#missedmiscarriage

[blkgmdrop]

Miscarriage Trigger Warning

I’ve never really written on this site but I need somewhere to put my thoughts. Back in July I met the love of my life. We started trying for a baby almost right away and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. October 19th I finally got a positive pregnancy test and I was so so excited. I had been testing all the previous months and would be so disappointed when it was negative. Even though the line was so faint I had taken so many negative ones that I could see the positive line. Two days later I took two more to make sure the line had gotten darker before telling my mom. The next day I went in to my primary and we did all the normal blood work and everything for pregnancy and took another pregnancy test and it turned positive within 30 seconds. I was the happiest I’d ever been. At 8 weeks we went in for my first official OB appointment and was disappointed when they didn’t do an ultrasound because Devin had taken the day off to go and also because I wanted to make sure my baby was growing and viable. At a little past 9 weeks I went in for my first ultrasound and found out I was having twins but neither had heartbeats. They wanted me to come in a week later to get another one to see if they were growing or if they had no heartbeats. At a little over 10 weeks I went in for the second ultrasound and my uterus had grown significantly but the twins did not at all and had no heartbeats. That OB was supposed to schedule me a D&C but by Monday morning, almost a week later, they hadn’t called to schedule it so I went to a new OB that day and they did another and final ultrasound of my beautiful babies. The next day I had the surgery to have them removed and it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Now almost two weeks post op it’s almost Christmas and I feel so lost. Devin’s brothers fiancé is pregnant and due the day the twins were due and they’re planning a gender reveal and baby shower and I just can’t help but be sad and jealous because that was supposed to be Devin and I. So many of my friends are due when the twins were supposed to be due and every time they post a bump picture or anything baby related my heart aches and my stomach hurts. Devin and I have already started trying again but I was supposed to be 13 weeks pregnant and huge and now I just feel empty and huge. I can’t stop eating because it makes me feel better at the time. I’ve stopped caring as much about myself and I don’t know how to get back where I was before the twins. I feel like a different person and I don’t know how to merge the new and old me together and to convince them to take care of us. I feel so guilty because Devin can’t really do anything for me, guilty because I should be happy for our future sister and law and friends and I don’t, guilty because I feel empty and I’m letting myself go and I want to be who I was because it made me feel better and I knew Devin was happy when I was. If anyone’s been through something like this that sees this, how did you become you again? I’m lost.

[ryy-ry]

It's 6 hours before I'm headed to the hospital, 8 hours before I have to permanently say goodbye.

My babies, thank you for the joy you gave mama papa, even if it was only for the past three months. We would have loved to gotten to know you, to have held your hands through life.

It's 8 hours till I'm no longer a mother. To know that you both will no longer be in my belly. To know that I have lost you forever.

They are going to put me to sleep and when I wake up, you will no longer be there with mama. I have no words to describe this feeling of loss.

It's 8 hours till mama papa have to say goodbye. We love you, my babies.

[ryy-ry]

I have lost my babies today.

They were 11 weeks and 3 days old. They were 4.5cm each. I had monochorionic-monoamniotic twins. I carried them for 11 weeks.

Full of anticipation, joy, waiting to feel them move for the very first time.

It was my third gynae appointment today. Mama was so excited to see you, to hear your heart beat.

But the doctor say you both weren't moving and she couldn't find your heart beat.

I thought, how could that be true? Full of disbelief and shock, I was not ready for this burst of pain.

I refused to accept that you were gone. Mama papa brought you for a second scan. As we waited for an hour, an hour of dread, an hour of googling "chances of miscarriage" "missing fetal heartbeat", an hour sitting and tearing.

I remember entering the ultrasound room of the hospital and holding the doctor's hand in desperation. I told her "the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat today. Please help me". I almost broke down in tears and in fear.

And when she confirmed that she too couldn't find your heartbeat, I felt crushed. How could it be? My babies. How could you leave mama? I haven't got to feel you move, to hold you in my arms.

She called papa in, and I lost control of my emotions. I cried and cried, I didn't care that I was ugly crying. I only wanted my babies to be okay.

My babies, mama papa love you both so much. We were anticipating to see you, to hold you, to weather storms with you.

We still have not accepted that you are lost. My babies, my dear babies.

They told mama that my body hasn't realised that you are gone yet. But you are too big to naturally pass through. They told mama that I needed to do a procedure called "evacuation of the cervix". So that I can return back to normal and "try again".

The doctor says it was a high risk pregnancy. That you were sharing one placenta, one sac and one cord. It was not unlikely to have a miscarriage. But I didn't hear her words. I heard static.

But essentially, a missed miscarriage treatment is an abortion. They would be taking you out, clearing your remains out with a suction tube while I'm under general anesthesia.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. Babies, mama didn't get to hear your heart beat. People will be going to the hospital on Saturday to deliver their babies, but I'm going to the hospital to have you both taken out. I'm not going to be able to bring you home.

Mama wants to bring you both home. I love you my babies. Even if it's only been 11 weeks and 3 days. I love you both more than you could ever know. Mama papa are still grieving, we don't know if we will ever be okay. But we miss you both already.

Even if it's only been 11 weeks and 3 days. I love you both more than you could ever know. I'm sorry mama couldn't bring you both into this world.

[dayswithdot]

First Day of Recovery-

I had to make a decision about how to “manage” my miscarriage. This included expectant management, medical management, and surgery. I knew for me that I couldn’t see the tissue pass and know that would be the last time I saw her-in pieces. I wanted to remember her whole and thriving like my last positive ultrasound. As a result, I chose surgery.

Surgery Day

I’ve never had surgery for anything so it came with a bit of nerves. Every single person I met was kind, although I wish I never needed to know their kindness under these circumstances. Everything went fast (except for the wait in the waiting room) I was went to pre-op, went back, and woke up in recovery.

When I woke up, I was grateful to know that my womb had been cleared but my heart felt heavier than before. The reality that the future I had planned because of this baby wasn’t the one I’d be living in the coming months was hard. It’s also a struggle I kept to myself.

Before surgery my partner and I had a discussion about my feelings and although he said he understood I didn’t feel very understood. That’s something I’m still sorting through-I can attempt to verbalize what I’m feeling in my body or in my brain but I don’t know if the articulation could truly capture it. If it could give other people a sense of the emptiness, the confusion, the anger, the guilt, that comes with this this then I think I’d feel understood.

During the conversation with my partner he made the statement that even though this is my body he’s experiencing a loss as well. I knew what he meant but this exasperated a feeling-this being my body is a part of my sadness. It feels like my body is a failure. Why wasn’t my body good enough to hold you longer? My brain is overwhelmed with the idea that I’ve found a major flaw in a body that I worked so hard to love even when it was hard. However, I don’t how to forgive my body for this.

In this moment I want to be close to my partner. To feel him…to see if I can feel anything at all. I’m now bleeding and cramping from yesterday and this for sure snaps me back to the fact that there’s one thing I can for sure feel-pain.

I want to feel better. Maybe I should say I want to feel better now! I have the knowledge that with enough time and processing I will feel better but I want that peace now. I want that smile now. That’s who I am…or at least who I was before this.

[dayswithdot]

Last Day With Dot- 4/12/23 *TRIGGER WARNING- Missed Miscarriage*

I thought I knew heartbreak, but I now know I never have felt true heartbreak until today. I laid back on the bed while I watched the clock tick. It was digital but I could almost hear it ticking in my ears over my internal dialogue. 1:19 tick 1:20 tick 1:21 tick 1:22 tick 1:23 tick 1:24 tick 1:25 and then the door creaked.

On Monday, I went to see my midwife after having some anxiety and just wanting to see that my sweet Dot was ok after not being able to hear a heartbeat on the Doppler during my previous visit the week before and she voiced some concerns. I was supposed to be 11 weeks, 4 days but based upon the measurements on her handheld machine the embryo was measuring 8 weeks, 1 day, the same as my previous ultrasound 3 weeks prior. So she sent me for a follow up at the hospital.

My ultrasound technician, Shelby, a student (I knew because of the bright blue ribbon that was attached to his badge) doesn’t even know that it was her eyes that gave it away today. See, I can’t imagine the bit of sadness that I know must accompany feeling like you have just identified something that is going to change a person forever. But now I do know what it feels like for your heart to shatter and disperse shards throughout your insides. For you to feel the weight of everything and nothing all at once because you know that what’s coming next will hurt more than you could have ever imagined.

When Shelby started at 1:00 she was joyous and had left the screen tilted just enough so I could see it. When she went to look for a heartbeat I saw the screen stay flat, I also watched her try again. Flat. I was so overwhelmed that I asked if we’d need to do a transvaginal and she said yes. I made a comment that I needed to use the bathroom because I’d had so much water and she said she’d finish this part quickly so I could go and she would reset the room. What her nor my partner knew at the time was that I not only needed to release those 32 ounces of water, I needed to release a few tears on my own first. A necessary moment of private emotion before I had to share my sadness with others that had previously shared my excitement.

After changing clothes for the transvaginal, I sat almost numb. My partner made a joke and I struggled to laugh or feel happy. I already knew what he was about to find out soon. Shelby came back, angled the screen towards her, and began taking more pictures. Shortly after, there was a knock and a male who was supervising Shelby entered the room. He asked Shelby to show him the pictures she’d taken so far and then he asked where’s the heartbeat. Shelby did not speak but did slyly alert him to come closer. After a brief look over Shelby’s shoulder he asked me if he could take some pictures himself and all I could muster was sure. I knew he was there to confirm that they’d need someone to deliver the news. When they finished taking pictures, one lowered the bed while Shelby gave me two towels and told me I get could dressed. They closed the curtain and left.

The time in which they were gone felt like an eternity but in reality it had only been 7 minutes. That’s the other thing that alerted me at the doctors office- they normally knock to wrap up in 2-3 minutes. When the door creaked open for the final time it was Shelby and Scott, a man who I’d never met before and I wish I hadn’t today. Scott was the person to say there’s no heartbeat. I could see the face of my partner, who was in a chair off to the side. I could tell that this news has broken him, but he locks eyes with me to see how I’ll react. I don’t. Not because unharmed by this stranger’s confirmation of our nightmare but because I knew the words no one said 20 minutes ago. I know my partner has experienced this before and I wonder if this opened an old wound or had just formed a new one.

Scott stood for a second and asked me if I had any questions. I found myself scoffing because if he had time I’d ask him the 1,000 questions that had formed in my mind. Before I could get out of my head to say no, Scott said well I’m sorry again the doctors will be in touch about follow up soon and he and Shelby exited and said we could stay there for as long as we need to.

I immediately got up and all I wanted to do was leave. Maybe if I could get some fresh air I could process what was said to me. That didn’t work but it did bring me back to reality. A reality that I didn’t want to be in.

In the few hours I’ve known I’ve sent a text messages to the people closest to me because I can’t utter the words. I’ve also taken a total of 3 phone calls about what the first phone call would call a Missed Miscarriage. The first was the midwife who received the results calling to discuss my options. The second was someone calling to schedule my option I chose out of, the D&C. The final one was the midwife I saw on Monday giving me sympathy and talking through next steps I could take if I wanted to. She also asked if I would be able to take a few days off from work. I replied yes to that and hung up. I won’t be taking any more calls today.

I don’t know how to support my partner. I don’t even know what tomorrow will look like but I’ll go at my own pace. I’m not ok today, and that’s ok, but one day, some day, I will be.

[dizzydaizies]

Hello again. December was a horrible month for my partner and me. We found out we were pregnant but it wasn’t meant to be. My heart is literally in fragments and my soul has an effing crack in it. The grief hits me like a Twisted Tea all the damn time 😶

[kdesignsandcrafts]

[kdesignsandcrafts]

2021

Missed miscarriage