayed slightly. “Mulder, I got this.”“Call me insecure.” She felt his arm wrap around her waist gently. “Scully, you’ve been through a lot today.”She bit her tongue as fatigue wove it way through her head. Just like you did, she wanted to bite out but she dug her teeth into her lower lip until she could taste her own coppery blood. That was real. She still was unsure what to believe after having her heart literally ripped out of her chest by the suspect but Mulder had been doing just fine but now…“I’m fine,” she repeated as the last line defense. “And I’m your partner. Both of those are a fact.”“Are they?” Mulder heard the sarcasm dripping in her voice. Even with a near death experience, she was still as sharp as ever. “Scully…” His voice faded as Pagett’s voice filtered through his head. Agent Scully is already in love. “I just want to make sure that everything is okay.”
She can feel her heart. A slow even ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum–she rips her hand away as the stinging tears come from the darkness.Scully tugs off her boots, sighing at the instant relief and began to unbutton her bloody blouse. She rolled her head back, something pops, and her eyes catch her tired reflection looking back at her in the dusty mirror of her vanity. Watching her reflection, she traced the bloody outline beneath her shirt, across her skin and bra. She slowly unbuttoned her blouse revealing the pink puckered scar from Ritter’s bullet. How did she survive? Again? She should have been dead.She looks like shit like someone had tried to rip her still beating heart out of her chest. She could hardly believe it was true, was her memory playing tricks on her? But Mulder. Padgett. Fuck. She shook her head and wiped her eyes at tears that had unknowingly formed. She needs control, she needs normalcy.“Scully, do you want anything to drink?” His low voice comes from beyond the closed door, edged with cautious as he walks through the minefield of her emotions. “Or to eat?”“I’m fine, Mulder.” Her voice sounds like a frog, much rawer than she wanted. And she is not fine. Far from it. She winces. “Well, maybe some tea. After the shower?”“Okay, well, I’m sure I can figure it out. Call me if you need anything. I’ll check on you in twenty. Give me a shout if you need anything.”I need you, she silently confesses. She bites her lip in response. “Gotcha.”After that, everything feels mechanical, but also like an out of body experience. She sheds her clothes, salvaging her pants and underwear. The bra is dead. Without a second thought, Scully grabbed Mulder’s Knick’s t-shirt she had taken from case somewhere in someplace years back. She wants to be surrounded by him even if she cannot have him. Being in her bathroom feel out of place, like she was the only thing that doesn’t belong, but the hot waters were cleansing and cleared her mind. What she has been through is enough. She finishes the shower and watched the remains of the blood go down the drain. Scully finds her clean towels and dries herself off. Scully emerges rawer than before wearing Mulder’s second-hand clothes. He is waiting for her in her bedroom when she emerges from the bathroom bearing aspirin and hot tea.“Sorry,” he says, diverting your gaze, “I should have knocked.”“You’re okay…” Mulder licks his lips before considering his next words on his partner’s new attire. “Do you want anything?”“No, I’m good. You found everything and got it right. I managed to get all the blood off.” She wraps her around herself, a sudden chill comes over her, and suddenly focuses a spot on her old wood floors to be incredibly interesting. She turns her back to him. “There was no bruising, no other signs of injury. At least physically. I told you I was fine.”“You’re the doctor.” Mulder pauses in the doorframe as if held back some invisible barrier. “Are you sure you don’t need anything else, Scully?”“I’m sure, Mulder.”“Okay, call me if you need anything.”Mulder slipped out, closing the door behind him. Scully lets the breath she had been holding, exhaling slowly with the few tears that had gathered around her eyes trailed down her cheek. Why is she crying? She shouldn’t be. She is fine, a sound of body and mind. Isn’t she? But she is her room, her private sphere. She is okay.He returns silently, the creaking of the bedroom door the only thing letting her know of his presence. Mulder sighs. “I’ll be on the couch, Scully. If you need anything. Just let me know.”“Thank you, Mulder.”He shakes his head, annoyed she refuses to make eye contact with him. “Good night, Scully.”“Good night, Mulder.”+++++++++++++Her bed smells familiar, and the sheets reminded that this her own home but she feels foreign. Lost. Everything weighed bitterly on her mind. Scully twisted underneath the cool sheets, trying to get comfortable in the strange bed. She can hear the murmur of this TV from beyond the door, and she wonders if he was asleep. After shifting one last time, she decides that sleep would not come. So instead, she closed her eyes and focused on her surroundings.Mindfulness, Mulder had called it. A technique of cognitive behavior therapy.She closes her eyes and tried to relax against the rampant thoughts running through her mind. She relishes in hearing the low murmur of the television just beyond the door. She imagined being surrounded by his scent, not by laying in his bed but imagining him holding her. Padgett had been right about one thing. She was in love with someone and that was Mulder. She remembered trying to claw at his back when he bent over to take her in his arms. She tried to remember that moment now but in a different context.Eventually, soothed by the background murmur of the television just beyond the door and his scent surrounding her, she drifted off, lost at sea, to a reluctant uneasiness.+++++++++++++He could not get to her in time. Scully was gasping, trying to scream. Her own heart, literally yanked from her chest, had ceased beating. It was not hers anymore. She watched in horror as the bloody pulp beat within the physic killer’s red hands. Her heart that she hadn’t been allowed to give, ripped out by the same forces that had decided she needed to suffer for the past six years. A gunshot wound to the abdomen. Cancer. Barren womb. Abduction. Countless other scrapes and injuries. The same forces that decided it was necessary to rip out her heart before she could set it free. She had protected it so long, keeping it hidden from the world like it was a rare treasure or a deadly secret. But none of the matters now. She watched her heart in his hand beating, dying.She screamed his name but her lungs seemed to have deflated as well. She could not breathe anymore either. She felt everything cease and then there was blackness.+++++++++++++“Scully! Scully, wake up. You’re having a nightmare!”“Mulder!”He turns on the bedside lamp, to reveal his partner twisted in the gray sheets fighting invisible monsters. She flails wildly, her arms uncontrollably. Mulder barely misses the backside of her hand as he grabs her firmly by the wrists in a vain attempt to restrain her. He sees tear streaks down her cheeks as she screams in agonizing pain.“Mulder! My heart! He took my heart!”Mulder’s mind runs over the possibilities about the nature of her nightmare. He longed to save her from it, but how could he save her from something that he caused? If he hadn’t left her to pursue Pagett, this never would have happened. It was his fault again she has been hurt and injured. It is his fault for everything.“No,” he softens his voice, trying to soothe her. “Scully, it’s a dream.” The easiness of his voice eased=s her rapid motions and he took his hand and presses it against her breast. “I feel your heartbeat beneath my hand, nice and strong. No one’s taken your heart.” His monotone voice continues to alleviate her terror. “It’s just me. Wake up, Scully. Come back to me.”Scully’s eyes opened and she was momentarily blinded by the light from the nightstand. She felt the heavy warmth of his hand resting directly over her heart. Mulder exhales as Scully rolls away from him. “You okay, Scully?”His voice was warm and she closed her eyes and relaxed into the mattress. She manages a nod and focuses on trying to keep an even breath.“Are you?”She could still feel his hand resting protectively over her chest. Scully mind flashes back to the horrific nightmare that threatened to consume her. Suddenly her breathing hitches as if she as nearing a panic attack. “Mulder, I can’t breathe.”“I’m here, Scully. I’ve got you.”Mulder was around her, completely and wholly surrounding her. She closes her eyes and twists onto her side with Mulder spooning right behind her. Scully could still feel his hand resting over her heart as if trying to keep it there. “Padgett was right about one thing, Mulder.”“What was that, Scully?”She took a deep breath, trying to draw strength from his presence. Scully could feel him tense behind her, as if afraid of the answer. “I’m already in love with someone.” She took a deep breath, unsure of how to proceed. She reached to interlace her fingers with his. “He’s here right now. Holding me together.”She closed her eyes and tried to pull him closer. She remembers how Mulder had held her earlier that day, desperate not to lose her again and how she had tried to claw his way into him to where she was safe. He was her safe haven even when the world was falling down around them. It took Mulder a moment to process what she was trying to say until he kissed the crook of her neck and hugged her tighter. His leg curled around her hips and whispered, “I won’t let you go.”Scully could feel her breathing slowing and the adrenaline disappearing. “I don’t want this to be a forgotten moment.”“It won’t,” he promised.“I want to talk, Mulder,” she whispered. Scully closed her eyes trying to pretend she was in a dream but Mulder holding her like this, it was so much more amazing than a mere dream. “About us. Our future.”“Ssshhh,” he whispered. Mulder kissed her cheek and temple. She felt his other hand gently rubbing her arm. “Try to sleep.”Mulder’s long arm turns out the lamp and Scully wiggles against his embrace and turned to face him. Mulder pulls the covers around them, a private shield against the evils of the world as Scully nuzzled his chest and pressed her ear against his chest. She felt herself melt against him, feeling him around her and sleepiness overtake her. “Tomorrow is a new day,” she whispers.
