Fading To Grey

There's no light at the end of the tunnel.

[mypoeticsoul-ny]

[myhiddenquerencia]

Look at you, Wiping your own tears With the same hands That long to be held

Ayesha Zahra

[soul-from-another-era]

[emilybraydenblogs]

I confuse people. i have a happy personality and a sad soul. i'm bold but shy. i love deeply but sometimes i feel heartless. i'm healing and hurting at the same time. i'm dedicated to growth, but i self sabotage

[whendidmythoughtsgocrazy]

You were never mine, but I was always yours.

k.b. // sombr - i wish i knew how to quit you

[poisonintheink]

my broken pieces flow to your shore /

— ʀ.ᴛ.

[ryy-ry]

I wonder why, or rather how. How can something so wrong, feel so right?

Why does my soul sing when our fingers intertwine? Why does my heart perk up to feel your name pop up on my phone screen?

It’s not right and it’s deeply draining. I feel the push and pull of my emotions entangled with yours, and I hate it to the core. I hate how affected I am by you, but yet I can’t walk away. If there is a god, a higher being out there, would you look past my transgressions and lend me the strength to walk away?

But do I even want to walk away? It’s always 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. There is no future but yet, it’s not stopping me from longing for ours.

There’s so much I want to tell you but I don’t have the right to. I want to scream that I love you, but there’s no point because there is no us. There will probably never be an us. The longer I stay, the more it hurts. Stuck and delusional.

The guilt tears me up inside, but on the flip side all I want is to hear your voice. I cannot comprehend why either. There’s no attribute I want in a future partner, in fact, probably the opposite. Yet when you smile at me, all logic goes out the window.

I….I really need to walk away. But my heart does not want to let you go just yet. How many “last time”s, how many “just one more” can I tell myself before it ruins me? In fact, it has probably already begun to ruin who I used to be.

[midnightsadboy]

you're scared of losing people but who's scared of losing you?

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Melissa Cox

[paper-wounds]

[paper-wounds]

[paper-wounds]

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

[ryy-ry]

I am sorry. I am sorry my love that I am considering to walk away from this. I am unsure since when but I feel us drifting, and I feel myself falling out of love.

It’s probably me, distracted, and perhaps that reflected in how I treated you the past weeks. But in that reflection, I feel your aloofness. I see you not holding my hand, not hugging me, not giving me the intimacy I needed.

I would not know if it’s trauma speaking, but it bothers me. You never used to ignore small acts of intimacy and snatch every possible moment. Drying my hair naked? Damn if I could keep your hands off me, but somehow it’s all different now. And trauma whispers to me that this was how my marriage failed. And it makes me recoil inside.

I shrink inevitably from your touch and I hate myself for that because it never used to be this way. I used to be contented, happy. And now I messed up big time.

[ryy-ry]

It’s not making any sense. I sit beside him all whilst only having you in my mind.

I beg you to stop invading my thoughts, my dreams, my every waking moment. But I can’t stop your face from surfacing into my mind relentlessly.

You say you love me. You say you miss me, it’s just we are both in bad situations, wrong situations. And you are right, this is wrong. It’s so wrong but I want it to be so right. I knew you were going to be a mistake, a sin, a weight on my soul that I possibly can never have. But I wanted you anyway.

I thought having a memory of you, a taste of how life with you would be like, would be sufficient. That I could possibly leave without regrets after having a taste of you. But I can’t fucking walk away. I can’t, and that’s where it’s on me. I played with fire and got burnt badly. But why does this pain feel so bittersweet.

I close my eyes and I dream of you beside me. I dream of you holding my face tenderly again.

I know you will come back, but it will only worsen this infatuation if you do not want me. The moment I look forward to your name popping up on my screen, or your voice over the phone, that’s when I knew I lost.

I know love isn’t selfish but I want you to myself. But if being with her makes you happier, I will clench my fists and let you go.

But it’s messed up either way, because I am falling out of love and falling in love at the same time. Lost.

How do I find peace?

How do I find peace when all I wish is for you to choose me, to take me away, to bring me home?

[hereiswhatremains]

"I think in the end all I really wanted was for you to see how much I could have loved you."

— excerpt from the collection dyingful by akhira

[silent-insanities]

I want to see myself beside you.