i can't help it | michael jackson
summary ; after almost years of convincing michael to cut off his relationship with diana, he can't help but see himself going back to her. that was the last straw for you, considering you had these hidden feelings for him for years. you finally make him open his eyes and see what's been standing there along.
warnings ; lot of angst..., otw!michael, oblivious!michael, yearning!reader, mention of grooming (fucking hate diana with all my heart), friends to lovers trope, love confession, and lots and lots of kisses and affection <3
3.9k words ; not proofread
oh michael. poor michael.
the boy was just so clearly lovestruck. it was too bad it wasn't real.
at least not for diana.
the woman was 34 years old for gods sake. she didn't have time to mess around with a 19 year old. she had a husband and a beautiful baby girl waiting for her at home.
but michael didn't understand that. he thought she loved him. she'd changed his whole perception of love. the sweet words she spoke to him during late nights on the phone. how she praised him for his appearance and vocal capabilities, exclaming that he would be one of the best artists of all time.
yet no matter how much you told him that it wasn't what he thought it was, he didn't listen.
"no, (name). she loves me. don't you see? she could be with any other man in the world! yet she chooses to stay with me." michael exclaimed, his voice somehow soft spoken even in this moment of frustration.
you could only shake your head at his words, his head must've been foggy or something. "she is with another man, michael! she has a husband for christ's sake."
"she don't love him. not the way she loves me." he mumbled, sitting on his bed. his head hung low, clearly feeling upset at your words.
you bit your tongue, hard. it was so frustrating- seeing him act a fool over a woman who was just stringing him along into her life.
michael served no purpose whatsoever for diana. she strung him along because he was going to make it big. although she herself was already a big star, being the only one from her former group to become a international sensation, it would be nice to have the latest most upcoming artist on her arm.
she'd keep him on her side, using him to look good. along with this, she'd tell him all those loving praises and words he so desperately wanted from her.
"michael, you did so great tonight. you've become such a talented young man."
"don't tell anyone i said this, but i think you're going to make it the farthest out of your brothers."
"you know i love you, right michael?"
god. it was all bullshit and you saw right through it.
diana was aware of your presence in michael's life. though, she paid no mind. you weren't a threat to her, not even in the slightest.
now, it's october. leaves are falling and the weather in encino seems to be getting cooler by the minute.
it's been two months since the release of "off the wall" and it's been a very good two months so far. it seems to be hitting every chart in the nation, hitting every milestone every other week.
you laid your head on michael's lap on the couch at hayvenhurst, watching whatever movie michael put on for the two of you.
it'd been a rocky past few weeks. he seemed to be distant.
not physically, he was always with you, every second of the day.
emotionally. more reserved and quiet than usual, which was odd considering this is michael we're talking about. the one always yelling for whatever apparent reason, singing at the most random moments possible.
you noticed. of course you did.
a few months before the release of "off the wall", michael had decided to cut off diana.
you weren't sure if it was definite or just a temporary hold. it was hard to decipher considering how much he loved her.
he brushed it off, using the excuse of "he needed to focus on the release of his new album".
that couldn't have been farther from the truth.
in reality, diana was the one who cut him off. said she needed time and space, needed to focus on her daughter and work. emphasis on daughter, considering she'd divorced with her husband two years before "off the wall".
"(name), would you be mad if i told you something?" he asked softly, his voice suddenly interrupting the movie you were so into.
you looked up from his lap, catching a glimpse of his face. he seemed troubled, almost as he was ashamed of what his next words were going to be.
"no, not all." you replied, offering a polite smile as you waited for him to respond.
he took a deep breath, getting all shy and nervous like he normally did when he had big news. his gaze lingered on your face for a moment before he finally spoke up.
"so....you know how i cut off diana before off the wall came out? well, we uhm- we recently began contacting each other again." his words sounding like a scrambled mess as they came out.
the smile you plastered on your face soon fell, now a more serious kind of annoyed expression.
at first, you didn't say anything. it wasn't like you had to anyways, your face basically said everything already.
you could feel the disappointment lingering in your throat, a pit forming in your stomach. it was a horrible feeling.
michael didn't even need to hear anything you had to say, he already knew what was going to come out of your mouth. you would lecture him, tell him that he was stupid for letting her back into his life, and then quietly judge him for the following week.
it was a cycle that repeated over and over and over again.
it began a long long time ago, when the jacksons had just signed with motown.
diana was signed with them as well, it was no suprise that their paths would be crossed at some point.
it started off friendly, michael still being a teen and all. small flirts, words that could be perceived in a different way than usual, deep conversations that led to long talks.
but michael was infatuated from the beginning.
his brothers telling him that it wasn't real, it was all in his mind. diana was a known flirt and most of her words meant nothing- not to him at least.
once he'd turned 18, he knew this was it. this was the moment she'd finally see him for who he was and fall in love with him.
that wasn't the case though. she'd fallen in love with another man. the man who managed her and her music soon became her husband and it wasn't too long before kids had arrived into the picture.
michael was devastated, heartbroken to be exact. it felt like his heart had been ripped up into pieces then set on fire and placed in a hole.
you'd seen all of this, every emotion she put him through. the days he'd be giddy with joy as he rambled on and on about the things she said to him to the days where she didn't speak to him and left him hanging.
he cleared his throat, shifting on the couch nervously. "you don't have to say anything. i can already tell what you're feeling."
you puff your cheeks out, a habit you did when you didn't know what to say. no words came to mind- no non negative words at least.
"how's it been goin?" you say, the back on your head laying on his lap as you look up at him. it was the first thing that came out of your mouth.
"it's been uh....it's been good. she congratulated me on the album- said she was real proud of me." he replied, his small smile appearing as he spoke.
real proud, huh.
yet you were the one who was there when the media was praising him for his performance and talent. the one who was there when epic awarded him a plaque for how many units the album had sold. the one who cherished him with so much love and appreciation when he felt like the album wasn't as good as everyone said it was.
instead of saying something stupid, you just nodded your head. even though you weren't happy over diana waltzing back into his life, you were a little glad he wasn't gloomy and solemn anymore.
"that's good, michael. really happy for you." you lied through your teeth, keeping that soft expression you made when you spoke to him.
he could only smile at you, not recognizing that you were lying straight to his face.
his slender fingers played with your hair, more indulged by his reconciliation with diana than anything else. "i'm thinking about meeting for dinner with her later this week, wanna catch up with her."
"what'd you reckon you'd talk about?" you shrug, trying to act like you are interested.
"oh i dunno...i guess maybe the next move? you know, next album...perhaps a tour maybe?" he explained, seemingly giddy about all the future possibilities he planned.
it was a nice sight to see, seeing how much the new plans he had in mind were already coming together.
he had a great ordeal for manifestion. it was one of the things you admired the most about mike. the countless days where he had only a wink of sleep and still managed to put so much effort into making something so beautiful.
you just let out a small noise of understandment. "well, whatever you guys talk about, i hope all goes smoothly."
"you promise you're not mad?" he asked, tilting his head slightly to meet your eyes.
"mike, do not ask me questions you already know the answer to."
all he could do was laugh before ruffling your hair, placing a big kiss on your forehead.
the following days were hell.
all michael could talk about were "diana this!" or "diana that!". it was possibly the worst days of your life, just having to lay there while he spoke so highly of her.
"a-and you know what? she laughed! she laughed at my joke! it wasn't even funny!" he squealed like a little girl, the toothiest grin on his face.
you just nodded, you body laying limp against his bedframe. every conversation you had somehow led to diana, no matter what.
after a bit, it'd gotten annoying so you excused yourself and headed downstairs.
your fingers slid against the railing on the stairs of hayvenhurst, walking down to the kitchen.
you found yourself raiding his freezer, strawberry ice cream being the first thing you pulled out. it wasn't anything unusual though, the jacksons had long gone welcomed you into their home.
latoya appeared from the doorway, peering in to see who in the kitchen. her eyes almost widened as she soon realized it was you, her lips slipping into a smile.
in her kitten heels, she basically ran into you, squeezing you into a big hug. "(name)! it feels like i haven't seen you in forever!"
you hugged her back, placing a kiss on her cheek as you greeted her back. "i know, i know. i've just been so busy with work lately."
the two of you caught up, talking about all the things you've done in the past week.
"sooo...michael tells me he's back to talkin' to diana again. any thoughts on that?" she asks, tilting her head as she takes on a spoonful of ice cream.
you could only scoff, your eyes rolling at the mere mention of diana.
the worst part of all of this was how everyone in the house could see how hopelessly infatuated you were with michael. it really was no secret, more so a widely known thing.
everyone knew, minus michael. for someone so smart and knowledgeable, he seemed the most oblivious.
you couldn't tell if he genuinely didn't know or if he actually did and was just ignoring it to protect your feelings.
whatever the case was- he didn't acknowledge the feelings of yours that lured around him everywhere.
"it's whatever." you say "don't matter to me."
latoya can catch the bullshit in your tone from a mile away. instead of calling you out on it, she just laughs it off.
just as you were about to really talk about you felt, michael came in through the doorway.
you had barely noticed he'd come in, his presence merely being the most unnoticeable thing about him.
you quickly shut up, looking over at him.
he noticed.
"you guys talking about me behind my back?" he asked jokingly, leaning his body over the kitchen island.
"no. girl stuff, mike." latoya replied to him, shrugging her shoulders.
he could only nod hesitantly with a smile, seeing how the two of you looked at each other. "mhm, ain't that right."
"i was getting real bored without you (name)" he stated, his voice sounding whiny, "you left me hanging all by myself!"
a weird feeling settled in your stomach as he spoke in that whiny soft voice. it almost had you folding over.
"i just wanted to catch up with toya, i'll be right up in a few." you said, putting the ice cream container back into the fridge.
"fine. but don't take forever." a small pout on his lips as the sound of his footsteps followed him out the kitchen door.
it seemed like you were holding your breath the whole time in the kitchen. after he left, you could only feel your heart racing against your chest.
latoya questioned you immediately after he left. "jeez, (name)! you alright? it looks like you just seen a ghost."
you could only hide your face in shame, laughter erupting from the both of you. "it's nothing- i should probably get going, he'll drag me upstairs if i take too long."
"alright, just don't do anything i wouldn't do."
you rolled your eyes, walking out of the kitchen. latoya's laughter could still be heard even as you went up the stairs.
the sound of the doorknob twisting sat michael right up, beaming with energy.
you closed the door behind you before making your way to his bed. there, you sat on the edge, right beside michael.
"i can't wait to tell you all about how it went with diana last night." he spoke, the giddyness in his voice pouring out.
you bit your inner cheek, not wanting to listen to all of this all over again.
in your mind, you told yourself to make yourself listen to him. it would be rude to not hear him out, you'd be ignoring good news for him.
but in your heart, you just couldn't. listening to him fawn over diana over and over again just didn't sit well with you. it's basically like letting her win.
michael went on and on about what they talked about, the stuff they ate, the small little things. you just sat there, zoned out as he talked.
eventually he noticed how you were barely reacting to him. you were a very outspoken person, always making it evident that you were engaged.
he poked the side of your torso, making you wake up from whatever trance was holding you.
it worked, you sat up almost immediately and blinked slowly.
"oh god, sorry michael. i was listening, i swear." you apologized, letting out a soft sigh.
"you're a terrible liar. something's on your mind, i can tell y'know." he said, his fingers trailing against your hands.
your gaze lingered down towards your hands, seeing how openly touchy he was with you. that weird feeling from the kitchen was coming back again.
you could lie to him. tell him nothing is wrong and just deny, deny, deny. but no, you loved him far too much to lie so you just admitted what was wrong.
sort of.
"i'll just feel really bad if i speak out on what's on my mind."
"oh come on, you know i won't judge." his fingers finally interlacing with yours as he sat close.
god, there was this pain aching inside of you. here lies a chance of michael getting upset at you. you couldn't even fathom if that happened, you'd beat yourself up over it.
"look, i don't know how to even get this out without hurting your feelings." you started, your gaze lingering in your lap. "but i'm really just...over talking about diana."
he didn't react, not immediately. he only stared at you, like a confused puppy.
"you're over talking about diana? i don't get it." he asked, not in a confrontational manner but in an genuinely confused one.
"i mean- ugh i don't know how to explain it. i don't want to talk about her or the dates you've been having." carefully admitting that you don't want to know about his relationship with her any longer.
his face didn't seem hurt. nor did his body language make it seem that way either.
"specific reason...why?"
now you were really stuck. do you have to admit that you've been secretly in love with him since you were 17 or just blame it on something else?
you can't admit it. not because it's not true but because you just physically can't.
it hurts too much to be true. you'd feel guilty because it was never supposed to happen in the first place.
you solemnly swore that you weren't going to fall in love. whatever attraction you felt towards him was only physical, nothing else.
but the more days you spent with him, it only became worse. laying in his arms as you watched a movie. your thighs pressed against each other as you played with the settings in his recording studio.
you stammered, words not even fully forming in your throat. "i uh- i don't think i-"
embarrassment filled your lungs, making you feel like you couldn't breathe.
michael became aware of how nervous you got, his confusion only developing.
you swallowed your words, taking them all in. this was it. becoming one with your feelings and finally admitting that you're hopelessly in love with him.
"the reason i don't wanna talk about diana anymore is uh....it's because i'm uhm- cus' i think i'm in love with you, michael."
the words settle.
it seems like time stops for the two of them. the cold air running through the ac suddenly becoming the loudest thing in the room.
he doesn't even have any words. the boy who always had a quick comeback up his sleeve was left speechless for once.
"(name)....you know how i feel about diana...." he said softly, like he was trying to slowly reject your feelings.
your heart ached, realizing what he was trying to do. "of course i do, michael. it's all you talk about." your voice was choking up slightly, your face getting hot. "i just don't understand you. i'm right here. i've been here all along."
"what's that supposed to mean?"
"what's that supposed to mean?" you repeat, looking at him as he was speaking a different language. "it means that i'm the one who's been here for you. i've stayed here for so long, seen you go through hell and back while she only came into your life when you were at your best."
then it dawned on him.
all the times you spent up late together, talking for hours or just laying in each other's presence. the now obvious flirts he misinterpreted as just friends joking around. presents you gave him under the pretense of, "just because."
you'd been the one to comfort him when his father yelled at him or when diana would leave his life again. you'd gone to all his shows with his brothers, been to every press conference he had.
you'd always been there.
"it's annoying, y'know. seeing you talk about how diana doesn't reciprocate with your feelings yet you do the same with me." sniffles came from your nose, a singular tear escaping from your eye.
he bit his cheek, looking at the sight of you in front of him. of all things, he hated when you cried in front of him the most. even over small things such as movies, the thought of you being upset was such an ache for him.
his thumb wiped the tear from your face, the warmth of his palm covering your cheek.
"i really am an idiot." he mumbled softly, looking at you- really looking at you.
in this moment now, he realized. realized the part he was missing all along.
he was so busy chasing diana for love, one that he would never be able to catch, that he missed the beauty right in front of him.
the thought of being in love with you crossed his mind many times. it wasn't really a doubt in his mind. however, he only brushed it off. the fear of you not reciprocating his feelings haunted him in his sleep.
"was i really that blind?"
"horribly. i thought i made it abundantly obvious."
a chuckle left his lips, his arms wrapping around you tightly. all he could do was just hold you tightly and kiss the top of your head.
even in a moment like this, you couldn't help but laugh a bit. there a slimmer of humor in this, one that he created because of his obliviousness.
your head laid against his chest as you spoke, "everyone in the house noticed before you. even marlon was trying to hint it at you."
a sigh escaped from his lips, feeling so ashamed. he was so blindsided by diana, he didn't notice the way she had him wrapped around her finger.
she really made him believe that she loved him. that she was the one that was going to stick around and be the one to take care of him. it was all a lie. a lie created to make him stuck with her.
"'m sorry, (name). terribly sorry." he apologized, holding you tighter in his arms, more than ever.
"you're right. you've been here since the beginning, you've been my number one cheerleader for years." his hand rubbing small circles onto your back.
after a bit of consolation, you lifted your head up. your eyes staring longingly into his.
michael had always thought you were beautiful but now more than ever, he knew you were beautiful.
instead of letting this moment go to waste any longer, he dove in and pressed his lips against yours.
a sweet honey taste coating his lips as he kissed you, his hands cupping your cheeks.
he pulled away after a few long moments, pressing his forehead against your own. he had the widest smile known to man, his brown doe eyes staring right into yours.
"you really did open my eyes. i mean, i've always wanted to be with you but i never never thought you'd actually want me back." he confessed shyly, hiding his face in the crook of your neck.
you smiled at the feeling of his breath hovering over your neck. it wasn't long until he practically tackled you onto his bed, landing right on top of you.
"i think i'm in love with you too angel." he says quietly, like it's a secret he only wants to share with you.
"good. i wouldn't have taken no for an answer anyways."
he erupted into laughter, pressing his head against the pillow behind you.
the two of you spent the rest of the day talking about each other. mostly about how you felt about the other and what made you realize your feelings were really set in place.
any thoughts about diana were long gone, he had a more prized woman to take care of now.
a/n - hello !! this is my michael fic....kinda of scared.... ive been reading so many michael fics this past month and ive gotten so much fomo just reading them so i wanted to write one! i hope u guys like it since i like actually put myself thru hell researching stuff but ok thank u guys for reading love u all