Pt I australia but i've never been there
A lot of my lovely maggots are Australian, it appears, judging by the number of Australian families I was just randomly adopted by. So this one goes out to you all, but very especially to Arthur (@howmanyholesinswisscheese) and to his grandmother's boyfriend Brian, who reminds him occasionally of me. I'm truly honoured.
Disclaimer: I did my research on tumblr, pinterest, and the first result of a couple of Google searches, because I'm thorough like that. I say part I because there is a lot.
I'm not sure what Australia is, because the education system failed me. They said it was a continent. But then a country. I figured it was both.
Unfortunately, then I learned about Oceania. Which I had thought was a made up undersea kingdom in that Barbie a Mermaid's Tale series, where people surf. But the continent is Australia and Oceania. Or not.
They have Prime Ministers. I know this, because one ate a raw onion which became instrumental in his later sacking, and another demanded to know what the odds were of a Prime Minister drowning.
He then drowned. Or maybe vanished into the Barbie kingdom of Oceania and became a merman. We will never know, because his body was never recovered, so my money's on the merman theory. Australians proceeded to name everything to do with water after him, from swimming pools to ships, because Irony.
H2O Just Add Water was set here, I think. I am not sure what that is, aside from a show where contact with liquid dihydrogen monoxide causes bodily transformation into a mermaid. Do the Australian mermaids not drink water? Not knowing any personally, I can't ask.
Aside from the concerning number of merpeople, there are also a concerning number of spiders. I love spiders, but apparently the ones in Australia will eat your flesh. After I watch Good Omens S2, I suspect I will welcome this fate.
For morons like me who see a spider and go AWW, Peppa Pig's episode on teaching kids not to be afraid of spiders was banned in Australia for endangering children and not being appropriate for Australian audiences.
Sydney is a place and it has an opera house. Melbourne is a place and it has a stadium (of what sport, I am unsure). Queensland is a place and it has Arthur's grandmum's boyfriend Brian.
There is a thing called Milo, and it is a brown powder that I assume is edible. Mums say to add a teaspoon (hence why I assumed edibility) and the children add a truckful. I infer it is nice.
There is marmite. I have known this for a while. Tourists spread a lot of it on their bread. This is a mistake. Do not. The original ad involved someone eating marmite happily, and their partner kissing them on the mouth and proceeding to gag violently. It is fermented beer waste. You either hate it or love it.
There is fairy bread. If you have sticks on it you are a monster. If you have balls on it you are smart.
I'm already writing part II. humans bewilder me.
