#mine6741

[sesame-swims]

Accidentally posted to the wrong blog. Here’s progress pics of peppers scrape healing. Took about a week to look all better (still waiting on some scales to grow back) but here’s the first four days below.

[belly-bounces]

i keep thinking about how when i was like 17 i learned to cook and became obsessed with it. little girl raised on freezer meals and spaghetti learns how to make chicken and potatoes. teen girl learns she likes brussels sprouts.

i cooked all the time for a couple years until one day i just stopped 🙃 i didn’t cook for myself for like five years…. in the year and a half i lived with my mom i ate almost exclusively sourdough rolls and artichoke dip. summer 2016 it was red pepper hummus and sweet potato chips. three months straight. i remember my shit smelled like hummus. if you’re reading this you already know the delivery food addiction that came after that.

idk i kno i fuck up all the time. even when i cook, the food i make is not perfect. it’s certainly not always healthy and sometimes it doesn’t even taste good but… idk just looking at this blog makes me so happy sometimes. because even though the food looks like shit im really out here making it.

depression has beat my ass and chopped me to pieces and buried the pieces across the globe, but like something out of science fiction im putting myself back together. it’s like im still just a lifeless disgusting blob right now who can barely move, but at least i dug up one of my arms. even if i can’t build myself up to where i want to be at least im not buried alive thousands of miles away from the closest piece of myself.

anyway self care to me looks like butternut soup and bread rolls on a rainy day. it looks like fried eggs on a tuesday morning. it looks like apple salad that reminds me of my mom. it’s in the shrimp alfredo and it overflows from the shawarma bowl. it’s taking a taste and thinking it doesn’t need any more salt. its burning your tongue. it’s slicing your finger open with a knife while cutting potatoes. it’s the rice that gets crispie on the bottom of the pan. it’s eating a bowl of chopped fruit in the sun.

i get really super discouraged all the time. but then i heat up some leftovers and can’t help but think damn, the person who made this really loves me.

[kristen-kries]

i met like 100 20yr old boys who play this stupid game i like all day. some of them rly like me but some of them hate me bc i’m good at the game lmaooooo. anyway it’s fun af and they let me play with them like all night. one of them said i should stream and that the boys should set up a gofundme for a streamer setup for me LMFAO! im like do it.

anyway making friends is fun and it’s worth the uncomfortable interactions.

[sesame-swims]

haven’t posted an update in a bit but my boys are still doing good 🐟

was underperforming on water changes a bit the past few weeks but i’m back on it and my boys don’t seem any worse for wear.

they are having lunch in this pic. hope everyone else’s fishies have been well 🐟

[sesame-swims]

My big red was finally put to rest last night.

He had been doing so well despite the pineconing, and so I let it go on for a bit because it just didn’t feel like we were ready.

This week, though, he’d been clamping his fins. He was starting to get some irritation between his scales, and a weird red spot started appearing from deep within his abdomen. Eyes were starting to get a bit foggy and I saw a small sore on one of his fins as well. Even caught him belly up from the floats. He wants to eat but there’s clearly been a problem digesting for a while now.

It was just too much. I was going to put him down Monday night, but it was my birthday I just couldn’t do it. So he celebrated with me and then I finally pulled myself together and put him down with clove oil last night.

Hes a big fish and was still quite strong, so took longer to fall asleep than the other times I had done this. No horror stories though, clove oil has never given me anything other than a peaceful passing. After making doubly absolutely sure he had passed, I laid him to rest beneath one of my houseplants.

These pictures are from months ago, before he was sick. Swim in peace little red.

[sesame-swims]

pretty sure it goes without saying it’s just gonna be me and the eggs for a while

my friend drew me this lovely egg here for my birthday

too cute not to share

[sesame-swims]

children are doing well, especially pepper and his shadow

i’ve been feeding new life spectrum pellets since for some reason the gel has been making big red extra floaty

he’s still a bit floaty so not sure what the deal is but hoping it gets better

pepper had also been having some irritation in his wen growth but that has cleared up too

so obsessed with my sons #boymom

[sesame-swims]

i only post sunny but pepper is literally my favorite