#missinglinc

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Thirst for Answers

[missinglinc]

sunrise to another opportunity

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Remembering (Four Acts of Being Human)

i. It was Monday, and like always, I already felt the exhaustion of the rest of the week tingling in my bones. I finally got myself out of bed, and it’s as though I spent most of my energy just by doing that act. My mother was in the living room—I heard the faint music of her favorite song and the sounds of her shuffling inside. I entered the room, and I saw my mother preparing my bag. Suddenly, I realized that I forgot to do it myself last night. I stared at her in guilt, and she noticed me standing and watching her. “Are you hungry?” she asked, thinking I was waiting for her so that we could eat together. I think about mothers and how effortlessly they think about the well-being of others, especially their children. I looked over at the couch and saw my uniform, already ironed and ready to be worn. 

She knows that I am already old enough to do these things, and I should be responsible for them.

 “I’ll make your coffee,” I replied, but I meant to say: thank you for the ways you selflessly love me.

ii. I stayed up all night. I had just finished a paper for a subject I couldn’t care less about. The caffeine from the coffee I drank to keep myself awake was still kicking, no matter how much I wanted to close my eyes and rest. The world gets quiet at 3 in the morning. Too quiet. My loneliness was the only thing I could listen to. I looked outside my window, desperately trying to distract my mind. My eyes shifted towards a soft light, in one of the buildings across the street from my home. It was a small bakery, undoubtedly preparing its loaves of bread and goods for when the sun rose and everyone else started to wake up and go on with their day. I sat and stared at the bakery’s window and watched the bakers fill the silver trays with freshly baked bread in front of their store. All of it felt like company, and I entertained myself with the thought of the people buying their bread later in the day, and enjoying each bite that would fill their stomachs. The loneliness slowly washed away, and I drifted to sleep, reminding myself that if I felt lonely again in the dead of night, there were bakers awake preparing bread for us to eat in the morning.

iii. The bus shook mildly, leaning slightly left and right from the uneven road. This used to make me dizzy: the inertia from the speed of the commuter bus would make my head spin. It’s more tolerable now, and the ride to my stop doesn't feel as tiresome anymore. 

The bus made a stop at a loading area near an overpass. A woman entered; she was carrying her child, who looked no older than four. She held on to the head of one of the aisle seats, trying to steady herself as the bus closed its doors and started to move again. I saw her look around, trying to find a place to sit. Without thinking, I stood up and offered my seat to her. The woman tried to refuse, but I could tell it was in politeness: her tired body shook so subtly you could miss it. I insisted, and she resigned and sat quickly as the bus jerked a little. I leaned my back against the aisle seats, facing towards the woman and her child.

The child looked up at me, their wide and curious eyes stared at mine. A smile made its way to her face the longer our eyes connected. I try to smile back, fighting the awkwardness I felt. The child giggled and reached for my hand. My worries melted away because of the sound—I laughed softly and made faces to humor her while I let her tug my fingers. “She’s usually shy,” the mother said with an amused laugh. My eyebrows raised in response, I looked back again to the child and whispered affectionately, “Me, too.”

iv. You may think it’s silly, the things I write here. The way I list everything that gives me the slightest feeling of joy; traces of connection to others regardless if they know me or not. I don’t feel human most of the time—I feel like some sort of alien, gathering information on humans and noting down what it all means. I look and observe the people around me, and they make it look so effortless. Their kind and gentle acts, the simple ways they make space for each other. I take it all in—learning and adapting from each intrepid detail I can find. I stress about it: am I doing it well enough? Did they finally notice it’s not all natural?

You see, to me, this is serious business: it helps me remember. I get so lost in my despair, that I feel less human. Grief swallows my humanity piece by piece. I worry there is nothing left. Every word and experience I write, I am carving it into my heart and chanting it as a prayer: Life is good. There is still goodness around me, waiting to be seen and explored. Joy comes and goes, but it comes. Forgive me, I keep forgetting.

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Overdrive

Ayoko nang mag-drive. Pagod na pagod na ako. Pero hindi ako pwedeng huminto. Hindi ko maalis sa isipan ko ang itsura n’ya, Kung paano ko lang s’ya iniwan ng ganoon. Hindi malinaw ang dinadaanan, Walang tiyak na patutunguhan. Nauubusan na ako ng oras. Malapit na sila at wala na akong mataguan.

Magdadrive ako hanggang Baguio Baguio—Teacher’s Village: Halos buong araw kong inikot ang haunted house na yun. Inabot na ako ng hapunan pero okay lang. Dahil mas onti ang naglilibot na tao pag gabi, Mas walang nakakakilala sa ’kin. Pero pag naglilibot ako ng paikot-ikot, Naaalala ko ang tinago ko dito. Kailangan ko pang lumayo. Magdadrive ako hanggang Batangas Batangas— Nasugbu Beach: Nahugasan ko ang sarili ko mula sa ebidensya, Nang walang naiiwang bakas. Sa dami ng tao rito, maduduling ka sa paghahanap. Kaya maganda itong lugar para sa tagu-taguan. Kahit hindi pa maliwanag ang buwan. Magdadrive ako hanggang Bicol Bicol— Mt. Mayon: Hindi pala maganda ang view ng mount Mayon mula sa ibaba. Restricted area nga naman kasi rito. Pero sino ba ako para magreklamo? Walang pwedeng pumunta sa parte na ito, masyadong delikado. Kaya kailangan ko nang umalis dito, mas malayo pa. Magdadrive ako hanggang Visayas Kung kaya ko lang itawid itong kotse sa dagat, Na di ko kakailanganin sumakay sa isang roro, Nakarating na ako ng Visayas. Gustong-gusto ko nang tumigil, Pero nauubusan na ako nang mapupuntahan. Magdadrive ako hanggang Minda— Naramdaman kong unti-unting bumabagal ang kotse Nanlaki ang mata ko nang tuluyang tumigil ang sasakyan. Tanaw ko na ang pula’t asul na ilaw, malapit na sila. Palakas nang palakas ang tunog. Dali dali akong lumabas ng sasakyan para tumakbo, Hindi ko namalayan na nasa gitna na pala ako ng kalsada, Paglingon ko sa kaliwa hindi flashlight ang nakatutok sa akin, Kundi headlights ng isang malaking tru— SCREEEEEEEEECH— Halos tumilapon lahat nang nasa loob ng kotse sa lakas ng preno. Napatitig ako sa windshield at nakita ang taong nagmamadaling tumawid. Tuyo na ang mga pulang mantsa sa damit at katawan ko. Agad akong napalingon sa likod ng sasakyan. “Hindi. Hindi ko sinasadya.” Bulong ko habang inaayos sa upuan ang nakahimlay na katawan. Kailangan ko nang umalis. Malapit na sila.

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Da Capo Al Fine

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Minamahal kong Duwahagi

(Content warning: Sensitibong nilalaman)

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Eskinita

Madilim na daanan, madalas ay putikan Madilim na lagusan, hindi matanaw ang pupuntahan. Lumingon man sa nakaraan, dilim ang kahahantungan Musmos na katulad ko, hindi mapigilang balikan. Pagkaabot, kasabay na ang bayad, “Sa susunod ulit,” kanilang saad. Nasanay sa gano’ng paraan ng kalakalan. Sino ba ang taya? At parati akong nakikipaghabulan.

Takbo! Sinisigaw ng aking isipan, Mali ba ang ganitong paraan? Sa bawat matagumpay na transaksyon na aking nakakamit, Hindi inaasahang may nakatagong kapalit. Unang putok, nanlaki ang mga mata Pangalawang putok, dugo ang nakita Tatlong hakbang na lang, nakauwi na sana Dala ang apat na raan, pangkain ng pamilya.

[upismediacenter]

LITERARY: Isang Gabi sa Araneta

Kasinggulo ng siyudad Ang sa aking isip ay bumabagabag Napilitan akong lumabas Nagbabakasakaling mapalipas ang oras. Matingkad na mga ilaw Sa mata ko’y sumisilaw Nagpatuloy sa paglalakad Bahala na kung saan mapadpad. Hanggang sa biglang may nakita Tila nakangiting dalagita Ngunit nang kasama’y mapalingon Nakaramdam ako ng kakaibang hamon.

Di napigilang sa dalaga’y mapatitig Tila mga bulong ay narinig Humihingi yata sa akin ng tulong? Sa panganib, hindi ako uurong! Pinaghiwalay ang magkasama Sinugod at binugbog ang binata Nagkumahog itong tumakas Nagtagumpay ako sa pagligtas. Laking gulat ko na pati dalaga’y tumakbo Saan kaya patungo ang dalagitang ito? Naghintay na siya’y dumating at magpasalamat, Iba ang aking nadama at ito’y kagulat-gulat. Maya-maya pa, dalaga’y bumalik Handa na ako sa pasasalamat na halik Ngunit palad niya ang sa aki’y sumampal Kasunod ng posas, sa kamay ko’y sumakmal. Kita ko ang dalagitang aking tinulungan Hinayaan ako na mapunta sa bilangguan Wala naman daw masamang nangyari sa dalagita Anila, ito’y isang karaniwang eksena. Sa pagkapa nila sa ang aking bulsa Maliit na pakete ng kemikal ang nakita Napagtanto ng mga pulis ang hawak; Ako raw pala ang may sabit sa utak.