Gather ‘round, I have a cautionary tale for ya’ll
I was thinking about the privileges that allowed me to get through school and get my career started this morning, and a memory led me to a big red fuck boy flag I had somehow missed.
Heading into my final semester of college, I was 22. I was working nearly full-time, had a second part-time job, had a full course load, was working on my senior thesis, and was working on a third unpaid internship. I lived with my boyfriend, who I was engaged to. He was on his fourth year of work in retail, working nearly full-time.
At the full-time job, I had ascended to management and created a job for myself. My boyfriend had been at the same place for four years and had never been promoted. As a result, I made $10/hr and he made $7/hr.
But heading into my last semester and looking at what I was dealing with, I was afraid I wouldn’t make it to the beginning of May. So during Christmas, I negotiated a deal with my dad: instead of any Christmas gifts, he’d pay half my share of the rent until graduation. This wasn’t huge in the scheme of things, at least on his side. Our rent was $700 for a one bedroom in the city, so he would pay $175 each month. This would allow me to cut my hours just a little bit so I could spend more time on my thesis. I was already sleeping only 4-5 hours a night and eating dollar store soup. Considering I was making around $1100 each month as income, getting back 10% of it was huge to my well-being.
But then my boyfriend found out about the deal and got angry at me. He said it wasn’t fair that I was paying so little for rent while he still paid his full share, so he demanded I split what my dad was providing. He told me he worked hard and deserved to pay less rent too.
I can’t imagine what I was thinking or feeling that would lead me to agree with him. The amount my dad was paying in rent for me dropped to about $90. I never really cut any of my work hours. While my boyfriend was working 8 hours a day -- sometimes less -- for 25-40 hours a week, I was pushing myself to the limit of what was healthy. I developed TMJ from the stress and stopped having menstrual periods. By April, I couldn’t eat solid food and I was freaked out about my uterus but couldn’t afford the time to go to the doctor.
While I was working myself into the ground, my boyfriend was taking his windfall and buying himself toys and food and watching TV all night. He also had the nerve to tell me this is how it would be when we had kids: he’d maintain the house while I worked since I liked it so much.
A month after graduation, I married him. He kept me from implementing my career plans for years. I told him I needed to relocate for work, he told me there’s no way we could afford such a thing. I told him we needed to be frugal and save. He told me he wasn’t willing to live with less quality of life. This dismissal of my hard work went on for years. I finally developed the self-awareness and the savings to leave him 6 years later.
The cautionary tale is this: if someone you’re in a relationship with is taking advantage of you and gaslighting you and disrespecting you toward the beginning of the relationship, they’re still going to be doing that to you a decade later. Fuckboys don’t change. Get rid of them before you have to do a lot of paperwork to rid yourself of them.
And for the love of god don’t take their last name.
