#mixed states

[crazymeds]

[bipolarbearblog-blog]

My heart is beating harder this morning because I’m overtired because I slept so badly last night because my heart rate didn’t go down like it usually does at nighttime and I was worrisome and overheating and sweating. I am getting on with my day, having a little cry on the bus.

[morestretchingrequired]

Living In A Mixed State

Living In A Mixed State

So, for those of you who don’t know, I have bipolar disorder. The chemical makeup of my brain is such that receptors for both higher emotional states (described as “mania” or “hypomania”) and lower ones (your classic “depression”) are susceptible to inexplicable, unconscious, and sometimes sudden change. In the past, people have described the disorder as “manic depression” and talk of “mood…

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[depressed-noduh-blog]

My anger is displaced. I am actually angry about my application to my graduate program. People text me, and I told them I was busy working on it, and then they text again the next day. wanting me to drop what I am doing and spend time with them. (I am sick of people who choose to only do things with other people. Go out by yourself. Dont rely on me to be your only reason to leave the house. ) I am sick of serving other people. Because all I end up with is less time and more things to do.  No one asked how my application was going. No one asked to read my essays. No one asked if they could help. (watch my kid while I worked on it) No one asked if I turned them in on time. No one asked how I felt I did with them (which is horrible because I wrote the essays when I wasnt feeling good and then after I submitted them, wished I hadnt. Many errors, and they were poorly written)  I have chest pains because of fear of failure. What if I dont get in because I am just not good enough. It hurts. It was important to me, and only me. I couldnt rely on anyone for anything. I feel .. I want to say, horrible, let down, but I dont. Luckily I have medication that doesnt let me sink too low. So I actually feel alright. If i didnt have medication I would probably light my house on fire right now from anger.  A conversation fustrates me socially. I have a new man friend and my needy friend wanted to know if my man friend liked sports so her man and my man could hang out. I asked him if he liked sports via text and go no response, I concluded he did not like sports. Which is great! Another things we have in common. I dont know, maybe you could be like "what if your man into" not ... rather then I seeking to learn more information, just have him conform to what I know is already ok, dont make me grow. make him bend to meet my needs. I dont want him to meet anyone I know. Because I hate everyone I know. And I hate them all because they have plateaued. They read no books, have no hobbies, no career changes. Nothing but social stimulation as the only interst. I feel so held back when I am witht hem because they cant identify with my over acheieveing awesomeness. I like to axcell because it makes me feel good. I like plants, I like my pets, I like cooking, I like going out. I like doing so many things. They cant relate. 

[marys-motto]

Does asking professor for an extension, make one weak?  I'm a failure, I know already.  I just can't do it.  I'm falling hard.