Tonight I just can’t breathe. Everywhere I look people are telling me that I should be ashamed of who I am, that I don’t deserve rights or representation, that I don’t deserve to exist. That my love is ugly. I don’t see progress. I can’t breathe because I won’t be able to survive on my own if I ever come out and I lose my home, I won’t survive if I lose the ACA’s protection. I have no support network here and there isn’t one waiting for me anywhere else. Trying to survive with no support network is too hard. I’m always on this website because for ten minutes I can pretend that I’m normal and that people like me can be happy and have long and healthy relationship. I just don’t live in that same world, and being closeted in a small town with no other financial options is hard. Fuck, it is hard. It’s hard for everyone, and no one ever told me that life was supposed to feel this hopeless, that it would be a struggle to not give up. It would be so much easier if I could be attracted to men, sometimes I just want to give up and live closeted. I wouldn’t have to be so afraid, I wouldn’t hurt every time another straight white man in power decides that our stories aren’t worth telling, that we don’t deserve to live. I feel sick in my soul.
