Life Update
Stuck in this terradome All I see is terrible Making us hysterical There's got to be more, got to be more Sick of this head of mine Intrusive thoughts, they paralyze Nirvana's not as advertised There's got to be more, been here before
I think for new life updates I might add a song and highlight some lyrics to the post but I'll see how I feel next update
WHAT IS LIFE??? It's been 2 months since I've dealt w some bullshit with my breakup. A couple days after my last life update, my gyno called me and told me that I was diagnosed with HSV 1 AND 2!?!?!? With all the shit that I'm still processing with trying to get my life together, I still can't believe it. I was looking at my phone in shock and my mind was like NO MF WAYYYYY BROOOOO LIKEEEEE WHAT THE ENTIRE F U C K!!!
I was already accepting that we were never getting back into a relationship. My feelings about him had been checked out, and then I got the diagnosis from the gyno. The gyno proceeded to tell me that it was in my blood and that I hadn't had it before when my ex and I first got tested together. I asked questions within the lines of like when I got it and she said it's undetermined but I was definitely from within then and now. I had already felt the denial but then I felt the delusion coming in. I didn't want to feed into the fact that he may have been unfaithful but I also just couldn't believe the diagnosis. I was hysterical and had to literally calm down because I called my sister first when I had the diagnosis. My sister was also in shock, but I had to figure out how I even got it in the first place.
After we broke up I had sex with 3 previous sexual partners, before my ex. I had to message all of them to make sure they got checked. I didn't think I would be the one to get it, but all of them had been clean before they got with me, so it left my ex as the carrier. I had concealed the information of my diagnosis from my ex for a whole month. I had other unresolved feelings about how everything went down between us so I had to figure out how to tell my ex.
It was so stressful and nerve-racking because I wanted to tell him right away but I didn't want to risk anything as well. I had to remind myself that I was not dealing with a rational person. He had bothered me about some items that I had taken out when I was moving into my parents' house and moving a lot of my things to my mom's office and using it as a storage room essentially. I had created a letter and it consisted of my emotions from everything that had happened and the diagnosis. It took me a while to make sure all of it made sense. I had made a draft of the literally a week before my diagnosis. With the new information I had to figure out what approach was more appropriate. I wanted to do it in person but other options were to talk to him over the phone or I would text him. I went with telling him in person with our therapist as the 3rd party.
Last week I told him exactly 2 months of the breakup and 1 month of the diagnosis. I had requested for him to come to the session for one last time as a joint session. I had read my letter to him doing the emotional part first. The emotional part of the letter was how I felt about our relationship and downfall of it all. I had described how I felt when he acted and behaved like he really didn't care about me and our relationship. I was literally crying and struggling to say what I had wrote and when I finished the emotional part he "apologized" like verbatim he said "I'm sorry you're going through that" I felt how fake that apology was but I didn't bother to acknowledge it because I had let my standards and expectations low about how he would react. It was like I was looking into an empty shell of a person which is probably the most fucked up thing about it because I really did love him.
The second part of the letter was short and was about the diagnosis. As soon as I told him about the diagnosis he acted totally different. He was looking up what HSV was and then he assumed that I was questioning his faithfulness to me and I told him this was just to only tell him about the diagnosis and for him to get checked. He then asked if I had told my parents and he was super upset about me telling them and he thought I was unfair for talking to my parents about the diagnosis. I was so confused because I didn't think that my parents' view of him would matter to him that much. He was very persistent in wanting to talk to my parents to get his voice and side of the story to them rather than being more concerned about the diagnosis and all of the ways he had treated me like shit. He then asked if I had gotten tested before and he thought I had withheld the diagnosis from him when we were together and I said no. Later he had tried to call me after the session I didn't answer and then he texted me about talking to my parents. I didn't reply or answer any calls.
Within that week I was still getting phone calls and texts about him wanting to talk to my parents. He still added me onto the insurance plan luckily. I then replied to a text about talking to my parents and I told him if he feels so entitled to talk to them that he would talk to them directly not to me. He didn't answer me after that.
I'm still processing a lot but I'm doing my best to keep moving forward from it. I'm very blessed and grateful for my support system which consists of my family and closest friends. I had moved in with my parents until the time being. I had to give the car back along with a few other things that I took out of our house. I know that therapy and reiki are helping me out a lot to process but I still have a lot more healing to go. There is still so much out in the world that I need to experience. Unfortunately due to this new diagnosis I definitely need to be a lot more careful now more than ever.