Days With Dot

A 30 something woman's journey through an unplanned, yet exciting pregnancy!

[dayswithdot]

Another Day Without Dot

We’d almost be half way there and that hard to swallow. I think about all of the things you could have been, then I’m forced to remember you aren’t. I know one day it will be easier to deal with and that kind of sucks to say. However, I know you were the best parts of me and mostly the best parts of your dad (lol) and while sad that you’re not here I rest well know that you were ❤️

[dayswithdot]

First Day of Recovery-

I had to make a decision about how to “manage” my miscarriage. This included expectant management, medical management, and surgery. I knew for me that I couldn’t see the tissue pass and know that would be the last time I saw her-in pieces. I wanted to remember her whole and thriving like my last positive ultrasound. As a result, I chose surgery.

Surgery Day

I’ve never had surgery for anything so it came with a bit of nerves. Every single person I met was kind, although I wish I never needed to know their kindness under these circumstances. Everything went fast (except for the wait in the waiting room) I was went to pre-op, went back, and woke up in recovery.

When I woke up, I was grateful to know that my womb had been cleared but my heart felt heavier than before. The reality that the future I had planned because of this baby wasn’t the one I’d be living in the coming months was hard. It’s also a struggle I kept to myself.

Before surgery my partner and I had a discussion about my feelings and although he said he understood I didn’t feel very understood. That’s something I’m still sorting through-I can attempt to verbalize what I’m feeling in my body or in my brain but I don’t know if the articulation could truly capture it. If it could give other people a sense of the emptiness, the confusion, the anger, the guilt, that comes with this this then I think I’d feel understood.

During the conversation with my partner he made the statement that even though this is my body he’s experiencing a loss as well. I knew what he meant but this exasperated a feeling-this being my body is a part of my sadness. It feels like my body is a failure. Why wasn’t my body good enough to hold you longer? My brain is overwhelmed with the idea that I’ve found a major flaw in a body that I worked so hard to love even when it was hard. However, I don’t how to forgive my body for this.

In this moment I want to be close to my partner. To feel him…to see if I can feel anything at all. I’m now bleeding and cramping from yesterday and this for sure snaps me back to the fact that there’s one thing I can for sure feel-pain.

I want to feel better. Maybe I should say I want to feel better now! I have the knowledge that with enough time and processing I will feel better but I want that peace now. I want that smile now. That’s who I am…or at least who I was before this.

[dayswithdot]

9:30 pm

Anger…Guilt…Irritability! These are the emotions I’m feeling at the moment. I can’t fight them, I can only succumb to them. My partner is attempting to comfort me with questions and jokes, but I don’t want to talk or laugh…I just want to be. I want to be understanding that he’s feeling this too. However, I don’t know how to share this grief with him when I don’t know what to do with it myself.

[dayswithdot]

Last Day With Dot- 4/12/23 *TRIGGER WARNING- Missed Miscarriage*

I thought I knew heartbreak, but I now know I never have felt true heartbreak until today. I laid back on the bed while I watched the clock tick. It was digital but I could almost hear it ticking in my ears over my internal dialogue. 1:19 tick 1:20 tick 1:21 tick 1:22 tick 1:23 tick 1:24 tick 1:25 and then the door creaked.

On Monday, I went to see my midwife after having some anxiety and just wanting to see that my sweet Dot was ok after not being able to hear a heartbeat on the Doppler during my previous visit the week before and she voiced some concerns. I was supposed to be 11 weeks, 4 days but based upon the measurements on her handheld machine the embryo was measuring 8 weeks, 1 day, the same as my previous ultrasound 3 weeks prior. So she sent me for a follow up at the hospital.

My ultrasound technician, Shelby, a student (I knew because of the bright blue ribbon that was attached to his badge) doesn’t even know that it was her eyes that gave it away today. See, I can’t imagine the bit of sadness that I know must accompany feeling like you have just identified something that is going to change a person forever. But now I do know what it feels like for your heart to shatter and disperse shards throughout your insides. For you to feel the weight of everything and nothing all at once because you know that what’s coming next will hurt more than you could have ever imagined.

When Shelby started at 1:00 she was joyous and had left the screen tilted just enough so I could see it. When she went to look for a heartbeat I saw the screen stay flat, I also watched her try again. Flat. I was so overwhelmed that I asked if we’d need to do a transvaginal and she said yes. I made a comment that I needed to use the bathroom because I’d had so much water and she said she’d finish this part quickly so I could go and she would reset the room. What her nor my partner knew at the time was that I not only needed to release those 32 ounces of water, I needed to release a few tears on my own first. A necessary moment of private emotion before I had to share my sadness with others that had previously shared my excitement.

After changing clothes for the transvaginal, I sat almost numb. My partner made a joke and I struggled to laugh or feel happy. I already knew what he was about to find out soon. Shelby came back, angled the screen towards her, and began taking more pictures. Shortly after, there was a knock and a male who was supervising Shelby entered the room. He asked Shelby to show him the pictures she’d taken so far and then he asked where’s the heartbeat. Shelby did not speak but did slyly alert him to come closer. After a brief look over Shelby’s shoulder he asked me if he could take some pictures himself and all I could muster was sure. I knew he was there to confirm that they’d need someone to deliver the news. When they finished taking pictures, one lowered the bed while Shelby gave me two towels and told me I get could dressed. They closed the curtain and left.

The time in which they were gone felt like an eternity but in reality it had only been 7 minutes. That’s the other thing that alerted me at the doctors office- they normally knock to wrap up in 2-3 minutes. When the door creaked open for the final time it was Shelby and Scott, a man who I’d never met before and I wish I hadn’t today. Scott was the person to say there’s no heartbeat. I could see the face of my partner, who was in a chair off to the side. I could tell that this news has broken him, but he locks eyes with me to see how I’ll react. I don’t. Not because unharmed by this stranger’s confirmation of our nightmare but because I knew the words no one said 20 minutes ago. I know my partner has experienced this before and I wonder if this opened an old wound or had just formed a new one.

Scott stood for a second and asked me if I had any questions. I found myself scoffing because if he had time I’d ask him the 1,000 questions that had formed in my mind. Before I could get out of my head to say no, Scott said well I’m sorry again the doctors will be in touch about follow up soon and he and Shelby exited and said we could stay there for as long as we need to.

I immediately got up and all I wanted to do was leave. Maybe if I could get some fresh air I could process what was said to me. That didn’t work but it did bring me back to reality. A reality that I didn’t want to be in.

In the few hours I’ve known I’ve sent a text messages to the people closest to me because I can’t utter the words. I’ve also taken a total of 3 phone calls about what the first phone call would call a Missed Miscarriage. The first was the midwife who received the results calling to discuss my options. The second was someone calling to schedule my option I chose out of, the D&C. The final one was the midwife I saw on Monday giving me sympathy and talking through next steps I could take if I wanted to. She also asked if I would be able to take a few days off from work. I replied yes to that and hung up. I won’t be taking any more calls today.

I don’t know how to support my partner. I don’t even know what tomorrow will look like but I’ll go at my own pace. I’m not ok today, and that’s ok, but one day, some day, I will be.

[dayswithdot]

Day 42-3/31/23

This level of moodiness is the only way I can seasons the past two weeks. Throwing up less but still throwing up…peeing every 5 minutes, and not being able to get comfortable when sleeping. I don’t feel like myself. I wondering if I will ever be that version of me again. Second trimester me please.

[dayswithdot]

Day 31-3/20/23

I’ve known about Dot for a month now and they are more than a dot on a screen.

Sometimes I’m in disbelief that I’m growing a human but I’m always grateful. It is difficult to feel nauseous and grateful at once but we’re doing it. We’re almost 9 weeks 😍

[dayswithdot]

3/4-3/5/23

Currently alternating between being anxious about the development of my baby over these next two weeks and then being extremely calm. I know there’s no use in stressing but I really want to see my sweet Dot’s little heartbeat very soon.

[dayswithdot]

Day 15 - 3/3/23

Got an ultrasound in which they didn’t let me view anything (frustrating)

Left the doctors office and received this medical write up

I left feeling frustrated but hopeful

[dayswithdot]

Days 13+14 - 3/1-3/2

Eating

Getting nauseous

Vomiting 1/4 of the times I had the feeling

Yawning and thinking about naps

Very tender boobs (3/1)

Crying because my food isn’t good or someone irritated me

Anxiety about my 3/3 ultrasound

[dayswithdot]

Days 11&12- 2/27+2/28

These past two days haven’t felt very eventful…same old sore boobs, hunger, peeing, nausea, and a slight back ache. I’ve been very emotional too. Like I watched a zombie series in which a young boy turned into a zombie and was killed-I cried. My child’s father didn’t respond to me the way I wanted-I almost cried. This is about to be a wild ride!

[dayswithdot]

Day 10 2/26/23

I must say that I count today as a win because I ate all of my food and I did not throw up! However, any time that my head touches a pillow or soft service I start getting sleepy and inevitably fall asleep. Today, I did finally admit to myself that I am scared shitless...Overall, I am afraid that I won't be good at motherhood (I am not used to not being good at things). I know this baby will change my life in both unthinkable ways and amazing ways. I want to get to the point where I am no longer doubting myself and I am only focused on how amazing this gift is. I am not there yet, but I will get there!

[dayswithdot]

Day 9- 2/25/23

Nausea was kicking my ass today. I took many naps. I’m tired….that’s it

[dayswithdot]

Day 8-2/24/23

This was me this morning after taking what feels like my 1,000th pregnancy test, but this time at my doctors office. The midwife confirmed the pregnancy for me and gave me a list of things to avoid-like sushi, deli meat, and queso. It was determined that I’m about 5.5-6 weeks along which means that this baby was a birthday gift! I walked out with 2 intake appointments and an ultrasound date.

After the doctor I went to my partner’s house for food and a nap. In that moment, I realized I’m grateful for a supportive partner. I think without one this would for sure be more difficult. No matter how supportive, I do think it’s hard for men to empathize with the swift changes that a body goes through in pregnancy. I’m sure it seems dramatic to them but it’s hard to articulate the roller coaster. My baseline temperature is 99.2 right now, I’m nauseous all the time + hoping that I don’t vomit, my boobs are sore, and I feel like crying at the drop of a dime—all signs of early pregnancy.

I never imagined feeling so connected to someone that isn’t even fully formed. It’s almost like having an imaginary friend. Tests tell me they are there, symptoms tell me they are there, but nobody can see them, feel them, or even have to be responsible for them. All in all I’m grateful for this journey-even when it feels like bullshit ❤️

[dayswithdot]

Day 7- 2/23/23

I broke down and took another pregnancy test today! Another strong positive and I have a confirmation appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow. I am hopeful that this will help to quell some of the anxiety that I have surrounding this being real. I am already a very anxious person so it has kicked into high gear.

Today, I have been telling myself "In this moment I am pregnant and I am grateful for each day that I get closer to meeting this gift"! I'll be back after my appointment in the morning.

[dayswithdot]

Day 6- 2/22/23

This was one of the best days. I had a snow day from work and after several days of negative thinking, I vowed that I would try to cherish each day that I have with Dot. I relinquished control that all I can do is take care of myself and let my body do it's thing. Today was the worst day for the nausea and vomiting. Additionally, after doing some of my own digging into possible conception and my VERY irregular cycle, I believe that I am about 5 weeks along.

[dayswithdot]

Day 5- 2/21/23

It was my first day back at work since finding out and I could not focus. As an elementary school principal I had my work cut out in not thinking about my little Dot! I made it through the day and only vomited once although I was nauseous the entire day. I needed the reassurance that this pregnancy was progressing and right now we are ok so I called my OBs office again and asked them if there was any way they could get me in earlier and they said they’d let me know about Friday 2/24! I am so excited for this appointment because hopefully I will learn more information.

[dayswithdot]

Day 4- 2/20/23

It was time for the clinic....I walked in as nervous as ever and was greeted by a positive face. I was told that I would have to get a pregnancy test (all I could think was "another one" lol) and if the date from my last monthly period was over 6 weeks then they would also do an ultrasound if I was interested-which I was.

I took the pregnancy test and in less than a minute there was another strong positive staring me in the face. The nurse told me that we would take a peek and my nerves were raised even greater. As a PCOS warrior I wasn't even convinced that I could get pregnant, but here I was.

The sonographer had me undress and put the cold jelly on my belly and to my surprise, she couldn't see anything. She told me that maybe it was too early and we could look transvaginally. She stuck the wand inside and found a tiny gestational sac.

I couldn't believe my eyes...this small black dot on my uterus would eventually grow into a baby? I got in my car and cried like a baby. I was in shock and still in disbelief. How can I believe I'm pregnant when I don't even see a little tadpole.

I left the clinic and went to my partner's house and cried more. I wanted to see something. I needed to see something. The sonographer could not even tell how far along I was so I would simply have to wait for my doctor to fit me in.

*Because of the small dot on the ultrasound, I have affectionately started to call the baby 'Dot'--hence the title, Days With Dot!